Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-25-21
Uploaded: 2021-10-25T19:30:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-25-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-25-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-25. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-25-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast.
For Monday, October 25th, 2021, what's going on? How are ya?
How's life in your world? How is it going with you?
It's going to be fucking raining like a motherfucker out here in Los Angeles
all day long.
It never rains in California during this time of year, but there's plastic
bottles in the ocean.
Yeah, we're having weird weather. Weird weather. I was at the gym the other day.
Beefcake! Beefcake!
And, you know, they got the weather on, right?
They usually have the news on. Not saying that weather isn't news, okay?
I'm not trying to make it seem like people are more important than Mother
Nature.
Isn't that typical? What? Is it because Mother Nature is a woman?
This fucking weatherman is basically describing the end of the world.
Big smile on his face. He's like, well, with climate change, we're going to
have what's known now as whiplash weather.
The droughts are going to be more severe.
The rainstorms are going to be more punishing.
And the lady's just like, okay, all right, great, you know, the fucking lady at
the desk, like, everything was fucking cool.
And at no point does he's like, hey, you know, maybe you don't need fucking 50
flat screens in your house.
You know, maybe you should stop Postmate and shit.
And, you know, so you can get your fucking burger and it comes in a plastic
container and then you throw it out.
You just had a fucking burger and then the plastic container is going to be in
the ocean for fucking 800,000 years.
Nope, can't do that.
We don't want to upset our listeners.
So, I don't know.
There's a few things.
I heard there's like some fucking grocery place out here that will bring you
your food and everything.
And it's all in like, I don't know, glass containers.
And then you return it like the old school days.
I want to say most of those companies that are doing that are younger people.
Thank God, you know, because they know that they're going to have to try to
fucking live a full life here.
And, you know, older people don't give a fuck.
I've been using plastic my whole life.
Why does he have to be Southern Bill?
All right.
Dude, I've been using fucking plastic my whole life.
Listen to how fucking raspy my goddamn voice is.
I smoked a cigar last night and I feel right back to being run down.
This fucking cold I can't shake because my kids keep giving it to each other.
And you know what I realized?
I mean, after this fucking podcast, I'm grabbing all my cigars, sticking them
in a bag, and I'm throwing them in the fucking trash.
I'm done with them.
Bill, say it ain't so.
It is so.
I'm done with them.
I'm not having them around my fucking house, you know, like I'm fucking W.C.
Fields or some shit.
All right.
From here on out, if I want a fucking cigar, I have to go out and go get one.
Go down to a goddamn cigar bar.
But I am not having these fucking things laying around like Cheez-Its, you know,
Oreo cookies or some shit that I'm just going to fucking devour.
I mean, I'd gone like nine days.
This is the weirdest cold ever.
Nine fucking days.
And one, I only had a nub.
I just had a little nub.
Not hurting anybody.
Fucking cigar the size of your thumb.
And I was wired.
I couldn't fucking go to sleep.
Fucking playing some stupid game on my phone till like 2.30 in the morning.
And this whole day, I'm not going to be worth that shit.
I mean, listen to this podcast.
It's fucking terrible.
No.
No, I'm done.
I'm done with these fucking things in my house.
That's it.
I have to do it now when I'm fucking done as opposed to, oh, look at them.
They're so beautiful.
And I know somebody's going like, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why,
why?
Why are you going to throw them out, Bill?
Why don't you give them to one of your friends?
You know why?
Because there's a million fucking cigars.
That's why.
All right.
There's a million fucking cigars.
You know?
And why would I give them to somebody else so they can fucking go through what
the hell
I'm going through?
Have them all in your goddamn house and shit.
Anyway, let's talk NFL football.
Fucking jets, man.
Jesus Christ.
They got the living shit kicked out of them by the New England Patriots winning
54 to 13.
Somebody explain to me when the jets are ever not going to be the jets.
Those poor goddamn fans.
I mean, I don't even know.
They're thinking, okay, Tom Brady's gone.
We got a shot here.
Mac Jones, he's, he's a rookie.
We can, we can fucking, you know, you can make this guy nervous, right?
Passing.
Let's see.
We got to, let's see what, let's see what Mac Jones did yesterday.
I'll be honest with you.
I saw about two seconds of this game.
307 yards, 24 for 36, 370 yards.
Two touchdowns.
They even put the backup in, in the end, I think.
Went three for four for 79 yards.
He almost got to triple digits.
Spread the ball around nice.
Not one 100 yard receiver.
Look at that.
He's fucking spreading it all over the goddamn field.
Tremendous.
Um, how about Jawad Bentley?
That guy's looking like a fucking all pro.
I don't know how the hell somebody let him go.
I think we picked him up as a free agent.
Guy's all over the goddamn field every time I've been watching.
Bill, why didn't you watch yesterday?
Because I have to do a whole rewrite of a script by Thursday.
120 pages.
You got to get it down to about 90.
Still have the story.
Makes sense.
So I've been fucking busting my ass on that.
Which is literally what I'll be doing, um, after, uh, after the podcast today.
Let's just go right into that shit.
But then it'll be done on Thursday.
You know, the clouds part a little bit.
You know, I did last night because of this fucking rain, right?
So as they say, it never rains in California.
Well, what happens is when it does rain, because the soil is so dry, that's why
we get like these mudslides and shit.
And, um, you know, they fucking block up your drain pipes and all that shit.
So yesterday, as the sun was going down, I heard about this fucking epic storm
that's supposed to be coming.
I was like, oh, fuck.
So I was up there cleaning out the gutters, um, digging up all, like, trying to
figure out each, each, yeah, I swear to God, each little drain thing had a
different cap.
And I had to figure out how to get the thing off, you know, only broke one of
them.
So I was cleaning the things out, right?
I got two screwdrivers, a couple of spoons, and a big fucking ladle-looking
thing from the kitchen, hoping my wife doesn't come out.
Like, you're using the stuff we eat with?
Uh, yeah, sorry.
Sorry, I don't have the fucking equipment I need, you know?
I had to go, I had to go with one of these plastic, one of those spoons that
got the holes in them, I want the plastic one.
It didn't fit down any of the drains, so that was all right.
But, uh, I got to tell you something, I'm just living out here, the reptilian
fucking, uh, presence.
It's pretty scary to stick your hand down one of those things, and I'm just
thinking, no spiders, no spiders, no spiders.
And I pull it out, and I see this spider go running by.
You know, those little bastards, too, man.
They'll give you a fucking welt.
They'll climb right up on you while you're sleeping.
The next day, you don't know what you got.
You go, what is, uh, what does it look like somebody put a fucking cigar out of
my arm, and it's a spider crawling up on you.
So, it's kind of unsettling.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Like, I was doing it at night, you know, and I could barely see, because I'm an
idiot.
Do it yourself, Dad.
So, I hope I did it enough.
I mean, the drain out in the front of our house literally had, like, little
fucking flowers starting to come out of it.
And I was just like, why do I always wait until the storm to look at these
fucking things?
So, we'll see what happens.
I'm already picturing my wife later on today.
Bill?
Bill, the water's coming up.
Oh, yeah?
You can't push a broom?
You can't make it go down the driveway?
It's one of those damsel in distress moments when the water's coming up.
Yeah, so last night, I'm sitting out on my porch, and I have just a little tiny,
the tiniest little fucking cigar, the size of my intellect, right?
And I'm just sitting out there, and I noticed when I went by my trash barrel,
that there was these weird paw prints, you know, on the, you know, near, like,
the trash barrel.
And I'm sitting there going, those don't look like cat paw prints.
What are those things?
Like, I think that's a fucking raccoon.
You know?
And I'm thinking, like, those things come down.
I got to get simply safe, because I want to do a reality show of the varmints
that come down near my trash can.
We got old possums.
Oh, jeez.
We got possums.
We got raccoons.
I got coyotes.
That's a canine.
It's not a varmint.
And then, you know, there's a couple of mountain lions out here, one or two, in
Los Angeles, and you're thinking, like, all right, well, I'm not up in the
hills.
I'm not going to see these fucking things.
But then, like, I saw this YouTube video of somebody, like, the thing, they
were on the second floor, and this thing was walking across from balcony to
balcony, like, right on the edge where you would look over, like a frigging
house cat.
So, last night, I'm sitting out there, smoking my cigar like an idiot, like an
idiot, stupid, you idiot.
And all of a sudden, I see the shadow of the biggest fucking cat I've ever seen
in my life, and I go, oh, my God, that's it.
It's the fucking mountain lion.
And then I look down, and it's some fucking house cat that just walked in front
of this light, and it threw a big shadow on the wall.
That's fucking, every time I go out to my garage at night, I think about that
mountain lion every fucking time.
So, anyway, yeah, so I'm sitting there, and I'm like, all right, it's just a
house cat, it's just a house cat, right?
And I'm sitting there smoking my cigar, and Nia was out there, right?
We were just fucking talking, right, checking in with each other, because that's,
like, something that can happen.
You know, I notice once you get married and you have, like, two kids, like, if
you don't check in with each other after 10 days, it's, you're going to become,
like, strangers.
It gets fucking, it can get scary really quickly.
Like, I really see how people, how it all falls apart.
It's so fucking, it can happen so fast.
And then I got that thing, like, if I'm not connecting with somebody, I just go,
you know, remember Revis Island, speaking of the Jets?
I go to Billy Island, right, Bieland, Bill Bieland.
I just go out on my little fucking thing, my little loner, I'm out here by
myself, nobody can hurt me, all the fucking shit I did before I became a
comedian.
I go right out into that fucking thing, and I just become, like, a self-sustained
unit.
And then I start passing my wife in the halls, like, I'm, like, at fucking Ikea
or something.
So, like, what are we doing, what are we, we gotta have fucking lunch every
week, that's what we gotta do, reconnect, you know, we gotta get it going.
So, um, we ended up hanging out, laughing, having a great time, and I was like,
ah, it's good, we're connecting again.
I fucking love her, this is awesome.
And then all of a sudden, we just hear this thing growling, like a little
fucking roar.
Not a big one, but enough to make the fucking, if you had hair on your head,
which I don't, stand up, make the stubble.
Stand up, right?
Next time, I'm gonna, I wish I recorded that fucking growl.
Next time I shaved my head, I would play it.
I'd get the closest shave ever.
And, uh, I think it was a fucking raccoon.
And I wasn't sure if it was upset that we were out there,
because it was fucking with its ability to come down and check out, you know,
if we threw out anything yummy in the trash,
or if it was, you know, dealing with its territory.
It saw something else.
I have no idea what it was.
You know, I don't think possums make that.
Let me, let me, let me fucking look this shit up.
I gotta find out what that was.
Oh, fucking, uh, 