Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-16-21
Uploaded: 2021-08-16T18:18:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-16-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-16-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-16. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-16-21

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
um august 17th no august 16th today's monday what's going on how are ya echo
echo
sorry i'm up in the fucking attic of this house
you know i'm still on vacation here enjoying myself i apologize for the echo
there's nothing i could
fucking do about it but even if there wasn't an echo wouldn't it wouldn't you
complain about
something else you know wouldn't you be like oh you know good podcast but what
was up with the treble
all right first of all you know anyway well what the fuck do you want from me
all right i'm not
somebody that has a crew i don't have a posse i don't have an ensemble or an
entourage i fucking
do this shit wherever i can do it so sometimes it sounds good sometimes it
doesn't
oh man you know what i fucking saw today really just annoyed the fucking shit
out of me
oh my god it just fucking bugged the shit out of me it bugged the shit out of
me oh did it bug
the fucking shit out of me some stupid fucking post you know where mothers are
complaining once again
about how they have no fucking help jesus fucking christ yeah they're they're
unbelievable it's just
they weren't a kid and then they have a kid they're like i didn't know it was
work i'm so tired
they're just all fucking slapping each other on the goddamn back about how hard
they work and all of
this fucking shit you go find that fucking post out there about fathers you
know i want to see that
fucking goddamn i don't know and if you if you find it i'm gonna shit on them
too
bunch of fucking babies sitting in a fucking apartment in our house with a flat
screen tv
you got tablets you got more goddamn shit to distract your fucking kid with
nowadays and this they're
fucking complaining more than ever do we listen to the mothers enough
is there an open dialogue you know this is what you know the genius of people
that do shit like that
is they never really make a statement all they do is just lead these fucking
mouth breathers to it by
asking questions you know did that song go a little too far they just put that
idea in some dope's head
they go you know what i think it did it went too far for me i was raised methodist
or whatever their fucking
dumb ass complaint is um sorry i just woke up to that i just read that and you
know it's one of those
things where you want to chime in you want to say something but at the end of
the day like most things
it's like what's what's the upside where's the upside of this if i actually
fucking chime in here there's no
fucking upside all right just let them fucking complain it has to be really
difficult it must be
fucking one of the hardest things in the world you know you might want to watch
the world news every
once in a while i think you'd feel a little bit better about uh you know
feeding your kid fruit loops
you know i gotta tell you being an actor in a movie is one of the most
difficult things ever
i mean you show up and you have these things to say that somebody else already
wrote so really all you
have to do is just stop on a piece of tape and then just say what somebody else
wrote you know
it maybe put a pause in there so it sounds interesting and it makes it look
like you're actually thinking
you have no idea how mentally taxing that is um we as actors the the the bravity
of the way we put
our instrument out there to be judged to be criticized i'm sorry i don't know a
third word for that same
thing who gives a fuck um let's talk about the ocean everybody paul versi the
whole
week has been trying to get me to go swimming in the fucking ocean so he does
the usual thing about
like you know you actually have a greater chance of being struck by lightning
than you do
of uh getting eaten by a shark enjoy the water all right first of all who wants
to be struck by
lightning both of those things are horrible things you know that's like you
know you have just as
greater chance of getting unwillingly fucked in the ass as you do as being lit
on fire at a firework
show and it's i know that stat isn't true but i'm just saying both of those
things are horrible
all right and i really should have thought this through more but i'm too far
now and i'm not hitting
that's it um yeah that whole bullshit you have a greater chance of getting
struck by lightning than
getting eaten by a shark is fucking bullshit when it comes to me it isn't
because i'm never going to
get struck by lightning because when it's thundering out i go inside
okay when i step into the ocean i have now walked into the room where all the
sharks that ain't it sea
world or some fucking aquarium are at so don't give me that bullshit
i have zero percent chance of being struck by lightning i don't go outside when
there's lightning
walking into the ocean where the sharks are is the same thing as if it was
lightning out if i put a
fucking i don't know some sort of metal hat on and just walked out there so go
fuck yourselves with
that not to mention i go out i i don't go in the ocean i frolic i frolic along
the beach that's where
i go you know that's where i go takes you back to the old joke i used to do in
my act where people
like you know 90 of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water and these
fucking idiots think
you're safer if you're in deep water it's like dumb dumb that's where the
people are it's called the
beach 90 of people that are in the ocean are at the fucking beach okay and then
you got the people
that like to scuba dive and swim into caves and get certified you know and
break records holding their
breath and doing all of that crazies that that's a whole other that's a whole
other human all right
those people who watched aquaman too many times and now they want to go live it
talking to fish tuna swordfish
yeah so i go into the fucking ocean frolicking with my kids you know having a
good time skipping
around zinc oxide on my cute little button nose right and uh all of a sudden i
feel something
nibbling at my foot and i look down it's like this little fucking crab like the
size of my thumb
coming up like uh hey this is my territory so i give him a little kick you know
what's you know
i put on a show i make sure the sand at the bottom comes up you know what this
guy this fucking thing
jumped up in the air like jordan and just had its claws out no it was like ralph
macchio
and the karate kid it just fucking went up in the air like let's do this and i'm
just looking at this
little shit like i could just crush you and even you want to fight
you know why that that's that you know why that crab is like that because it
knows where it is
okay it's in the fucking ocean
the thing about the ocean what i love about the ocean that lulls all these
fucking
these these these goddamn sea lion looking people with their rolls of fucking
jelly coming down the
fucking beach what i love about these people is these same people wouldn't you
know would you walk
into the jungle barefoot wearing a pair of shorts
if there were bears tigers lions wherever the fuck you were at right i guess a
bear lives in the forest
i don't know is that like the suburbs of the jungle i live in the forest i just
got sick of the jungle
too much murder you know too much crime just came out here where the air is a
little fresher
less hunters um
yeah that's what you do when you go into the ocean you're basically walking
into a jungle that's
underwater that has a bunch of shit in there that could fucking kill you
including
the water when you walk into the jungle could can the air kill you
does the air all of a sudden start moving in a direction that drags you along
and you got
to be like okay i can't breathe right now maybe i'll i just need to like sort
of swim walk parallel to
this until i can breathe again um yeah so i know you guys enjoy the beach i'm
not saying don't enjoy
the beach i'm just saying start coming at me with your dumb ass fucking stats
all right i know what i'm dealing with here jacques custod's kid got killed by
a shark
who knew more about the ocean than jacques custod nobody so i'm not listening
to you and you're
stupid i googled chances of hey theory chances of shark attack and then you're
gonna come at me hey hey
bill enjoy the ocean that's what versi says to me enjoy the ocean as if he just
debunked all of my fears
all of a sudden he's an oceanographer because he talked to the broad in his
phone
whatever um having said that my my daughter wanted to go in the ocean so i put
the floaties
on her and i finally said it and i went out there and you know i had i enjoyed
myself you know if
you're into swimming in dirty water i don't understand what the problem is well
like we got pools
you can see all the way to the bottom the only chemical in the pool is to help
make the water
cleaner as opposed to whatever the dupont put in the water or the raw sewage
that people haven't
realized just around the corner that somebody's dumping in there um all right
bill we get it
you don't like the ocean um i do like the ocean i also like the jungle i know i'm
not a part of it
actually is that really true i guess if you go back to caveman days i am part
of the jungle and the
forest wow i just figured it out i'm a spineless caveman
i'm a caveman that wouldn't have made it back in the day um
also i gotta tell you i'm into those fucking kayaks you know just kind of going
around but you got to
make sure you get a bigger one you get one of the small ones you don't realize
it's just for a kid
you just sink down to the bottom but uh i've been watching people cruising
around
just off the coast i mean that looks better to me
be above the water some shark comes over it bites you know
do you know you have a greater chance of being struck by lightning in a kayak
than you do of getting
bit by a shark i would disagree because kayaks made out of plastic all right so
is the helmet
all right when the fucking ore is made out of plastic the handles made out of
wood
i'm doing all the things i need to do to avoid lightning
500 people a year get eaten by show whatever the fuck they said i don't give a
all right what else can i talk about here what else can i babble about
babble on about in this goddamn attic up here um did you guys watch that moto gp
race
out there in austria homeland of arnold schwarzenegger brad binder he's on the
snicks it's
fucking raining out everybody else went in and brad binder wins it that's how
um
all i think every time i listen to moto gp when it gets exciting is that spam
spam spam from
fucking monty python um what a crazy race absolutely crazy race francisco bunya
is that how you say his name was leading the race also is leading in points
and they're flying around the track and the whole time they're worried that it's
going to start raining
right and for the most part it's fabio quattro
this guy francisco benya i don't even know how to say his fucking name right
and mark marquez
and they're going back and forth i lost count how many times these guys passed
each other
all right which is why i like moto gp the best and then all of a sudden it
starts
fucking raining out these guys are out there on slicks doing like fucking you
know anywhere from 150 to 200
miles an hour and then going into turns when they slow down to about i don't
know like you know 70
so
there's like five laps to go and all of a sudden it just starts pouring raining
and now they have to
slow down to like i don't even know what they were doing i mean i think they
were they were like
i don't know what slowing down a motor gp is i think on a straightaway they
were only going like 80 miles
an hour and it's pouring rain out with slicks on and they're racing with each
other and finally with
three laps to go i don't know what they all somebody put their hand up they all
put their hand up like
fuck it all the leaders we're going to go in and we're going to switch bikes
and get on a bike that has
tires that can deal with the rain right and so basically everybody went in
everybody followed
the leaders be