Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-22
Uploaded: 2022-01-27T20:42:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-27. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-22

hey what's going on it's bill bird it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in to
see how your week
is going how's it going with you what do you say what do you do
i'm having a good week the old covid fucking bug fucking finally got me ah jesus
the masked up
they finally took you down yeah um somebody some kid at school got it gave it
to kids and my kid
brought it home i mean what was i supposed to am i supposed to fucking walk
around my house you know
walking in a hazmat suit and i gotta tell you you know i feel i feel great
this this omicron i guess isn't that bad thank god i didn't get the other shit
the other shit where people like fucking face down with swords on their faces
or whatever the
fuck was going on um so i'm sitting there going like all right so i guess what
they're saying is a
vaccine is working on some level because i'm not really sick i got a little
scratchiness that's it
it's not really a vaccine as much as it's like a shot it's like the flu shot
right that's another
thing too is then i started looking up all of this stuff because i haven't paid
attention to anything
i was just like on the news they're like wear a mask stay six feet away from
people and i was like
perfect i've been doing that my whole life minus the mask i don't like people
quarantining got it
i am the man for that job so i almost went two fucking years i had a nice run
um yeah so i got to give a
shout out to doctors because i think it it's not as bad because i know some
people got it they're all
fucked up and uh i feel great i mean i'm still smoking cigars and playing drums
to be honest with you
um and now i have an excuse to not fucking go to work
this reminds me when i got hit by a car when i was a kid i remember it happened
on a wednesday
and the doctor goes yeah you shouldn't go to school for the rest of the week
and it was so
fucking awesome because i didn't i had a four-day weekend and i didn't have to
fucking uh i didn't
have to fake sick it was great i told you that story before the only thing that
sucked was the car
hit me right on the side of my head surprise surprise old dumb dumb billy um if
you put your
your fingers on this on the side of your head and bite down on your uh your
lower back teeth you feel
that thing going in and out feel that whatever the fuck that is that was the
only thing because i got
hit right there and it hurt to eat so i remember i was eating raisin bran with
a really little spoon
other than that i was hanging out i was watching the prices right
so anyway um all my unvaxxed friends are going to go take the ivermectin so i
looked this shit up
and you know it's fucking hilarious on the uh what the fuck is it the uh
who the fuck are they caa what's the name of the people that fdc fcc the fda or
whatever
when you look up ivermectin they have a picture of a woman in scrubs walking a
horse because they
keep saying that it's for horses and then i just looked up where can you buy it
and it says cvs and
walgreens i mean what the f i mean there is just so much fucking misinformation
out there i just i
don't know am i gonna pay attention you know i can't remember ever going into a
cvs and seeing a
horsey fucking walking up and down the aisle you know where the ivermectin is
um
but anyway
aside from the scratchy throat and the occasional cough i feel fucking fine
everybody's doing fine so uh it is what it is i guess uh one of those i don't
want to start saying
the people's names in this story you know fauci i guess they were saying that
everyone was going
to get the omicron so um whatever i fought a brave battle man i fought a brave
fucking battle
um so here i sit um but now i don't know who to believe about i still think
what i did was right
i think what everybody's doing is right who gives a i think we're all going to
meet in
the middle this thing will gradually die out right isn't that what's going to
happen
i don't know i will tell you when this whole thing goes away i will miss the
masks
that's literally how anti-social i am i love it you put a hat on sunglasses and
a mask i mean
you're ready to go rob a bank i'm surprised more banks haven't been robbed isn't
that amazing i mean
i would put an idea in somebody's head but you can literally walk into a bank
dress like a bank robber
and they just think you're being responsible and then all you got to do is you
just slide the i love
how you can rob a bank with a note and just hey man give me the money or you're
not going to like what i do
next i would love to write back well would you like to give me an example can
you brandish a weapon or
something what do you got halitosis what what what am i dealing with here on
the other side of this
bulletproof glass it'd be funny you know if you just if you were like if you
had like a gambling
problem you worked at a bank like that philip seymour hoffman movie that i
could not get through i've i
have still have to finish that movie it was so gut-wrenching to watch this guy
fucking his life up
um if you uh
if you if you would like like a gambler right if you're a gambler and you
fucking uh
you're working the the bank right you're a teller jesus christ bill
you're a bank teller right and the guy comes up and he's he passes the letter
you know hey give me
all the money or uh you know something bad's gonna happen you kind of look at
him you know like world
series of poker like here comes the river right you decide to call his bluff
you know and you just write back and you just say motherfucker what i got on
the other side of this
glass is gonna kill you and your whole fucking family just i don't know some
sort of gangster
you slide it back oh so so why don't your best motherfucker your best move
right now
is to take this piece of paper and walk out of this bank and go panhandle for a
sandwich
because if you don't you're gonna spend the rest of your life trying not to
take a dick in the ass
believe that sincerely teller number 764 and just slide it back or if you just
went give me all
your money just wrote back you slid it back to him and just stared at him
uh what if they had suicidal people as tellers like the amount of money that
banks could
fucking could save you know what i mean because they would just be like i don't
give a fuck do
whatever you want oh no you're supposed to be all afraid and then uh give me
the money and then i
it's like buddy listen i know you're not armed because armed robbery if you get
caught
is a much stiffer sentence coming here like a pen pal
hey is there any like bitcoin banks can you go and rob those let me see let me
look that up
let's add to the ignorance of my fucking search my internet searches here by
the way i already
talked about this on the anything better podcast because when i was doing the
monday
morning podcast that chiefs bills game was still going was that that was the
most atrocious defense
i have seen it was an unbelievable excitement watching the offense but
afterwards i was thinking
like like that was horrible i wonder what ray lewis thought if he was watching
that game with jack
lambert they're probably thinking like what the has happened to this game these
these two teams are
playing to go to the afc championship game this is what the it is you know what
the precursor to that
that the foreshadowed you know all these rule changes and because i think the nfl
is trying to
keep up with the nba because all they do is shoot three pointers was the the
the patriots eagles super
bowl well the eagles won the super bowl while letting up five over 500 yards
passing
you let up over 500 yards passing yeah we didn't even notice that didn't even
hurt us
unreal all right bitcoin bank robbed rob robbery don't know nothing about no
robbery don't know none
the great bitcoin bank robbery oh hacking bitcoin oh god it's gonna get me on
some sort of watch list here
oh look it's got a b on it for bitcoin what is it made out of by the way is
that any sort of
precious metal or is it just supposed to look like gold i love this whole
bitcoin hey our ponzi
scheme is better than the ponzi scheme that you're currently in uh sean everett
wasn't sure how his
bullish bet on cryptocurrency would turn out but he definitely didn't expect it
to be over
so soon in march he sold all his stocks including apple and amazon and used a
chunk of the proceeds
to buy bitcoin and ethereum on a site called coinbase the decision made everett
the ceo of
artificial intelligence startup prom almost instantly richer as the blockbuster
chain jesus christ
this is why i'm not into money what happened i'm not reading all this jesus
christ
you know someday when i get old i'm gonna write a history book after i talk to
people when they tell
me what happened and i'm just gonna write what happened the american revolution
the british were cunts
and then they lost that's what happened
if you really want to get into the minutia read another book or minutia
however you say it so anyway um
i went on a flight a few weeks ago man that i cannot stop thinking about
i'm really really starting you know people who's kidding who all right
now that meatloaf died i am one of the older entertainers out there okay
you know god you know god bless meatloaf rest in peace absolute
beast of a performer absolute beast of a performer and what i love about that
guy was that guy was not
supposed to make it on any there's no way the music industry was not looking
for that dude
ever they're still not looking for that dude but despite that that dude came
out did his thing
and sold tens of millions of albums and i never saw him in concert and
everybody said
you know i can't believe he never died during one of his concerts how hard that
guy went
like tom jones just dripping sweat right so anyway you know you know the
internet somebody dies somebody
has to make a joke somebody wrote the funniest joke this dude said uh
he said he went on meatloaf's wikipedia page and he said
that the guy said one of the hardest things for me in life has been trying to
get respect
in the music business and this person on twitter wrote yo he goes you called
yourself meatloaf my dude
rest in peace you crazy bastard i mean that's like one of the that's one of my
favorite things in life
you know when you're sitting there complaining or feeling sorry for yourself
and then just somebody
comes with the answer and it's so true it's just funny and all you have to do
is just you can just laugh
you know jimmy dore did that to me one time
one time i was talking to him there was some chick in my acting class this
chick i was just
you know fell head over heels in love with her and i was such a walled off
psycho you know i've just
loved her the second i saw her right and uh whatever years later i'm talking to
jimmy door right
and i was single at the time and everything he was single or whatever we were
just talking about women
and he's like you ever have a woman break your heart and i was like yeah
yeah i was talking about this chick and he goes oh yeah did you go out with her
i was like no
i go i never even talked to her and he literally stopped walking because i had
built a whole
relationship in my head it's easy to fall in love with somebody you never
talked to because they can't
like you know they always they're perfect in your mind right so when he found
out i had never even
talked to her he fucking i remember i still remember we were somewhere in the
like i don't know
18th street or 20th street or some in new york and he was literally leaning on
a mailbox he
was laughing so hard just dying laughing at me and he was laughing so hard i
was like what
what he goes and he was like just going you fell in love with a chick that you
never even talked to
and i said yeah and he laughed even harder for like another 30 seconds and he
was laughing so hard
he got me going i didn't know he's laughing but i go what what he goes bill he
goes
for all you know she could have been