Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-22
Uploaded: 2022-03-10T20:34:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-10. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-22

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking
in on you
old billy fucking thespian doing his acting gig this month memorizing his lines
saying the stuff he memorized standing on a piece of tape i'm actually having a
great
time um i'm having a great time but my world is really small as i mentioned so
let's get let's
get down to it here's one for fucking old people this is something probably
everybody in australia
already knows all right if you have a beet salad for dinner the next morning
you're gonna think
you have blood in your urine and as you're going to the bathroom you're gonna
be like what the fuck
is that and you're gonna be like wait am i dying am i dying oh fuck i'm dying
and by the end of it
you're like well you know i had a good run i had a good run i mean what am i
special
steve mcqueen died at 50 who the fuck am i right i'm 53 gonna be 54 i got an
extra fucking
four years off of that guy and then you're like oh wait a second
wait a minute i had a beet salad last night oh that's what it is and then you
don't go to the
doctor and then the next day you have another
one and the same thing happens again and you're just like
what if i am eating beet salad at the exact moment i got bladder cancer
well what are the odds of that so then you fucking google search it right
the next thing you know anything you're looking at on youtube there's a bunch
of colostomy bags
in the in the advertising and it's just like will you stop spying on me
all right my my beet red pea is my business not yours okay
do you know next year apple is going to come out with their own colostomy bag
it's supposed to be un-fucking-believable
um
well there you go that's all i got going on in my life oh my god let me oh my
wife oh let me tell
you let me tell we had we had a couple of dumb fights this week
right so i had like super early calls where i had to get up at like set the
alarm at like 4 40 in the
morning
so the first day you know i'm sleeping next to her and it goes
whatever the fuck it does it's an old school alarm but whatever that's what it
sounds like right it
literally sounds like a duck is telling the worst story ever right next to your
fucking ear
right just starting off on 10 it's like dude build the story you know start low
and take me somewhere
like quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack yeah that's
how you do it you
don't just come right out of the fucking gate hey you wouldn't believe what
fucking happened to me
hey these goddamn ducks with their fucking stupid stories there so um
anyway
i fucking uh i wake up you know after a rough night because i'm fighting off
this cold because both of
my kids you know have colds you know so i'm going to bed you know i'm taking nyquil
okay you take nyquil you go to bed and you have like those cold medicine dreams
you know where you
wake up in the morning you're like did i commit a crime last night or was that
like no no that didn't
happen that didn't happen that i beat the fucking shit out of that guy at the
gym i had a dream last
night i beat the shit out of this like it was this weird thing where i was
going to use the bench
not for benching to do tricep work which is a really that's a fucking no-no at
the gym
you know what i mean because everybody goes and does their chest everybody
wants to work on their
chesticles so the ladies can be like oh my god you're so are you he-man i
thought you were he-man
um yeah and then you don't do any back exercises and your fucking shoulders
come forward and then
you fight rotator cuff issues like i am for the last fucking goddamn forever
right
but i'll do it if there's nobody else in the gym and there's another like bench
station available but
in this dream i just went over and i did it and as i did it this other fucking
guy wanted to use
the bench so i'm sitting there and he walks up to me and just ever so gently he
slapped me in the face
twice the first time i'm like do i know this guy and then he did it again and i'm
like what the fuck
and then for whatever reason he was on that that you know that station that um
you fucking you stand up on and then your forearms support you as you take your
feet off the where
you have your feet and then you lift your legs up and you do ab work he got on
one of those and i just
went up and i just grabbed him by his fucking throat and i started slapping him
and i was just screaming
you don't fucking slap me you know this is this is because i'm telling you
nyquil is fucking amazing and then it's also like you know you're gonna have
some really weird
violent at least i do i have like violent dreams and i commit crimes and i
assault people i don't know
what's going on so i had those dreams and then i wake up and i had after having
a beach salad and then
i think i'm dying um so whatever that's what the fuck i'm going through right
so anyway so my fucking
alarm fucking goes off and my wife's like what oh my god jesus pillows right
and she fucking goes back
to sleep so anyway and i go to work right like the fucking man i am i trudge
out the door with my
script time to make the donuts right i go out fucking door
and i go down to crafty she fucking gets around it's crafty right i get my
little breakfast
on set as they say out here on location and i get a text about three hours
later
and my wife she says hey can you do me a favor if you have another early call
time
tomorrow you know can you can you sleep downstairs or whatever or sleep out you
know in in my room above
the garage can you sleep out there that's what she wanted me to do right so i
come home you know and
she sent that laughing emojis she tried she was trying to be nice
to a night quilled man with beet juice in his urine right
so i come home right and she goes do you have another early call tomorrow
not oh there's my man who went out and earned some money so we can all eat cornflakes
tomorrow morning
that's not what she said it's not what she said at all she said do you have
another early call time tomorrow and i said yes i do she goes can you sleep
above the garage and i said
i'm not sleeping there because what if this is the night some fucking guy comes
through the front door
and i'm out there sleeping and god knows what happens to you guys now that
might have been the
night quill talking but that was the first it's the first thing i thought of so
i don't do that and the next morning 4 40 in the morning
so i get up and i can feel her anger in the dark i can feel her anger so i go
in trudging in
you know and i'm in the shower and when i'm in the shower she comes walking in
to use the bathroom
and she walks by with the fucking this look on her face okay like she's that
guy in the league
that never gets a fucking offensive foul right she comes fucking walking right
by
and i was so fucking mad i'm like i'm thinking like i'm the fucking girl good
enough at 4 40 to go
fucking work you're gonna go back to sleep right so i did what most adults does
right as she got
out of my vision i gave her the double finger from inside the fucking shower
right this is this is
what you do when you're married okay and um you know she was like mad at me
and i'm thinking like rather than me just being like bill you know you're
leaving and then she has
to take care of two kids and you're waking her up at 4 40 in the morning rather
than thinking that
i'm thinking like you know i'm the guy getting up going outside to go pretend
to be something i'm not
put a little respect right so i fucking leave i go to work right to be or not
to be
that is the question okay could you do it this time and not stress it is
could you stress the b yeah i got it all right still roll it to be or not to be
that is the question
that was the one that was the one right so i come home for work all right now
she's two days getting
woken up at 4 40. all right and i also got up at 4 40. so tensions are rising
like russia ukraine within my marriage this is like what's happening like
troops have been brought
to the border and by the way if i hear one more fucking asshole here in america
did you see what
they did it's oh my god it's awful oh i can't you know i just i can't what is
wrong with them it's just
like are you gonna do anything about it are you just gonna stand around and
talk about how awful it is
i just it is just it is heartbreaking it is so hard did you see that new bakery
that they have
opened up on the brand um anyway so i fucking uh
yeah so i do my day right and i came home and then
later on that now you know she's a little fucking grumpy right i'm a little
tired so you see what's
gonna happen okay you have a high pressure system next to a low pressure you
know what's gonna happen
right so she goes outside at one point towards the end of the night
when i'm getting ready to go to bed and she walks out she leaves the front door
open wide open as we
have the heat cranked so i'm one of those dads where i'm just like we got the
heat on
fucking close the doors that's how i was brought up what you geez what are you
really brought up in a barn
i always loved that when my parents would say that to me were you raised in a
barn it's like well why
don't you think back you raised me i think pretty much we were in a garrison
colonial
um so she leaves the door wide open so i just go to like just not close it all
the way i'm leaving
the door ajar and as i'm going to close it she's outside going like i'm coming
back in i'm coming right
back in don't close the door i'm coming right back in do i listen no i'm like i
don't give a
fuck the heat is cranked and it's going outside all right so i just close it
like that and then
you know she comes she was bringing a kid seated you know all she had to do was
just shoulder the
door a little bit it would have swung wide open so now she's not really mad
about that she's mad
because she hasn't gotten the right amount of sleep because my fucking thespian
douchebag ass
is waking up at her up to at 4 40 in the morning right so she just comes she's
like why would you
do that why would you close the door and i said i didn't close the door just i
just don't understand
why you would do that and then i was just like i was like you know what why
would you give me a dirty
look when i'm the guy going out the door making the money to make to earn money
for the cheerios
it's because i'm not talking about that right had this big dumb fight where she
of course
immediately tried to make up with me because she's more mature than i am right
and i'm like
i'm still mad right and then the next day she texts me after i got up after
sleeping over the garage
another 4 40 in the morning right going back off to work to be or not to be
that is the question
all right she texts me about halfway through the day how's it going all right
that's not what she said
she said how's it going because she's a sweetheart and i said well i love you
again which got a big laugh
via text and it was over just like that
okay and that's what happened to me over the last couple of days as everybody's
hearts were breaking for what's going on over in the ukraine as they do
absolutely nothing
about it as they look at that and don't see themselves in it drives me up the
wall
did you see they bombed this yeah that's what invading a country looks like
if you didn't live behind the media wall you know that doesn't show that when
we do
it but instead focuses on stand-up comedians and the jokes that they told in a
strip mall
and people watch it like it's news um sorry i'm not getting off my little
liberal stump about this
fucking thing until people stop telling me that their hearts but did you just
see what happened to the
dolphins oh my god my heart breaks for those dolphins you know so i was talking
to a surfer yesterday
um right isn't that surfing song before it became a quentin tarantino pulp
fiction song
um surfer rock music right i was talking to h