Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-2-22
Uploaded: 2022-06-02T18:05:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-2-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-2-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-02. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-2-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and this is my fifth attempt.
I'm gonna say 15th to exaggerate, but it's really my fifth attempt to do this
fucking podcast, and I could effortlessly, effortlessly just talk about what
the fuck just happened to me, but I'm in a different place in my fucking life
right now, so I can't do it.
Well, I'm gonna fucking tell you the story one of these days.
Oh, my God. I just have to wait till enough fucking time goes by, and I will
tell the story, and I will tell it, and no one's gonna fucking know.
It's one of the disadvantages of, one of the few disadvantages of doing what I
do for a fucking living is you can't fucking experience something that sucked,
and then that night, go on your podcast and say that
it sucked in a vague way, because people would know what the fuck. Someone will
figure out, you know,
oh, I fucking saw him fucking walking around, and they figure out what the fuck
you're talking. I don't want to bring any fucking grief to somebody, but Jesus
Christ.
Jesus fucking Christ. I know. Can that be any more vague?
Anyway.
Anyway, I don't, like, like, this is gonna hang over my fucking head for this
whole fucking episode, but anyway, the NBA finals, finals start tomorrow.
It's the Stanley Cup final, but if you say it's the Stanley Cup finals, there's
always some douche from Canada that's gotta be like,
it's the Stanley Cup final. There's only one of them. Well, explain that to the
fucking NBA.
Somebody, please explain to me the NBA, and I'm now gonna sit there.
I'm gonna watch the NBA finals, plural. I believe I'm gonna watch it on mute,
because I'm just under a lot of stress right now trying to get my fucking,
this thing fucking edited, and the last thing I need is to watch these stupid-ass
fucking referees dictating the goddamn pace,
you know, and doing everything they can to make sure it goes seven, and all of
that shit.
Everything that anybody with half a fucking brain knows that they're doing.
You know what I mean? Just keep it competitive. Keep the game close, and then
we'll let them play at the fucking end,
and then, you know, who gives a fuck who wins? If it's fucking close, that's
great.
Who cares if we fuck somebody out? I know. I just, you know, but it's, you know,
it's a Boston team,
so I have to sit there and watch it. My left foot is literally twitching right
now, you know?
This is how much I hate the fucking NBA, that as much as I was excited that the
Celtics were going to the finals,
my next thought was, fuck, now I have to watch it, okay?
And I gotta watch these fucking idiots every time somebody takes a three-pointer,
sticking their fucking three fingers up in the air.
Why are they doing that?
You know why they're doing that?
For the worst fucking reason an adult could ever do something, because
everybody else is doing it.
What are you, fucking five years old? You stupid fucking cunt.
Put your fucking hand down.
You know, when a fucking adult's gonna boo all of the horseshit that goes on
the second there's a stoppage of play?
Like, I don't fucking get it. Like, you're watching some of the greatest
athletes on the fucking planet.
Isn't that enough?
You know, it's gonna turn into the Barnum Bailey fucking circus, a bunch of
tumblers going out there.
And, like, I don't need a fucking DJ to fucking teach me how to fucking cheer
or turn it into, like, a dance party.
I'm at a basketball game. You don't need to fucking multitask here.
Everybody clap your hands every five fucking seconds.
How about I clap my hands when I'm watching the fucking game?
What am I clapping my hands about?
Ah, this has nothing to do with that.
It has to do with what the fuck happened to me tonight, and I gotta get it off.
Oh, I gotta get it off my chest.
I don't want to, you know?
It's my wife's birthday week, so I'm gonna be, like, in a good mood.
But I was sitting there.
You know when you've just had it, and the person you're with knows you've had
it, right?
But you don't say you had it.
People ask you if you're all right.
You're like, I'm fine. I'm fine, right?
And you're just sitting there, and you're not looking at anybody, and your
eyebrows are up.
You know? You're just fucking staring at nothing, really.
And you're just counting down the seconds how much longer you're gonna have to
be in this fucking place
that you don't want to be in.
And people are coming up to you.
Is everything all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Okay.
Because you don't look fine.
Well, why don't you take the hint, then?
Why don't you take the fucking hint?
Obviously, I'm not fucking fine.
Then why are you saying you're fine?
Because I'm being a gentleman.
All right?
And you don't give a fuck that I'm not fine.
You're just fucking curious.
Because your life is so fucking boring, so you have something to talk about.
Oh, Jesus, Bill.
Oh, Jesus.
Mary and fucking Joseph.
Do you know I went somewhere the other fucking day?
And I couldn't finish my food.
And I asked if they could put it in, like, a box or whatever.
And the woman came back, and she just handed me the box.
And I'm looking at her.
She goes, sorry, I can't put that in there because of COVID.
It's like, what, are you gonna wipe your nose with it?
It's your fucking hands.
I mean, one of the most brilliant fucking excuses now is it's because of COVID.
Check into a hotel.
Yeah, hey, there's no blankets on the bed.
Yeah, yeah, we can't.
The linen with COVID.
What am I supposed to do?
Did you bring a jacket?
Is the rum still gonna be the same amount of money?
Well, you know, actually, it's extra because we have to, you know, allegedly
fumigate.
You know, we buy a can of Lysol for fucking $30 or whatever their price gouging.
And then we just, and then we charge you $85 on your bill.
That's, yeah, that's what we do.
All right, let's talk about something positive.
I met a blonde female that I've become really good friends with.
She's beautiful, has big brown eyes and four legs.
You know, once a day, me and my co-writer, you know, you're editing a movie and
at some
point you just have to take a walk.
So we go for this walk and we went down this little alleyway and there's horses
down there
and there's this blonde horse, whatever you call it, looking like Trigger,
right?
And I've become friends with it.
Like I walk by now and it like stomps its foot or whatever and comes walking up
to the
thing.
I rub it on its head and the muzzle and all that and it just like makes my day.
Fucking love horses.
I swear to God, someday, you know, it's a classic old man.
Hey, someday I'm going to have a horse.
I would love to have a horse and never ride it.
You know, one of these horses that's been ridden its whole life.
And when I buy it, right, I just walk up to it.
I take the saddle off and I walk to the front of it and I'm like, hey, horsey,
you see this?
And I just fucking fling it.
It's over.
All right.
You're with me now.
You just fucking run around and have a good time.
Come back to the barn.
I'll feed you.
Wash you.
I'll keep you nice.
But this whole bullshit of somebody riding on your back.
That's over.
You put your time in.
You put your time in.
I like horses.
I don't understand their purpose, though.
You know, with their teeth, they're obviously prey.
Like, wild horses couldn't drag me away.
Like, for as much as it sucks that they're broken, you know what I mean?
They break them.
I ain't nothing better than feeling that horse quit.
The alternative.
Walking around the wilderness.
And I would imagine they're run down by packs of wolves or like a fucking grizzly
bear.
Some shit back in the day.
It's kind of a strange animal.
I guess they're all fucking weird.
Think of that whole family.
Like, deer, you understand, because they're kind of, like, decent to look at.
Like, moose.
You know, elk is like sort of the jock older brother of deer or venison.
You know what I mean?
Like, even a beautiful buck.
You know, it's still like a pretty boy.
You know, one of those, you know, he goes to the gym, but he's never really had
a fight.
You know, but elk.
You know, elk's got something.
Elk's got some issues.
That fucking moth just flying around.
Flying around my fucking room.
What a weird existence.
You guys believe in reincarnation?
You ever think you could come back?
Let's get back to that.
And then you got the moose, right?
Which is basically, I mean, I don't know what those, I don't even understand
what those things are.
What I don't understand is how a bear can kill a moose.
Or why a moose doesn't put up a better fight.
The big problem, you know what the biggest problem with prey is?
Is they run.
You know?
There's always way more of them.
I love when, you know, the ones that I really like is those, those, one of
those Cape Buffalo or whatever in Africa.
Every once in a while, they get really fucking pissed off.
And they take the fight to the lions.
The lions turn around and run away.
It's like, that's just what you, there you go, that's what you do.
That's what you do.
Nah, you got a victory.
What do they do the next day?
They start running away.
I don't understand why the fuck they're, the size of those things.
And anytime they take a step towards those lions, the lions fucking run away.
By the way, when did the lions sort of become like the animal when, you know,
when you're one of those bullshit fucking self-help people on Instagram?
And they're sitting there going like, you know, some people, you know, came to
play the game.
I came to fuck it in the ass.
And whatever they say, some, like, this, this, that, that vague shit talk.
You know what I mean?
Like, you don't even know what, what business are you in?
How are you applying this?
And they always say it.
There's always some fucking lion, like, walking around.
There's another comedian.
She, we always joke about that shit.
We're always sending those things to each other.
And, uh, some point, whenever this fucking bullshit stops, we can get together.
We're going to just do a whole fucking episode dedicated to this fake fucking
bullshit self-help.
Just people making up shit.
I, you know, you actually, when you're really watching, you get to see the, uh,
I don't know, just the responses it gets.
It's just like, wow, there's just a lot of fucking, uh, unhappy people out
there, which I know is funny to, to hear from me after the way I've been
behaving on this podcast.
But believe it or not, like, I'm not like, uh, you know, I like my life.
There's just certain things that when, when the shit that happened to me
tonight, it's just fucking, I don't even know, um, I don't know.
Just beyond disrespectful.
Like, you're charging money for this fucking shit?
Um, anyway.
I don't know.
I'll fucking get over that shit at some point.
Anyway, uh, so the NBA finals start tomorrow.
Here's my prediction.
If you want to hear from a guy who never even played fucking organized
basketball in his life at any level.
Um, this is going to seem obvious, but my, my thing is I feel like game one is
the most important game of this series for the Celtics, not for the Warriors,
for the Celtics it is.
I feel like we have to go out.
I'm assuming we're playing in their building.
We have to win game one.
And we have to prove to ourselves and to a lot of people that we can beat this
fucking team, which I know we can't, but I, I really feel like the Warriors,
because of their talent level and how many times they've been there in recent
times.
And the fact that there's so many champions on that team and they know how to
win, that you could easily get steamrolled by this fucking team.
So I think it's really important that we go out, we win game one, you know,
guys on our team feel good.
And you get the Warriors thinking like, oh shit, these guys are better than we
thought.
That's, that's a good place to have your opponent thinking, oh shit, that's
what the fuck you want as opposed to, uh, you know, doing the Ric Flair fucking,
the Ric Flair str