Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-21
Uploaded: 2021-08-02T16:33:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-02. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-2-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast from Monday, August 2nd, 2021.
Jesus H. Christ, can you fucking believe it?
Oh, my God, the summer's over. I'm almost all. Thank God for global warming.
Summer's going to keep going until October.
Anyway, why can't I fucking hear myself anymore? Am I going deaf over here?
Yeah, the numbers seem to be high enough. Is there a volume button?
What does this do? What if I push this? Does this do something?
I don't know, Bill. What if you actually read the fucking manual? That could do
something.
What about these here? Are these little buttons here? What if I turn the light
on? What if I could see?
Oh, there's so many what ifs, you know? It's a lot like writing a script.
What if we had the guy do this? Well, gee, I don't know. What if we had him do
that?
Oh, there's a volume. There's a volume. Oh, and I can hear myself.
Well, that's what happened. All right. There you go.
That was exciting. I actually just did that and I didn't lose my temper.
You owe me.
Who the fuck for all these fucking fucking pieces of shit?
So fucking stupid. Stupid fucking thing that I don't know how to build.
Anyway, how are you guys? It's the beginning of August. It's beginning to look
a lot like football season.
No, can't do that. Can't skip over America's pastime. It's America's pastime.
USA! USA!
Major League Baseball, everybody. Our version of cricket.
But we get it done in three hours because we got shit to do.
Unlike you guys with your three-day fucking games. Who cares after three days?
You know what? Am I watching a mini? I'm kidding.
If I was still boozing, I'd be the biggest cricket fan ever.
Go into the game, honey. See you in three days.
Go on a three-day fucking bender.
I thought you said you were going to a game.
Yeah, I was. It's three days long.
I didn't know that.
Oh, well, you know, I mean, it's in the papers.
You know, you got the internet. The information's out there.
You're mad at me?
You know, if you tell me you're going to brunch, I know how long that takes.
If somebody says I'm going to cricket,
my first thing, well, how long does that take?
You didn't ask the questions you needed to ask.
Well, I don't know.
I just, you know, something.
It was a great three days.
How about you leave it at that?
All right.
So, old Billy fucking bantamweight.
I'm sorry.
Billy cruiserweight.
Super fucking lightweight.
Whatever the fuck I am.
Billy fat fucking tits.
I'm going to try to do the elliptical every single day
to prove that guy wrong on YouTube.
Cardio burns fat, right?
No.
I'm going to prove that guy fucking wrong.
I also been eating right.
Doing the right thing so I don't become a tub of shit.
I was happy when I went to the wedding was my suits.
Actually, I was on the upper echelon of them fitting me.
I'm not saying I didn't put a little stress on the fasteners.
I'm not saying the zipper wasn't like Jesus Christ.
How many times can you do the electric slide for the love of fucking Christ?
It was amazing.
If you guys listened to my fucking podcast last week, last Thursday, you got a
glimpse into me of who I really was.
The amount that I was freaking out about a wedding where I'm not even the one
getting fucking married just because of what a social event it is and how it
just takes me back to when I was a fucking kid.
And, you know, just growing up in a loner, antisocial fucking environment that
all of those fuck like, you know, I actually had somebody had to teach me how
to talk to a waitress.
Like, they would come over and be like, hey, would you like any more juice?
And I'd just be like, no.
And then they'd be like, and they'd walk away.
My buddy who waited at tables would be like, dude, you know, why were you so
harsh to her?
And then I was just like, you know, all defensive and angry.
Like, you think I'm angry now.
Back in the day.
I was just like, what?
She asked me if I wanted orange juice.
I fucking said no.
What was I supposed to say?
Yeah?
I didn't want fucking juice.
It's like, no, it's just the way you said no.
You could be like, ah, you know what?
Actually, I'm good.
Thank you.
And I was like, oh, all right.
Then I started laughing.
And I never forgot that.
And ever since then, I've tried to do that.
So anyway, I ended up going to the wedding.
I had like, as usual, what I was freaking out about, I ended up having a great
time.
You know, got out there, got on the dance floor, had a little couple of cokes.
I fucking, you know, joking around, talking to people.
I had a fucking great time.
I had a great time.
And I actually walked out like, oh, yeah, weddings are fun.
You know, if you're not a walled off frigging, I'm such a fucking lunatic.
So I show up my suit like an asshole.
And I remembered my belt.
And then it turned out that my suit didn't need a belt.
And I forgot my cufflinks and a tie.
And I was like, oh, my God, I'm a fucking mess.
And my wife had to remind me like, Bill, no one gives a shit about you.
This isn't your wedding.
Okay?
Just fucking show up.
Nobody's going to notice.
And they didn't.
They did not.
So there's one for you.
I've learned that lesson a zillion times.
There's in your head.
You have these fucking mountains.
Because whatever happened to you, happened to you when you were a kid.
And it was your entire universe.
So it becomes this big fucking thing in your head.
And as an adult, you just walk up to it.
And it's like stepping up onto a curb.
Like, oh, God, I thought this was going to be a – no, but you just show up
and have fun.
I don't know how to do that.
Speaking up of – it was actually a great wedding, too, by the way.
It was a great wedding where you're seeing two people that are supposed to be
together, that love each other.
It was really awesome.
And then the people that spoke were great, you know, the emcee crushed it,
great DJ.
The whole thing was just wire to wire, you know, taco station, man.
It was just – you know, it really made me wish I was still drinking, but it
was awesome.
You know, there's nothing worse than going to a fucking wedding where it's just
like these two people, what are they thinking?
What – this is like, you know, brushing your teeth and then having a glass of
orange juice here.
What are we doing?
Those weddings are like, oof.
You can feel it.
You can feel the divorce papers hanging in the air.
I've been to two of those.
And one ended up in divorce and the other one, I think they're still together.
Yeah, the – oh, man.
One of them I went to, it was just like – I remember when the groom was toasting
his bride, trying to say why he loved her, and he was like searching for words.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
I just want to crawl under the fucking table.
So thank God.
Is there anything better than going to a fucking wedding, getting out of your
own head, having a good time, and then seeing two people that love each other
that want to be together?
It was fucking awesome.
I had the best time.
Then we hung out for like an extra half a day and took my daughter out to an
aquarium that they had there.
And she had an awesome time, and she got a T-shirt that had a shark that glows
in the dark.
So she was all excited.
I want to wear this to bed so I can see it glow in the dark.
And it was a good time.
Good time.
So anyway, speaking of good times, I'm coming back to Boston.
I'm coming back.
I'm Bill Burr.
I came to get down.
I'm coming back to Boston, and I am going to be doing the Wilbur Theater on
August 11th.
It's already sold out in memory of our great friend Wayne Previty.
Giant hole in my heart that will never be replaced with him passing.
All the proceeds are going to be going to the American Heart Association, and
it's just going to be awesome.
It's going to be a big reunion.
The lineup's going to be a bunch of comedians that I started out with, and I
have invited a bunch of comics,
like more comics than I have available for spots.
And we're going to have some Chinese food and all of that shit because that's
such a big thing.
You know, the Chinese food in New England, it's just fucking, it's just next
level.
It's the best Chinese food I've had other than when I went to China, which was
completely different Chinese food,
which was also amazing, which, by the way, if you ever go to, like, Singapore
or China and get dumplings,
it's just, you never knew that something like that even existed.
The dumplings they had at the fucking airport would be in a five-star
restaurant over here.
And that was just their bullshit airport dumplings as opposed to the spot that
everybody goes to.
But anyways, and I've never done this.
I got to give a shout out to Chinese people in Boston and give them their props
for what they've done for stand-up comedy.
An article really needs, I don't know if it's been written, it's probably been
written,
but, like, I don't think they ever got the credit.
The entire Boston comedy scene started in a Chinese restaurant at the Ding Ho
where all these amazing comedians, Lenny Clark, Steve Sweeney, Don Gavin, Kenny
Rogerson,
Jimmy Tingle, Stephen Wright, all of these people, all of these people, Dennis
Leary,
all of these people started out.
Tony V, Frank Santarelli, all of these guys started out there and in this
Chinese restaurant
and then, like, this, it just works so well that it just, I don't know,
we have, like, stand-up comedy and Chinese restaurants had, like, this handshake
deal
that, you know, we'll help you and you help, we'll bring people in here to eat
your food
and you let us stand on stage and, you know, tell our dumb jokes.
And I did stand-up, like, so many of my first shows were in Chinese restaurants.
They had these, there was actually a chain called the Aku Aku, or the Aku Aku.
There was one in Worcester and one in Arlington.
I did a million gigs there.
I used to do the Kowloon.
It was always a Chinese restaurant and stand-up comedy, and I love the Chinese,
especially since I left, how great the food is back there.
You know, for some reason around the country, you can't get Crab Rangoon,
you can't get Chicken Fingers and all that specific New England Chinese food.
And so shout-out to Chinese people with your restaurants in Boston.
If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be here right now running my yap.
I don't know, because another thing, too, was it was great stage time where
they never, like,
you know, they didn't stick you next to the kitchen where they were cooking.
They always had a nice big room.
It was closed off, and they would just be coming in, bringing in the food and
everything,
but it was always like a function room, and you could, you know, if you were on
your game,
you could have a great set.
So, I don't know.
I think just going back and doing this reunion with all of these guys
and then ordering Chinese food for everybody made me think of, like,
you know what, that was such a huge, like, every time I go back and eat Chinese
food,
I just start thinking about comedy shows, good and bad, that I had.
So, thank you to the great people that make that food and help out all us
comics,
giving us a stage to work it out and figure out if we can do something in this
business.
So, as I mentioned, I will be back in Boston, so I'm going to try to do the
cardio every day
as I hit all of these spots that I want to go eat at.
So, I'm trying to have, like, a zero week.
Didn't gain anything, didn't lose anything, but I don't know.
I haven't weighed myself yet since the fucking wedding because I did eat like
an asshole,
but I just keep going to the gym and just knocking it out, getting it in,
getting it in.
And on the weekend, I wanted to go to the gym all three days, but when I got to
the hotel,
our room wasn't ready, and then there was the rehearsal dinner, so I didn't
make it on the first day.
I made it on the second day, and then yesterday, I was like, all right, we'll
check out.
I'll take the kids to the aquarium, and then I'll hit the gym afterwards, and
you know how that goes.
You sit in traffic, you're like, ah, fuck it