Name: Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-22
Uploaded: 2022-06-13T19:59:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-13. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 6-13-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
Hey, hey, hey! June 13, 2022!
Two, two! What's going on? How are ya?
How's it going, everybody?
How has your weekend been? Has it been good? Did you have a good one? I hope
you did.
Look at this. It's already June 13th. The summer is just flying by.
You know? Have you taken the time to fill up your above-ground pool yet?
Get in there after a couple of sliders.
You know what's great about an above-ground pool?
You know, as an adult, if you drown in an above-ground pool, it's just like...
You know, I gotta Google that at some point. There's no fucking way.
There's no diving board. Your feet are on the ground.
I mean, it's basically a giant...
It's like the iced coffee version of, like, a fucking hot tub.
It's for everybody. Everybody just stands there. They have their elbows on the
edges.
The above-ground pool. You know what I mean?
It's a great way to clean your driveway at the end of the fucking season.
You just open that door. Let it all run out.
Neighbors across the street with both arms out.
The classic...
You fucking serious?
And then you hit him with the eyebrows up.
Like, is there a problem?
You know, those silent fucking things you have with your neighbor?
He's got his arms out. You got your eyebrows up.
Whoever talks first loses.
Dude, I am absolutely fucking obsessed with power washing.
I got this, uh...
There's this... I don't know what the fuck it is.
These berries.
Sherry's berries?
Not Sherry's berries.
These are just regular berries.
I wouldn't eat them, because I know some berries are, uh...
They're poisonous.
According to some of the fairy tales that I used to read.
Can you say fairy tales anymore, or is that considered homophobic?
There's not one gay character in this.
Sorry.
The, uh...
What would you just call it?
The, um...
Light in the loafers' tales.
Whatever the fuck you're supposed to say.
Um...
Anyway, uh...
Yeah, you don't eat the berries.
The witch makes you eat them.
Right?
I love how the stepsisters were ugly.
I didn't buy that part.
You know, that Cinderella was gorgeous and the stepsisters were ugly.
They should have made the stepsisters, you know, beautiful anyway.
I mean, they already established that they're a couple of cunts.
So, like, why do you gotta do the double whammy where they're cunts
and they're ugly?
I gotta be honest with you.
There's not too many ugly cunts out there.
You have to have a certain level of beauty
to be a cunt.
That's not true.
Look at me.
I'm a cunt's cunt.
Um...
Anyway, it sounded good.
Sometimes things in your head sound good
and you say them out loud.
You're like, the math doesn't add up on that.
Jesus Christ, that just brought me to some bad fucking memories.
Solving problems during a test in math class.
Then you do this and you carry the wand.
First, outside, inside, last.
And this doesn't fucking add up!
The worst one.
The worst one was when you had the answer
and you had to come up with the fucking question
because when you just had to come up with an answer,
when they just gave you a question,
you had that hope that, hey, you know, maybe I got it.
I mean, it felt good.
You know, my hand wasn't shaky when I wrote those numbers.
Maybe, uh, who knows?
I mean, a broken clock's right twice a day, isn't it?
Right?
You had that.
You had that.
You had that going for you.
But when the answer was already there
and the question didn't add up,
you know, that's when your bottom lip started going like...
Are you crying?
No.
There's no crying in Algebra 2 in trig.
Stay after class.
I want to talk to you.
All right.
Fucking class, bell would ring.
And you start walking out, like, you know,
hoping he forgot what he just said to you 45 seconds ago.
You know, Mr. Burr?
I believe we had a little talking to him.
Your friends laughed.
They went off to lunch
to go eat a square fucking rectangle slice of pizza.
Also known as a grandmother's slice.
A Sicilian slice.
A bathroom tile of fucking...
Carbohydrates.
There you go to, you know.
It's usually served with a side of green beans
or something fucking stupid.
Whatever they had left over as a vegetable
to make it seem like they were trying.
You know?
That's all you had to do back when I was coming up in school.
Something gross and then, like, a fucking...
Whatever vegetable is left over.
It's just like, hey, you know,
what do you want for fucking 95 cents?
I remember it was $1.05.
Fucking assholes.
Just call it a dollar.
Fucking gotta sit there walking around with nickels.
Now, here's your five nickels for the week.
And here's your five dollars.
Keep these together.
These are a set.
Okay, ma.
Actually, that's not true.
I never even had to bug my fucking parents
for lunch money.
You know why?
I had a fucking job.
I was out there every morning
delivering the papers.
The papers.
By the way, rest in peace, Ray Liotta.
One of the greatest actors of all time.
Unreal.
You know, I didn't even bring that up on the last one.
I think I was just so in shock
that he passed.
I actually got to do a couple of scenes with him
in a movie called Date Night
starring Steve Carell
and Tina Fey
way back in the day.
Worked with Taraji P. Henson.
That was my first foray into,
wow, this is a big movie.
I remember going into the hair and makeup
and there he was.
Fucking Ray Liotta
with that amazing head of hair.
And I was old Billy, you know,
balding face at that point.
And I was like, oh, Jesus.
That's what a movie star looks like.
And he was nice as can be
and funny as hell.
And when they said action,
he just became like a fucking lunatic
in the best way.
It was fucking amazing.
I do remember there was an extra
on that movie
and in that scene
and the kid came up to me
and he told me he was from Boston
and that he knew Mark Wahlberg.
And I said, oh yeah, he's on this movie.
And the kid went, oh yeah, is he?
I was like, you don't know this guy.
So he's one of those guys, right?
So we shoot the scene
and the fucking scene ends.
And it was downstairs at a bar.
I remember we shot it in downtown LA
and we did the rest of the movie in New York.
And the scene ended
and Ray got up
and he was walking up the stairs
and this fucking extra made a beeline for him
and was on his hip
the whole fucking way up
talking about some script that he wrote.
And I remember just
wanting to tell the kid like,
just dude, leave him.
That's not the way you do this.
Leave him alone.
And he was nice about it.
He's like, oh, you know, I don't know.
Yeah, you know,
sounds like a good idea or whatever.
And like somebody should have gone over
and rescued the guy.
But I just remember thinking like that kid does,
this is one of those kids
who just didn't fucking get it.
It's like, that's not how
you're going to get the thing made.
Anyway, so
yeah, I got to do a couple scenes.
I got to do a scene with them
when we were in New York
on top of that
Silver Cup
studios out there in Queens.
We shot the end
where we come in
and we arrest all the bad guys.
I believe my line was,
let me see your hands.
That's all I had, you know.
Little fucking Billy Freckleface
plays a cop or a fireman.
That's what I play.
Either that or a ginger
in Outer Space.
So anyway, yeah,
he was really, really
a
just a nice guy
and he was fucking amazing
to watch.
And it was hard to focus
on the scene too
because I remember standing across
and I'm like,
that's fucking Ray Liotta.
I'm doing a scene.
I got two
and a half lines in a scene
with one of the good fellas.
Fucking amazing.
So I'm very thankful
that I had a chance
to work with him
ever so briefly
and obviously super bummed
and devastated
that he's gone.
So anyways,
what was I talking about earlier?
Math?
How the hell I got on that?
Ah, sorry.
I'm in a fucking bad mood.
I just walked up this,
you know,
out here to my garage
here to do the podcast
and
I just see this little bird
just on the ground
like lean into one side
and I'm looking at it
like,
why aren't you flying away?
And then I looked at it like,
oh,
you're at the end.
And like,
I don't know what to do.
And I'm like,
what does it do now?
It just stays there
until some reptile
realizes there it is.
Now,
if I was a liberal
like a lot of people
think I am,
which I like to think I am.
I always think I'm liberal
until I talk to a liberal.
And I'm like,
you're out of your fucking mind,
you know?
Then I go,
maybe I'm conservative.
And I talk to a conservative.
I'm like,
this fucking person,
it does not make sense.
It really is amazing
depending on the jokes
that you do,
how people perceive you.
Like,
I just did that
Netflix thing,
which I highly recommend
you check out.
Bill Burr presents
Friends Who Kill.
And I went out there
and I'm like,
all right,
what am I going to do
on this thing?
I was like,
I got all this COVID shit
left over.
I got that Rittenhouse bit.
I'll do those.
Those bits kill.
And I know that,
you know,
the COVID shit's,
even though it's still going,
it's a good time
to get rid of this.
And the Rittenhouse thing,
nobody fucking remembers
him anymore.
I'll do this now,
right?
So I do that shit.
And oh my God,
I didn't even think
about the material
I was doing,
right?
So I get these
fucking emails.
No,
not emails.
Tweets.
That was the most
unfunny
fucking six minutes
of my life.
And I'm looking
at the avatar
of the person.
It's like,
I believe you're old enough
to remember 9-11.
I don't,
I want to say
that that was probably
a little less funny
than whatever the fuck
I did on that
Netflix thing,
right?
And I couldn't figure,
and I got like,
I don't know,
I got like fucking
half a dozen of those.
Like,
really long,
visceral fucking texts
about how that was
the worst thing
that ever happened
in comedy.
And I was thinking like,
Jesus,
I didn't think
I was that bad.
And then I figured it out.
I was like,
oh,
oh,
oh,
conservative
snowflakes,
they exist.
Yes,
they do.
I thought it was
a good bit,
you know?
Made fun of fucking,
I don't know,
whatever.
It's just a fucking joke,
right?
These fucking idiots.
Oh my God,
that was the most
I'm trying to fucking.
Really?
Well,
you're on Netflix,
you dumb cunt.
What is there,
40,000 stand-up specials?
Go fucking watch another one.
Acting like you're powerless,
you were smart enough
to log on to fucking Netflix,
you fucking mouth-breathing dope.
Just go fucking watch another one.
You know,
there's a bunch of shit
that I watched
during the year
where I'm like,
this is a steaming pile of shit.
I never think to fucking,
you know,
find out who the person is
and then at them,
whatever the fuck you do.
Just thought I'd let you know
that I thought that that sucked.
Anyway,
so that's what I'm finding.
I'm finding out during this new,
this new time of doing stand-up
that there's just really fucking
sensitive people on both sides
and if you do a topic
that they don't care for,
then they're gonna break out,
you know,
I'm someone who has a sense of humor.
But that bit about gender-neutral bathrooms
recently had to have been
the most unfunny thing
I have ever seen
and I fucking
lost a leg in a blender
when I was nine.
You know,
they always have to have like
some fucking horrible thing
that happened to them
to just show
what a fucking
bad day is in their life.
But what are you gonna do?
I guess it comes with the territory.
I don't know,
Netflix was happy with it
and they signed my check,
so,
you know,
good luck with your long tweet there,
missy.
These fucking people.
You know,
I did,
you know,
by the way,
I did,
you know,
offer the floor
to people that are into guns.
I wanted to hear what you,
I want to hear
what is your solution
to these fucking school shootings?
Like,
how do we solve this,
not take away your guns
and your Second Amendment rights
so everybody's happy?
I don't know what the solution is,
but I don't think the solution
is comparing it
to the Alec Baldwin incident.
I'm just like,
oh,
all right.
There's a fucking leap.
what the fuck?
I didn't even,
that fucking logic
was just like,
what?
So you're saying
a fucking negligent ho