Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-22
Uploaded: 2022-05-05T19:29:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-05. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. What's going on,
man?
How's your week going? I hope it's going fantastic. My week's going fucking
great. I just had
my last stressful gig of the year. All right. Now the rest of them, I can just
fucking have
a good time and try not to get tackled while I do my shit jokes. I like that.
People are
saying, do you think you're worried now? Do you think it's good? Are you
worried as a comedian
that things are going to happen? It's like, no, these crazy people only seem to
be attacking
black comedians in Los Angeles. All right. Now I am in Los Angeles, but I am as
well.
White is a bed sheet. All right. And I'm proud of that. And you can't take that
away from
me or else that's reverse something or other. I think it's a double standard.
Um, why can't
I be proud of my alabaster legs? God knows I pay for it every summer. Dude,
look how fucking
white your legs are. I realize that. Dude, your legs could be president. Um,
anyway, so last
night I had to host a show for Netflix. Um, I hosted this show during the, you
know, they're
having the big Netflix comedy festival out here, which has been fucking amazing.
All of
these comedians that I've been running into, it's been such a great time. You
know, when
lunatics aren't, you know, charging up at the stage, Jesus Christ, did they
fuck that guy
up? I think he has mental issues. So there's a part of me aside from the weapon
that I actually,
I saw the sadness in his eyes, but Jesus Christ, his fucking arms look like,
you know,
you guys ever see toy story, what Sid does to his toys. That's what his arms
look like. It was just,
uh, I don't know. That kid needs help. I hope he gets help. I hope he does. But,
um,
anyways, shout out to the cunts that still brought their cell phones in and
still filmed. It's just
fucking ridiculous, man. And you just can't do a show without somebody filming
it on some level.
Um, I don't know. Put your cell phones in the bags and just sit there like
adults. Is that so
fucking hard? No, man. I got to film it, man. I got to get likes, man. I got to
get some friends on my
fucking account, man. Um, but then again, we also don't build anything in this
country anymore.
Not true. U-turn turntables, headstrong amplifiers, marijuana. All right. We do
make things in this
country. You just got to go out and you got to go find it. Um, you know, I was
going to buy one of
those U-turn turntables. My mother-in-law already bought herself a turntable.
So I don't know what
I do. I, I, what to do. I talk shit saying I was going to give them some
business. So first person
that emails me and says they want a, uh, U-turn turntable, give me the, uh, the
color and all of
that. Go pick it out. I'll buy it for you. I'll send it to you. Uh, and then
you go play your
records and you, you shut up your face. How about that? Oh, look at Billy,
Billy Christmas over here.
Did somebody have his last TV taping of the night of the, of the year? And now
he can just
fucking just go do his shit, go out on the road, huh? Hiding in an edit bay
during the
day, doing my shit jokes at night. I mean, you wouldn't know by listening to,
dare I say,
the music in my voice right now that, uh, the Bruins dropped the second game to
the Hurricanes,
got fucking manhandled again. You know, I'll tell you right now, we have all
the finesse in the
world, but come this time of year, uh, we, we got to get it. We got to get some
more, you know,
Adam McQuaids, the, the Lou Cheeches, the fucking all the way out through our
history.
That is the identity of our hockey team. And we listened, we listened to the NHL
commissioner
saying that they wanted to get that out of the game. And for some reason we
listened and nobody else
did. And now we're getting manhandled in the fucking playoffs. And I got to
tell you,
as a guy who can barely skate backwards, I'm getting sick of it.
Okay. We got some fucking, as far as goal scorers, we got some fucking pipe hitters
out there.
Marshawn, Pasta, Bergeron, Taylor Hall, Charlie Coyle. We need somebody to
fucking open up the ice,
man. I, I, I don't, you know, I ran to a Canadians fan last night and he was
all excited that they,
they shut the bed and came in last because I guess it's a decent draft. And for
half a second,
I was actually going like, ah, fuck the Canadians are going to get good. It's
like,
I don't give a fuck if they get a finesse player. We have finesse players. We
need a couple guys on
the team to keep the other people in line so our guys can go out and do what
they do. Cause there
is no fucking reason we should be losing to the Carolina hurricanes. I mean,
that is basic. I mean,
they are basically, yeah, I mean, they should play at a mall. Carolina is not a
fucking hockey city.
Well, I guess it's a state, right? That's not a hockey state.
They like basketball down there. They don't even like the pro game.
They like the college games. Why? Why do people in North Carolina like college
hoops? I'll tell you
why. Because it's at the collegiate level. The athletes don't get paid. They're
predominantly black
and it reminds them of how they originally made money in that state. Hot take.
I said it. No,
I'm kidding. Um, they actually supported the hell out of, uh, the Charlotte
Hornets. And then something
happened with the owner. He did something that was so disgusting. The entire
state just said,
buddy, why don't you just take your fucking franchise, go on a little walk and
go down to
that filthy city, New Orleans. Okay. There's a reason God put that city
underwater. All right.
Cause he's got to clean it out every couple of years with the hurricane. Bill,
what is going on
with you? I don't know. I'm just trying to make jokes here. That's all. Um, I
love New Orleans.
You know, if ever I was going to live in a city and die of a heart attack, New
Orleans would be the
place. You know what I mean? Just fry everything. Once every three weeks, there's
a shipment of
vegetables at the supermarket. And if you're not standing in line, like you're
waiting for fucking
Rolling Stone tickets in the 1970s, you're not going to get any. All right.
That's basically it.
And you're just going to go have a po' boy sandwich or some shit with a
delicious beer. Um,
I will say this about New Orleans. Uh, if you are a tourist, do not go to Bourbon
street. That is the
time square. Every town has their time square where it's just a bunch of jerk
off tourists
puking on each other and some shady locals pickpocketing people in New Orleans.
That
is Bourbon street. You got to stay away from that. Bourbon street is for young,
dumb people
that want to take their tits out, both male and female. Okay. Other than that,
you stay the
fuck out of there. You, you figure something else. I don't know what to tell
you, but anyways,
there. So the, uh, Charlotte Hornets moved to New Orleans and became the New
Orleans Hornets. And then
they're like, this doesn't make any sense. Let's call them the Pelicans, which
I actually like
because the second I heard it, I said, that sounds like a minor league baseball
team. And I, and my cab
driver, when I was in New Orleans said, you know what? There was actually a, uh,
a minor league baseball
team here at one point named the Pelicans. I think that's what he said. I think
he said baseball.
So that made me feel smart, you know, as someone who doesn't read, um, anyway.
Yeah. So it's been
really hard. I'll be, I'm going to be honest. There's a part of me that loves
the Carolina Hurricanes
because I miss the Hartford Whalers. So at least the franchise still exists.
And I, I hope at some
point Hartford gets another franchise, but I don't know. There's so many
fucking hockey teams right
there, but it worked in the past, you know, I don't know. You can't just wedge
one more in there.
It's fucking great. And then that'll be an instant rivalry with the Bruins
because people can drive
to each other's stadium. I don't, I don't understand what the problem is, but
yeah. Um, so that's it.
Celtics are one, one, both teams a little banged up. We didn't have Marcus
Smart and I didn't realize
the Bucks were missing a couple of people. So we'll see how that goes. Uh, that
series looks like
it's going at least six or seven. Gee, Bill, you're going out on a limb there.
Now that the series is
one-to-one, do you really think it's going to go six? Yes, I do. Um, and what
else? And then the
Bruins are just getting fucking manhandled, but we are going back. Take your
way back.
Boo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. We're going back to Boston. Going back to Miami.
Going back to Boston.
And, uh, yeah, we're shipping up to Boston and we lost our legs or whatever
that fucking song is.
Uh, so hopefully we can, uh, we can turn it around. This fucking guy parking
the car. He's like
hanging outside the window to make sure he gets between the lines. And that's
not his fault either.
My car's like that. Once they got these backup cameras, you sit so low in the
cock pit that,
you know, you got to start lining up the parking spot like 30 yards out. Um,
anyway. So I also like
Rod Brindamore, you know, he's sort of the Joe Girardi, I feel of, of the NHL,
where if you just
look at Rod Brindamore's face, you were like, you were a hockey player. You
just know. Well,
hockey players usually know because they have all those fucking cuts on their
face. The scars.
But, um, Joe Girardi's the same thing. If you didn't know anything about sports,
if you ever met
Joe Girardi, you'd be like, you are a major league catcher. It's just what you
look like. And you know,
some people just look like a fireman. Or look at me. Some people just look like
a jerk off. You're
just like, I don't know what that guy does, but he's fucking annoying when he
does it.
Um, just saw that guy get out of his car. He's a man of a certain age. You know
what I mean? He's
sort of keeping himself in shape. But, uh, you can tell he's got a couple of
kids, you know? So now
he wears a t-shirt and he has sort of an open button down that he throws over,
kind of like a jacket,
but it's really to hide his pooch. Oh, wait a minute. I'm looking in a mirror.
Oh God. I hate
myself. Well, there goes the music in my voice. Um, so anyways, the Red Sox
last night, I taped
the game. We fucking blew another one. Jesus Christ. Our fucking palooka
clothes are coming in.
I actually love the guy. I just want him to win. I just like how he walks in.
He makes me feel like
I don't need to go to the gym that day. I just love how out of shape you can be
and still be a
major league baseball pitcher. It's fucking amazing. You know, I love a CC Sabathia,
you know, and you
can also be a fat bastard on the field, but they stick you at first base. That
was the rule back in the
day, you know, which by the way, how much does it suck that they got, that they
added the DH rule
to the national league, you know, and baseball fans can complain, but we have
no one to blame but
ourselves. We stopped showing up. All right. And they looked at the other three
sports, the fucking
flashy sports, the action sports, the fast sports. And like, that's what people
like. They like action.
They want offense. When was the last time we really did well when everybody was
on steroids
and the Yankees had a dynasty? It was probably the steroids, believe it or not.
The steroids were
actually better for baseball than a Yankee dynasty. And a Yankee dynasty, I
hate to say it as a Red Sox
fan, is baseball history. I mean, how many dynasties? They had like a 30-year
dynasty.
And then they had one in the late 90s. But during that time, you know, what was
great about baseball
was you could go to the Milwaukee Brewers at County Stadium, you know, who
fucking gives a shit game.
You know, in the, you know, mid-May
And watch some guy you never even heard of go up to the plate looking like he
was in a Marvel fucking movie
and smash one over that keg of