Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-21
Uploaded: 2021-11-18T22:04:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-18. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-21

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in on you because you're special, even though you haven't
done shit today.
What's going on? How are you? How are you hanging in there?
I'm fucking hanging in there. I got my last road date. God damn it.
I was in St. Louis, Denver, Minneapolis, Reno, San Jose, Atlanta, Long Beach,
fucking somewhere else.
I know I missed something, Detroit, Milwaukee, and now I'm in Vegas.
Then this fucking run is done. It's over.
I get to chill out, come back, and enjoy Thanksgiving week.
I'm very, very thankful to be doing that.
I will be doing some press during the week because, you know, show business
never sleeps.
F is for family.
Season five is coming out.
I think I know the date. Is it November?
I thought it was the day after Thanksgiving.
Or is it on Thanksgiving?
I don't know.
It's coming out this week.
The last one.
We wrap it up, people.
We wrap it up with the Murphy family.
F is for family.
Season five.
What do we got here?
F is for family.
Season five.
F is for family.
Season five.
Why won't you just say when it's coming out?
Season five.
Jesus Christ.
Date.
November 25th.
Bam.
Bam.
Bam.
The fifth and final one.
Very proud of this series.
And I was psyched that they let us know that this was the last season so we
could, you know,
we thought we were going to do another season.
We would have ended it with some sort of cliffhanger, but instead we got to
wrap it up.
So it'll be very satisfying, hopefully, with the fans.
And if it isn't, then we will wear the torch is over.
I love people when they get mad at a season finale, like a series finale.
Well, that wasn't satisfying at all.
Like, how much is it really the show?
Like, was the series finale not satisfying?
You know, to that level?
Or is it really that your life isn't that satisfying?
And now that this show is over, you don't have a new show to distract you from
the things
that you need.
You know you need to take care of and you're not taking care of them.
And all of a sudden, you're just not looking at the TV and you're just looking
around the room.
Ah, you're looking at your life.
TV turns off and you catch a reflection on the flat screen.
Is that me?
Is that me?
What the fuck happened to me?
Right?
Like in one of those crazy movies that that fucking guy makes there.
The Mulholland Drive guy.
Did I tell you I watched Eraserhead?
I finally saw that thing, man.
David Sumter, I just can't imagine if you hit that guy like telling his parents,
what the
fuck is this thing here?
I literally slid the finger, you know, on my little thing here on my laptop.
And all of a sudden, this thing fucking comes up, says, what can I help you
with?
Well, you can first of all, you can introduce yourself.
Who the fuck are you?
And it starts, everything I'm saying, it's like voice texting.
Like writing across the screen.
It's goddamn things.
What did I say, Eraserhead?
Eraserhead.
The original.
Directed by David Lynch.
Jesus Christ.
I bet after Eraserhead, when they, hey, you want to go see, I made another
movie, you want
to come down?
Ah, you know what?
I just realized I had something to do.
I just want to know what we did wrong.
Do you make these movies because of us?
Was it something we did?
Were you born this way?
Can you just let us know what it is, David?
Yeah, anyway.
So yeah, season five, F is for family, wrapping it up.
You know, thanks to GoMont, Netflix, Mike Price, and everybody who made it
happen.
What a ride.
Vince Vaughn.
Beat a Billingslake.
Victoria Vonnegut.
List a million people.
All right.
Mo Collins.
Forgot to give her a shout out last week.
There's a million people that worked on the show.
So thank you to everyone.
And I hope you guys, I hope you enjoy it.
I hope you enjoy it.
And then my life, I think, I want to say is going to slow down a little bit
because I've
been on the road.
And I'll tell you something.
Going on the road, going to the airport, walking by the Cinnabons and the
fucking, all the goddamn,
the fuck was that noise?
I swear to God, everybody on my fucking block is redoing their goddamn house.
It's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable.
If I'm not hearing the sound of a fucking leaf blower, somebody's got a jackhammer,
I'm going nuts.
You know, I'm a comedian.
I try to take my old man nap during the day.
I got young kids, right?
My son goes down for his nap.
My daughter, you know, she's at school.
I fucking, I try to take a nap.
I just, you know, I'm a light sleeper.
I'm not a relaxed guy.
I don't know if you guys know that.
I was always envious of those people.
They could just like fucking sleep in a train station.
Like you ever see somebody and you're like, is that person homeless?
Or are they one of those people that can just sleep anywhere?
You know, you know, those people, you get on a plane and before people even
done boarding,
they're already asleep.
You know, like a dog, you know, dogs do that.
The second that I don't have to chase anything, they're not worried about intruders.
They're just, their eyes get heavy and their body just shuts down and they go
to sleep.
And I never understood that until I started getting acting work.
And they'd be like, all right, you have a little break.
Just go back to your trailer for a second.
You'd be like, all right.
And you'd sit in your trailer and for like three minutes and all of a sudden
you're like,
oh my, I could sleep for fucking eight hours right now.
I think your body just, that goes back to like caveman days.
Where like at any second, you know, some predator could just come into the cave
and you had to run for your fucking life.
So if the coast was clear, your body's like, all right, well, if we're not
going to be, there's no reason for us to up like a laptop.
We're going to power down now and save the battery life because God forbid, God
forbid.
I was always amazed at people that could do shit like that.
I never could do that shit.
I'm a fucking, I'm a light sleeper.
You know, anything happens, I fucking, my eyes open up and then I'm walking
downstairs with that, my little mini fucking, whatever I, you know, golf club,
a fucking bat, whatever I have underneath there.
I have a blood object I can fucking find, you know, oh God.
Is there anything worse than having a fight in your underwear?
Never had it done.
I've never had to do that, but I would just think that that's, you just got to
feel so exposed.
That's another reason why the fucking UFC and professional fighters are so
tough is they fight in their underwear.
You know, just walking.
I mean, the boxers don't, they come in with their shorts on, you know, those
hooker boots, right?
But like the fucking UFC people, they come in there like barefoot.
They literally look like, you know what's amazing?
If you ever broke into a fucking UFC fighter's fucking house at night.
I mean, they're just ready to go.
I mean, not only do they have the training, they're dressed the same way they
do when they go into the fucking octagon.
I mean, just how fucked you are.
Man, they must sleep great.
Provided they didn't have a fight that night, you know what I mean?
Or that week or whatever, however long it takes them to recover.
You know, if you got a black belt in something, you know, but then again, you
are going to sleep.
And if you do combat all the time, there's people always attacking you.
Maybe you become nervous to sleep.
I don't know how it works.
I don't know if you know this about me, guys.
I was never in the professional fight game.
I know that surprises you.
I know that's something where you're kind of like, well, hey, Bill, you know,
the way you, you know, describe fat people at airports,
I would have thought you had some sort of martial arts background.
Well, surprisingly not, you know.
I'm full of surprises, people.
It's not the case.
So I've been on the road and hit the elliptical and doing all of that shit,
but I'm sort of on a holding pattern trying to lose weight.
I mean, you just can't fucking lose weight if you go on the road.
You can maintain.
You can maintain.
That's the best I've been able to do.
And then I tweaked my fucking shoulder.
Once again, I didn't fuck it up again.
I just tweaked it.
So I just had somebody work it out for me.
Hey, work it out.
Okay, baby.
All right.
I get all fucking frustrated with it and shit.
So, I don't know.
So back to the drawing board.
So now I have to lower the weight that I'm using,
and it's just like, I don't know.
I have a couple of dumb bets out there that I think I'm going to lose.
Okay.
I have a bet with Paul Verzi that when I turn 70,
I'm going to be able to do 10 fucking pull-ups.
I mean, he could have won that bet if I said I'd be able to do it at 50.
And I made the bet when I was like 47.
And the second I made that bet, I don't know what happened.
My shoulders just went on me.
So trying to work my way back.
And then I have another bet.
I have a bet that at some point,
Kyler Murray is going to have a weight issue.
Something about his face.
I don't know what it is.
I just think it's going to be a moment when,
in the next five years, where they're going to say,
you know, he put on some weight during the offseason.
He could have been in better shape.
I don't know why.
I just need him to, if he wins MVP or a couple of playoff games,
I don't know what it is.
I'm just, I look at his face and he just,
I see it in there.
I actually made a bet with somebody about that.
Those are my two dumb bets.
You got any dumb bets out there?
You know, what's the dumbest thing you ever gambled on?
You know, I made money on Verzi.
We went to the Masters in 2010 and we were gambling on the turtles.
We were on like, I don't forget what hole we were on.
It's the one that has the water right in front of the hole.
No, really, Bill?
It's probably most of them.
It's after Amen Corner.
And there's a par three right after it, perpendicular to it.
I used to know what hole it was.
15 or something like that.
And then I think that the par three was a, was a 16, I think.
I don't know what, but we were sitting there just waiting for him to come
through.
And, um, there were turtles sitting on rocks that we were gambling on which
turtle would
go on in the water next, which was really easy.
It's like the one with the driest shell.
And, uh, you know, Paul wasn't, you know, he wasn't good at it.
He's Italian.
You know, they, they like stuff that's shiny.
They gravitate towards that.
Everything's got to be fucking right.
You know, furniture, the rug, the carpet, white leather, you know, pristine.
You know, so I think he saw that shine on the, on, on the, I wish he was here
to hear this.
He saw the shell and it was like, it was glittering like the chain around his
neck and he just
couldn't lay off.
And I actually, I actually made some money.
I really have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about right now.
Um, oh, another thing.
I watched the rough cut of my potential special from Red Rocks.
Um, oh my God.
If you want to fucking hate yourself, watch yourself for a good hour and a half,
uh, on
a rough cut that isn't, uh, color corrected in the side, isn't mixed or
anything.
It sounds like you're bombing.
They have the crowd super low and, um, oh my God.
I walked out of there.
I was like, I don't know if I've ever been funny in my life.
And everybody's like, no, dude, it's great.
It's great.
I'm telling you, it's great.
We're going to mix it.
Everything's a little fucking great.
That's what everything is.
I remember talking to this guy that first time he ever made a movie.
I was a movie.
I was a fan of it.
I met this director and he goes, you know, what's funny about that?
That was my first movie.
And when I looked at the, the initial rough cut, he goes, I thought I had
ruined my life
because he, oh, he's making an independent movie after having done some studio
things.
And he was so like distraught that he got off the subway and left the cut of
the movie on
the train.
I ne