Name: Monday Morning Podcast 2-28-22
Uploaded: 2022-02-28T20:07:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-28-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-28-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-28. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 2-28-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday,
February 28th, 2022. What's going on? How are you? Oh, people, I got a fucking
earworm.
I listened to this song the other day and I cannot, I cannot get it out of my
head
because Phil Collins plays on the track and he fucking kills it.
It was something my drum teacher told me about a couple of years ago. I don't
know, I was on the
internet just going down the fucking rabbit hole and I found that song again
and I listened to it
and I cannot get the fucking song out of my head. And I'm warning you right now
that if you go and
you listen to this song, you are going to be in the same place that I am. Okay.
So you know that going in.
Okay. I've let you in. So there's, you cannot sue the podcast if you can't get
this fucking song out
of your goddamn head. For the last four days, five days, maybe I have had tears
for fears,
a woman in chains in my head.
You know, I just can't get it out of my head. And I don't even know. I don't
even know the words.
I just love Phil Collins drumming on it.
It starts off. I don't even know what he's saying.
It's like the ultimate, you know, women can do no wrong. At no point in the
song do they ask why the guy had to put his woman in chains.
You know, maybe she was lighting up the credit card tears for fears, right?
Do they ever think of that? Nope.
Men are stoned.
Right. It's all about how men are fucking assholes.
And at one point, this woman,
I've listened to this song like 400 fucking times because Phil Collins kills it
so hard on the track.
And I still have no idea what any of the words are other than men are stoned.
And it always makes me laugh when he screams it.
Are we stoned?
Is that what we are?
We just sort of beaten down and we don't have any fucking fight left in us.
Now, Jesus, Bill, are you going to start this way?
Is this how you're going to start the podcast?
Yeah, yeah.
So free them.
That's how it goes.
It goes into that.
Listen, I'm not saying they don't have a valid argument.
That, you know, I'm not saying that there hasn't been times, you know.
You know, as a man, you're going into a store and you don't want to bring your
woman in.
So, you know, you tell her to stay in the car and you leave her in there like a
fucking dog.
And then they start crying.
And then they put that song on.
I think that's what that's what happens.
You better not leave me here.
You better not leave me here.
Woman in cars.
Just stay in the car.
Why?
Why can't I go in?
Because you're going to want you're going to want something.
You know, it's like a kid.
I can't bring a kid in there.
And then they're going to see a fucking toy.
And then I got to deal with that.
And both of you are going to end up in tears.
Right.
Then you're going to start telling me how I'm fucking cold.
And then put on menace toes.
But listen to Phil Collins on that.
You know, people, there's still like a question.
Was Phil Collins really a great drummer?
Was he really?
Was he really a great drummer?
You know, because all they think of was when he did like, well, did he just
sing I'm Walking on Sunshine?
He had like all those fucking, Sue, Sue, Sue, all those songs.
But listen to Brand X and listen to all this shit he did with Robert Plant.
Incredible.
I want to hear from Ginger Baker fans, though.
You know, when I was always I'll always be blown away how when I watched that
Beware of Mr. Baker, the way Eric Clapton dismissed the argument that John Bonham
was anywhere near as good a drummer as Ginger Baker.
They asked him and he just goes, oh, no, they're not even in the same
conversation.
And I was like, I don't know what the fuck I've been doing.
I got to go back and listen to Cream, which I did.
And it wasn't until I saw Ginger Baker's like the drum solo.
He did it like Royal Albert Hall.
I don't know if I've talked about this before.
I have no idea, people.
I've been having problems sleeping lately.
I've been stressed out getting ready to do this fucking project.
You know, and there's only so many nights you can do a fucking, you know, John
Wayne double shot of fucking NyQuil before you just have to address the fact
that you're going to have to start counting sheep.
Right.
Anyway.
Yeah, I just could not fucking sleep last night.
I was just laying in fucking bed.
You know, like when you're so tired, you're like, I need to go to sleep.
I need to go to sleep.
And then your brain is just going, going, going, going, going.
And I'm like, all right, it's midnight.
All right.
It's one in the morning.
It's got to be like a quarter to two.
It's got to be a quarter to two.
And then you fucking wake up at like 5.45 a.m.
Because you're thinking about all this shit you have to do today.
You know, doesn't this sound like the beginning of an infomercial?
And I'm going to have a solution for this at the end of it.
Start eating grapefruit.
Do you know anybody?
Remember that?
Remember the grapefruit 45 diet?
I don't know anybody who eats grapefruit and doesn't lose weight.
The problem is you'd have to eat 80 grapefruits a day to fucking lose your man
tits.
But now we've glued this construction worker to a fucking steel gird or
whatever.
All those things were the same.
I miss those guys screaming at me.
The end of an era was when that Billy Mays died.
Ah, Billy Mays.
Look at this vacuum cleaner.
You better get your kids out of the room.
It'll fucking suck them up, too.
Screaming.
And then there was that other guy who had the exercise equipment.
And he was jacked.
And he was dressed like he was going to go scuba diving.
Remember that was a look for a while.
He dressed that way.
The drummer for Dave Matthews Band used to dress that way.
They all dressed like at any moment.
Like they were going to go fucking jump on a boogie board.
And they walked around in public.
Some of them performed concerts in front of fucking 40,000 people going out
there.
You know, like they were on a family vacation.
I always wondered what Buddy Rich would have thought about that.
Price, you god damn it, kid.
You go out there with a sports coat on.
You don't go out on the bandstand at all.
Woman in chains.
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
On a fucking loop.
I can't get to sleep.
Laying in bed.
And I'm like, menace down.
Oh, Jesus.
Shout out to all the people who are getting all fucking upset over here.
About the international news that's going on in the news internationally.
It just blows my fucking mind the amount of people that are watching the
footage of that horrible shit that's happening in the Ukraine.
You know what I mean?
And like, they don't, they can't put two and two together and be like, oh, is
this what invading a country looks like?
Wait, have we ever done that?
And if we did, this is what it looked like.
Like people just, does somebody need to make a video?
Like, you know, when they do that thing like celebrities, they're just like us.
They do their dry cleaning.
Russia, they're just like us.
You know, I always have this fantasy that everybody around the world just quits
the military.
On the same day, at the same moment, just like, yeah, we're not doing this
anymore.
All right.
If you got a problem with that guy over there, okay, the leader of that country,
you go fight him.
You go over there, you put your penny loafers on and your little fucking Johnny
Appleseed backpack and you go over there and you go fight that guy.
I mean, I don't know.
And then people sit there and they watch the goddamn videos just from like one
side.
Like, it's like, you know, it's like feminists.
Oh, Jesus, Bill.
Where the fuck are you going?
I don't know.
I didn't get any sleep last night.
Don't listen to me.
You know, when they just male toxicity, it's and they just they don't see
themselves in it.
They don't see what they did to make the guy in their life toxic.
That's what I'm trying to say.
It's your fault, ladies.
No, they don't see.
They don't see what they do.
I actually think, you know, real feminists do, though.
You know, there's nothing cooler than a cool feminist.
Like, my wife's a cool feminist.
If I make a decent point, you know, about the broads there, she'll be like, all
right.
All right.
You got me on that.
But don't.
And then that makes me be like, OK, let me hear you.
I can hear you now.
What is the point of this bill?
I don't know what the point of this is.
The point is, I didn't get any fucking sleep last night and I'm comparing invading
countries to feminist rhetoric.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
All right.
It was a bad weekend, people.
I had a bad.
I had one great part of the weekend.
I went to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.
I had never been to that place.
Holy shit.
I'll tell you right now, if you've never been, like, if you've never been to
America and you only have two hours to be here and you want to get a feel for
what this country has to offer, you got to go to Chuck E. Cheese.
You know, pizza, soda, video games.
That's it.
Some fucking dude walking around in a mouse outfit, dancing to music.
I mean, it was fucking, it was amazing.
I thought I was going to go there and I was going to come out of there, like,
exhausted and all that, you know, chasing the kids around there.
I had a blast.
Parents were having a good time.
We're eating pizza, right?
And then they had enough games there for adults.
They had a fucking MotoGP game.
Well, you could race somebody else.
I was racing my daughter.
She's on another motorcycle.
I'm scrolling through, seeing if I can find Andres DiVizioso in a Ducati.
Right?
Although he's riding for Suzuki this year, I think.
I don't know.
It's starting up soon.
They had a game where, you know, you're throwing footballs through three
different circles.
Shit popping out if you hit that, you know.
Get 40 points.
Try to make the Hall of Fame, or at least the Pro Bowl.
If you played like shit, it called you a rookie.
Like, the game was talking shit.
It was great.
Fuck it.
Like, those old school games.
Like, you just press a button and you're firing, like, torpedoes to try to sink
ships.
Those are the games I like.
Before it got too involved, you know?
Like, now people just put, like, a virtual reality glass, glasses on.
And by the time you're done playing with the game, you got to buy a new flat
screen TV.
Because you tried to dive through a porthole and you forgot you were in your
living room.
That's, like, that's too much, I think.
Right?
Woman in shades.
Anyway.
Yeah, I had just a crazy weekend.
Been so busy.
Haven't been able to fucking sleep.
I'm joking about the NyQuil.
It's like, I'm not doing the NyQuil thing.
I don't want to fucking do that.
Because then all of a sudden, you're going to need the NyQuil to go to sleep.
Right?
And then you're hanging out, out in front of a CVS, you know, panhandling for
fucking nickels.
So you can go in there, you know, with a handful of weight, you know, just
change.
And just slamming it down so you can get the big gulp size of it.
Yeah, I was talking to somebody.
And they were saying, like, they were going through some shit.
And then they go, you know, whenever I'm going through some shit, I just, like,
Google fucked up shit on the internet.
So I realized that my shit isn't that bad.
And I was like, oh, all right, a little perspective.
And they ended up showing me this fucking clip of this poor guy who got eaten
by a shark down in fucking Australia.
And fortunately, it was, like, blurred out.
And I was just like, I had to, like, shut it off.
I had to shut the fucking thing.
I was like, oh, it was one of the most horrifying things.
I, it was blurred out.
But just knowing what this poor person was going through.
And my buddy told me that he watched the fucking unedited version of it.
I'm like, why the fuck would you do this?
He's like, dude, dude, it was fucked up, dude.
Yeah, it wasn't.
I've never fucking understood, like.
Somebody blows their knee out in a fucking sporting event.
I can't even handle that.
I don't understand how you could fucking