Name: TAMMP 4 28 22
Uploaded: 2022-04-28T20:19:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'TAMMP 4 28 22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'TAMMP 4 28 22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-28. Transcript available.

TAMMP 4 28 22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in, just checking in on you.
What's going on? How are you? How's things? I just watched my Boston Red Sox
finally beat the goddamn Blue Jays.
Jesus Christ. That fucking Springer. That kid's killing us. Absolutely killing
us.
And I got to tell you, you know, I got to admit, I got to admit, they got a
good squad. God damn it.
It kills me. And, you know, and who's kidding who? Bo Bichette, love the
highlights, the highlights in his hair.
It's just, you know, it's not enough that he's a shortstop in the MLB.
It's not enough that he has long flowing hair. He also has to get him
highlighted.
I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, what the fuck more do you need to do?
All jealousy. And then I did enjoy Jordan Romano. The look on his face. He
looks like fucking Teen Wolf.
He was not fucking around. I think we caught him in between growing a beard
because I had to look him up to be like this.
He always looked like that. I just think it was the intensity that came.
Because you see a photo of the guy. He looks fine. But when he's sitting there
with his glove up to his face, you know,
and he's doing the full metal jacket, you know, where you kind of put your head
down,
you look through the bottom of your eyebrows.
Mildly unsettling for a baseball player.
Anyway, and how about your Boston Celtics?
Woo!
Oh, freckles. Oh, Billy Bitch Knees was like, let's not get too confident after
being up two games to none
and seeing all those meathead Celtics fans walking.
Not saying all Celtics fans are meatheads.
I mean the drunks that walk up to the cameras after the game's over going four
and four.
Guess what? They were right.
What a surprise. I'm always, I used to be right.
Before I had kids and I got busy, I used to be right about sports a lot.
I cannot remember. Oh, wait a minute.
I beat the book this year against the spread in football.
So I did all right there.
But I did lose to Verzi. Verzi did better than me.
But I remember after game two, I was saying that, you know, I don't know.
We came out, we had sunglasses on for the fucking, the after party there with
the press.
And I just saw that look on Kevin Durant's face and he had, he had that Marvin
Gaye red knitted hat on.
And I was just going like, I just don't think that these guys think,
are thinking the way those Celtics fans are saying in four.
But it turns out those meathead Celtic fans were right.
And old man Billy was wrong once again.
Once again, I was wrong.
So I'm looking forward to the Celtics because, you know, beyond the fact,
obviously,
I want to see him win another championship.
I'm also looking forward to, you know, when we play the Bucs,
I'm assuming they closed out the Bulls.
I didn't see the score, but I'm looking forward to the long-awaited rematch,
the grudge match return from that, that, that, uh,
Grayson Allen, two flagrant fouls in the summer league game
against one of the nicest guys in the NBA, Grant Williams.
I mean, that guy can, just cannot get a fucking call.
And that guy is just completely, I don't know what, all of a sudden he's
hitting every three-pointer he takes.
He's playing a great game and Grayson Allen has cleaned up his game, but we'll
see what happens.
You know, everybody's going to be talking about, uh, uh, the Greek freak, Antetokounmpo,
right?
And everybody's going to be talking about Jalen, uh, Jalen Rosen, fucking, uh,
Jason Williams, right?
And all the Celtics, smart!
But I'm going to be watching Grant Williams.
Well, you watch Jalen Brown, as I almost called him, Jalen Rose.
Uh, fuck you, I got two kids under five.
I'm trying. The fact that I didn't know anybody's name is amazing.
Um, I'm going to be watching
the first time Grant Williams sets a screen
on Grayson Allen
to see what happens.
Does it reignite the fire?
You know?
It's one of the great NBA rivalries,
grudge matches that nobody talks about.
You know, you know, ESPN,
they don't have the nerve to talk about this type of stuff
the way I do.
Um,
anyway, I am back out here.
Uh, back out here in L.A.
I'm so psyched to be back out here with my family and all that.
I'm literally sitting around.
I just reached down.
I have a pacifier in my pocket.
You know?
I'm living the dad life here.
I was sitting on, for the ninth inning,
eighth and ninth inning,
my daughter was literally sitting on my chest.
Not on my lap.
She was sitting on my chest.
She thought it was funny
that I couldn't see the game.
And she was looking at her little iPad,
which I don't like.
I don't like the iPads
and all of that shit.
You know,
they fucking sit there
and they hold them like two feet away from them.
So we got a little stand
and it's like,
all right,
you can do this.
The kids are always like,
I don't want to do that.
You know?
I want to hold it like right up to my face.
And you sit there being like,
you're going to need glasses.
And they just,
they,
they,
they don't listen.
And it's the end of the day
and they wear you out.
And you know,
I don't know.
I don't know what.
I don't know if my,
my kids look at me
as much as I'm a dad
as I'm a jungle gym.
Because then my son comes in
and he's jumping on my shoulder
and stuff.
Old Billy's shoulders.
Old Billy,
old shoulders.
All right?
My rehab's,
you know,
my rehab's coming back here.
My rehab's coming back?
No,
my shoulders are coming back.
So I'm able to,
I bought this fucking thing
on the internet.
I got to give these guys a shout out,
but I don't know,
I don't know what the name is.
I'll do it on the Monday morning podcast.
I bought this thing
where it almost looks like
a medieval weapon.
That's the only,
my only knock against it
is the fact that it looks like
a medieval weapon.
I don't dare bring it to the airport
because they're like,
what the fuck's that?
When you start swinging around
and take over the plane?
No,
no,
I was,
I was born here.
I'm,
I'm happy here.
I'm not trying to ruin here.
I just have old shoulders.
They'll,
they'll just be like,
yeah,
whatever.
I'm from Massachusetts,
man.
I got a rotator cuff issue.
Tell it to the TSA,
fuck face,
right?
I know they're going to take it away from me.
So what it is,
is it's just a,
it's a handle
with a little cord
and then it comes with,
uh,
three different size balls,
ladies,
um,
and some gentlemen,
um,
and it works its way up
in weight
and all you do
is you hold,
you stand,
you have your shoulders down,
you hold it straight out,
you do 30,
you're just
moving your wrist,
but somehow this helps
the rotator cuff
and I can tell you
my rotator cuffs feel great.
You do 30 clockwise
with both hands straight,
arms straight out,
as if you were beginning
to be a Nazi
and then thought better of it.
You only go like,
you only go,
you only go,
uh,
straight,
straight up,
okay?
You don't go,
you go Sieg,
you don't get to the Heil part,
you just do a Sieg,
no,
the Sieg's to the chest,
right?
If I got my hate group
shit down right,
um,
you just don't go up,
all right?
Whoever has this product
is so happy
that I don't know
the name of it
as I'm tying the Nazis
into this
and then you go,
you rest
and then you do
the same position
and then you go,
uh,
you go 30 clock,
a counterclockwise.
You rest again,
um,
and then you do it
at like a 45 degree angle,
same thing,
you know,
hand at the shoulder
and then you do it
all the way out to the side,
clockwise,
counterclockwise
in each position.
So it's a total
of like 12 reps,
three different positions
on each side.
And,
uh,
I gotta tell you,
you do it 10 days
with each one of the bulls there,
and each ball
gets a little bigger there
and a little heavier
and you gradually
work your way up
and I gotta tell you,
it's been helping me out.
I've been going to the gym,
I'm doing the lat pulldowns,
everything's fine.
I'm doing that one
that everybody does
the exercise wrong,
you know,
the one where you lean forward,
it's almost like
you're rowing a boat
and you get those people,
they just grab onto it
and they're just rocking
back and forth
like they're going up
the Chow's River,
right?
All they're doing,
I don't know what they're working,
it's like their lower back.
The amount of people
that do that exercise wrong,
myself included,
you're supposed to feel it
between your shoulder blades,
the bottom of your trapezi there,
which I learned
because I have 80 shoulders
because all I did
was bench curl
and fucking tries
for upper body
and shoulders.
We just did like
the military press
and my shoulders
rotated forward
and that's why
I have the problem,
so I'm trying to get
my shoulders to come back,
you know what I mean?
so I'm not caving in
on myself,
all right?
So the one-man thrill ride
won't eat a bowl of cereal
out of my chest.
Anyway,
and I got another thing here
that I want to
bring to your guys' attention.
If you can help out,
do you like helping out
fellow Americans?
Steve Simone,
great comedian
and one of the great
just people
he's always helping
people out.
Well,
there's a family
that was going
through some stuff
a year and a half ago
and some comics
got together
and we were able
to help him out,
you know,
and unfortunately
one of their kids
is going through
something right now
is suffering from PLE,
which I was looking that up.
I don't know what it is.
They're trying to raise
15 grand
to help this kid out.
They got five and a half
grand at this point.
I'm going to donate
some money.
It's a GoFundMe.
Monique Esparza
is organizing
this fundraiser.
So I imagine
that's the mother
of somebody
and the kid's name
is Maceo.
So I'm going to post
the GoFundMe
to my Twitter.
If you can throw
a couple of shekels
that way,
that would be awesome.
Yeah,
you know,
help some people out
instead of screaming
at somebody
on the internet tonight.
Let's say we do that.
If we're in the mood,
if not,
if you're not in the mood,
you want to go on Facebook
and argue politics.
You know what's
fucking hilarious?
What I've been doing
lately on Instagram
is,
you know,
that's stupid
self-help shit.
You know what I mean?
Like,
where they're just like,
you know,
the lion isn't
the fastest animal.
He's not the strongest animal
and he's not
the smartest animal.
But when he walks
into an area,
everybody shuts
the fuck up,
right?
And everybody underneath
in the comments
is just like,
this!
Amazing!
I need to remember this!
It's like,
first of all,
that just sounds like,
you know,
you're going to live
your life like a
Suge Knight type of guy.
You know what I mean?
You can fucking put
your cigar out
on people's foreheads.
That doesn't sound
like you're going to be
like a nice,
empathetic person.
Anyway,
so these stupid
self-help things.
Somehow,
when I was in New York,
I was talking to
Rachel Feinstein,
fucking hilarious comedian,
and we've been joking around.
So I've been sending her those
and we just sort of
make fun of them.
But because
I keep
sending them
to her,
they think that
Instagram thinks
that I like this shit.
You know what I mean?
Like,
if you click on guitars,
if you click on
fitness models,
air quote,
fitness models,
gym whores,
this is a good exercise
for your abs.
Oh yeah,
do you have to do it
in a thong?
You're working your abs?
Why are you bending over?
You know what the worst
thing about that is
you look at
one of those things,
one of them,
the next fucking time
you hit that
magnifying glass,
there's going to be like
nothing but asses
in your face.
And then your wife's
looking at you like,
it's like,
I clicked on one
of them.
I mean,
what am I supposed
to do here?
She's putting it
in the camera.
So anyway,
I've been clicking
on those stupid
self-help ones.
I bet I can find
one right now.
I hope it won't
click off my
recording.
It probably will here.
No,
it still seems like
it's on.
Let me see
if I can find one.
Oh,
find one that I sent.
They're so fucking
dumb.
Half of them,
they're not even
like self-help.
And of course,
nothing's loading.
Where the hell?
Okay,
here we go.
This is just going
to be,
all right,
let me see here