Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-22
Uploaded: 2022-05-16T19:14:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-16. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-16-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 16th, 2022.
Two, two, two, two, two. How's it going, man? How are you?
I am a tail of two cities. Tail of red titties over here for old freckles.
Two game sevens this weekend for the Boston sports fan.
Because you know what the deal is. We're always in it, man.
Sorry. Bad news first. The Boston Bruins lose to the Carolina Hurricanes,
formerly known as the Hartford Whalers.
I don't know. It was a great series. It went seven games and there were games
where we look like the better team.
And then games where they look like the better team. And it was a pretty hard-fought
series.
I thought, you know, at the end of the day, I did think Carolina was, you know,
faster, more skilled, better team or whatever.
But the fact that we took them seven games and scared the shit out of them
right to the very end.
You know, Bruins' team showed a lot of hats, so maybe, you know, they had a
couple of pieces and next year, who knows?
So I was happy. I still have a Bruins hoodie on today.
And then the good news, your Boston Celtics win another playoff series, win
another game seven and advance past the defending champion, Milwaukee Bucks.
Yeah, you know what? I got to be honest with you. I usually get nervous on a
game seven, but I saw the look on Jason Tatum's face.
After they went around the garden, they showed all the legends that were there.
I remember the last one they showed. We had Danny Ainge there, but he still
works for the team.
But Cedric Maxwell, Cornbread Maxwell was there from the famous 1981 team.
Get on my back. I'll carry you. He was there.
Did I see ML Carr? I don't know. I had kids running around me trying to get the
game on.
But I just saw the look on Tatum's face and I was just like, this guy is not
going to let us lose.
And I got to be honest with you. How about Grant Williams?
The guy I'm always talking about who can't get a fucking call to go his way.
First time ever in his Celtic career, he was the high scorer.
And the man does it in a game seven to close out the defending champion,
Milwaukee Bucks.
Peyton Pritchard was big down the stretch with a bunch of threes.
Al Horford played out of his mind this series.
Jalen Brown, Jalen Brown as always.
And I don't know, man.
I think, you know, we got as good a shot as the Heat do.
I know the Heat always have a good team, so I don't know anything about those
guys.
But I'm really excited.
You know what?
It sucks to be all the way out here in L.A.
when the Celtics and Bruins have a game seven.
The atmosphere in Boston must have been great.
But I will tell you one of the best things about the Celtics winning another
playoff series out here is right after they win, they go to the local, you know,
sports show that has former Laker great Michael Cooper on it.
And he hates the Celtics like no one I've ever seen.
And it was so awesome.
He just would not give it up to the Celtics.
He's like, oh, if they had Middleton, they had Middleton.
Yeah, you know, Bucs win this series and all this stuff.
And all he was talking about was how the Bucs blew it.
He didn't talk about the incredible game that the Celtics played or the
incredible series that they played.
You know, I mean, if he wants to talk about blowing something, we blew that.
Was that the game for we blew that one?
Was it game four?
Was it game three?
We had him one of those games and we let it slip away in the fourth quarter.
So, I mean, I don't know what he was talking about.
I just makes me so happy that he hates the Celtics and knowing that the Celtics
one is really bothering him.
Made it even, he didn't say, he didn't say one thing.
He's just like, oh, you know, if you're going to leave him open like that, I
mean, look, he's wide.
Oh, you can knock that down all day.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Is that how it is, Michael?
We'll see.
All right.
So, who knows?
Michael Cooper's not happy, which means the Celtics fans are, which is awesome.
We are advancing to the Eastern Conference Finals.
Very excited about that.
And the Red Sox actually won a series.
I think we took two out of three from the Rangers.
I missed all the games because I was on the road, but I was keeping track of
them.
And I saw that the Yankees finally lost.
And so I text Verza yesterday.
I'm like, dude, Yank, last time Yankees played, they played, they're playing
the Orioles today.
You got to fucking bury them.
You got to put a bet in.
He goes, they already won today.
I was like, fuck, that was the game.
That was the layup.
So, anyways, congratulations to the Boston Celtics and great, great year for
the Bruins.
I definitely think we're moving in the right direction.
We're always in there.
And I know we lost in the first round, but I'm still, you know, optimistic
about the direction that we're going in.
And also the fact that Tuka Rusk retired, so we had all new blood in goal, I
think we're doing all right.
All right, plowing ahead here.
I am still doing the intermittent fasting.
Intermittent fasting.
I haven't stepped on the scale.
I was $1.82 and a half last time I got on the scale.
I'd like to be 10 pounds lighter.
So, I've been doing that.
And I got to be honest with you, after like two days,
you just sort of settle into it.
It's not that big a deal.
Eight hours eating, 16 hours of not eating.
So, like right now, I haven't eaten yet.
Jeez, my kids are louder than hell today.
Let's see here.
Come on now.
I have, yeah, 13 hours, 29 minutes.
Oh, I have to go 16 hours.
So, I still have two and a half hours to go.
What?
Oh, yeah, it's 8 in the morning.
That's right.
I can eat around 10.
Oh, Jesus.
But you know what?
It's been good for like no late night eating, which is huge,
especially when you're on the road and you're depressed.
You know, I miss my wife.
I miss my kids.
Let's see here.
I guess I could talk about the friggin' trip I just had.
Amazing trip.
I did Sacramento, Fresno, and Oakland, California.
And I went out with Dean Del Rey.
And he's from up there.
So, he was excited to get back up there.
And we just sort of walked around like every town.
Like, the first day I flew up to Sacramento,
landed day of the show.
So, I kind of sequestered myself in the hotel room, right?
And went out and did the shows.
The first show, my God, Lunatics.
Lunatics first.
Not lunatics.
It was just like three or four lunatics.
I had a debate with the guy about Tom Brady deflate gate.
This is in Sacramento, California in fucking, what is it?
It's in May of 2022.
So, I effortlessly shut him the fuck up
once I told him the whole fucking details of that goddamn case.
And then also, I asked him what he was.
And he was a Raiders fan.
I'm like, oh, the Raiders.
What is your motto?
If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying.
Shut the fuck up.
Imagine a Raider fan bringing up cheating.
Just imagine that.
Oh, those fucking babies.
And they talk about the tuck rule.
And of course, oh, that fucking roughing the passer in 1976.
Ain't no fucking problem with that one.
That one that helped him go to the Super Bowl.
That and the fact that Franco Harris and Rocky Blyer
both went down in the same game.
Yeah, all those three, they don't, you know, none of that shit.
No thanks to the Steelers.
Well, that's actually a bad example.
That's just an injury.
But literally, shit fucking call.
Gave the Raiders the game in 1976.
A shit fucking rule.
At least ours was a rule.
It's a stupid rule.
I don't agree with it.
I think it's a fucking fumble.
And a Raider fan will then say,
we'll just pinch that part out there
and ignore the roughing the passer rule.
Anyway, then I was talking about abortion.
And some woman brought up, you know, rape babies.
You know, then I got into that debate.
And then that topic's on the table.
And that's my job.
Now I have to riff about rape babies.
Thanks a lot, lady, acting like you were at the fucking Senate
or wherever the hell it is that they passed laws in this country.
And then I had somebody else over on the, uh, I don't know what they were.
I don't know.
I'm putting together a new hour.
And whenever I put together a new hour, I'm like heavily trashing women.
I don't know why this happens.
I think because I don't have any material, I go into a defensive mode.
So the old index finger's pointing at everybody else and not myself.
So, you know, it is what it is.
Eventually, by the time I shoot my special, I'm pointing more at myself.
It becomes a more balanced hour and 15 minutes.
But right now, I'm going to tell you, we're a little fucking top heavy.
And this weekend when I go to Florida, yes, you can look forward to that.
Although I don't think it's, uh, I don't think I'm considered misogynistic in
Florida.
I think I'm considered wholesome and have ham family values.
I don't know how it works down there.
I don't pretend to understand Florida.
I mean, when you're a state that actually confuses people,
even you confuse the rest of the South.
When the rest of the South is going, hey, you might want to dial it back a
little there.
I mean, you know, you're getting after it.
And, you know, I don't fault the people of Florida.
Okay, if every time I walked out to my mailbox,
I have to, like, look for a body of water
where literally a dinosaur could come out of it,
chomp on my leg and start doing death rolls
as he spins my leg out of my fucking hip socket.
You know?
I'll also fuck it up a brand new pair of Wranglers.
You know, I don't need that shit.
I don't need that shit.
I mean, that's just, that's insanity.
By the way,
condolences, you got to do this every year,
to Toronto Maple Leaf fans.
Somebody sent me the funniest fucking picture
and I couldn't post it just because it's just like
Maple Leaf fans go through enough.
You know those two guys that carry out the cup every year
wearing white gloves?
Somebody photoshopped the Stanley Cup out of the photo
and put a golf bag that was in the Toronto Maple Leafs colors
with the Maple Leaf insignia.
Oh, my God.
Brutal.
By the way,
very quietly,
because it is,
you know,
hockey
and no one really pays attention to it,
very quietly,
the Tampa Bay Lightning are going for a three-peat.
When was the last time somebody won three Stanley Cups in a row?
Well, boy, boy, howdy, I'll tell you.
That was when,
that was the 80, 81, 82, 83.
82, 83.
81, 82, 83.
Yeah, that was the last time someone won three in a row
and that team actually won four in a row
from 1980 to 1983.
The New York Islanders
with the late, great Mike Bossy
won four in a row.
Won four in a row.
But no one has won three in a row since then.
There's been people winning back-to-back.
Like Edmonton won back-to-back
in 84, 85, 87, 88.
Who else?
The Penguins won 91, 92.
Detroit won like 97, 98.
Then it gets foggy for me.
Brain gets older and I don't remember.
I want to say the Penguins,
did they go back-to-back in the 2000s or 2000 teens?
I can't remember.
I don't know, but it's been a while.
It's been a long fucking time
since old Freckles was 15 years old.
Since the last time somebody won three Stanley Cups in a row.
And I got to tell you,
now that the Maple Leafs are,
because once the Bruins lose,
I root for the fucking Maple Leafs.
You know what I mean?
You got to do it.
They're the greatest fans in sports.
And I don't think you can argue it
considering I'm going to be 54 years old next month
and the fucking Maple Leafs
have not won it in my lifetime.
And these guys are like
still selling out every single game
and it's the hardest ticket to get.
You have to literally go up there
and go scalp tickets.
I know somebody, you know,
that was working for the NHL network
and I said,
hey, I'm in Toronto.
Can you get me tickets?
He goes, dude,
I have a hookup with every single city
except that one.
You can't get it.
Even the NHL can't get them.
You got to stand outside and scalp tickets.
I mean,
you would think that they would,
they were winning a cup
every other year out there.
54 years.
And this is what fascinates me
is the Rangers,
their drought was fro