Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-22
Uploaded: 2022-01-07T02:07:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-07. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-22

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking to see
how you doing
i hope you're doing great how about that there's something nice i don't care
what color tie you're
wearing oh wait a minute happy insurrection anniversary day aka the keg party
gone wrong
jesus christ man they're fucking putting the screws to those people people
getting four years five years
you know i don't know what do you you know i gotta be honest with you if you're
gonna keep your own
people that's stupid you can't get upset that every once in a while they're
gonna storm the castle
all right i think we should have taken as americans we should have taken a long
hard look
at the stupidity that had gathered and all agreed with one another and realized
that we really need
to put more funds into public schools or whatever we need people to have you
know they need to be more
learned you know i'm saying dude um yeah that was just a sea of idiots and um
regardless of political
beliefs before people think that this is going to be some oh billy fucking blue
bra hollywood lefty
leaning thing i don't like the extreme left either oh look at you bill oh you
one of those guys who says
he's right down the middle i am right up your fucking ass right down the middle
that's what if i was the judge i just want to talk to you know some of those
people they got all the
way in there that was a funny thing they didn't think they were going to get
that far and then they
got they got all the way in there they're sitting at the desk of the people
that they didn't like that
they wanted to talk to they didn't know what to do that was like the joker i'm
a dog chasing a car i
wouldn't know what to do if i caught it that's what happened to them then they
sat at the desk they're
like uh america
just started tipping over stuff and smearing shit on the wall they literally
acted like a bunch of
animals that got out of a fucking zoo
man that would be the shit to be the judge on one of those i'd act like i was
presiding and doing all
that but really i'd be trying to get all kinds of inside scoop you know i'd
just be like hey for real
like like what what were you thinking
like how far did you like how far ahead were you think were you just like
in a zone
like a dumb person's own right foot and now left foot and right foot keep
walking towards that thing that i'm mad at
you know i don't know all i can say is thank god they were you know for the
most part they were all white people so
they won't be in jail long
um
anyway
you know i don't want to sit there and trash them the whole time but i got to
say they
they fucking got real close
they got real close they just picked the wrong century
if they got that far in the 17 or 1800s well 1700s it wouldn't have been there
i don't know how we built the capital the 1800s if they got that far they would
have been running
shit for at least the afternoon a couple of days before people showed up with
fucking muskets and
stuff but that's back then when you could fight people off it was a lot easier
back then to overthrow
a government you know what i mean all you needed was a couple of your deer
hunting friends
and a good plan a little ted offensive redneck style you could get right in
there you could do it
can't do that anymore the technology is too good which is why i always crack up
when i hear
gun people say hey they want their guns
you know come and get them it's just like all right well you know
we don't want to kill you but you know we have the technology to have a nerd
who can't even do a pull-up three states away
fly a drone over to your house and vaporize you while you're eating frito dip
before you even know you're under attack i mean we could do that if we chose
um
there's one upside to all of this you know if those people actually succeeded
if you could block out the confederate flag on the money that guy with the
buffalo head would
look pretty good you know right down the middle i mean if i was like a tourist
they'd be like hey man you
know this country seems our reason people get after it um
i wonder how many chicks that guy met shirtless you know buffalo head american
flag
you know to a lot of women that guy was a hero
you know maybe not women that you know whether you choose to associate with
or maybe you know maybe you do maybe you took a picture with one of them
and eight people on twitter got upset and then all of a sudden apologies had to
be issued what
in the are we doing by the way with all of this crap i just don't understand
any of it
i will i owe you an apology because you don't like my friend
it's it's fucking seventh grade bill i think you're over simplifying the issue
am i well that's what
my brain does it overly simplifies things so i don't get overwhelmed do you
ever think about that
maybe i need to dumb things down in my mind
so i could get my head around it um anyway i am actually uh taking the from
today for the rest of
the weekend off i ain't doing shit i've been working my ass off right through
the friggin holidays and i
have a little four-day window oh bill what are you gonna do oh i'll tell you
what i'm gonna do
let me get a little fire pit going i'm gonna watch the bruins and watch the bruins
in like two months
i know we're doing all right we got a three-game winning streak
playing 600 ball here we got the minnesota wild
um terrible name beautiful third jersey great arena incredible fans they were
the north stars
they should have been able to keep that name the way the cleveland brown fans
at least kept
the name the cleveland browns the dallas stars i guess it kind of makes sense
cowboys have a star
right dallas star the lone star state you know people in dallas are like
country western famous is how
they carry themselves you know you ever see a cowboy with botox that's dallas
if you ever wonder what the cast of bonanza would look like with frozen face
that is dallas texas
it isn't but it's a funny image dallas is actually might be my favorite city in
texas i used to hate
houston and i think it was because i always went there in the summertime and it
was just
fucking like melt the bottom of your shoes hot
um in fact i remember i went to a game at the astrodome one of the last years
they had it um
i just remember walking across that parking lot and i could feel like
the bottom of my feet was so hot it was just oh it was a brutal day
brutal day and i was walking in the dome like this place better have ac because
they were about ready to
tear it down you know that is you're gonna tear something down if the air
conditioning starts
leaking you're not gonna fix it but uh i went in there and um had a great time
a lot of interesting
trivia who hit the first home run at the houston astrodome mickey mantle late
in his career to me
that kind of signaled like uh a transition to eras it had to have been to see
mickey mantle play in
that place after playing in uh original yankee stadium the not the house that
ruth built the
house that they built for babe ruth um with a two-foot right field uh fence
i have to find that picture that original fence if you backed up to catch a fly
ball it would have
hit you right behind your knees and you would have fell into the front row um
but that's when fans used
to behave themselves did they i don't even know i don't know what they did back
then it did all
depends on like who you talk to and some of the that you read about like that's
pain although people
were better back then it's like okay but i also saw that movie gangs in new york
you know which then you know out of that came more organized crime
and that whole error i don't know
it all the you know what it is it all depends on what part of the world you're
looking into
you appear into when you go in the back you go back in into the past to say
which is you know
it was a simpler time no your life was simpler you know like to me the good old
days is the 70s and 80s
but anyone who was an adult those were not good times crack 80s cocaine the big
lie right
fucking uh what is it uh the 70s who the is oh it's my wife jesus christ that
just scared the
out of me had the window open i saw somebody walk by out of my peripheral
that's that's that's the that's the length of my self-defense who the is that i'm
a serial killer
oh nice to meet you end of my life hope i didn't hurt your ears with that sound
effect sorry i never
claim to be michael winslow i can't do the sound of a chainsaw um anyway yeah i'm
taking a little
fucking couple of days off gonna enjoy myself here you know uh and i'm doing
that a couple times this
year so i don't get uh suicidal not really suicidal but you know that you just
think of that you just
start thinking of death as a release like it's got to be amazing to die if you
have all of this work
in front of you and just crushing debt you know when you're laying there and
the dopamine's kicking in
i i would think that like it's like the the dopamine kicking in combined with
no more debt
or fucking stress at work is like doing like a speedball that's the emotional
heroin and cocaine what am i talking about stop glamorizing
um i'm not i'm talking about mental health issues people that's what i'm
discussing um
you know i didn't speaking of that i didn't see what that guy antonio brown i
didn't see
what his statement was but uh yeah that looked like a manic episode
unreal man people need help
we used to did we used to help him i don't know what the we did all i know is
we just sort
of let all people out on the street they used to have uh i don't know maybe
they have them did it
all get privatized you know this is what i do i bring up big topics and then i
don't have any
information then i ask you guys questions like you can answer me that's how i
do it that is how i do it
so i'm chilling out here i'm gonna sleep for four days and not do anything i'm
gonna watch a
little bit of hockey that i'm gonna get going again that's how it is all right
who do you guys like
monday night by the way
oh today it's the alabama crimson tide against the georgia bulldogs
you know i don't know who to root for on a football level i have to root for georgia
just
because alabama has won so much but then as i was saying before people in georgia
they look down on
alabama like they're not the same kind of stupid you know it's like when i
moved to new york and i'd
hear all these new yorkers shitting on new jersey it's like you guys are all
drinking out of the same
fucking tap water no dude no i'm telling you it's different it's different it
isn't
it isn't all right they just didn't write enough good songs about new jersey
all the good songwriters in new jersey moved to new york and then blew new york
i wanna wake up
in a city that doesn't sleep babadoo bada b and find you know there's not a lot
to write about in new jersey
you know why because it's it's relaxing new jersey it has a lot of beautiful
parts to it
you go into new york and everybody's at each other's throats you know
trying to get a bigger apartment trying to angle in on something trying to outbid
somebody
going down there with that if anybody could ever explain to me what what wall
street is
that's like the track for rich people
except it's it's got to be rigged because rich people don't like losing money
i remember when i was a kid and i used to watch that stock market
ticketing thing going by with ticker tape whatever the fuck you call it the
stock ticker
whatever the hell the thing's called i remember thinking like you know someday
i would like to
actually have a legitimate reaction to that thing then i'll know that i
actually have money
and i'm doing well in life like i really believed that for a while
you know and here i am 53 fucking years old i still look at i don't even know
what it means
i know what it is it's it's the different stocks and whether they're up or down
but i've never seen
anybody looking at it other than a