Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-22
Uploaded: 2022-07-05T18:42:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-05. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, July 4th, 2022.
Oh, you fat fucks, go out and get your sunburns and your fireworks.
Hey, oh man, I was traveling, dude. I'm back, by the way. Oh, sorry.
A little too loud. I'm back, everybody. If you're wondering where I was, maybe
you weren't.
You know, maybe you have a life outside my podcast, and maybe that makes me
feel things in a certain way
that maybe I didn't feel like feeling them on such an early Tuesday morning
doing a Monday Morning Podcast.
I, um, I did a run of dates, y'all. I did a run of fucking dates that took me
from the Pacific Northwest of this country.
If all them hairy-legged liberals are, unless you're out in the woods.
And, um, then I went up into Canada, and from there I went straight to, uh, I
went to France.
Some friends of my wife and I, uh, were getting married in the French
countryside,
and, uh, when I got out to the France countryside.
Uh, uh, countryside de France, um, I had, I had medieval internet.
It's the only way I can describe it.
There was no, there was just no internet.
I could get text messages from people, but if they sent an accompanying photo,
it just would never download.
So that's, I had basic, that type of shit.
So I was recording podcasts, and I tried to send those, I tried to send said
podcast,
and it would say that they went through, and they never did, and then I would
get a text message
from Andrew going, uh, dude, I know you're out there in France, uh, where's the
podcast?
And I'd be like, sec la bleue!
Um, however the fuck you say that.
Um, yeah, so I don't even know where, where to begin, man.
Um, let's do my little run.
I was in, uh, Portland, Oregon, I think Auburn, Washington, Vancouver!
And then I did two shows in Calgary, in a park.
The first one at, like, 4.30 in the afternoon, like I was fucking Paul Simon.
I felt so bad for the people in the crowd.
By the way, shout out to the people that came out to the 4 o'clock show,
whatever the hell it was.
Um, sitting in the sun, like, three quarters of the crowd just sitting in the
sun.
I'm watching them.
My fellow Hawaii people getting fucking, turning from white to pink to red by
the time I did my closing bit.
Um, I want to thank them for coming out.
I, it was a great time.
It was kind of a weird, a little bit weird.
You know, with people who weren't part of the fest, it was a festival.
That's what I just kept telling him.
Yeah, I said to my agent, why am I doing a show at 4 in the afternoon?
He's like, oh, it's a festival.
It's like, god, that's not really an answer.
Okay, I've done festivals before.
And I performed inside.
I performed outside.
But one thing I can't tell you was the sun was down.
Down goes Frazier.
The sun was down.
Standing there in fucking broad daylight in a park talking about my dick.
I thought I was going to get arrested.
I felt like, I felt like I was set up, man.
Um, yeah, that's, uh, yeah, I was strange, but it ended up going great.
The crowd was amazing.
Um, I vaguely recall some older woman came up and flashed her tits.
So actually her bra, which her bra, which Dean Del Rey said looked like an old
pillowcase.
It was like fucking, you know, that, that gray, you know, when a white becomes
that gray, where you're just like, I got to throw this out.
Or you look up in the sky, it's that color.
And you're just like, I don't want to go to work today.
I don't want to work on my relationship.
I don't want to let this guy in, but I'm going to let the guy in because
wherever I'm going, I don't feel like going.
And you just delayed me getting there by another car length.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir, for being you.
Um, by the way, I absolutely fucking crushed.
Speaking French with the French people over there.
Fucking killed it.
I was getting a lot of smiles like, there you go.
You're bald old cunt.
You're coming around like, like little nods of like, hey, that wasn't bad.
I'm not saying I was like fucking over there reading the news.
But I was able to, uh, I was able to say to a cab driver, excuse me, sir.
Could you put the windows down?
It's really hot back here.
I was able to say all of that.
Excusez-moi, monsieur.
Est-ce que tu peux ouvrir les fenêtres, s'il vous plaît, parce que.
Il est très chaud derrière avec vous.
I don't know.
I was sort of like a Franklish.
I was speaking.
And I know I didn't say any of that correctly.
But I said enough of it correctly.
Oh, oui, monsieur.
And I was just like, yes.
Sorry.
I was like, oui.
That's when you know you have it down.
When you start thinking in that language.
But I was, I was so surprised and thrilled with the amount of shit that I was
able to convey.
Um, just by knowing how to order, directions, and just knowing, uh, to go, to
want, and, uh, to buy.
Just knowing all of those conjugations in the, uh, yeah.
Just knowing words, like, quelques shows.
Je voudrais, uh, voir quelques shows.
Uh, à côté, là-bas.
Uh, and they would be like, okay, he's saying, uh, close by, over there.
You know, and I would just kind of move my hands, like, someplace close.
Oh, oh, we miss you, uh, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
And then I'd take a left, make a right, da-da-da-da-da, and I could fucking
handle it.
I actually had the stewards on the plane going, would you prefer if we just did
this in French?
Because they could tell I was trying to learn it.
I was so fucking psyched.
You know, oh, Billy, oh, Billy Shy Boy.
Billy Shy Boy.
That was when I had a music contract early in my career.
Billy Shy Boy.
It was, uh, I was in a boy band.
And that's what I went by.
You know, we were trying to ride the coattails of, um, uh, New Edition,
followed by New Kids on the Block.
It was the third incarnation of Suburban.
That was our hook.
We were suburban white boys.
We weren't the cool white boys from Dorchester.
We were the suburban ones.
And I went by Billy Shy Boy.
And, uh, we never got out of the garage.
Sorry.
Um, anyway.
No, I was trying to start a metal band in my garage.
I just wanted to be in a band.
Um, so anyway, I don't know what to go.
Let me just back my way through this whole fucking tour.
Oh, when I was in Calgary, when I landed, one of the first things I saw was a
big pickup truck.
You know, I'm a truck guy.
Now, God damn it.
You know, I'm a truck guy.
And I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, uh, the guy had freedom written on
the back window.
Ah, those poor people.
Freedom.
That's what this country's about.
About freedom.
Like, what does that even mean?
I mean, I do know what it means.
Uh, I think I know what it means.
But, I mean, freedom went out the window.
Like, I don't know how many fucking decades ago.
I don't know when these people are going to rebel.
Oh, I guess they did.
I guess they did.
Um, I don't know.
It's just like, dude.
We are so fucked when it comes to freedom right now.
I mean, what would you attack first?
If you really wanted to reclaim whatever the fuck it is you're claiming.
And I am assuming that when you mean reclaim, you don't mean to send women and
people who aren't white back into the fucking stone ages.
Or, you know, 20 years ago.
Um, if you just mean, like, the government to stop hassling you, man.
Like, I don't know where you would even begin.
The first thing you'd have to do, like most coups, is you'd have to go after
the media.
Because once you control the narrative, then you control the thought process.
So, you would have to go in and you would have to whack everybody at Fox News
and CNN.
That's the first thing you would have to do so you could control the narrative
of what it was that you were doing.
Because I can guarantee you, if there was a coup to overthrow the country,
one that looked like it was going to be successful.
Not that fucking, uh, insurrection of fucking, whatever is it, January,
whatever the fuck it was.
Um, a bunch of people were shit they got at Home Depot, pushed their way into a
government building.
My favorite part was when they actually got all the way in there and they didn't
know what to do because there was no plan to even get that far.
And then they just started sitting at desks and putting their feet up like
children that had taken over a school.
Like, oh, look at me, I'm the principal.
Take a picture.
Um, there was that aspect of it.
And then the other aspect of it, which was fucking hilarious to me, is that a
group of people armed with shit you get at Home Depot could somehow get all the
way in to whatever that government building was called.
The one with the nice dome, the Capitol building.
That's where the House of Representatives and the Senate sit and debate things
for corporations acting as though they're doing something for you.
Um, anyway, so I saw that, I saw that truck there.
So I had fun with that element, um, that was in the crowd, you know, uh,
telling them that I also had a truck and the shit that I was going to write on
my back window just to annoy them.
Just show up with the most badass truck ever and then just have gender neutral
bathrooms written on the back window just to fucking annoy people.
And then just come out there and just, and just be one of them loving guns and
all of this type of shit.
And they just can't, and just see, see if you could get them to get past what
you had written on the back of your window.
I keep seeing those memes about people like writing their whole, um, all of
their politics on their pickup trucks.
That seems to, is that like really happening?
Or maybe other people with pickup trucks see it.
Um, I always love it because it's, it's very like, like common man, common
sense.
In other words, there's nothing behind it.
Man, I shoot from the hip, man.
I tell it like it is.
It's just like, you know what that means?
That means I don't read.
I don't have nearly enough, uh, time put in on this topic, but I'm just like,
you know,
but I am arrogant enough to think that I can solve it without needing any, any
of the information.
Like I got one for you.
I know this full on fucking narcissist, not me.
Um, another one, this full on far, as I sit here doing a podcast by myself.
Um, I know this full on fucking narcissist.
And for years from the moment JFK Jr.'s plane went down to like a fucking two
years ago,
this dude was telling me without a fucking shred of doubt that he knew exactly
what happened.
And he just made up all of this shit, all of this shit.
Oh, oh, I'll tell you what happened.
Yo, dude, I'll tell you what happened.
Dude, he didn't even get his license up here.
Dude, he went down to Florida.
They're like, oh God, you're a fucking JFK fucking Jr.
Right?
Dude, he had like fucking eight hours.
And the guy just gave him his fucking license.
That's what this guy said.
And, um, and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
And that he bought a plane that was beyond his ability.
And that he was too cocky because he was a Kennedy.
And all of this shit just indicting this dead person.
Right?
So, lo and behold, old Freckles here eventually goes out, gets himself a pilot's
license.
And one day it dawns on him, one of the things that he learned is that anytime
there's an accident,
there's an FAA report about a year later.
So I was like, why don't I just read the report?
And I read the report and nothing this guy said was true.
This guy made a YouTube video, you know, also about it that was incredible.
And I was reading saying this guy, most of his hours were with instructors.
Which most people it isn't because they can't afford to do that.
And he had done, he actually had passed his written on his instrument exam.
And had experience, you know, he had like half the hours he needed to fly under
instrument and all of that.
He was an incredibly careful pilot, cautious pilot and all of that.
He just ran into a series of things that ended up being beyond him.
Which can fucking happen to anybody.
Which is the scary thing about flying and all of this shit.
So, I went to this guy.
I hadn't talked to him in year