Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-31-22
Uploaded: 2022-01-31T18:28:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-31-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-31-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-31. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-31-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
January 31st, 2022!
Two, two, two, what's going on? How are ya?
How's it going, huh? You back east?
Was there a fucking nor'easter, dude?
Dude, it's the fucking perfect storm.
You got a westerly wind coming off the lake in fucking Buffalo filled with the
frozen tears of their fucking fans after they choked away the fucking game last
week.
Dude, they didn't choke it away. It was a fucking coin flip.
Well, whatever, dude. They should have said heads.
That fucking water came right over fucking Lee, Massachusetts, fucking exit two
off the fucking mass turnpike.
It got caught up in wealthly!
They always make such a big fucking deal about the goddamn snow, and they're
always looking at the drifts.
Look at that door. Jesus Christ.
Look at that door in the corner of that building.
It's got to be up to your neck.
Yeah, but look at the snow around it.
All that I saw was manageable situations.
Okay?
It's manageable. Everything is manageable.
You wait. You fucking wait.
I'm not saying it wasn't a bad storm.
I wasn't even out there.
I was out here in the sunshine, baby.
I was enjoying myself.
How is it back east, huh?
You got your little ice scraper out?
That fucking back and forth sound.
Oh, my God.
I remember that coming out there.
The crunch of the fucking snow and ice under your boots.
My car isn't going to start.
I know it's not going to start.
Look, it's wrapped in a fucking cocoon of snow.
I need a jump, right?
And you finally get the fucking thing going.
And your ass would be on that cold fucking vinyl seat.
You know?
And the best part was when you...
The best part of starting your car
was when it was warm enough
that you could actually go back inside.
You know?
And just let the fucking engine run.
And let it get all fucking warmed up.
You know what I mean?
I used to take pride in clearing the snow off my car.
I'd clean the whole fucking thing off.
You know?
I wouldn't just clean it off
like the fucking windshield.
You know?
I love people who would, like,
clean off the whole car
and then just leave the roof
like a fucking, you know,
a kid-and-play haircut
except with snow.
You'd just go flying down the street
and it was like it was snowing all over again
for the people behind you.
I used to clean the whole fucker off.
And, uh...
Yeah, that was the best.
Once it got warm enough
that you could actually go in the house
and just sit there
and then stare at your car
and make sure nobody took it.
You know what I mean?
Who the fuck would want
an 83 Ford Ranger 4-speed vinyl seats,
no air conditioning
with a factory radio?
The long bed.
Huh?
The big fucking dent in the tailgate
filled with some Bondo?
Um, because your dad said
he knew how to fix it.
Oh, yeah.
I can do it.
I can do that body work.
Um,
yeah, I do not miss that.
The only thing great about snow
is when you're a kid
and you don't have to go to school.
That was the shit.
You know?
Then you paid for it in June
because you had to make up the days
or whatever.
But all I know,
out here,
it was lovely.
It was lovely.
I went down to,
uh,
I went into Hollywood,
something I never do,
just being the older fella
that I am,
which I kind of love.
Being old is the shit.
By the way,
don't let any of these
fucking real housewives
or these fucking guys,
you know,
the new thing now
is they show,
you know,
it used to be the real housewives,
right,
where they would just show,
like, you know,
you can still have perky tits
in your 50s
and, you know,
a wrinkled, free,
shiny, sweaty-looking face,
whatever the fuck that is,
you know,
looking like he just got out
of a steam room.
Some people find that attractive,
I guess.
I don't know.
Um,
they're now starting to do that
with guys.
They're having all of these,
like,
fucking shredded older guys
and they're just sitting there
with sad pecs
staring down at the floor
like they don't want to fight anybody
and then all of a sudden,
you know,
then they do the after picture
and the guy is just
fucking jacked.
Did a fucking cycle.
They're all doing a,
there's no fucking way
I heard there's no diet
and there's no fucking workout
for you to get that fucking shredded
and put that amount of muscle on
in your 50s.
You can't fucking do it.
You cannot fucking do it.
Do I have any medical background?
No, I don't.
This doesn't stop me.
I'll pontificate all I want.
You know what my research is?
Being a 53-year-old man.
Yeah, that's it.
Your shoulders give out.
Everything's done.
It's a fucking wrap.
You're in your 50s.
You're in your yoga years.
You start having soup and salad.
All right?
You're going easy.
You're baby in the engine
so you can still get up the fucking hill.
They got these fucking 63-year-olds
running up the hills
carrying logs
like they're trying to become
a fucking Green Beret
or some shit.
I'm not buying it.
You know what's funny
is to see a shredded
fucking hair-plugged guy
in his 60s
saying Barry Bonds
doesn't belong in the hall.
Some roided-up guy.
I do find that fascinating.
People wanting to continue
to be fuckable
well into...
I don't know how...
I don't understand it.
Once you have kids,
all you want to do
is just sleep.
Like, I get...
You know, I understand now
why couples, after a while,
they sleep in separate rooms.
You know what I mean?
It doesn't mean
the marriage is over.
You've just reached
a level of maturity.
Like, look.
Look what banging did.
You know,
we got this beautiful family
and now we're just tired.
All right?
How about you have
your own bed?
You know,
and you can sprawl out
and snore
and do whatever you want.
And I can be down the hall
muttering and grinding my teeth
or whatever the fuck
crazy bullshit I do.
Then we'll wake up
in the morning
and see each other.
Absence!
Making the heart grow fonder.
Somebody's always
going to wake up earlier.
Right?
I don't know
what I'm talking about.
I never do.
I never do.
But I'm calling bullshit.
I'm calling bullshit
on these...
Like, it's one thing
if you just kept working out.
I'll give it with those guys.
But those guys
that let themselves go
and they got like
a dad bod
and all of that shit.
And then...
Dude, I'm talking
more shredded
than most people
are ever shredded
in their lives.
Coming back
like Roger Clemens
on the fucking Blue Jays.
Right?
Like I thought he was done.
All of a sudden
it's 1984 again.
What happened?
Anyway.
Did I tell you...
Did Barry Bonds get in?
I think Barry Bonds
should get into the hall.
I know I've been making
this argument forever.
I really believe
that Barry Bonds
was a victim
of the steroids era.
I really do.
Because he was the guy
and then a bunch
of other people cheated
and then the president
was calling them
instead of Barry
and then Barry
was like
well alright
fuck it then.
You know?
This is me
on steroids.
There's 73
Mark!
Right?
Barry Bonds
Hall of Fame
opponents
can't handle
the truth.
Barry Bonds
and Roger Clemens
got what they deserved.
Could David Ortiz's
endorsement
get Bonds
Roger Clemens
into the hall of fame?
This is the amazing thing
about all those
baseball players
and all of those
people that took steroids
is
what they learned
on those people's
bodies
they're now using
on fucking
50 something year old
white dudes
like me
so we can be
fucking shredded
after our second
and third divorce
and go down
to an Applebee's
and maybe have a shot.
You're 63?
God I only thought
you were 51.
just go down there
all these
fucking chicks
with daddy issues
yeah and my buddies
one of my buddies
from back home
not in the business
an original
OG friend of mine
he said it
he said it
steroids saved baseball
baseball
was fucked
all of their records
all of their records
were from in the past
they canceled
the World Series
they had nothing
all they had
was Cal Ripken Jr.
breaking Lou Gehrig's
record
that's all they
fucking had
thank God
the Yankees
came back
that was great
for baseball
I wouldn't say
all was right
as they say
and at least
some people
that all was right
it was great
for baseball
you know
it's great
for baseball
when
it's like the 49ers
49ers being
fucking good again
it's good
you know
you don't want to
see them suck
I'll get into
that in a minute
but anyway
I always thought
Barry Bonds
was just like
you know
all of these guys
were going to hit
more home runs
and be more dominant
during his time
and the reality
is if all of them
were natural
they couldn't
touch Barry
and then they all
cheated
right
and Bill Clinton
right
the old cigar
smoker himself
called up
Sosa and Maguire
instead of Barry Bonds
so he was like
all right
well fuck it then
is this the new world
is this the new normal
that guy would hit
over 500 home runs
easy
which is
Hall of Fame
fucking numbers
enough already
enough already
and then you look at him
they're shitting all over
Pete Rose
for betting on baseball
right
and that was like
the big taboo
and now look at him
you can gamble
right there
at the fucking ballparks
on the game
as
as fans though
still what Pete Rose did
you know
he was actually playing
in the fucking game
you know
here's what I want
to commission
I want to stop
calling the 1919
White Sox
the Black Sox
I want them
to be called
the White Sox
so everybody knows
what franchise
did it
because for the
longest time
I always thought
the Black Sox
were some defunct
fucking team
you know
that threw the
World Series
and then their fans
sort of left them
and then
you know
it just faded away
right
like the Canton Bulldogs
or something
in Ohio
not saying
they cheated
they were like
at the beginning
of the AFL
all right Bill
shut the fuck up
okay fine
I will shut up
I will shut up
but I won't shut up
because I don't have
any guests on this thing
at least not this week
all right
so let's talk
what everybody
wants to talk
about
Neil Young
leaving
Spotify
no
let's talk
NFL playoffs
we can't talk
Neil Young
real quick
I saw
they said
that Spotify
stock
lost
four billion
dollars
because
Neil Young
left
or since
Neil Young
left
and I
immediately
thought to
myself
no it
didn't
you are
you are
now taking
the numbers
to make
it seem
like something
else
right
because
you got
that whole
big fucking
battle
you know
the people
that like
a certain
podcast
and those
people
that do
not
like
a certain
podcast
right
so they
were all
the one
side was
rooting
for Neil
Young
the other
was rooting
for the
podcast
and Spotify
chose
the podcast
and the
winner
is
the
podcast
the podcast
the podcast
the podcast
not the
80 year old
guy
um
so then
all the
Neil Young
people
gotta act
like
Spotify
took this
major
fucking hit
they all
fudged the
numbers to
make it
look
everybody's
just full
of fucking
shit
I don't
believe
any
fucking
data
until
this
shit
happened
and
then
you
just
you
just
have
the
stats
and
even
then
that
only
works
in
fucking
sports
it
does
not
work
in
other
things
because
then
even
after
shit
happens
people
put
their
little
spin
on
it
and
their
little
fucking
numbers
you
know
I gotta
be honest
with you
that
human
being
instinct
to
want
to
win
over
getting
the
right
answer
is a
fucking
disease
everybody
has
including
myself
how many times
you've been in an argument
with your fucking
wife right
you know she's
right
and you're just
hanging in there
because you don't
want to lose
and you're just
making up shit
you're trying to
fucking make it
about something
else
just take the
loss
know that she's
right and go
work on yourself
I'm not even
talking to you guys
I'm talking to
myself here
um
all right
so
well
well
well
well
well
the Kansas
City
Chiefs
all their
fans
were head
over
fucking
heels
and holy
shit
the fucking
Bengals
beat the
Titans
and we get
to play
them
is we're
gonna
fucking
walk
into that
Super
Bowl
Kelsey's
gonna be
moonwalking
after every
catch
Tyreek Hill
is gonna
happen
down the
fucking
field
right
Patrick Mahomes
is gonna be
slinging it
sidearm
and underhanding
the baby
down by the
goal line
all of that
was gonna
fucking
happen
what did
what did I
say last
week
what did
I say
about that
Buffalo
Chiefs
game
huh
now I
want to
b