Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-22
Uploaded: 2022-04-26T17:38:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, April 25th, 2022.
Two, two, two, two. What's going on, everybody? How are you?
Oh, Billy, hay fever. I got a little bit of a cold here.
Oh, Billy, too much fun. Oh, Billy, fucking not sitting in the sun.
So I'm in, uh, I'm in, uh, where the hell am I? Ah, shit, I hope this isn't
fucking with my recording. Incoming call here.
I am in, um, Columbus, Ohio, trying to fucking drink plenty of fluids here to
get rid of my cold, and I'm watching the New Orleans Breakers versus the Tampa
Bay Bandits.
Some USFL action.
And I gotta be honest with you, I'm still heartbroken all these years later, 40
years later, that the Boston Breakers left Boston to go down to New Orleans.
They never appreciated him. Look at that, all the way down to the four-yard
line.
37 seconds to go in the first quarter.
I'm just saying this just in case somebody's actually taping this game. There's
literally three people in the fucking crowd.
This is decent football, though. I don't know what the problem is. Why people?
Why, I guess because the NBA playoffs are happening?
I might have to get a New Orleans Breakers to the end zone. Back shoulder.
Touchdown!
Oh, he dropped it. Oh, God, I was like the Yankees guys. It is far. It is deep.
That ball is caught. What happened?
Wasn't even the back shoulder. Oh, we tried to one-hand it there. An NFL guy
would have done that.
But I like watching these USFL games because everybody in this league does not
want to be in this league.
They're all right down to the announcers. Everybody's hoping that someone from
the NFL is watching this shit. Touchdown, Breakers!
My God, there is literally... Oh, my God, there cannot be more than fucking 200
people at that game.
That would be amazing. You got to go to these games, guys. If there's a fucking
USFL game near you, you got to go.
These are all fucking Division I players for the most part, I would think.
They just didn't get drafted or whatever. This is still like watching a college
All-Star game.
Maybe not the top-tier one. You get to watch it with 200 other people?
I mean, come on!
Who's the red-headed fellow there who used to coach the Dallas Cowboys?
He's up in the booth. I was watching him. I'm like, this guy's doing a good job.
Kind of has a funny way of holding the mic a little bit.
But other than that, I think it's all right.
You know, he's kind of holding the mic like it's a wine glass.
And I'm like, well, he was in Dallas for a while. You know Dallas.
That's the Beverly Hills of Texas.
This is a two-point conversion for you.
What in the fuck just happened?
They went up 6-0 and then they threw another one.
Am I watching highlights here?
What just happened there?
Now all of a sudden...
Wow, what a great catch.
All of a sudden, now they're up 14-0.
Is there a two-point conversion?
You can go for another touchdown?
Oh, these wacky other leagues.
That can't be right.
Maybe it was already 6-0.
Hey, Bill, maybe 99% of people aren't watching the game right now.
You should shut the fuck up.
All right, well, you just missed a hell of a catch.
That you could literally take everyone who's going to your wedding, okay, and
go to a USFL game and there'd be more people at it than this.
This is fucking amazing.
Anyway, and I want to give a shout-out to a New York Yankee fan.
I know New York Yankee fans are taking a little bit of shit because a couple of
knuckleheads out there in fucking right field.
I saw this great video.
I posted it on my Instagram stories for all you kids out there.
There was a New York Yankee fan at the game.
He looked like he was by himself.
He had a beer he had on his Yankees jacket, and he had a hot dog, and he was
dunking the hot dog into the beer and then eating it like a cop would dunk a
donut into a coffee.
Why not a fireman?
I don't know because that's the stereotype.
And I just saw that and was like, yeah, that's what you used to see at games.
You used to just see, like, all of these sports fans doing weird shit like that.
I remember the first time I went to Wrigley Field, early 80s, when Leon Durham
was there.
The great Bill Buckner.
Still love that guy.
Rest in peace, Bill Buckner.
I remember the guys behind us were drinking beers, and this guy kept pouring
salt, a little bit of salt into his beer.
My dad told me it was to take the head down or something.
I don't know what the fuck it was.
I'd never seen anybody do that.
There was all these, and all it was was just hot dogs, peanuts, and fucking booze.
That was it.
Great defensive player in the backfield.
Is that Vaughn Miller's brother?
Some guy named Miller.
Yeah, just to see that shit.
Like, I've got to be honest with you.
I really, you know, I was talking to a buddy of mine.
I was saying, like, you know, if I had the money, if I had the time, if I had
the power, and I had the woman,
I would buy the Pittsburgh Pirates.
I'd take them away from that awful ownership who really should be forced to
sell.
And I would take over that stadium, and not only would I try to make the team
competitive,
I would bring it back where you're not trying to attract people who aren't
really even that into sports.
You know?
Oh, now I'm watching a commercial, and The Rock's in it for some movie.
This looks like a good movie.
You know, I saw, oh, Young Rock.
I've got to watch that.
You know, I saw this fucking video of him, and he was talking to these young
kids.
He's, like, going, you know, I love you guys.
I'm proud of you guys.
But none of you motherfuckers is going to outwork me.
None of you.
You hear me?
None of you.
Like, and it just bothered me that no one in the crowd was like,
Eh, I'll fucking outwork you.
Nobody.
They just sat there and took it.
None of you motherfuckers is going to outwork me.
It was really amazing.
It was like, it was a motivational speech, and then he started giving them shit.
All at the same time.
But how are you going to argue with the guy?
The guy's, like, fucking well into his 40s, and he's absolutely shredded.
I mean, you're sitting there in your 20s.
You already got a fucking potato skins pooch hanging over your fucking junk.
You're like, well, you know, maybe he's right.
Uh, thanks?
I want to do that.
I want to be that motivational speaker that fucking goes around and inspires
people.
You know, it's like you do the dual thing.
You inspire people while also subtly saying they're never going to be as good
as you.
I'm going to do that.
I'm going to teach a stand-up comedy class and do that.
Let me tell you something.
I love you guys.
You guys are all funny, and you all have a bright future ahead of you.
But let me tell you something right now.
None of you motherfuckers is going to lean on a mic stand the way I do.
You hear me?
None of you.
Just be fucking staring at him as I'm leaning on the mic stand.
Um, you will always open for me.
You understand me?
Um, just fucking around.
I love The Rock.
Not only do I love The Rock, I watch everything that he's in.
Okay, and I'm old school.
I can't say totally old school.
If I was a really old school rock fan, I would have watched him when he was
with the Hurricanes.
But I've been watching him since the, uh, when he was wrestling.
And I would still say, I mean, if anybody ever said, this is like sacrilegious.
He's the only guy I ever saw that could fuck with Ric Flair on the mic.
And just as a comedian, what I loved was he didn't rest on his catchphrases.
He was always adding new stuff to what he was doing.
Like, there was just, there hasn't been a guy like that before or since how
fucking amazing that guy is.
I think, and I would say in the modern era, which I consider the late 90s
because I'm an old guy.
The modern era.
I've yet to see somebody after him.
All you young people.
If there's somebody out there that you think is as good as The Rock,
I want to see that guy because that fucking guy, you know.
I remember at the beginning of the Super Bowl this year when he was like,
finally, the Super Bowl has come back to Los Angeles.
This female comedian I know texted me.
She goes, did we really need that at the beginning of the game?
And I was like, absolutely.
We fucking absolutely did.
It's one of my favorite intros to a fucking Super Bowl ever.
What were we supposed to have, you know?
One of those fucking goddamn whining rock bands now that sing about their
emotions.
You know, I blame the whole Seattle rock scene on, like emo music on the
Seattle scene.
They just fucking, they came in and they just fucking changed it.
Whining about their fucking days.
They couldn't just block their feelings the way the hair metal bands did, you
know?
I'll tell you right now, if you're not watching this USFL game, the Portland
Breakers, I mean the New Orleans Breakers, are they the Portland Breakers?
I don't even know where they're from.
New Orleans.
The New Orleans Breakers are, they're putting on a clinic here on how to beat
the Tampa Bay fucking strip malls, whatever they're called.
The Tampa Bay Bandits.
Oh, look at that.
Is that a female driver?
Somebody just won a race in a pink car.
I'm guessing that's a female driver.
Oh, it's a guy.
Maybe he lives an alternative lifestyle.
He's with a woman.
There's a lot going on there.
You know, when you watch TV with the sound down, I mean, a lot of different
things start happening.
Look at the stars they put on the ball in USFL.
I like it.
You got to have, you know, when you have a new league, you got to have a
different fucking, they don't have money for cups either.
Look at the quarterback's junk hanging to the right.
You got to have, I mean, it was right in the middle of the screen, people.
What do you want from me?
Anyway, you got to have a different ball.
Like the AFL did.
The way the ABA did.
I think that right there is a good sign for investors that you could possibly
be creating a league that will eventually merge.
I don't know.
There's probably too many goddamn teams at this point.
I mean, the NFL has 32 franchises.
But God knows, they're always looking to add more.
You know?
Look, I'm wondering, do you ever think the NFL would ever get up to 40 teams?
I mean, who would thought that they would ever add a game and play 17 games?
Which, by the way, I fucking hate.
I fucking hate 17.
Because now I got to rethink my whole, you know, when you try to predict.
Predict.
What do you think they're going to do this year?
Go fucking, you know, 9-7?
10-6?
Now you got to be like, what do you think they're going to do this year?
9-8?
10-7?
You got to ask yourself, is 10-7 good enough to make the playoffs this year?
It's just weird.
They're weird numbers.
Not a fan.
Oh, Billy Grouchy Cakes doesn't like an extra game of NFL football as he sits
here watching spring football.
Look at the fucking, they got little stars on the front of them.
When somebody throws a spiral, it looks cool.
All right, I got to do a little vanity thing here.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Club Soda Kenny sent me video, center field camera, of me throwing out the
first pitch.
I've probably watched it 78 times today.
It still hasn't worn off.
It's the coolest thing I think I ever did.
I still can't believe it.
I talked about the pitcher mound, right?
I'm telling you, it's fucking synthetic dirt.
It's not even, it was like Illuminati level dirt.
It was the cleanest dirt I've ever seen in my life.
Like if you fell down on it, your clothes would be cleaner somehow.
It was incredible.
You know, Bull Durham, they always talked about how, you know, playing baseball,
like every ball was, when you get to the show,
how all you played with was like the new baseballs.
Jesus Christ, look at that fucking coach.
I don't know what he was looking at, but I don't think he's ever going to
figure out whatever the hell he was trying to figure out.
Oh, Christ, there's a sloppy play.
On third and goal, now we got to settle for a field goal.
You know what's funny about this shit is you know there's somebody out there
that has money on this