Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-22
Uploaded: 2022-05-09T18:35:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-09. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 9th, 2022.
What's going on? How are you? Oh, yeah? Well, that's good. You don't say.
I am in a fucking awesome mood, all right, because I had my head in the oven
after the first two games.
Of the Carolina Bruins series, and I'm just like, they're too fast.
They're just beating us the whole fucking game. We lose the first game. We lose
the second game. We go up to Boston.
We're down 1-0 in game three. I'm like, are these fucking cunts going to sweep
us? Is this really going to happen?
And then all of a sudden, we've just been turning it on. I can't even say we've
been turning it on, but we somehow won the next two games.
Because I'll tell you, even like this last one, game four, I just felt like
they had the puck for the whole fucking game.
And somehow, somehow we won 4-2.
I'll tell you, though, that fucking last goal that we had, where it's a set
play, where Patrice Bergeron's taking the draw, of course, why wouldn't he be?
The second the ref drops the puck, Marchand starts breaking in behind Bergeron,
because it's Patrice Bergeron.
You know he's going to win the draw.
And as he's breaking in, Pasta is getting right in front of the goaltender on
the other side, skating backwards.
Bergeron wins the draw.
Right back between his legs.
Marchand picks it up, curls around, sends it right across before the defenseman
can figure out what's going on.
It's right on the tape for Pasta, and then it's in the back of the net.
It was a fucking thing of beauty, and it's what you expect from the perfection
line.
The perfection lines out there, perfection.
How many times were they going to say that during the broadcast?
Jesus Christ.
I know that's what they call it, but they usually say that Bergeron's with the
top line out there.
You know?
Their first line, their goal scores.
They always say, you know, in the newspaper, they call it the perfection line.
But during that broadcast, they just kept saying the perfection line.
It was kind of like driving me nuts after a while.
It was just like, dude, I get it.
I get it.
It's called the perfection line.
What I don't get is what's going on with my fucking phone right now.
I need to see that I'm still recording.
Am I still recording?
I am still recording.
All right.
So, anyways, the Bruins are somehow two to two with the Hurricanes,
who appear to be clearly more talented and faster than we are.
I was watching the game with my father-in-law, and we were down two to one.
And I was saying to him about halfway through the second period, it's like, I
know it's two to one.
It doesn't feel like two to one.
It feels like we're down like two, three goals here.
You know?
And then we did the cliche, but they're letting us hang around.
Right?
And then what was it?
Was it DeBrus?
Did DeBrus get the first one or the second one?
I don't know what.
I don't know what.
It was sort of a whirlwind.
And also, you know, it was Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day.
Belated Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.
So my wife was hanging upstairs watching her fun TV.
So I was downstairs with the kids and my father-in-law.
You know, watching the game and then also running around with them, having a
good time.
We made some Mother's Day cards for mom.
And then also, you know, it was great.
You know, it was fantastic was, you know, my wife loves a brunch.
You know, she loves getting dressed up, going out to go see the people and
everything like that.
You know me, okay?
Maybe you don't know me.
Maybe you think you know me.
Maybe I'm just so fucking arrogant that I'm just going to say, you know me.
I'm not into brunch.
You know what I mean?
You get dressed up.
It's hot out.
You're sweaty.
There's like fucking syrup and eggs.
And the whole thing is gross.
And you want to sit outside or inside?
Inside.
Okay, inside is going to be a 17-hour wait.
But I can stick you directly in the sun in six minutes.
And then everybody in my life has pigments.
So they all look to me.
And I don't want to, you know, because they know I have a need to be liked.
I just go, yeah, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
I'll, you know, put on my hat.
You know what I mean?
So then I'm sitting there in a suit wearing like a baseball hat.
So I look like the guy in Hollywood who just got a fresh pair of hair plugs.
And he's waiting for them to grow in.
And he doesn't have the confidence.
You know what I mean?
So we ended up over the, we went to a brunch and, yeah, we left and we ended up
going somewhere else where we could sit inside.
And it was fantastic.
That's my thing about brunch.
It's like, who doesn't love breakfast?
You know?
Who doesn't love lunch?
Who doesn't love combining the two of them and just being a fat American?
You know?
What is, what is the lunch part for though?
I guess that's for the people that go there that haven't had, that already had
breakfast.
You know?
There's always that person at the brunch, the one who already got the workout
in.
Just did a 5K and they need some fucking carbs.
And rather than just eating the carbs, they have to show up with the fucking
number still written on their arm from their 5K and that grease pencil.
You always see that number.
Right as you're fucking, you know, right as you're taking a big bite out of
like a fucking waffle or something.
You know?
Anyway, so.
But I actually was talking to my lovely wife and I think she's finally coming
around to understanding why I don't like going to brunches.
I'm trying to remember the last brunch that I went to where it wasn't
ridiculously hot.
It's just always fucking hot and you always end up outside.
And I just don't want to eat breakfast sitting in the blazing sun.
I mean, I don't think that's, you know, does that make me antisocial?
I don't think it does.
It somehow always gets framed that way.
Speaking of framed.
The Boston Red Sox, my God.
I'm still, I'm having so much fun watching them even though they just keep
losing.
It's like the fucking Bad News Bears.
We just lost.
We just got, we just got our asses kicked by a bunch of fucking God.
Whipped by a bunch of goddamn nerds.
We were playing the Chicago White Sox, okay?
We lost two out of three to the fucking Orioles.
We lost three straight to the White Sox.
We lost our sixth game in overtime.
Extra innings, whatever you call it.
We are 0 for 6.
All right?
And I know there's a lot of, you know, Trevor Story got booed when he went 0
for 4, four strikeouts.
People are getting down on him, okay?
Now, we could possibly be this bad, but I don't think we are.
I actually think we're getting all the disappointment out of the way.
Right now, as I'm recording this, we are in last place.
We're a half a game or a game behind the fucking Orioles.
Which it always pains me to see how bad that they've been for the better part
of fucking 30 years.
Because they were an institution when I was growing up.
As were the Pirates.
Those were winning franchises, if you can believe it.
But now that we're, you know, sort of the post-steroid era.
You know, luxury tax.
Big time free agents.
Everybody bouncing around.
They have not been able to keep up.
And I got to tell you, man.
I would love to see the Orioles get good again.
Just to hear that.
O-R-I-O-L-E-S.
I used to love that.
In 1979, I think that guy passed away.
That crazy fucking Yosemite Sam looking guy.
Used to stand up on the dugout and get everybody going.
They had fucking Eddie Murray and Doug DeSanche.
All of them.
I loved all those guys.
But anyway, we're in fucking last place.
But I feel like, you know, if Sale comes back and is even 80% of what he was,
that's huge.
We got a Valde.
So we kind of have a nice one-two punch there.
And if we could just start getting some walks and stop having the goddamn
opposing pitcher always all relaxed on the mound with, you know, no one on base.
Clean fucking slate.
You know?
Nobody taking a lead off a third in his peripheral if he's a righty, right?
I think we can start getting some wins.
So we'll see.
We'll see.
I hate to say this.
I do love that the Yankees are in first place.
Not because I like the Yankees.
Not because I like the Yankees.
It's because the Blue Jays were running their fucking beaks up there in Toronto
about, you know, hey, last year was the trailer.
This year's the movie.
Well, let me tell you something.
It's not performing too well, is it?
580.
I guess that's all right.
You know, what is the movie?
You almost win the division.
I decided I'm just going to give the Blue Jays shit all baseball season.
It'll be fun.
Even though I really like Toronto and I was all ready to jump on the Maple Leafs
bandwagon.
We were down 0-2.
I was like, all right, this looks like, if we're lucky, five-game series, and
then I'm just going to do what I do in the playoffs all the time.
Is I root for the Toronto Maple Leafs because they haven't won since 1967, yet
they sell out every fucking game and you cannot get a ticket.
I mean, that's the greatest fan base in hockey.
I mean, who else?
Name another fan base that could get kicked in the dick since Lyndon Johnson
was in office and they're still selling out.
It just doesn't happen.
So you have to respect that.
Anyway, and I'm happy for Joe Bartnick's Pittsburgh Penguins.
I don't know what they're doing today, but I know they're up 2-1 against the
Rangers.
I guess that wasn't supposed to happen.
I have no idea.
All right, let's get on to some.
And the Celtics lost a heartbreaker, you know, great first half, Bucs destroyed
us in the third, and then we came back too little too late in the fourth.
But, you know, the Celtics have showed that they can play with them.
I mean, both teams are a little banged up, but I don't know.
A lot less chirping from my friends who are Bucs fans that were fucking sitting
there talking like they were just going to come in and manhandle us.
So, but then again, if we lose, the next one will be down 3-1.
But I don't think we're going to.
I think we're going to fucking steal one out there.
But at some point, you know, if my math is correct, we're going to have to win
two in a row if we're going to take a series.
I'll tell you right now.
All right, let's talk the L.A. Forum.
I got to do a show there.
And we put the stage in the middle.
We did it in the round so it could be, you know, so that way nobody's that far
away.
Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody.
Hello.
Walking in.
I was just getting ready to start talking about the L.A. Forum show.
So I, before the show, I was mentioning to you guys that I was thinking about,
I don't even think I told it to you.
No, I don't think I said that on Thursday podcast.
I ended up calling up my drum teacher and friend, Dave Elitch, and he's been
way more of a friend in the last year because I've been so busy than a drum
teacher because I haven't had time to get over there.
And I was just telling him, I saw, you know, one of these goddamn prodigy kids
on Instagram just doing some insane 30-second note fucking gospel chop fill.
And it was just bugging me going, teach me one of those damn things.
Like, how come I can't hear those things?
How come, is it just because I'm old?
My brain's too slow.
Just never been able to rank.
I can get up to 16th note triplets.
Then I just get, I get tired, you know, after a certain tempo.
It's just like, well, what am I doing here?
Well, I don't want to start buzzsawing through all of this bullshit.
I mean, it's fun to do, I guess, if you can do it, but whatever.
So I call him up and I was trying to figure out when I would have time and I
just didn't have time.
And then it just hit me.
I was just like, well, listen, I'm down the forum.
You know, when you play the pace, you rent it and it's yours for the whole day.
It's literally yours.
So I go, you know, why don't we rent a couple of drum kits, set them up face to
face in the middle of that arena.
And he's like, you want to do, let's fucking do that.
So he called up a buddy of his and, and, you know, I didn't know what kind o