Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-24-22 (RE-UPLOAD)
Uploaded: 2022-03-26T19:36:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-24-22 (RE-UPLOAD)' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-24-22 (RE-UPLOAD)' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-26. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-24-22 (RE-UPLOAD)

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you,
just checking in on you.
All right. Oh, I'm in a mood. Oh, freckles. The old brown spots are simmering
today on his fucking nose.
Jesus Christ. A buddy of mine sends me a tech message, and he's like, MotoGP
was great this week. You might want it, but you got to check out the F1. The F1
was incredible.
All right. So I'm thinking, oh, my God, we got some racing. We got some racing
going on. We got some passing. We got all of this shit going on, right?
And I'm watching the race, and it's great. Ferraris are out front. I don't know
why they're maroon now, but I'm enjoying that.
Max Verstappen's out there. You know, that Perez guy's driving for Red Bull. I'm
a little behind in the sport, so I'm like, oh, wow, some shit jumbled around.
You know, Daniel Ricciardo's all the way in the back of the race because he's
driving some fucking shitbox ever since he left Red Bull, which is my problem
with that sport.
It's really the team that you're with is bigger than the driver's skill because
when Ricciardo was with Red Bull, he was getting podiums all the time. He was
winning races. He was drinking out of his fucking boot.
You know, now he's in the back of the race. It's the same driver. Different
team, you know.
So anyway, speaking of which, I'm watching the race, and I'm like, look at
Mercedes struggling.
Lewis Hamilton, fifth, sixth place the whole fucking race, right?
And I'm like, all right, this is good. Finally, some new fucking blood. You
know, I know Mercedes will get the car dialed in. This is good, right?
So we get to the end of the race. John Leclerc, Ferrari, fucking first place.
The other Ferrari driver is in second place.
Max Verstappen is in third, and Perez is in fourth, and Lewis Hamilton is in
fifth.
All right? And they're driving. There's like five fucking laps to go. All of a
sudden, this guy's car catches on fire.
Lewis Hamilton is completely out of the race and out of podium, right?
Fucking guy's car catches on fire. They got the new rules. They do the fucking
restart, whatever the hell it is.
Now he's in the leader group, and I'm like, here he comes. Here comes the rich
kid, his fucking, fucking the richest car out there.
Oh, for fuck's sakes, I'm not answering that.
Yes, I still have a house phone.
Do I need to answer, am I going to answer that?
Hang on, hang on.
Hello?
Oh, Jesus Christ. Have you really been trying?
Fucking assholes.
Trying to reach me for my car's extended warranty.
We've been trying to reach here.
Hey, a car's, he said you're a robot.
Fuck off, okay?
Let me guess, you have a diamond mind that I can invest in, and then you'll
cover my muffler?
Anyway, yeah, he's like in fifth fucking place.
They get to like the second to last lap.
All of a sudden, Max Verstappen's car just dies.
Just fucking dies.
Nobody passed anybody.
It dies.
So now Lewis Hamilton is in fourth place.
He's almost on the podium, and I'm thinking, oh, he's going to pass Perez.
Here we go, and he can't, because his car fucking sucks, right?
So I'm like, oh, great.
The rich kid, finally having a tough race.
I get to watch him pout.
One of my favorite things in the world.
Watching Lewis Hamilton sitting in his car with his helmet on,
acting like the world just ended, because he didn't get on a podium.
I'd say, no, it's the little things in life.
Ever since I saw that, I saw Botas be a teammate for him,
and then like six races later, it's like five years ago,
the exact same scenario was presented where Lewis could have hooked up Botas,
and he's just like, yeah, no, I'm not doing it.
And I was just like, you're a cunt.
Fuck you.
That's it.
I'm done with you, right?
So now there's one lap to go.
Lewis Hamilton cannot catch up with Perez.
And by the way, Ferrari is going to be one and two for the first time
in like 46 years at this race.
The announcers could give a fuck.
They're doing what they always do, screaming,
and Lewis Hamilton is now in fourth place.
Right?
I swear to God, the guy's voice is that high.
They get to the final fucking lap.
The other Red Bull car just dies.
He goes around and turns.
The engine just fucking dies, and he wipes out.
And Lewis Hamilton, and the fucking announcers are,
Oh, my God, this is incredible.
What a race.
Who would have thought it?
Oh, Lewis Hamilton is now in third place.
Lewis Hamilton makes the podium.
Screaming the whole fucking time.
Guys coming in third place.
They said Lewis Hamilton more than they said Ferrari's one and two.
And then they told me it was an incredible race.
Not because Ferrari went one and two.
Not because Lewis Hamilton passed two Red Bull cars
on the final two fucking laps.
Because both cars fucking died.
And they're so excited that the goddamn golden boy
gets on the fucking podium.
It was the fuck.
And my buddy had the fucking balls to tell me
that that was a good race.
That I get to see.
You know what he's like?
He's like the cunt in every coming-of-age 80s movie,
except in the end, he's still banging the cheerleader.
Would you ever think you could get this worked up
about people driving cars?
You know what it is?
It's just, they were acting like he passed somebody.
He didn't pass anybody.
It's the same reason that I don't like the NBA.
I don't like the fucking,
at least when Daniel Stern was running it
and he used to just rub his balls.
He'd paint his nutsack purple and fucking gold
and just root for the Lakers to make the finals
every fucking year, like openly.
Like, well, not Daniel Stern.
That's the actor.
David Stern.
What's your dream finals?
Oh, the Lakers versus the Lakers.
Then they have a mobbed up ref
who helped the Lakers get there.
But Stern wasn't involved.
No, not at all.
Not at all.
That guy ran a nice, tight ship
the whole time he was there.
That league wasn't finessed whatsoever.
Yeah, yeah.
The Knicks won the lottery in 85
and got fucking Patrick Ewing.
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Absolutely.
I'm buying all of that shit.
I'm buying all of that shit.
You know?
The fucking Kevin Garnett trade.
Oh, yeah.
They made total sets.
And all of a sudden, I don't know.
You know what the NBA needs?
You know?
It's just the ratings are down.
Let's just get the Lakers and Celtics going again.
Let's just give them that finals two years in a row.
Okay.
Sounds good.
Dial it up.
No one can tell me differently.
I literally heard an NBA player one year
when they lost in the playoffs.
He goes, yeah, we just didn't fit their script.
He literally said it.
And people still sit there
and act like the most easily manipulated
fucking game out there.
Oh, look at that great player.
He could do some damage today.
There's two quick fouls.
And out of the game you go.
All right.
Sorry.
Anyway.
Lewis Hamilton is in third place.
Can you believe it?
It's unbelievable.
What a race.
It was fantastic.
It was brilliant.
Spectacular.
He came in third place.
I don't know what's more hilarious to me.
Watching those announcers
screaming about Lewis Hamilton
getting third place in a race
or watching Vladimir Putin score a goal
in a pickup hockey game.
I don't know what is more ridiculous to me.
Or to use the great Dennis Miller's reference,
Elvis Presley.
Look at that.
I was so worked up.
I hit stop on the record.
The great Dennis Miller's reference,
watching Elvis Presley do karate.
Dennis Miller had this amazing joke
going a long time ago
in one of my favorite stand-up specials
of all time,
the black or white special.
Black,
no,
the off-white.
The off-white album?
No,
that was the album.
I think it was the black and white special.
I forget what the fuck,
oh my God,
I'm fucking old.
It was like 30 years ago.
So he had this,
now I have to look it up.
That's going to drive me nuts.
He had this joke saying,
so-and-so deserved something
about as much as Elvis Presley
deserved his black belt.
Oh,
black and white.
Right?
That was a stand-up special.
That was it.
Yes.
Yeah,
Mr. Miller goes to Washington
and that.
Two huge specials
for all young Billy Burr
when I used to watch stand-up comedy.
So,
anyway,
it was still fun though.
You know,
and by the way,
for all you Lewis Hamilton fanboys,
I know that guy is fucking amazing.
Okay?
And I know his story is amazing.
It is amazing.
Okay?
Without a fucking doubt.
Okay?
But I just,
you know.
Jesus Christ.
The guy came in third place.
All right?
He didn't just cure COVID.
Oh my God,
it's unbelievable.
Lewis Hamilton
just went through a drive-thru
and ordered a Big Mac.
And he got the fries.
Oh,
this hurt my voice.
Lewis Hamilton.
I drive my wife nuts
when I watch the fucking,
the races
because all I do
was scream
acting like that fucking guy.
Anyway,
so,
another week done.
Another week done on the movie.
People,
I have a week and a half left.
You know,
as mentioned before,
I could not be having a better time,
but I am wiped out.
I had,
you know,
I've been getting as many of my friends
in on this movie as I can.
Two of my buddies
came in this past week,
did a fucking great job.
They were getting laughs
after the take.
The takes,
uh,
worked with a,
beyond a legend,
legendary actor,
um,
this past week.
Can't name any of the fucking names
because that's how this game is played,
but,
um,
it's been good,
man.
I've been staying on my diet,
although,
you know,
um,
we do have food trucks come down
and,
uh,
we had these
fried chicken sandwiches
and I was like,
fuck this,
I'm doing that,
all right?
I've been eating the protein
the size of the palm of my hand
with green beans,
they're all
fucking weak.
I'm eating nuts and berries in between.
Fuck this.
I'm getting the fried chicken sandwich,
the Nashville hot fried chicken sandwich
with the coleslaw on it,
the curly fries
and a fucking root beer
and it was absolutely,
I was so psyched
that it was delicious
because I was talking
to,
um,
my wife this morning
telling her how good
the hot chicken sandwich was
because,
you know,
those things are really,
it's not even hit or miss,
it's usually a 90 misses
and then a hit
because,
um,
you know,
I really feel like
fried chicken is like pizza
where,
like,
anybody can make it taste good
but to make it taste great,
like,
there's just so many
okay pizza places,
like,
if I was to pick one food
that there is,
you know,
I don't know,
just an infinite amount
of okay pizza places
that stay in business
just because it's pizza,
like,
you know,
that's one of the fucking things
with like the,
um,
like the restaurant business
evidently is one of the,
you know,
scariest businesses
to go into,
you can totally lose your shirt
and all of that type of shit
and,
um,
you know,
yeah,
you can lose all your fucking money
but you can,
I think the safest bet
the blue chip stock
is to go in
and get and make a fucking,
you know,
start a pizza parlor
because at the very least,
as long as you got a location,
even if your pizza sucks,
your pizza absolutely sucks
but you're just on a corner
where there's going to be
a bunch of drunks
pouring out of a bar,
every Friday and Saturday night
you're going to be able
to meet your fucking overhead
just filling their bellies
with your mediocre
fucking,
it's cheese,
tomato sauce
and dough,
right?
And all the drunks
allowed themselves,
you know,
it's,
it's,
it's soaking up the alcohol,
I love that it soaks up
the alcohol
in your stomach
and it's like,
yeah,
but then you don't puke up
the pizza,
the pizza stays in
your stomach
and then goes into your system,
it's one of the dumbest
things ever
I need a slice of pizza
to fucking absorb
some of this alcohol,
it's no different
than when they put alcohol
in a fruit punch bowl,
same thing,
so I'd say that
and then fried chicken
is another one,
so,
you know,
I'd say,
I'm not like blowing up
a spot out here
because there's a line
like it's Disneyland
is Howlin' Ray's
is the best fucking chicken,
fried chicken sandwich
I've gotten in L.A.
and it's not even close,
it's fucking amazing
and then yesterday
this food truck came up
wh