Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-21
Uploaded: 2021-12-09T19:23:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-21' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-09. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-9-21

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you just checking in to see
how you're doing
do i sound a little excited do i sound like a man who said something that was
gonna happen and then
it did i got powers man i say and it happens man if you don't believe me go
back and listen
to my podcast last week what the did i say what did i say i said it's beginning
to look a lot like 2001
who is this mac jones and our coach is billy b and he's working on the d and
all the colts fans are
gonna cry i called it i said bill belichick was gonna go out there to buffalo
and he was gonna
coach a masterpiece which he did okay beethoven couldn't write a game plan like
that you know
why because he's a musician other than that other than that that man i
guarantee you had a had a
a decent weather game plan that would have beat the buffalo bills that night
and all of a sudden there
were 50 mile per hour winds and these four poor kickers are going out they see
that barstool sports
video guys trying to kick like a 35 yarder it's up it's good blown away started
hovering like a heliocopter
there bill belichick is a genius the man is a genius and i know there's there's
the
fucking cunts out there right going like go jones only threw the ball three
times that's the only
amount of times he had to throw it all right josh allen was throwing the ball
all over the field
it's almost like he didn't want the ball in his hands i think he was a little
scared
um i'm with you it was a great game you know i love the light show that they
put on on niagara falls
buffalo you know doing it up smashing tables lighting up water
you know eating spaghettios out of a can i mean how much more down to earth do
you guys got to be
it's so hard to hate buffalo bill fans unless you're amongst them wearing a
patriots hat then yeah
then it's kind of easy to kind of wish their whole suv went right over the fall
right over it landed nose first on the rocks and you guys just sit there
breathing your last bit of air inverted as you sink down
inside we'll we'll give you in that thing we'll give you a ford explorer
yeah man we just ran the ball and ran the ball and ran the ball and that was it
that was it and our offensive line was better than that d line for that night
and now we're up two games
to zip not two games no we're up two games on them so who knows who knows we
could
shit the bed next week you don't know i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna go verzi
on you right now
and start high stepping during the regular season like my good buddy does there
all right
i actually thought that the bad weather was gonna be a disadvantage for us for
some reason i just felt
like you know i thought belichick was going to come up with this game plan mac
jones was going to
be ridiculously accurate the way he has been all year but for some reason it's
not getting credit
specifically from buffalo bills fans you know hey we're not scared tom brady's
not coming off that
bus yeah well bill belichick was and he came off that bus and he ate your
fucking wings
and he took your hearts and he went home and that's it all right fred smurlus
wasn't there to save your
ass neither was bruce armstrong or jim kelly all right buffalo's e street band
no i'm with you um anything can happen we got to play them again i'm just psyched
that i i just knew
we were gonna win that game i mean did you put any money up bill yeah i bet a
little bit i took the
pats in the under how do you like that how do you like how do you like them
apples is that what we're
supposed to say there in boston ever since goodwill hunting came out how do you
like them apples
there's no apples left just an empty barrel and all your hopes and dreams get
in that barrel and go
right over the falls into who owns who owns niagara falls buffalo and like what
hamilton ontario
is it a sovereign state is it part of ottawa does the family that makes crown
royal do they own part
of it i have no fucking idea um anyway um it was a great game from what i saw
of it i was going in
out i had the kids at night you know and it's just a major battle major battle
when i'm shutting off a
kids show to watch what's known in my house is daddy tv you know then i have to
be like watching
the game while entertaining them so i gotta play like how many times you think
he can run around
the couch before i catch you you know so i gotta do that so i get some cardio
in i get some cardio
when i gotta tell you something you know don't billy eggnog tits as you guys
have been calling me
they come it's coming down it's coming down um all right guys well remember i
was telling you there
was those fucking cats uh if you're a member of uh i don't know if you're an
animal lover you might
not want to listen to this especially during the holidays everybody's like oh jesus
what happened
to the cats well there was these two adorable kittens that were just living
outside
and they weren't they were sort of like you know eight year old kid cats they
were like that size
they weren't kittens they were like big they were out you know they were on
their own
okay and uh they were hanging around and then they disappeared and then they
came back and they were
over here for like three days and we were trying to get them into like a cage
or whatever these
things were just you couldn't get anywhere near them they hissed they growled i
mean these things
were like little bobcats right feral i believe they call them so they left and
i had heard a noise and
i was thinking the worst you know coyote got him or a raccoon or some and uh
you're giving up hope
you know two weeks had gone by
hadn't seen him two and a half weeks or something like that and the other day i
was making breakfast
and all of a sudden i hear my wife go oh my god she goes bill bill bill look
look they're back they're
back and they were right at the back door cute as ever doing all that we're
like holy right so
fucking you know gave him some salmon some anchovies right they're not too into
the anchovies but you
know fed them and and i'm trying to coax them you know trying to get to know
them
and they're just like you know not afraid of me but not letting me come you
know near enough to
to i don't know pet them or whatever and gain their trust so anyway um
whatever so now they're back in our lives all right so i drive my daughter to
school
and i'm on my way up i'm gonna go fly a helicopter right gonna solo it
so i keep the confidence up i know what the fuck i'm doing and as i go up there
all of a sudden
my wife texts me she says call me so i call her and i pick up the phone and she
is sobbing
absolutely sobbing and i said what's the matter what's the matter she said one
of the cats got hit
by a car and is dead she goes it's laying in the road all mushed up it's
disgusting we got the there's
people doing some work on the house i had him shovel it up so our daughter won't
see it
she was absolutely sobbing she just goes it's just so i just can't believe
something could be there
and then a second later it's just gone it's just dead and i'm on my way to solo
a helicopter
he's just like hey i hope i didn't mess up your day so um i was she was bummed
out i was ridiculously
bummed we both were so fucking sad because um even the little interaction we
fell in love with those
little fucking cats right so anyway i go out i fly around you know go up to
like magic mountain
having a good time up there come back land and everything and uh end up coming
back so now it's
like well now we gotta save the other one gotta make sure we get somehow so
just so happen we had
a friend over that's a cat person she had a cage um i don't know what the fuck
i was doing probably
doing a podcast i don't know what i get a text message from my wife saying that
her friend caught
the cat it's in the cage she knows where to take it so i'm like great i don't
know no i didn't know
that yet she goes so now the cat is in a cage in my house and i'm like jesus
christ my wife is
allergic my daughter's gonna fall in love with the cat and then what the fuck's
gonna happen
all right somebody's gonna end up crying or somebody's gonna end up sneezing
so i'm like oh boy so i end up getting in the house turns out a friend knows
what to do
so i start to bring the cat out you know in the cage or whatever and it's sort
of you know getting a
little fucking antsy or whatever and then when i get outside it starts freaking
the fuck out i mean
all over the cage jumping up coming up i gotta like set it down so it doesn't
claw my fingers
i know this thing doesn't have it shot so i started dragging the cage and the
bottom plastic thing
moved i didn't realize it so my friend had like these gloves and she goes all
right let me just pick
it up with the gloves she picked it up and it was just a little bit of a hole
and that fucking thing
took off and i was just like all right that's it forget it it's over all right
we lost that cat to
the streets that that fucking thing is like this thing turned into a fucking
bobcat the second we
got out it was scared it didn't trust us we put it in a cat i don't think we'll
ever see the thing again
because as much as it was getting free salmon you know it also got put into it
it's you know cat
guantanamo so we haven't seen the thing since but i can guarantee you this that
thing is not going
to have a fucking problem other than cars surviving neither one of them did and
that's what i was
thinking i didn't see them i saw one and then then all of a sudden three weeks
later i saw two then
we didn't see them for three weeks and then they came back and they never
looked hungry so they were
killing something out there and i'm sure there was other people feeding them in
the fucking neighborhood
but uh i don't have any worries about that cat anymore that fucking thing uh i
don't know what
that thing it it has earned its stripes jesus christ i can't even tell you how
much that thing
fucking wigged out when i brought that thing out of the goddamn house i was
like easy buddy easy okay
easy kid easy kid this thing like flam flam flam jumping up you know hissing at
me doing all of this
shit like i will murder you freckles if you don't get me out of this cage right
now and um
i don't know once a cat is feral can you like make the thing like a like a
regular cat
you know something just you know chilling out sitting on your head as you watch
colombo
i don't know i don't know what the deal is with that thing but uh i feel
horrible it was the
fucking worst goddamn day when the other one got squashed out in the fucking
road um
and then i thought for half a second i was like oh my god did i do it
because it happened so i like looked under my car i made sure i didn't have any
blood on my tires or
anything on it there so i had nothing um but there you go so that's the end of
it and now
if the cat comes back i'm not feeding it because that thing is fucking that
thing i i respect that
thing now it's just i mean i loved it before i was like oh you need my help you
don't need my help
it's got four freddy krueger hands and it is ready to use them plus its mouth
and it growls this thing's
like all right and you know what's funny is there's going to be a cat person
out there going you know
what you should have done you know what you go fucking do it okay because i don't
know what i
should do and it's not my job to be a fucking expert and everything all i know
is i did what i
thought i should do and i almost got clawed up by this thing so you know if you
want to feel bad for
something feel bad for the birds in this neighborhood because that thing is
good it's kind of going there's
going to be some bird cops like with little tacks and yarn trying to figure out
the kill zone that they
need to stay out of with that thing around uh much respect all right so i'm
doing this podcast tuesday
night not not necessarily because i want to gloat about the patriots victor