Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-5-21
Uploaded: 2021-08-05T22:02:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-5-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-5-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-05. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-5-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in on you to see how you're doing.
I just had a smoothie for dinner. Oh, boy. Exciting.
I had a fucking smoothie for dinner, and I don't think I made it right. It
tastes weird. I could taste what it was trying to be.
And then I looked at the ingredients, and I realized that I fucked it up.
The hell was it here? It was, I'll tell you the recipe.
I got it on Christine's Chicken. No, Kristen's Kitchen. Christine's Chicken.
See, this is why I did bad in school. Like, I have some fucking undiagnosed dyslexia,
or I'm just stupid.
Christine's Kitchen became Christine's Chicken.
A Cocoa Almond Protein Smoothie.
Three quarters of a cup of Greek yogurt.
A half a cup plus two tablespoons of milk.
I didn't see the two tablespoons of milk.
I just did a quarter of a cup of milk.
One medium banana, sliced, preferably frozen.
Half a tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder.
Two tablespoons of almond butter.
Two teaspoons of ground flax seed.
That's optional.
And three quarters of a cup of ice.
Of ice cubes.
I should say.
Three quarters of a cup.
Jesus Christ.
I don't know what I did wrong with that.
But it did not look like the one that they made.
Because you know what they did was, after they made it, they then put a little,
they put like three banana slices on top.
And then they crumpled some dark chocolate on top of it.
And you're like, what the fuck is that?
And then you look at yours after you get done making it, and it just looks like,
you know, somebody shouldn't have drank the water.
But it tasted good.
And I'm hanging in there.
You know?
I had an acting gig today, you know, and I had, you know, low budget things.
So I had to bring my own costume, as they say, my own wardrobe.
And I grabbed some slacks and a shirt.
And it ended up being, you know, from my skinny days.
And I was able to fit.
I had to squeeze in, but I was able to fit.
So I'm getting back.
All right?
I feel like I'm past the halfway point.
And, you know, I'm sticking with this shit.
Although, I am going back east, coming up to Foxwood.
So that might be a bad couple of days.
But I don't know what I'll do.
I'll find an elliptical somewhere.
Or I'll do something.
I'll do something.
I will figure out something.
But I've had a really, really, really good week.
I had such a good time on that acting gig today.
And, you know, I had to play, you know, like I said, I only had a couple of
lines playing this little character.
And what's great, though, is when you have a shaved head, you know, and then
you shave your beard off.
Like the hair person now has a complete blank slate to work with.
And they can just age you, make you younger, whatever.
And we just had a fucking blast today.
And I came out.
I didn't even, people didn't even know it was me.
It was so much fucking fun.
So much fun.
All right.
So that's for all you young actors out there.
All right.
If you're fucking unsightly like myself and you're losing your hair, just know,
you know, there's so much fun to be have.
Still, you know, it's OK if you don't look like Brad Pitt, you can look like me
and still get fucking work and then just steer in to how fucked up you look.
And then it just becomes like the best time ever.
And that's what I did.
So we shot today at this location.
The guy who let us in.
He had what looked like a Harley Road King, but it had like the windscreen and
the radio and all of that on it.
And oh, did I get the motorcycle bug?
Oh, my God.
Did I get the motorcycle bug?
Once in your life, if you're an American, you got to ride a fucking Road King.
You just have to do it.
So.
I don't know.
I just he turned it on.
But that thing fucking that engine, that V-twin, whatever the fuck they call it.
I was just like, I want one of those.
I didn't want one.
And then I saw yours and I heard it and now I want it.
You know, it's how it works.
It's basically how it works.
So.
But anyway, we did the acting gig and everybody I was working with was fun.
Director was awesome.
And it was a really fun project.
And, you know, got in and out of there in like a half a day.
I mean, actually, the longest thing was the hair and the makeup.
Peel that shit off me afterwards or the makeup lady doing it.
And she did a great job, too.
I'll tell you, underrated, underrated.
If you're acting and they put a bunch of stuff on you at the end of the day, if
the makeup person actually hangs around and gives you the right products to get
all of that extra shit off of your face.
It's incredible because there's some people I've worked with and like a week
after I've wrapped on the gig.
You know.
I'll just scratch behind my ear and there's still glue or something.
Something's stuck there.
It's like invisible.
You can't see it.
And you got to have some oil-based thing to get it off.
And then finally it just starts looking like, like, what is that?
Is that an old age spot?
And you realize it's, this is gross.
It's like fucking old glue.
Maybe not a week later, but like a day or two later.
It's just fucking like, you just feel like you can't get clean.
So, anyway, shout out to my Boston Red Sox who I've been watching for the last
five games, including tonight.
Of course, I sit down on the, you know, Billy the Mush.
You know, I watched him lose four straight games, get swept by the Devil Rays.
I watched that whole series and I watched him lose the first of a three-game
set against the Detroit Tigers.
But tonight they won.
And I hit a couple of home runs and shit.
Getting to know the team, you know, getting caught up, getting ready for
fucking October baseball and everything.
And love and listen to Eckersley in his own language.
You know, it's just fun listening to that guy call a game and everything.
I always think it's great when there's a pitcher in the booth.
Because, I don't know, I just feel like with hitters, you can kind of see what
they're doing.
But, like, he's always calling the pitches and guessing the pitches and saying
why the guy did it or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or what he should have done
and all of that.
I fucking love it, man.
Really enjoyable.
Shout out to the Los Angeles Lakers.
Jesus Christ.
They're putting together a boy band out there.
My God.
They already bought a title two fucking years ago, right?
They buy LeBron because they know that he's like a fucking, he's like a, what
do you call it?
That's like a cornerstone.
And then all the fucking free agents will flutter over to him like a moth to a
light.
Then they get Anthony Davis, right?
Fuck New Orleans.
Those people, they don't deserve anything, do they?
It's just New Orleans.
They're just Americans.
Why should they enjoy an NBA title?
Why should they have Anthony Davis and Zion, right?
Fuck it.
Go ahead.
See ya.
He goes to there and they buy a fucking title.
Oh, my God.
I was fucking teasing Laker fans on Twitter.
Jesus Christ.
And then they fucking, they all took the bait and none of them could defend
them buying a title.
All they keep saying, you mad, bro?
Don't be sad.
Why you hating?
That's the intellect of a Laker fan.
But what else are they going to say?
They should just admit it.
Yeah, we're buying titles.
Why?
I do it.
We bought one in 2008.
The Celtics bought a fucking title.
That was a fucking pile on championship.
There you go.
And we, and, but you know what?
We only, we only need two.
We only needed two free agents.
Unlike these cunts.
Then they had a fucking, uh, what's his face?
Tim Witherspoon there.
Westbrook.
And they had him, right?
And they go, here we go again.
And then I don't know what.
I guess they were watching an episode of the Golden Girls.
So they, they signed fucking Carmelo Anthony.
All right.
Oh my God.
He's, he's an all defensive player.
Okay.
Um, and then today they got for like the third fucking time.
Dwight Howard.
I think the Lakers are just, for some reason, it just bothered them that this
fucking Adonis
could not win a ring with them.
They just have to fucking get this guy a goddamn ring.
Um, but that is, you know, I guess it's, it's consistent with the Lakers.
They've always bought other people's stars.
It's just what they do.
That's what they do.
They're Mount Rushmore.
They always talk about all the great centers, centers in fucking LA Laker
history.
And none of them, none of them, unless you go back to World War II and find the
white
guy, George Mikan.
And that was in Minneapolis.
But there's not one hall of fame center in the Los Angeles Lakers history.
That was a drafted Los Angeles Laker.
They cannot pick a fucking center to save their fucking lives.
So they got to take out the checkbook and buy Wilt and buy Kareem and buy Shaq
and buy
Anthony Davis.
They just got to buy the guys, which I guess is fine.
Cause that's how they fucking do it now.
But like for them to just sit there, Oh, you know, Kobe's got five titles.
He's only one behind fucking Jordan.
It's like Jordan didn't get a boatload of free agent help every fucking year.
It's not the same thing.
You can say he's got five and Jordan has six, but don't act like it's the same
level of difficulty
because it isn't.
It isn't.
Jordan did not play in a fucking era where everybody was friends and sat on a
fucking boat
and to say, Hey, let's all jump on this team and we'll win it.
Oh, okay.
Hey, now everybody, we're jumping on this team.
I don't know.
I'm just going to keep saying it because he's fucking Laker.
It drives some fucking bananas.
If it wasn't for the rest of the league,
drafting the right people and developing the talent, the Lakers could never win
a title.
Yeah.
And I love these Laker fans that try to act like the Kobe Shaq era.
It wasn't a pile on fucking team with Phil Jackson.
And you can totally tell it was a pile on team because when Shaq got sick of
Kobe, he goes,
All right, fuck you.
I'll go play with Dwayne Wade.
And then they won.
Bam.
I can win with you or I can win with you.
I'll need a pile on here or I'll fucking pile on there.
Um, all right, I'm done with that shit.
Um, anyway, let's talk about, uh, I want to start an open dialogue with anybody
who, who
listens to this podcast, who rides a bike bicycle in the city.
And as someone who drives a car, just out of curiosity, what the fuck is your
guy's problems?
Like, I just want to hear what is the fucking problem?
Like they're fucking the most arrogant fucking assholes.
Only a person on a bike can be breaking a law while yelling at somebody in a
car for doing
the same thing.
It's literally what happened to me, right?
I was fucking late.
I went down a side street.
I did a rolling stop through a stop sign as a guy in a bicycle is also not
stopping at
a stop sign.
And then he looks at me and gives me a sarcastic thumbs up like he's fucking
Dudley do right.
And I was late.
I just wanted to back up and be like, dude, you know, you're required to follow
the rules
of the road.
For some reason, people on bicycles think they're above stopping at red lights
or maybe because
you have your little Lance Armstrong fucking slippers on as you pretend to be
in the tour
to France riding down the street.
You don't want to take them out.
So you just blow through a red light.
I mean, if they obeyed the rules of the road, I don't I don't hate everybody on
a bicycle.
But when I see somebody in street clothes on a bicycle with just a helmet on,
they're always
a good shit.
They always get over.
They let you get by.
But the second they put on like the fucking the I don't know.
The Laker girl wear, you know, with all the advertisement on it, like they're
in some sort
of time trial.
The second they do that shit, they just become these cunts who ride out in the
middle of the
street with what it looks like a funeral procession is behind them.
I just love how they always shake their head when something after they fucking
blow through
a red light and they're almost get hit.
Then they shake their head.
And it's j