Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-22
Uploaded: 2022-04-18T17:46:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-18. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
April 18th. I guess it's tax day? According to my phone.
Hey man, your taxes are due, man. I thought they were due on the 15th when I
was growing up.
When I was just a lad.
When it was fucking, you know, what do I remember? 68 cents per gallon? 75
cents per gallon?
April 15th. The old Federal Reserve came around knocking at the door to see
what the hell you were up with.
So happy tax day.
I hope you're getting your interest-free loan back from the powers that be
rather than owing any money.
You know, it's funny. A friend of mine reached out to me.
Oh, he reached out to me. Hey, you know what's going on? I haven't talked to
you in a while. Blah, blah, blah.
Because I ended up in Texas, of all places.
And I said, Dallas? And he said, yes. And I was like, I love Dallas.
So I was like, all right, let me look at real estate in Dallas.
Let me play out this fantasy where I get the fuck out of here.
You know, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I love that.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
Where are you going?
I'm going to a different state.
The fucking people over there, when you borrow a cup of sugar, whatever the
fuck it is you do nowadays with your neighbors.
There are way better people, man, to hang out with.
I got to be honest with you.
If you have to leave a whole fucking state, doesn't at some point you got to
look in the mirror and be like, what's going on with me?
You can't deal with anybody in this state?
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
Dude, you living here?
Nah, dude.
Where'd you go?
Dude, three years ago.
I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.
I was like, fuck this place.
You know how many times I've said that in my life?
From states to bars to schools.
You know, and you can't just leave.
You can't just leave somewhere.
You always have to say, fuck that place when you're leaving it.
Hey, you ever been to Magic Mountain?
Nah, man.
Fuck that place.
Yeah, really?
You never went?
No, I went.
I thought you said you didn't go.
No, I did go.
I don't.
I didn't like the way I was treated.
So I was just like, you know, I went there and, you know, I was playing the
fucking shoot the water pistol into the fucking clown's mouth.
And the guy fucked the timer on me.
So I didn't win the big, big teddy bear.
Fuck that place.
Yeah, right.
I'm going to see if there's an actual page of that.
The number one fuck that place in America.
There has to be.
Dude, fuck that place.
You been to that?
Dude, fuck that place.
Hang on a second.
Number one fuck that place.
Place.
All right.
Fuck that place.
Fuck this place.
Official video from Guar.
It's an actual song.
These are musicians.
They took time to write a piece of music that said, fuck this place.
Fuck this place from the Blood of God's album.
The story of Guar is carved across.
I got to find out what place they're talking about.
Fuck this place.
Transition translation into Spanish.
It's got to be puta somewhere in that.
You got to tag it with that.
Right.
Song by Frightened Rabbit.
Fuck this place.
All right.
Then it goes into Limp Bizkit.
See, a lot of anger.
A lot of anger with fuck this place.
Speaking of that shit.
Speaking of fucking anger.
Boston Celtics fans still upset with Kyrie Irving.
Now, granted.
Granted.
The guy stomped on the fucking Celtics, you know, logo last year when they beat
us in the playoffs, I guess.
So, whatever the fuck happened.
I don't know what.
So, all I know is I'm riding around with my lovely bride.
Well, we had like a big Easter weekend.
I got to talk about the Easter Bunny, right?
I got to talk about that shit at some point.
Remind me.
Remind me to talk about the Easter Bunny.
Anyway.
So, I'm riding around with my lovely bride.
And ended up, you know, I had to meet up with somebody because I had to
practice something that I have to do this week.
That has a little, there's a little bit of pressure involved, right?
So, I got that out of the way.
I'm like, where do you want to go?
She's like, I don't know.
I go, how about we go buy a cigar bar, right?
Hang out for a second.
We go walking in.
Lo and behold, the Celtics game is on in the second half.
I knew it was on today.
I just didn't know when.
And I was like, oh my God, this is perfect.
And they got the fucking Celtics game on.
This is great.
So, I sat down.
I watched like mid-third quarter on.
It just killed me.
The Celtics fans were chanting,
Kyrie sucks.
The guy doesn't suck.
And why are you pissing off the star of the other team?
How many of these fucking Jordan documentaries do they have to make?
You guys, you don't understand.
I'm not just talking about Celtics fans.
Fans in general, just do not understand.
Because they think that superstar athletes are wired the same way they are.
You know?
There's a reason you're sitting in the stands.
Because when you played ball and somebody told you you sucked,
you put your head down.
Swung at the first three pitches and went back to the bench.
Am I talking about me right now?
That's how you think.
That's not how they think.
They think, oh, you think I suck?
Great.
Fantastic.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to drop fucking 40.
And fucking watch you drive out of here drying the tears off your son's face.
That's all that does.
That doesn't rattle a star player.
You get some fucking bum coming off the bench.
But usually they go in during garbage time anyway.
You don't heckle the star of another team.
Kyrie had, what do you have?
Fucking 39, 40, 41, whatever the fuck he had.
You knew that was coming.
But the Celtics pull it out!
They're incredible.
Did not look like a good play.
I don't know any of the guys' names.
Collapsed in the corner.
All of a sudden it crossed the court.
What the fuck are we doing?
And over to Jason Tatum.
Little twist-a-roo.
Whatever the fuck you say in basketball.
Lay up for the win.
At the fucking buzzer.
Incredible.
Place goes nuts.
But it's going to be a long series.
Celtics fans, stop chanting Kyrie sucks.
I want to win this series.
Okay?
I get it.
He stepped on the fucking logo.
Oh, what are we, in a gang?
Did he disrespect us?
Who gives a shit?
We got 17 banners, you know, hanging above his head.
Who gives a fuck?
Let's just beat him.
That's what I want to do.
I want us to beat the Brooklyn Nets.
By the way, what's his face?
Durant.
I like Durant.
He looks like a fucking, like, I don't know what his deal is, man.
He just, he doesn't look like he's from this time.
You know?
He's got like that Greg Odom disease where he just looked like he was 40 when
he was fucking 25.
You know?
That's what a big man used to look like as far into his career as he is back in
the day.
They'd come out there and they'd look like somebody's dad.
And they had a look on their face like you didn't want to fuck with them.
Now, everybody still looks like a kid.
I don't know, maybe because I'm old as shit.
That's probably part of it.
But I don't know.
I actually like a lot of the Brooklyn Nets.
But anyway, Celtics fans, don't chant Kyrie sucks.
All right?
Just let him go out there and fucking do whatever the fuck he's going to do.
I swear to God.
Telling him that he sucks is going to add seven points to his fucking final
stats.
I'm telling you.
He doesn't suck.
You know he doesn't suck.
You know?
As a Celtics fan, I wish he tried a little more.
He's one of those guys.
He needs to get motivated.
So he's got to go to his city, make everybody hate him.
And then he fucking tries against him when he goes to the next team or whatever.
But if you're going to chant something, I was tweeting about this.
If you're going to chant something about Kyrie, chant something to take him out
of the game.
Like chant, the world is round.
That's a hard one.
The world is round.
The earth is round.
Still one syllable.
You'll figure it out.
All right?
And then you have him thinking about, you know, how he can prove to you that
you're looking down at a cereal bowl, not at a ball.
You want him thinking about that shit.
Topography.
Geography.
Paleontology.
You want him thinking about that shit.
You don't want to just say that he sucks because then he's going to fucking
drop 40 on you.
Now, if you're a gambler.
All right?
And you go to the Celtics game.
And you got money on the nets even though your hats with the Celtics.
Then by all means, you heckle Kyrie.
That's actually a fucking move.
Right?
You actually go on the road.
And you heckle the stars of your own team.
And they'll think that you're fans of the hometown team.
They'll try extra hard.
They'll cover the spread and you win money and your home team wins.
How about that?
In theory, in theory, that worked in my head.
Figured all that out and it just fucking worked.
Anyway, had a big dad and mom weekend.
It was Easter weekend.
And my daughter's hilarious.
We went over to this church and they had this Easter egg hunt.
And it was awesome.
You know?
This older guy's on the mic.
You know?
One of those guys that's involved in the neighborhood.
But you know, can put a few away.
You know?
Guy's guy.
Right?
He's on the mic.
We all do the bunny hop.
Ba-na-na-na-na-na.
Ba-na-na-na-na-na.
Ba-na-na-na-na-na.
Bomp, bump, bump.
Right?
Hopping across the parking lot.
Son and daughter.
Everybody's having a great time.
The kids are having a great time.
Beautiful day.
Everything's awesome.
And, you know, the Easter bunny's there and stuff.
Definitely looking like it was on a plant-based diet, you know?
I know Santa Claus is supposed to be fat.
Is the Easter bunny supposed to be a little fat too?
This one looked a little skinny, right?
So, anyway, we do the Easter egg hunt and all of that type of shit.
Everybody's having a good time.
There's always a couple of psycho parents, like, coaching their kids on how to
get the most eggs.
You're just like, oh, God.
What are you, a banker?
Who gives a shit?
Talking to your kid like it's the beginning of Survivor.
Yeah, I saw someone doing that.
Everybody's going to stop.
You go deep.
You go deep into the field.
That's where all the eggs are.
The kid's sitting there, like, fucking talking to, like, a three-year-old, five-year-old
or something.
It's hilarious.
Anyway, so we have a great time.
99.9%.
Everybody over there was fucking great.
And so we ended up going home.
And my daughter says to me, you know, I asked her if she had fun.
She was like, yeah.
And I go, that's great.
I'm glad you had a good time.
She goes, yeah, but that wasn't the real Easter bunny.
And I'm like, I'm like, and I just looked at her.
She goes, you know how I knew?
And I said, how?
And she said he was wearing shoes.
She goes, Easter bunny doesn't wear shoes.
So me and my wife are, like, crying, laughing, not trying to, like, give the
whole thing away.
And then I went back and looked at the video.
And the dude or the woman in the fucking bunny suit, they had a white bunny
suit on with, like, black fucking sneakers.
Like, like, ref shoes, like, walking around.
And every kid, you know, it's weird enough that, you know, you're looking at
this thing that's supposed to be a rabbit.
And they already know what a rabbit looks like.
And this thing's, you're walking around on two fucking legs, you know.
And you're as skinny as flamingo legs.
That doesn't help.
And then you're walking around in ref shoes.
It actually made me feel good because I know some kids get really upset at the
end of this shit when they find out, you know, just wait a minute, wait a
minute.
I should have said something before.
Anybody's listening to this with your kids.
If you're listening to this with your kids, you're crazy.
But if you are listening to this with your kids, just don't listen to the next
thing I'm going to say.
When you tell them that, okay, some of these things are not real.
All of these things.
From the tooth fairy to the currency that you put under the pillow.
None of it's fucking real.
The fact that you actually have somebody walking around in a bunny rabbit suit
with sneakers on, you know.
I guess