Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-22
Uploaded: 2022-05-25T17:41:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-25. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May fucking 23rd, dude!
May 23rd. Oh, look at this, and I'm back. I have a little, I got a new mixer. I'm
sitting in a chair.
I'm upright. I got a microphone. And I have things that I need to say.
I really don't, other than I had, like, one of the best fucking weekends of
stand-up I've had in my 30 years of going on stage and talking about my fucking
freckled cock.
As I've talked about my spotted ball bag over the years, I've seen a lot of
change.
Some of it good, some of it bad, and I am here to bring back the good.
And if elected, I will make this white town even whiter.
Build the wall! Build the wall!
Fucking lunatics. Why are people into politics? I don't understand it.
I don't understand it. Why can't you just fucking shut the fucking news off?
The news.
Do you watch the news?
I watch 24 hours of news.
Fucking brainwashed idiot.
Oh, I wish we were all smart like you, Bill.
Yo, I do too! Huh? I do too!
Anyway, I was in Tampa, Florida, as opposed to Ohio.
I'm guessing there's a Tampa in Ohio.
They have a Miami, Ohio.
Why wouldn't they have a Tampa or a Sarasota?
Lake Okeechobee.
And then I was down in West Palm Beach.
Both the places I performed at were amphitheaters.
And the first day, I get to Tampa, right?
I took a red eye out there with Forrest Shaw and, you know, there's a red eye.
The next day, you fucking wake up.
You feel all banged up and all of that shit.
It's weird.
You feel like you went out boozing and you didn't because it's a deceivingly
short flight.
At least it is for me because I'm used to flying diagonally across the country.
So it takes at least five, you know, six hours or whatever, unless you got some
psycho tailwind.
Then you just realize it's only four hours to Atlanta.
You just go straight across another fucking half hour and you're in Tampa.
So, anyway, we end up landing out there and my new vice is I went out and I got
a cup of coffee.
And I'm fucking hanging out and it's hot as fucking hell.
Florida hot.
Tropical hot.
You know, Vietnam.
It's America's Vietnam.
Florida is America's Vietnam, okay?
It's fucking as humid as possible.
The biggest bugs I've ever seen in my fucking life.
And I'm just sitting there, you know, I'm not going to lie to you.
I was excited to be in Tampa because, ladies and gentlemen, they are about to
go.
They're going to win three cups in a row.
They just, I just think they're going to do it.
I don't know why.
Maybe because they won two in a row.
I just feel like they're going to do it.
I feel like they, although I didn't realize the Edmonton Oilers also had
Patrick Kane.
I mean, that's a, that's a pretty formidable line, but I just think they're
going to do it.
Anyway, so I was sitting out there, you know, drinking coffee and shit.
And, you know, Florida, what do they call it?
A sunny place for shady people.
These fucking homeless people, so goddamn friendly.
They're driving around.
They're riding by on bikes.
They're like, hey, how you doing?
And, you know, I'm a friendly guy.
I'm like, I'm doing good, right?
Then you start thinking like, okay, now what do I owe that guy now?
You know, because he said hello to me and I said hello back.
It's like prison.
You go to prison.
If some guy offers you some food, don't, don't fucking accept it because now
you owe him something.
And he's going to come back for payment in whatever form of, I don't know what.
It always involves your fucking anal cavity.
Ah, shit.
Anyway, so we were sitting out there.
We had a great fucking time.
I met some people.
I invited them out to the show.
But it was hot as balls.
And I'm like, oh, my God.
This reminds me when I used to do the Comedy Connection gig down in fucking Newport,
Rhode Island.
In that fucking tent.
And it would be hot as fucking hell.
And I would go up there.
I'm a professional.
I wear long sleeves when I'm on stage for the most part.
I just do.
All right?
There's something about showing your arms.
It just seems like you're just, you're wearing a t-shirt up there.
What am I doing?
Did I come here to fucking, you know, do one of those fall cleanups on your
front and back yard?
Or am I here to be a professional comedian?
For some reason, I feel like a professional comedian, you have to have long
sleeves.
So anyway, as luck would have it, it fucking rains out.
And it just cools the whole place down.
There's this ridiculous breeze.
And I have a brand new button-down shirt.
I'm all excited.
I think it's a nice color to wear on stage.
You know?
I don't have a care in the fucking world.
I've gotten through the first edit of this movie.
Now it's getting easier.
Instead of doing six minutes a day, you can do like 12 to 15.
And each time, you can fucking crank a little faster.
And then you add music.
And it's exciting.
My life's getting exciting, man!
And then I'm fucking sitting there waiting to go on four shots, fucking killing.
And I don't know what happened.
I opened one of those liquid deaths without even thinking.
I didn't realize it was full, full.
I just fucking, right before I went up, I just literally just didn't even make
it to my mouth.
I just dumped it all over my shirt and my lap.
And you know the deal.
When you spill liquid on your lap, it always lands right at the tip of your
dick.
So it looks like you just pissed yourself, right?
So I fuck up my whole shirt.
I have to put on a t-shirt and go out there not wearing long sleeves, breaking
my rule of being a professional comedian.
But I got to tell you something.
When I went out there, there was this cool breeze the entire show coming off
the water.
I was joking around.
I felt like I was in a fucking tampon commercial, right?
Just feeling fresh and invigorated and all of that.
And it was just a great show.
And then the next day, we fly down to Miami.
I get another cup of coffee, right?
I smoke a little cigar out on the balcony.
And then I go for a fucking walk around the marina.
It's hot as balls.
And I go, it's Florida.
It's going to fucking rain again.
It's going to rain again.
And then it's going to cool off.
It's going to be great.
And this time, I'm not spilling any water on my shirt.
Well, guess what?
Everything that I said happened except for the rain.
It never happened.
And it was still fucking hot as shit.
And whenever it's sticky like that, I always think muggy.
Remember that Greg Giraldo bit, rest his soul?
Having the Mexican guy doing the weather.
You know, hot, muggy.
Good day to cross the river.
Remember that?
I can't say muggy without saying muggy.
Certain people's bits just get stuck in your head is what I'm saying.
It's like a song.
I hope that made sense.
Anyway, so I go on stage.
And now I'm wearing the shirt that I spilt water on the night before.
But it's water, so it's fine.
And I go out there.
And it was just hot as fuck.
I didn't even realize it.
I got off stage.
I looked at the back of the shirt.
It looked like I helped somebody move a three-bedroom apartment.
The whole back was all fucking, all wet.
It was fucking disgusting.
But the crowd was awesome.
Both shows was fucking awesome.
And it was such a thrill.
I've never headlined an amphitheater.
I've done stand-up in them a couple of times way back in the day on tours with
bigger acts or a whole bunch of big acts or something like that.
And I was going on like third or whatever.
But I'd never gone out and headlined one.
And it took me back to going to Great Woods in 1986, I want to say.
I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw tour.
And I saw Rodney Dangerfield with Jeff Nelson opening.
The Weather Girls opened up for Eddie Murphy.
And I saw them at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts, which I now think is
called the Tweeter Center or some shit like that.
And it was fucking amazing.
I was like, wow.
I have not been to a stand-up show or headlined a stand-up show or one of these
things ever.
And this was like, this was the venue that I, when I went and saw Stand Up Live
for the first time that summer.
Um, I don't know if I made the decision to be a comedian, but it was definitely
a moment in my life where I was like, can you imagine getting to do that?
I'll tell you what else was.
I saw that same, in that same venue.
One time I saw that, uh, what is that band?
Da-da-da-da-da-da-ba-ba-ba.
Back at Carousel.
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
Tempted by the fruit of another.
Remember that?
What was it?
I saw them.
They opened for, uh, I think Fleetwood Mac or something.
Yes, it was one of the whitest crowds you've ever seen in your life.
Oh, yeah, dude.
Some of the, I saw some of the whitest shows ever.
I had a free ticket to fucking, uh, John Cougar Mellencamp, uh, which is great
because I got to see Kenny Aronoff, which is why I was there.
I was literally there to watch Kenny Aronoff fucking lay down those grooves all
night.
That's why I went there.
And then the, but anyway, I, I saw that band.
It's a great song too, whatever that song is.
Um, and whoever their drummer was, it wasn't their original drummer.
It was a hired gun.
And this guy was fucking killing it.
Absolutely killing it.
Fucking, you know, both arms looked like he was, he was like doing that breakdance
move.
Like, like, uh, whatever the fuck you call that, where they pass it from one
side of their body to the other.
You know what I mean?
Doing that molar shit.
But it was effortless.
Fucking effortless.
He had a big smile on his face.
Like, just absolutely killing it.
I could not stop fucking watching him.
So, um, I saw Stevie Ray Vaughan there.
I saw a lot of shit there, man.
So, uh, to actually be able to come back and do an amphitheater.
So, this is my long way of saying thank you to everybody for, uh, who came out
this, this past weekend.
And, uh, you know what?
I'm using this whole new fucking device and I have no idea how much time I've
done.
Now, there's no timer on this thing?
Bar 337.4?
What the fuck does that mean?
All right, what do you guys think I've done here?
This feels about seven or eight minutes maybe, right?
We'll say seven minutes.
So, that means I started at 7.23.
So, I got to go to 8.23.
See, people?
I'm punching a clock, too.
I'm punching a clock, too.
Hey, I'll tell you who isn't punching a fucking clock right now is your Boston
Red Sox.
Huh?
Everybody getting down on them.
Oh, they're doing this.
They're doing that.
Trevor Story.
Literally getting a Bronx cheer.
The man got booed.
I mean, the man made a lot of money and the man was not producing.
And the man was playing in Boston.
So, the guy's going to get booed.
So, he got fucking booed.
Well, guess what he did this weekend?
Huh?
Fucking guy this weekend hit five home runs.
Had 13 RBIs and seven runs scored.
And the Boston Red Sox are on a five-game winning streak.
And I could not be happier.
I've been keeping an eye on it.
You know, I'm missing everything because I'm out here fucking working my ass
off.
I'm very excited about that.
I can't believe how into baseball I am this year.
I think it's because I went to that Red Sox game early on this year.
And I immediately, it just, you know, after the pressure of the pregame shit
was over.
And then I was just sitting there eating a fucking hot dog and I was keeping
score.
I was just like, this is fucking awesome.
I wish I lived back in Boston and I could walk to the park.
You know, and I wish they had more day games for old guys like me.
And I could just keep score.
And they would just let me smoke.
I mean, David Ortiz has these little fucking cigars, man.
They're called firecrackers.
If you get them, you got to get them.
The size of like dog walkers, right?
You just go out in the street.
You walk down the street.
You have a couple of puffs.
Think about your life.
You have a good time.
You know, you're not hurting anybody.
It's a fucking great thing.
It really is a great thing.
I don't understand what the fuck happened.
You know what it was?
It was those goddamn cigarette smokers.
You know what I mean?
Smoking a cigarette is not an eve