Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-19-21
Uploaded: 2021-07-19T19:44:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-19-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-19-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-19. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-19-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, July 19th, 2021.
What's going on? How are ya?
How the hell's it going with you? You're doing good? I hope so.
I'm rooting for you.
I'm not one of these people, you know, you start getting something good going
on, and then I get all upset.
You know why that is? Is it because I'm a good person? Is it because I have a
good heart? No!
It's because I'm having a good week. That's how it works if you're a human
being.
If you got shit, you can be happy when other people have shit.
If you don't got shit, that's when you start going, look at this fucking guy,
he didn't work for shit.
His fucking parents bought him that fucking car. Dude, if I was in his family,
dude,
I'd be fucking me, but that's how it is.
That's how it is as a human being.
You know?
You know, I saw a Mercedes Benz, and the front license plate said something
like,
don't be hatin'.
You know?
And it's just like, you know, you're really fucked up.
You have a Mercedes.
You don't need to stoop to that level.
All right?
Now we know that you bought the car for the simple reason of fucking driving
around,
showing it off.
So all that fucking license plate says to me is you're actually not really
happy.
You know?
Because you went out and you bought something.
You know?
Sure, it makes you happy as you're buying it.
You start tingling.
You know?
You start driving by all the bad bitches, as the kids say.
Right?
And all of a sudden, they're fucking turning around.
Huh?
Why do they like you?
They like you because they got that car.
Because you got the car.
That's why.
And just like you, they don't like you either for you.
I'm such a cunt.
Why am I such a cunt?
I just thought, you know, you got a Mercedes Benz.
It's German engineering.
I mean, it's a fucking sports car with four doors.
You don't need to be fucking rubbing people's face in it.
You really don't.
But, you know, people do it.
Anyway, I don't understand.
Why can't people be perfect like me?
That's the theme of this podcast.
Why do I have everything all figured out?
Oh, because I don't like to be challenged.
So, I surround myself with weak people.
Kidding.
All right.
Please announce new show added.
All right.
September 10th.
10.
Fran Tarkenton.
Oh, Jesus.
There's another number 10 that just, oh, God.
He fucking had the fucking Patriots number.
Huh?
Eli Manning.
Number 10.
Number 10.
Two more Super Bowls than Fran Tarkenton.
Who would have had one.
You know?
If the fucking Vikings were eating their Wheaties the way the Steelers were.
Wink, wink.
September 10th at the Bryce Jordan Center University Park, Pennsylvania.
I'm going to hang around and go to that fucking Penn State game afterward.
Very excited for that.
Or maybe it's the Thursday before because I think I'm in Atlantic City the day
after.
I don't know how it works.
Or maybe it's that weekend.
I don't fucking know.
All right.
Pre-sale is Thursday, July 22nd at 10 a.m. Eastern to Thursday, July 22nd at 10
p.m. Eastern.
So it's basically 12 hours.
The code is Monday.
All capitals.
M-O-N-D-A.
A few pilots out there.
Mike, Oscar, November, Delta, Alpha, Yankee.
On sale Friday to everybody.
The general public.
7.23 at 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time.
Once again, Thursday, 7.22, 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time is the pre-sale to
that night at 10 p.m.
East Coast time.
All right.
So all you fucking cokeheads should still be up out here west.
Be able to get the front row tickets.
I can watch you fucking sweating.
Grinding your goddamn teeth.
Speaking of fucking cokeheads.
Oh, my God.
Is there anything better being stone sober and having some fucking guy just
fucking gack?
Gacked out of his fucking mind coming up to you?
Sweaty.
Fucking drug sweat.
I'll be honest with you.
I'm an old man.
Okay.
Bill, we knew this.
All right.
But I just got to say this.
I don't know what he was on.
Okay.
There's like a real cool thing right now where I think after all these years of
drug abuse,
that the young people, one of the few advantages young people have right now,
which youth is
not an advantage right now, the way this fucking climate is going.
These poor kids, they're down to two seasons.
All right.
They get some.
They get fucking summer and winter.
That's it.
All right.
At least the one thing the previous generations, all of us selfish cunts,
myself included.
At least what we left for you was research on what are the good drugs and what
are the
bad drugs.
You know, because everybody's having all these fucking breakthroughs with their
mushrooms
and shit.
I kind of did the same thing.
So, you know.
And then, you know, then there's the evil shit.
Coke, the heroin, synthetic heroin, all of that fucking shit.
We know this stuff, Bill.
Anyway, this guy comes up.
He's in the darkroom.
Whatever the fuck he took, this guy was in the darkroom.
So, I went up.
I did a set at Supernova.
I had a great time just fucking with people.
I'm really trying to get my act where I want it to be.
Because, as always, I got shit to say about the ladies.
But I want to do it in a way that they're going to be receptive.
Okay?
I don't want them to be like, eh, eh, eh.
Because what's the point of that?
They're not going to listen.
I want to do it more like a fucking halftime speech.
Of how they can get their shit together.
All right?
And how arrogant is that?
For a man to tell women how to get their shit together.
What kind of a man would do that?
How arrogant would I be to do that?
I mean, what am I, a woman?
Only women do that.
My wife is always telling me how I can be a better person.
And she does not give me a halftime speech.
She talks to me like the game's already over and we lost by 40.
The fuck was that out there?
I will not be embarrassed like that one more fucking time.
So I'll tell you right now.
If what I saw out there today during that brunch is what the fuck the rest of
the seats are going to look out,
that's the door right over there.
And you've got to ask yourself, do I want to be here?
Those are the speeches I get.
Not saying I don't deserve it.
Not saying I don't deserve it, right?
Yeah, because I do.
Plus, I respond to that.
I respond to negativity.
Don't come at me with your feelings and tell me that you care.
I'm not even going to listen to you.
I just feel gross and I'm folding myself up into myself or I want to walk out
of the room.
Do not come with me.
Come at me with love, okay?
Even though that's probably what the little orange me from way back in the 70s
always wanted.
It's too late.
Okay?
The feelings are paved over.
All right?
Someday.
Someday when they fucking, you know, they've run out of fucking land to build
on.
Okay?
And they put it to a vote.
Can we dig up all these dead people and just drop them in the ocean?
They won't let the general public fucking, they'll attach it to a bill.
Something like, you know, should ice cream for children be illegal?
Right?
And then if you vote, no, you also get to dig up the dead people.
That's how they do it.
That's how they do it.
Right?
So then the politician can get out of it and be like, well, what was I supposed
to say?
You kid couldn't have Rocky Road?
So when they dig me up, I don't even know where I'm going with this.
Like a fucking archaeological find.
They'll be, oh, look at this fucking guy.
He still looks pissed and he's dead.
He's supposed to be at peace.
Oh!
He died with childhood.
He was paved over.
Scientists are discovering that some of the bodies they throw into the ocean
have a look.
They've decided to keep the bodies above ground and examine them.
They throw all the happy people in the ocean.
Actually, speaking of the ocean, I'm going to get to this drugged up dude in a
minute.
Speaking of the ocean, I heard someone who's terrified.
I'm still terrified.
Even if there was no sharks in the ocean.
All right?
Who have every right to be there.
Okay?
Hey, you know, I'm not racist against sharks.
I'm just proud to be a land dweller.
That's all this rally is about.
Shark.
What the fuck do they call it?
They got this thing now that when you go into the ocean, you wear it on your
ankle if you want to look sexy.
Or you can have it around your wrist if you're happy in your relationship, but
you're not single.
And it emits like this fucking tone that they don't like.
Let me, I'm just wrote shark, shark tone, safe, swimming.
I think if you wear this thing.
Swimming with bull shark.
No, that's stupid.
No.
Did you see that fucking kid from Jackass?
Covered himself in chum and jumped into the water with a bunch of fucking
sharks and almost got his goddamn hand bit off.
Somebody was saying that they have this fucking shark repellents effective at
protecting swimmers.
It'll be hilarious if this finally gets me to the beach and then I die a sunstroke.
That was like somebody I heard in a helicopter.
You had a fully articulated main rotor system, right?
Which means you can slam the stick forward and you won't have mass bumping.
Like on a two-bladed system, if you were to do that, you could do, it's called
a low G pushover.
You could, you know, and then your counterintuitive move to recover is aft cyclic,
not to the left or to the right.
And you'll chop your tail off, mass bump, your main rotor pops off.
So this guy was trying to show that he could do that in his helicopter and he
slammed it forward.
And he ended up, he was in such an, his attitude was so severe.
He starved the engine of fuel.
The engine, fucking engine quit.
And he had to go into an auto and he fucked up his helicopter.
I'm laughing because he lived.
That would be, I'm going to do the beach version of that.
I got my little bracelet.
I can go swimming.
And, you know, I don't put any shit on my head.
I fucking go home looking like Hellboy if he stopped working out.
Alright, the sight of a shark circling beneath a swimmer's feet as they enjoy a
dip in the ocean is enough to send any unsuspecting beachgoer into a state of
panic.
I don't think that's a state of panic.
Yeah, a state of fucking obvious emotion.
Panic is when you're just like, I don't, I just don't know what's going to
happen next month.
Will you fucking relax?
It's going to be fine.
You fucking say this every month.
You're still here.
It's to the point, everybody that loves you wants you to die.
Okay?
Well, I'm sorry somebody had to say it.
But, you know, if you see a shark swimming underneath an unsuspecting beachgoer,
if it's a suspecting beachgoer, like one of those jackass guys, those lunatics,
which I'm absolutely going to watch that fucking movie.
Like, talk about the greatest hype ever for a fucking movie.
He did a stunt.
You're going to actually get to watch somebody attacked by a fucking shark.
You know, we asked, everybody went to go see Jaws to like Jaws 9 and they all
sucked.
And that was just, you know, fucking fake people getting eaten, real people
getting eaten by a fake shark.
There's no fucking way you're not going to go see a real person get bit on the
hand.
That's better.
That's better.
Because it's real.
Anyway, so I don't think you're, you know, if it's a suspecting beachgoer, you
don't give me.
If they're an unsuspecting beachgoer, you're not in panic.
You're tapping into fight or flight.
So I don't think you're in a state of panic when you're just like, Larry, get
the fuck out of the water.
Dude, can we talk about the panic?
Listen, OK, I know that there was a shark underneath his feet and he was unsuspecting.
But there was no reason to bring your voice to that level.
OK, it was toxic.
It didn't feel like a safe environment.
I didn't want to fly a kite anymore.
Anyway, however, the odds of getting attacked and killed by a shark are one in
three point seven.
Three, three hundred.
Wait, three.
Oh, Jesus.
Three hundred seventy.
Wait, three million seven hundred forty.
This is why this is why I became a comedian.
Three million seven hundred forty eight.
You know what it is, is they have a comma after the next last number instead of
a fucking period and two zero