Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-7-21
Uploaded: 2021-10-07T20:34:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-7-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-7-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-07. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-7-21

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you to see how your week is
going
is it going as wonderful as mine oh jesus what a fucking week you know a few
weeks ago
i went to the uh penn state game they were playing ball state i think you know
they had to cover a lot
of points so i'm there with versi you know let's throw some money on the game
let's have a good
time you know you know the spread's going to be big when the flyover is
helicopters
you know it's a big game if you actually get a stealth bomber but if you get
two fucking
helicopters that don't quite get there by the end of the fucking song that's
when you know the spread
is double digits all right this is for gamblers here all right so and the home
of the brave hooray
thousand one thousand two thousand three thousand four
yay
um i found out afterward that uh everybody i was with was disappointing that
that it wasn't jets but
they knew that i flew you know a helicopter you know so they didn't want to it's
like i get it
i got 300 hours you don't have to fucking
fucking look at me like i fly for the news i don't give i'm not this is a hobby
i'm not getting
offended by that you know there was some hack out there you know telling awful
jokes that we've seen
for a bunch of years and you were laughing at it i would be offended by that
because i do that
for a living you cannot get offended if somebody steps on the toes of your
hobby
i don't know if that's a rule but that's a rule in my world i don't i don't
want to hear
about your fucking you know what's funny about a hobby
is this is how much you know that how much people hate their fucking jobs
is like have you ever heard the level of passion in somebody's voice about
their job
the way they they talk about their fucking hobby
you know i mean like if some guys into like
some guys into fishing like bobby kelly
if you're into like fishing okay i don't give a fuck what those guys do
for a living okay just pick the funnest fucking job ever
the end of the day no matter how fun your job is it becomes a fucking job
time to make the donuts no matter what it is
you know even my fun job the job's still fun but oh getting there
the older you get oh the older you get
you know you start seeing those glow sticks lax and your bottom lip starts quivering
like
how long is it going to take me to get from these glow sticks
to the entrance and from the entrance
through that line of cattle in which i am part of that livestock how long
how long has this been going on how long is this gonna fucking take
you know what i mean however i gotta tell you just a few times i actually fly
to go on a vacation which is very rare because i always got a gig
you know what i mean i always i always do a gig when i'm out there to pay for
everything
so i keep my head above the water because there's no 401k when it comes to
being a comedian you're on your own
i ain't dying like larry fine in a fucking where the fuck they put him talking
to a wall
i don't know if he died like that but you know he could have died better
he's one of the three stooges he would have been 118 years old the other day if
mo didn't slap him around so much
you want to talk about a fucking uh cte case larry fine
glary i'm not fine thank you very much mo sorry these are three stooges
references from the fucking 1940s um anyway um
yeah the level of fucking passion somebody has when they talk about that i don't
give a i think it'd be the whittling
you know like you know what i started watching on youtube i don't know how i
got into this
these this fucking guy has a lathe
that's right a lathe
i've seen every animal kill every other animal i've seen every person get hit
in the balls
as much as they could get hit in the balls i've seen every month of every fail
for the last fucking i don't know 15 years
i've seen every resto mod every every restoration every fucking
i don't know what do you call those what do you call those cars that they they
build but they they don't actually put them out to the public
those uh um ah what do they call those fucking things whatever
it'll come to me it'll come to me concept car a concept car seen all of those
fucking things
now i am down to i am watching this guy that has a lathe for those of you who
don't give a
fuck about woodworking or anything like that i believe that's what it's called
it's that thing
you know where you stick a piece of wood on it and it's you know you stick the
point in on either
end and it spins it these guys take what look like files that you would use to
to get out of jail
back in the day right and um he whittles the fucking thing into something like
a piece of art or something
a lot of vases this guy makes and uh i just i don't know i just started
watching now that's just one of
those things right like if you had the you know i don't give a fuck what job
you had but the president
of the united states you don't have to sit in traffic i mean the downside is
you get blamed for everything
but you don't have to sit in traffic somebody writes your speeches you just go
up there and you
try to say it with an earnest look on your face i did not have sexual relations
with that woman right
he just fucking you know thousand points alike i'm the desider oh oh whatever
the
Obama said then you had donnie trump who was just a jazz he's a jazz singer he
was just up there
fucking improv people looking at the teleprompter and looking at each other
like what the is
he talking i don't know man he is on one he's playing in free time all right
and you got this guy here forgetful freddy you know i don't even know what he
can't even
i don't know that guy jesus christ he sounds like he's just always telling the
the most boring story ever that has no point and he's just so old and cute you
don't want to get up
and walk out of the room so i just try to avoid him um
what is my point so if you're president and you're dealing with that all day
right and now
your wife's the first lady so god knows you know she's pushing to do something
you know which i thought was the new move
with barack's wife and bill clinton's wife like they got all up in there like
they got elected too
you know what i mean they're making tick tock videos and it's just hey let's
settle down ladies you didn't win the election
i i i noticed you know bush trump and now joe biden like their wives are just
like yeah man you know
i'm cool just chilling here in the background which i gotta tell you that's the
kind of first lady i
would be i would just be sitting there you know i gotta be honest with you this
is the kind of
i am i would literally just be enjoying the perks that i don't have a pet
project what's my pet project
fucking swimming in the pool
utilizing that personal chef why yes i would like another slider
then all i gotta do is get dolled up whenever my fucking other half is i would
i would crush as the
first male first lady i would fucking crush i would be like p90x and are doing
the elliptical
i would be in savage fucking shape you know i wouldn't call attention to it i
just try to see
how many speeches it took before people started knowing that i was getting
fucking chiseled that
that would be the game within the game for me as the first male first lady you
know
typical fucking women man you got a great gig and you're looking across the
table and all you see is
the roses you just think somebody's got it better that guy's got dead bodies on
his fucking brain every
night dead babies and all of this from missiles that didn't land where they
were supposed to land
this guy's aging and dog years and they still look across the table and think
you got it better
that is the genius of of being happy with where the fuck you i would be so i
would just be like i know
the perspective is different because you know we only let women out of the
kitchen like 30 years ago or
at least that's the level that white women are complaining right now um i get
it so they feel
like they have to fucking climb the hill you know what i mean but i would have
to say
that even if tables were flipped and women were running and i was in a position
to further position
further the position of men i'd have to go anti-vaxxer there and just think for
myself
i'm doing what's best for me fuck everybody else that's
that's the the group this is about me that's that's the kind of male first lady
i would be
oh man i would i would i would get into paul newman shape and i would fucking
rip off that
guy's wardrobe i'd be fucking cardigan sweaters when i didn't have to wear a
suit okay i would look
like a man that knew somebody that was a member of a tennis club
all right
savage fucking shape and i would just i would you know have the secret service
soundproof one room
and i would just be playing drums all day i'd probably slip off the wagon you
know
you know you're like stevie wonder and
shit coming over the white house whenever you want
i mean you can't you know at some point somebody's gonna come by with something
and i'm gonna be after a while you probably get bored
this is when you know you're the ultimate freeloader when you're praying
i'm praying that my wife gets elected again not because i feel it's good for
the country
is i just don't want to give up the perks you know what i mean
because even if my wife goes out and does the fucking speech tour you know give
speeches to the
fucking bankers that you know she did exactly what they told her to do so she
wouldn't have a
convertible ride in dallas and we ended up with the mansion in martha's vineyard
still you know what
what i mean it's like you're on the other side of it your songs are no longer
on the charts
the casinos you're playing every year get further and further out into the
woods
and now you got to go back to sitting in traffic i don't know how i think that
that's why the rolling
stones still tore after hearing steve gorman's story of their police escorts
to and from the arenas that they play i mean why would you ever go back to
civilian life
i mean you live on a planet with close to eight billion people and you never
sit in traffic
and you travel the world i mean that is fucking amazing
fucking amazing that's the way to do it so yeah i don't know why these first
ladies
some of them they just want to fucking busy up their goddamn day put your feet
up
you're in the white house anything you want you can literally look through your
record
collection and anybody who's still alive will come over to your house and play
for you
because they want to go over there
what do you want to do tonight i don't know i have a club sandwich maybe have
ac dc
play an acoustic set you know i have a couple of pints with brian and i'm going
to call in an evening
what are you doing trying to decide whether or not we're going to bomb this
country and go to war
sucks for you sweetheart you want a foot massage um that's how i do it
that is exactly the way old freckles that's how i play the white house
fucking tipping the the the i'll be hanging out with the fucking secret service
smoking sticks with them don't worry no way i won't tell nobody
it keeps me calm which keeps the president calm so this is part of your duty to
hang out here and
have a cigar on the back porch at the fucking white house
sure it's not that simple um anyway but as i mentioned i am having a great week
so i ended up
winning like 75 bucks i don't bet big okay my head might be big my head is big
my bets are small
so i um i won 75 bucks on that and uh you know so that's just out there right
it was through
versey's fucking context you know he's sicilian he knows a lot he knows a lot
of people um so anyways
the yankees were playing the red sox as i predicted as i predicted back in august
the red sox regardless of how bad they were playing they played nothing but the
dregs of
the league for the rest of the year except for a series against tampa and
against yankee the
yankees we got 