Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-12-21
Uploaded: 2021-07-13T04:59:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-12-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-12-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-13. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-12-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday.
Monday, July 12th, 2021. What is going on? How are you? How was your weekend,
other than England?
How was your weekend, everybody? Did you have a good time and say Italy? Whoa,
Italy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I watched that fucking game. Jesus fucking Christ, I think I finally get it. I
think I finally fucking get it.
You watch soccer, right? What happened was, right? Every time I talk about
soccer, whatever, they always have to bring up like American football.
They're two completely different fucking games, and then they always, I don't
know.
It's like, well, I don't understand why those cunts are just always shitting on
American football.
You don't have to watch it.
You shit on American football, so then I shit on soccer, and then you act like
I fucking started it.
I don't know. Maybe I did.
But anyways, I was live tweeting the game, and they just take the bait every
fucking time.
Like, they think I really don't like the sport. I don't give a shit, right?
That's not like I don't give a shit. I fucking enjoy it.
I see it. I get it. People are going crazy. I know the whole world fucking
loves it, so yeah, there's got to be something to it.
I just don't have the time to watch it. Other than that, you know, I think what
the fuck I'm saying at this point.
I watched the fucking game, and I have to tell you something, man.
That is the worst I have felt after a sporting event since I saw Kenny Perry,
who I love, go from winning the Masters to then losing the Masters in whatever
you call it, overtime in golf, whatever that's called.
A playoff, you know, not to fucking dig up an old wound, but this fucking guy
was crushing it.
I watched, I sat down one year, and the year I decided to watch the whole
Masters, Thursday, Friday, say, and Sunday.
I'm watching this guy. He never won one. He's up there in age. You see, this is
his year. You know, he's built like a dad. He's got a family.
The guy's on like the 14th, 15th fucking hole. He's got it in the bag. They're
cutting to his family, sitting on the 18th hole.
They're all excited. Holy shit, dad's going to do it. He's going to do it, ma.
He's really going to do it.
And all of a sudden, the wheels fall off, and they start cutting back to the
family, and the smiles are now going to, like, concern.
And then it just went totally off the rails. By the time he got to the 18, and
it was tied, I think nobody was looking at anybody.
And then he walked off to go to the fucking playoff, playoff, and they never
showed his family again.
And then he lost. He blew it in front of his whole family. It's basically what
happened.
And then lost to a guy named Bubba, who took the money and went out and bought
a 69 Dodge Challenger, I believe,
that was made up to look like the Dukes of Hazzard car.
So, I mean, it was just, I remember him telling the story, said he walked into
the clubhouse, signed off on his score,
didn't talk to his family, got in his car, and just started driving.
I can't imagine what was going through his family's head.
Like, he wouldn't hurt himself, would he?
I mean, to just, like, people shouldn't go through that.
So, I'm watching this, this soccer, right?
I sit down to watch it.
It's the championship.
So, you know, fair weather fan, I can sit down, I can watch this for all the
fucking marbles.
And I sit down, and I'm like, oh, shit, it's England versus Italy.
I got some English blood in me, Irish, Scottish, I got that whole fucking thing
going on there.
I got a little French, mostly German.
Okay?
I got a buddy of mine named Paul Verzi.
Paul Verzi.
Whoa.
Paul Verzi.
Sicilian.
Sicilian.
So, I'm like, all right, man, let's get into this shit.
You want to do 20 bucks on the game?
I'll take the pasty guys.
You take the olive skin guys?
And he's like, make it 50.
Because he's Verzi.
He's like, all right, I'll make it fucking 50.
So, we sit down to watch the game.
I'm texting him.
He's not texting me back.
I didn't think, you know, I didn't think he was even watching or I didn't know
what the fuck he was doing.
Golfing or something.
So, I started jumping on the Twitter there.
And I suddenly realized how big this fucking thing was.
I made some stupid joke when I saw the blonde guy there.
The older brother.
The favorite son.
The guy who's going to be king someday.
If he can put poison in the right chalice in that fucking castle, right?
He's there with his wife and his kid who already looks like he has the weight
of the world on his shoulders.
There's something about that suit.
Like, this kid's already seen things.
It's crazy.
You know, somebody there must have left their laptop open or something.
He walked into the wrong room in the castle.
But anyway, all I could think of was Harry.
I was relating to Harry, right?
Outkast, Ginger, you know.
Fucking moved away from his sports place.
And all of a sudden, they're going to win a championship.
That's what happened to me.
I left Boston and, well, it didn't happen right away.
I left Boston and then I went through the whole fucking Yankee dynasty, 99.
I was choking Aaron Boone.
I went through a whole bunch of shit.
But the Pats, Pats came alive like six years after I left.
And I was just thinking, like, he must have been sitting there like, ah, fuck.
I could have been at the game or the match, whatever the fuck they call it.
So I made a joke about that.
And then my whole Twitter feed just, like, lights up all these fucking lunatic,
fanatic fucking fans.
If you don't fucking believe how crazy these fans are.
Dude, they showed a clip of some fans, Italian supporters coming into Wembley
Stadium.
And these fucking old bald English cunts like my age.
They looked at, they were in their 40s and 50s.
We're just beating the shit out of them.
Two on one, four on one.
And there was just this, I couldn't tell what was going on.
There was this rush of people dressed with Italian colors on.
It looked like, you know, when the wildebeest tried to cross the river at the
wrong time.
During the Serengeti dry season.
And the alligators are just picking them off.
It was just fucking sucker punch after fucking sucker punch.
Deplorable.
Deplorable human behavior.
Which I got to admit, I, selfishly, I loved.
Humanitarily, you know, human being to human being.
I hated seeing it.
But selfishly, I loved it.
Because those English cunts always try to act like they're a little cut above.
You know what I mean?
Try to act like there's not a sea of dumb cunts in jolly old England, just like
there is over here.
You know?
We're just a little more obvious because one company turned our food supply
into poison and now we're all bloated up.
Like a bunch of fucking, I don't know what, weather balloons over here.
So, like you look twice as dumb if you're dumb and fat.
You know what I mean?
If you're just dumb, you know what I mean?
You can kind of get like the South to go, oh, bless his heart.
You know, they'll give you a little bit of, that really means go fuck yourself,
you know, that guy's an idiot or whatever.
However that Southern thing works.
But like, you know, if you're dumb and fat in the South, you don't get, you don't
get bless his heart.
I'll tell you right now, he looks like he ate the baby Jesus and the manger.
Fuck that dumb, fat fuck.
I'll run over with my truck.
I'll keep going.
Chop him up, put him in my bass boat, use him for bait.
Watch me.
He says one more fucking thing to me when I'm walking down that goddamn gun
shop.
Anyway.
So, I sit down to watch this fucking match.
So, I got, I got 50 bucks riding on England.
I immediately regret it.
Because, you know, Irish people giving me shit.
I thought, you know, I thought you were fucking Irish or whatever.
And I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm mostly German.
I'm fucking American.
I thought that fucking English flag.
I'm like, what, why, what the fuck?
Did, did Sweden lose and they're just hanging around?
Are they playing the fucking, the, the runner-up game after this game?
I didn't even know.
I didn't even know what the fucking English flag.
I thought it was that, that, that one that Def Leppard had that they made into
little boy shorts.
Right?
Who was that?
Rick Allen, the drummer.
He came over wearing those fucking things.
Right?
We all thought it was cool.
We thought it meant rock or whatever, rock and roll or whatever.
But I just thought, I thought that was England's flag.
And I guess also, I didn't really notice this.
When they go to the fucking Olympics, when they go to the Olympics, they, they
bring the Great Britain flag.
Which is, I guess, Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and them, Isle of Man.
I don't know what the fuck it is over there.
Who gives a shit?
Right?
Whatever.
Everybody, who, you, you, do you guys know where fucking Nebraska is?
Um, did you just compare our country to Nebraska?
Yes, I'm on the other side of it.
As far as I don't know where the fuck it is.
Um, or how it, how it's all aligned.
So anyway.
They, they, they're under the different flag.
But whatever.
I can see, I see the pasty cunts.
I'm like, all right, that's England.
Now I got my money on that horse.
And then, uh, you know, Verzi's got it on the, uh, on the Italian team.
All right.
Which really killed me.
To root against Italy.
Because the Mediterranean people, they all, they basically, by going over there,
I really figured it out.
As far as like, you know, there's something about the Mediterranean Sea.
People chill.
Like, they, they know how to live.
They get it.
You know, food is an event.
You take a nap in the afternoon.
You know.
It's about those moments.
It's not about fucking, you know, you get up north, it starts getting colder.
All of a sudden, people, they got to feel superior and fucking trying to take
people over.
Well, this is bullshit because France and Italy also had empires.
So did Greek.
I don't know.
It's just this, at this moment in history.
I'll tell you what.
Every country's had their crazy people.
But as far as just regular people walking around chilling, they chill out
pretty good.
You can have a good time.
Then again, isn't Italy overrun by the mafia?
All right.
This whole theory is fucking unwinding.
Whatever.
Whatever.
I have a good time when I'm down by the Mediterranean, okay?
I'm fucking sorry.
Anyway.
So.
Plus, you know, I've got a lot of Italian friends over here.
Italians, they know how to cook.
They know how to hug.
You know.
They're warm people before they put two behind your beer.
Right?
It's supposed to Irish.
It's just, you know, throw it in the fucking pot.
You know, the Germans, they, you know.
Are you part of the solution?
Are you part of the problem?
You know, they're very fucking cold goddamn people.
So.
I'm rooting for England.
I got my money on England.
Right?
The game starts.
England goes down the ice.
Right?
They cross the blue line.
The fucking guy is along the boards.
He kicks it across.
A little one-timer.
Right?
Fucking right there, Fred.
It's basically what soccer is.
Right?
It's fucking, you know.
It's hockey on grass.
Just way more players and a giant goal.
So they score.
And I'm like, holy fucking shit.
It's one to nothing.
Already.
They got 90 more minutes to score one more goal
and this whole fucking thing is over.
And then what happened
was like an hour of nothing.
There was a lot of sing-alongs.
There was some complaining.
There was some rolling around on the ground.
People putting their scarves over their heads.
And I'm like, how is the whole world, what the fuck am I missing?
And then because I had money on the game and because I gave a shit, all of a
sudden I was feeling this nervousness.
Or I was going, you know, nobody's scored in a while.
And if I know one thing about watching sports, if you let them hang around, you
let them hang around, you know, you got to put them to bed.
You got to put them to bed early.
You knock them out.
You stick them in the bunk.
You tuck them in and you shut out the fucking light.
And if you don't, if 