Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-14-22
Uploaded: 2022-04-14T18:50:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-14-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-14-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-14. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-14-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you,
just checking in on you, just hanging out on a Thursday morning, getting ready
to go do all my bullshit.
It's April 14th, everybody. You know what that means tomorrow. You have to do
your taxes. You have to put in for an extension. You have to get the money back
that you gave to the government in the form of an interest-free loan.
People, I'm going to get outside my element right now, and I'm going to talk
inflation. What's the deal with inflation? Why does inflation happen? Why will
it continue to happen? I'll tell you exactly why.
Because people pay attention to the colors of ties. These fucking liberal
snowflakes with their goddamn fucking inflation.
Yeah, these red-tied sons of bitches with their Uzis and their AR-50s.
All you fucking dumb shit. Why don't you wake up?
Become smart like me. Someone who doesn't watch the news. Someone who isn't
informed.
Someone who took 45 years to consistently spell restaurant correctly.
Someone who still can't spell vinyl.
I know there's a Y in there.
Wait, I got it. V-I-N-Y-L?
Is there an A in there?
Whatever. You need to listen to me, man.
It's vinyl, Bill, not vinyl.
Yow.
Now she used to watch a show called Vinyl.
I still didn't know how to spell it.
Yeah.
Inflation is because our currency is controlled by a private group of bankers
that have created basically a legal Ponzi scheme.
Okay?
Might also have to do with the fact we've been playing a road game for over 20
years that bankrupted the fucking country.
That might also be what it is.
But I don't want to get involved in that because then everybody gets upset
because they'd rather fucking blame the color of ties and pay attention to
jokes told by stand-up comedians.
That's what's destroying the fabric of America.
It's not doctors creating synthetic heroin or people poisoning the food supply
or dumping poisons into our drinking water.
It's not the government allowing, on both sides, allowing these corporate cunts
to create disposable shit made out of plastic that then is dumped in the
fucking ocean.
It's not any of that.
It has to do with blue ties and red ties.
Oh, Billy's on his fucking preacher stump today, isn't he?
Anyway, at the end of the day, until we get rid of at least 80% of the
population, probably even more, like the longer we go, the more drastic the culling
of the herd is going to have to be.
In order for the surviving human beings to just chill the fuck out and let the
earth try to right itself.
This is what I would do if I was getting rid of the herd.
All right.
I would keep all the astronauts.
And I'd keep all the nerds.
And then what we do is we create these giant space garbage trucks.
That's right.
I said it.
Space garbage truck.
If Trump can say nuclear is the real N-word, I can say space garbage trucks and
probably win a local election.
Dude, I like what this guy's talking about with his space garbage trucks.
This is what you do.
You vacuum up space garbage trucks into vacuuming.
The ocean bill.
That's right.
It's two and a half times the size of Texas and fucking two miles deep.
You vacuum up all of that shit.
And you stick it in these space garbage trucks.
And then you fly them out.
I don't know where they go.
The astronauts come back.
We'll stick monkeys in them.
Monkeys.
All right.
And then if you're part of PETA and you're like, oh, the monkey didn't fucking
do anything, man.
We're going to say, well, go save them.
You thumbed footed cunt.
You go do it.
Right.
And then when they jump on the space garbage truck, we just we launch.
And that's it.
You know what I mean?
Like, what the fuck are we doing right now?
The whole thing's going to hell in a handbasket and everybody's acting like,
you know, nothing's going on.
And they're still screaming and yelling at either side.
I don't know.
And then meanwhile, Red Bull is going to fucking fly to Cessna side by side and
see if guys can get out of them and switch planes.
You mean, I got to be honest with you, what this has to do with that fucking
drink?
I have no idea because I don't remember fucking, you know, evil Knievel being
connected with fucking, you know, root beer or Pepsi.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Caesar's Palace Pepsi Challenge.
Can somebody please explain to me what the fuck Red Bull has to do with some of
the best pilots in the world?
That's what I want to know.
It has nothing to do with that.
I don't, I don't think that either one of those pilots is going to be like, you
know, what's going to make this fucking jump successful or this flight
successful?
So here's the thing with that stunt.
It's really not a stunt.
This is me with 300 hours.
It's really not a stunt unless neither one of the people is wearing a parachute.
Other than that, you know, what are you doing?
This is what, the fucking nerve of me with my summer school education to
fucking question this.
The physics involved in this thing, they'd have to weigh the exact same.
They'd have to be flying the exact same speed.
And then they have to, they have to be a certain closeness, right?
Because the second they nose them down, the thing that I would be concerned
about is if you can't fly it faster than terminal velocity or else the second
the humanoid gets out, he's not going to be able to keep up with it, right?
Oh, Billy Labcoat over here.
I don't fucking know.
But what I do like is that they're going to do it out over the ocean.
Because God forbid, if it doesn't work, we kill human beings, the polluters of
the ocean.
Let's just make sure that if it doesn't work, that there's people there to fish
out the two humans that just dumped two airplanes into the fucking ocean to
continue the pollution.
Let's make sure that we fish them out so those two people can tell the story
and continue to buy shit that they don't need that's going to end up in the
ocean.
Sorry.
Anyway, having said that, I'm going to watch it.
I am going to watch it.
I'll tell you what I watched yesterday.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr.
putting on a fucking display in the Bronx against the, I can't really call them
the Bombers anymore.
Even if they hit a lot of home runs, they're playing in that fucking wiffle
ballpark.
It's really weird how the ball carries there, you know?
Anyway, the guy gets up, right?
Gives the old right.
Damn, Fred!
Hits a fucking home run.
He's playing first base.
It was sort of a bad throw.
He reaches for it.
And as the runner's crossing the bag, Vlad's hand's almost down on the ground
and the runner steps on it with his cleats there.
The plastic tips on him that will then, or metal tips, I don't know, evidently,
they'll land up in the ocean at some point, float next to one of those Red Bull
planes.
Right?
He cuts his fucking hand.
His finger.
Doesn't get stitches.
Just gets his finger taped up.
And what does he do?
He goes Reggie Jackson.
He puts three on him.
Right there, Fred.
Right there, Fred.
And right there, Fred.
Now, granted, this doesn't make you Reggie Jackson because this man does it in
October.
However, the Toronto Blue Jays, you know, are talking all kinds of shit, saying
last year was the movie trailer.
This year is the movie.
To which I say, oh, yeah.
So now I am rooting for the Devil Rays and the Red Sox and even the Yankees.
Even the Yankees, to shut those sons of bitches up.
Because a long time ago, I remember there was an interview with Geddy Lee of
Rush and he was at a fucking Blue Jays game and he was talking shit about Red
Sox fans as if he wasn't a four-eyed, nerdy bass player from a prog rock band.
As if he wasn't sitting in the box seats, you know, listening to the umpires
clicking little machine there, keeping track of balls and strikes and thinking
in his head, ooh, that sounds like a good bass line to me.
Ever since then, I have been like, fuck the fucking Diaz brothers and fuck the
Toronto Blue Jays.
Having said that, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is a fucking problem.
But fuck the Toronto Blue Jays.
You know?
That's where Roger Clemens went and started, air quote, working out.
I don't know what's in the water up there in Toronto.
But that doughboy was done in Boston and all of a sudden he goes up to Toronto.
Cue the Super Friends music when they get out of the trap.
Back-to-back Cy Youngs.
He came back like Hulk Hogan when they went to drop his arm for the last time
and it came back up.
Yeah, everybody says he did roids.
That's not what happened.
He grew a goatee and he put Icy Hot on his balls and the rest is all history.
That's a fucking true story.
All right?
No, I'm happy that the Blue Jays are good, man.
That's always good for fucking baseball.
Especially up in Toronto.
It'll be sunny out.
Something good in sports will be happening.
Other than the usual disappointment of their beloved Toronto Maple Leafs.
Year in and year out.
People, I'm turning 54 years old in June.
54.
54 is the exact year between that the Rangers went between Stanley Cup's 1940
to 1994.
Okay?
The Toronto Maple Leafs have not won since 1967.
My entire life plus one year.
The last time they hoisted the cup.
Oh, freckles.
Where was I, religious people?
You tell me where the fuck I was.
All right?
And I'll go sell you a footbridge in fucking Albuquerque.
Sorry.
I'm in a mood right now.
I'm in a mood.
No, because I have all this fucking work ahead of me.
And I got to be honest with you.
Last night, I went out and I was hanging out with a buddy of mine who gets mad
at me when I don't say his name on the podcast.
And I say, well, I try not to say names.
He goes, I'd love if you'd say my name.
So in case he's listening, this goes out to you.
I was hanging out with a buddy of mine last night.
And I smoked a cigar, even though I was trying to go 10 days after the Masters.
I was just stressed.
Okay?
It's the only thing I have left.
So I fucking, I go up to, I go out there.
My buddy's like, are you doing a set tonight?
And I said, no, I'm not.
I'm just going to fucking hang.
I got to talk to you, man, about editing this movie, man.
I need to hear your fucking thoughts on it, man.
And of course, we barely talked about that.
We just sat there making fun of each other.
Right?
And anyway, so I say goodnight to him.
And I'm driving home.
And as I drive home, I go by the comedy store.
And I was like, fuck this.
I got to go in there.
And I went into the comedy store.
And tried out, you know, not just, you know, the shit I've been working on.
And it could not have gone better.
And I was literally, I was over the fucking moon.
I was so happy.
When I got home, I couldn't fall asleep till like 1.30 in the morning.
Right?
And of course, my daughter comes in and she's waking me up.
Right?
Just sitting there like, dad, can you make me French toast?
And I was like, okay.
She said, thanks.
And then my wife goes, we still have leftover pancakes.
And I said, oh, that's right.
And then my daughter goes, oh.
And that's how it begins.
That's how it begins.
It's like, you know.
My kids don't realize that like four out of the seven days, I make them Sunday
level breakfasts.
When I was a kid, you had fucking cereal for breakfast.
All right?
Cereal the whole week.
And then on Sunday, my mother would either make eggs, pancakes, waffles, or
French toast.
And it was fucking amazing.
There's bacon, toast, and all of that shit.
It was fucking incredible.
But for the rest of the week, you know, it was cornflakes.
It was Cheerios.
It was Applejacks.
Occasionally, Froot Loops.
They didn't last long.
I remember that I used to like eating Boo Berry or Count Chocula, but always
felt like shit afterwards.
So anyway, I had a great day yesterday with my daughter, right?
We're hanging out.
And I, you know, she's like, I want, let's do daddy-daughter time.
So I'm like, all right.
And I go, okay, what do you want to do?
I have to run a quick errand.
She goes, all right.
She loves running errands, like just going places.
And she goes, I go, what do you wan