Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-29-21
Uploaded: 2021-07-29T17:57:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-29-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-29-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-29. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-29-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you.
I'm just checking to see if you can still pee. If you're old like me, you can't.
I'm kidding. Anyway, what's going on? Nice to be here.
Nice to be here. I saw, oh, I saw something on the internet. I cannot get to a
fucking stand-up stage fast enough.
It was just such a gift from the comedy gods. I don't even know what angle to
drop it. It's just every fucking angle is funny.
Well, I got to tell you the topic. Some fucking idiot guy hooked himself up to
a car battery so he could see what it felt like to deliver a baby.
I mean, sometimes you got to dig for the comedy, and other times it's just
presented on a pillow.
One of them royal pillows, right? Somebody comes in, dressed with his fucking
socks, yanked up to his knees, you know, the little puffy pants.
Yeah, you are, sir. Ten minutes of fucking material. Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable.
Jesus Christ. It's just, I can't, you know, but I'm actually, I'm going to a
wedding this weekend.
Oh, Billy, Twinkle Toes is going to be on the dance floor. Oh, my God, a white
man sober at a fucking wedding.
Oh, being dragged out on the dance floor. Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God. If I could just get through that, I think I'll be all right.
Can I ask you a question? Why isn't it okay with people that dance that other
people don't dance?
Why can't they just leave us alone? Why can't you just leave? I'm having a good
time.
I don't need to be twirling around, fucking ripping my suit or whatever the
fuck it is you're doing.
You're good at it. That's what you should be doing. Fantastic.
Why do I have to fucking go out there? I don't want to go out there.
Can't I just sit over here and just fucking, you know, have something to eat,
talk to somebody?
Got to go out there like fucking Fred Astaire and fucking jumping around poles
and shit.
I mean, I just don't understand. I just do not understand why that is a part of
a wedding.
Like a required part of it.
Like if I showed up, you know, I wore the suit.
I applauded. I brought a gift.
Now, you don't get credit unless you get out.
Take those old records off the show.
Why?
Jesus Christ.
And then your fucking chick gets mad if you don't fucking go out there.
Come on out here.
I don't.
Do I get mad at you when you don't want to go to a football game?
You say it's boring.
I like the grass.
The grass is pretty.
Do I go like, oh.
I am like so fucking mad at you right now.
It's like, I get it.
You don't want to do this shit.
I will never do this to you again.
Nope.
I've been joking with my wife all week.
I'm like, I'm not doing it.
Okay.
I'm in therapy right now.
And my, I'm going to make my, for the first time in my life, my no's are going
to mean no.
I am not.
I am not drinking Merlot.
No.
It was good.
No, I'm going to get out there.
I'll have a good time.
But I am just fucking, I refuse to try.
You know, you want me to go out there?
I'll go out there.
Okay.
It's just, I just, I don't understand it.
I just don't.
I've never understood it.
It's, it's like you go to a bar.
There's drinking, there's darts, you know, you could be going and you get shit
face.
You're fine.
You know, if you didn't play darts, you know, you still get credit for drinking.
You can still get pulled over for drinking and driving.
People at the bar are like, Hey, Hey, come on.
Get out of here.
Get out of here.
Throw the fucking darts.
Come on.
Come on.
It's fun.
Right.
It's just like, why can't I just fucking, why can't you just let me be the
socially introverted
mess that I am?
Can't you just let me be that?
Oh, Christ.
It's unbelievable.
Um, but you know what?
It's the balance of life because the comedy gods gave me that fucking moron.
Oh my God.
Oh, I cannot, I can't, I can't fucking wait.
I mean, like there's like jokes in my act that are going to have to be removed.
They're going to lose a spot in the lineup.
I can't wait with the thoughts that I have about that.
I just cannot wait to get all of that out of me.
And, uh, the next couple of nights, you know, is the whole, the whole wedding.
You know, I just found out too that, you know, my wife is like, okay, this, I'm
wearing
this for the, for the rehearsal dinner and I'm wearing this for the wedding.
What do you think?
I'm like, it's great.
I need two outfits.
She's like, yeah, it's, it's the night.
All right.
Okay.
I can fix that.
I'm going to do the old, uh, one suit, two shirt fucking move.
How do you like that?
White shirt, black shirt, white shirt, black shirt, red fish, blue fish.
That's one of those Dr.
Seuss books.
That's what I'm doing.
That's what the fuck I'm doing.
Yeah.
I just want to go there and have a good time the way I have a good time.
Okay.
The way I do it.
Okay.
But for some reason, these, these happy people that had pleasant childhoods
want to drag you
into the fairy tale of their life.
And you're just like, just, can you just respect what I came up with?
All right.
I'm just fucking around, but I would be lying to you if, if I didn't say I, I,
I, I don't have a little anxiety.
It's, you know, but not as much anxiety.
I'm sitting there fucking, you know, watching the goddamn Olympics and all
these, uh, you know, all of these people.
What's going on though?
They say the Russians are banned, but they're still there.
It's just like, has the world just gone fucking crazy?
It's like they're banned.
They're not there.
Look at this guy.
He looks like he's Russian.
Could he be Russian?
So who gives a shit?
Who gives a shit if they go there and win and they're playing for another
country?
Who cares?
Who gives a fuck?
Like, who gives a fuck if Russia won all the medals?
Aren't we past?
Who gives a fuck?
Oh, are you better at badminton than we are?
I don't give a fuck if the Russians are better at us than badminton.
I give a shit if they're coming over the wall and they're pissed.
Those guys are fucking crazy.
You know, you want to go fucking, you know, beat somebody at ping pong.
Oh, can you do the backstroke better than some guy from fucking, uh, Czechoslovakia?
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
I'll watch it.
I'll enjoy it.
I don't understand.
Why are they banned?
That's stupid.
That's like taking Darth Vader out of a fucking Star Wars.
Now, what do you got?
Why are the Russians banned?
Are the Russians...
Banned.
How do you spell banned?
I'm spelling banned like you want to start a band, man.
Okay.
I don't know what happened.
It just, like, crossed out half the shit I wrote.
2019, the World Anti-Doping Agency banned Russians from all international
sporting competitions.
Uh, they just can't get sober over there, can they?
Including the Olympics, for four years over a doping scandal.
What is this, their 900th?
They're like the fucking USC of countries.
Uh, the punishment was cut in half two years ago.
Pay-o-la!
Whoa!
By the court of arbitration for sport following a 2020...
What, they give you some plutonium?
Hey, can you make this go away?
Uh, Italian accent for fucking Russians.
I don't know why, Bill.
All right.
A 2020 appeal and now ends in December 2022.
All right.
What was the dope...
Why are the Russian athletes competing at the Tokyo Olympics despite...
Wait, they're there wearing Russian...
Dude, that's hilarious.
They just crashed it?
All right.
Wait a second.
Why are the Russian athletes competing at Tokyo Olympics despite the country's
ban?
Sporting authorities do not want to punish clean athletes or cut off the money.
Oh, yeah.
If they're clean, that's fine.
You know?
Somebody next to me in class flunks.
But I pass.
Why should I have to go to summer school, too?
You like how I passed the class in that scenario?
The reality was I was the guy going to summer school.
When is an international Olympic team not an international Olympic team?
When it's the Russian Olympic Committee.
Officially, Russia is banned.
Oh, B-A-N-N-E-D.
Not B-A-N-D-E-D.
Banded.
Such a dope.
From competing in Tokyo for previous doping offenses.
Give me drugs.
Give me drugs.
But viewers would be forgiven for thinking otherwise.
A team of 335 athletes from Russia is competing under the name of the ROC.
What does that stand?
Russian oxy cocaine heads.
Russian oxy coke heads.
I'm sorry.
Wearing white, blue, and red uniforms and winning plenty of medals.
Russia.
I mean, you got to love that.
I mean, you got to love, you know, something punk rock about that.
Something rebellious.
I like it.
Russia has repeatedly violated anti-doping laws.
Have the rules been tough enough?
At the Winter Olympics in Vancouver in 2010, Russia won 15 medals, putting its
11th in the table?
What the fuck does that mean?
Four years later, in the Russian resort of Sochi, it came in first with 30
medals.
They were working out day and night, those guys.
Some of this improvement could be down to home advantage.
Australia, China, and Britain each improved their medal halls when they hosted
the summer games in recent years.
But Russian athletes received a more subtle leg up in the form of an extensive
state-sponsored doping program.
Yeah, yeah.
What a fucking thing to waste drugs on.
Let's see who can fucking ski faster down a fucking hill.
It's so dumb.
Why don't they cure paralysis?
You know, what are we doing?
It's so fucking dumb.
I don't fucking get it.
I like the Olympics.
I like watching it.
And I like seeing somebody win and be happy.
And I feel sad when somebody blows it, regardless of what country they're from.
You know what I mean?
Unless they're playing like a real sport, like hockey, basketball.
You know, I used to like U.S. basketball until they let the NBA guys play.
Then I can't get into it.
Although the European teams are good now, so maybe it's good.
Maybe we up the level, I guess.
I don't fucking know.
I don't know a lot of things.
All right.
I don't know much, but I don't give a fuck if you win a medal.
All right.
More sad news.
More sad news.
Rest in peace, Joey Jordanson.
The incredible drummer from Slipknot.
Just gone way, way, way too soon.
I don't know.
Was he 45, 46 years old?
I mean, talk about a guy that just influenced.
I don't know how many, like probably two full generations of kids to play
double bass.
All these kids you see playing blindingly fast.
You know, he's part of that whole, you know, Lars, Dave Lombardo, all of those
guys, that whole legacy of those speed metal drummers, which, you know, I was
more of a hair metal guy.
I got into this shit a little bit later, but Jesus Christ, such sad, sad news.
And Dusty Hill from ZZ Top, who I couldn't believe was 71, 72 years old, sent
me down this friggin', I don't know, what do they call it, rabbit hole.
I was just seeing how many musicians are dead from the 80s.
Don't ever do that to yourself if you're my age.
My God, there was so many people.
I didn't know the guy who was saying, I fucking saw a theater out in Africa.
I didn't know he was dead.
A lot of fucking dead people, man.
30 years goes by, a lot of people die.
There you go, Bill.
That was brilliant.
Thank you.
That's why we listen to the podcast.
That was such a stupid statement.
A lot of musicians, 30 years is, musicians seem to age in dog years, man.
This is just being on the fucking road, especially those older guys, man.
Because they were sort of the lab rats doing the road.
Like, nobody knew, you know.
Nobody knew, like, I think he, like, I don't even think, like, the Betty Ford
Clinic came out until, like, Betty Ford, right?
I mean, how many times did Betty Ford have to make an ass of herself before?
Like, that's when you know you're fucked up, when they, like, name the clinic
after you.
I mean, that is a first ballot Hall of Fame drunk.
You know what?
Give it up for Betty Ford.
I bet she was fun to drink with.
Yeah, Dusty Hill, great, unbelievable band.
ZZ Top, and one of the tightest bands you'd ever see.
And I was actually listening to them today, and there was a song that they were
playing, and it literally s