Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-7-22
Uploaded: 2022-07-07T17:15:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-7-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-7-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-07. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-7-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
That's all I'm doing. Nothing aggressive today.
Just, you know, just hanging out.
Hey, I got a great way.
Do you hate your job, people?
I'm going to be a bit of a pitch man today.
Hey, man, do you hate your job?
Do you go in there thinking, if I have to fucking walk through those goddamn
doors one more time, I think I'm going to stick my head through the plate glass
window.
Like me, back in the day when I said I'd make a pie.
Hi, rep.
Fucking stealing from my own act here.
Just tell people you have COVID.
Get yourself 10 days off.
You know, two of those will be a weekend day.
Just tell people you have COVID.
Nobody asks to see the test result.
I can't come in.
I got COVID.
You sound all right.
Yeah, I'm asymptomatic, but, well, you better stay home and tell you if I got
to test negative.
All they want to see is a negative test.
Stay the fuck home.
Sorry, I just got back from France.
I guess COVID, like Hulk Hogan's pythons, are running wild.
What are you going to do when COVID comes and gets you?
Somebody told me, hey, if you get it, man, take a, they got a new drug out
there, man.
It's called Paxlovid.
And I was like, I'm not taking that shit.
And they said, why not?
I said, because it rhymes with the disease.
It rhymes with the virus.
I'm not fucking taking that shit.
You know, got pneumonia?
Take Splavonia.
Wait a minute.
My wife goes, she goes, you got shingles?
Take Pringles.
Why does it rhyme with the disease?
Well, because it's a virus.
Part of the virus has to be ill, though it's part of the cure.
I have no idea.
But I was just thinking, you know, when I got the COVID back in January there,
I, you know, first of all, I didn't even know I fucking had it.
That was a great thing, because I didn't even know I fucking had it, because I
went out and I got that microchip shot into my body.
By the way, dude, I don't think I've ever gotten more goddamn shit for some
stupid fucking stand-up thing than I did for that Netflix thing I hosted.
Good Lord.
What a bunch of fucking babies.
I talked about COVID and Rittenhouse.
You'd think I fucking tore up the Declaration of Independence.
Fucking unreal, man.
Fucking unreal.
These people, ah, Bill's a fucking government shill.
Fucking whining goddamn babies, man.
You know what I do love about the left and the right, aside from the fact that
my fellow countrymen,
is they just have no fucking self-awareness of, like, how they, everything that
they say they don't, that the other side's doing, they're fucking doing.
Both sides are doing it.
Like, you know, in the 2000s, we'll just do right now.
Right now, like, the rebels, man.
The people saying, hey, man, fuck the government, man.
This isn't what the founding fathers were talking about, man.
This isn't what the founding fathers were talking about, man.
That's the right.
They're like, fuck you, government.
Fuck you.
I'm not listening to you.
I don't trust you.
Fuck you.
You want my guns?
Go and get them.
Right?
They're doing that shit.
Those same fucking assholes in the 2000s, when dumbass George Bush went ahead
and bankrupted this fucking country
by trying to shoehorn 9-11 into Iraq.
They were like, you know, he's fucking going like, he has weapons of mass
destruction and a nuclear fucking whatever program.
We got to go stop it.
And he was part of 9-11.
And I don't think he likes my dad.
Right?
So then we fucking go in there.
The guy's got nothing.
And then it goes from, we're stopping him from that.
It goes to a liberation.
It's like, did you just change the fucking mission, like, overnight?
After you committed all of these lives and money over there?
So liberals were going, no, don't do that.
The government's full of shit.
They're slave to fucking oil companies, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The same fuckers today who are going like, ah, fuck the government.
Back in the 2000s, like, support the troops.
America, love it or leave it.
He's got weapons of mass destruction.
Turns out he doesn't.
It's a liberation.
Same fucking people.
Exact same fucking people.
In my head, they are.
Right?
And then, yeah, the liberals doing the whole, hey, it's my body.
It's my choice.
Fucking Roe v. Wade.
My body.
My choice.
Fucking vaccine comes out for COVID.
People don't want to take it.
Like, take the fucking shot.
So I am, evidently, I've learned from this, this, my last two specials.
The special and then this thing I hosted.
I'm somehow stuck in the middle of these fucking, they both fucking can't stand
me.
Oh, God.
Wait till you see my abortion bit.
This is before Roe v. Wade.
I got a special coming out next week.
Oh, jeez.
The hairy-legged white chicks are coming.
How can you fucking say that?
I knew you liked Donald Trump.
I'm going to be getting that.
I don't know what to tell you.
I guess because back in the day, I used to fucking go off on banks and the
Federal Reserves
and all that type of shit.
And you know where that got me?
Do you know where that got me?
All it got me was meeting people like that guy that had the buffalo horns on
that went into the fucking House of Representatives, Senate, whatever.
The Capitol building.
That's all that that ends up with.
And nobody gives a fuck.
And nobody's doing anything.
So what was I going to do?
I'm going to be the guy sitting there flapping my arms with my head on fire.
I just said, fuck it.
And you know what?
Kind of feels great.
So I don't know what to tell you.
All you Federal Reserve fucking bankers.
I still agree with it.
I still know it's a fucking Ponzi scheme.
But I can't.
You know, I fought the good fight for five years and then I just stopped.
It's like right now everybody's fucking, you know.
Fucking blaming Joe Biden for the gas prices.
And they're ignoring the fact.
My buddy was just saying, it's like, dude, they fucking pumped like $2 trillion
out of
nowhere.
$20 trillion into the economy.
There's going to be inflation.
I was actually saying, like, I feel like the oil companies are trying to get
back all
the money they didn't get in fucking.
In 2020 when people stayed home.
I don't fucking know.
But anyways, people stop taking my shit so goddamn seriously.
I'm a fucking comedian.
Good Lord.
These fucking idiots.
You're a stand-up comic.
They want you to be their fucking, I don't know what, president?
Or surgeon general?
It's like, no, I'm neither one of those things.
I'm a fucking moron who tells jokes.
All right?
So shut up.
All right.
Pax Lovit, everybody.
Hey, with the name that rhymes with COVID, it has to be good.
Bold.
The cure for the coming cold.
Prancer.
Do you have cancer?
Take Prancer.
I will not.
See?
Now look how dumb that is.
Just think about that.
I will not fuck with a medicine if it rhymes with what I'm trying to cure.
All right?
That's the level of intellect you're dealing with here, people.
Bunch of fucking babies.
You conservatives.
You liberals.
You're all a bunch of fucking babies.
It's the amount of shit that's actually fucking going on out there.
And these fucking idiots.
All they can do is go after a goddamn, you know, stand-up comedy.
Yeah, that's going to change it.
As if what comics are saying is suddenly becoming law.
That's what I've always loved about that.
Because the reality is, if stand-up comedy did have that level of power, it
wouldn't be legal.
You couldn't just have any jackass doing it.
Oh, wait a minute.
Any jackass can just go in and buy a gun.
Oh, shit.
Now he's a liberal again.
Hi, I have a chicken on my head and I'm wearing a diaper.
How old are you?
I'm over 18.
Here you go.
I don't know how it works.
Okay, people?
I don't understand how it works.
All I know is I'm trying to get my son.
We're reining him in.
And he's understanding that the hammer's coming down.
I did not like his behavior in public at the hotel and stuff.
I've realized that I've just been a little too lax with him, overcompensating
for the screaming and yelling that I grew up with.
So what I'm doing now, you know, he gets his little timeouts.
He has a little chair and that's where it is.
And it's amazing because I put him in the fucking chair and he fights it for
like 30 seconds.
And then he realizes that's where he's going to be.
He immediately stops crying.
The temper tantrum's gone away.
And it's like, oh, so it is just an act.
This is just a manipulation thing.
My thing is I hear my kids crying.
I just wanted to stop because, sorry, I have an old science chair here.
I just wanted to stop because, you know, it's your kid crying.
It breaks your fucking heart.
So I just have to push past that.
So he is obsessed with my car, my old truck.
So he starts going.
He just go, daddy's car?
He starts at that emotional level.
Not like, daddy's car?
He goes, daddy's car?
Daddy's car?
He starts pointing outside.
Daddy's car?
Daddy?
Daddy?
Please?
Please?
Daddy's car?
Daddy's car?
So every time I would be like, all right, buddy.
All right, let's go.
And I'd scoop him up and I would take him out and I'd put him in the driver's
seat.
And it started becoming like five, six times a day.
You know, I have shit to do here.
So it's like, I kind of learned that if you give them everything that they want,
the second
they want it, then they get this unrealistic idea.
I know it kind of makes sense once you say it out loud.
So I'm trying to undo that.
But fortunately, you know, he's a smart kid, a really smart kid.
So it was already taking and he was already changing just with one day of it.
So it's kind of funny, too, to see him sitting in the corner.
He was sitting in the corner on this little rocking chair.
A buddy of mine got him.
So he's sitting on the thing.
And he's just looking at me.
And I'm watching TV.
And he's being quiet.
He's sort of rocking a little bit.
And then I looked over at him and he was looking at me.
And I was trying to stare at him doing the, I'm not happy with you right now.
And he, I was staring at him and he stares back at me.
And then he kind of did like half a smile.
And I swear to God, I think I took six years off of my life trying not to smile
in that moment
because I was trying to make my point.
But he's smiling like, come on.
Hey, Dad, it's me.
What are we doing here?
Let's go wrestle.
Come on.
My wife read somewhere, you know, whatever their age is,
that's how long you should do it for.
So, which is cool because he's only two.
It's two minutes.
Then he comes over and he's all right.
But he's funny, though, when you tell him, like, try not to yell.
Just do like a firm voice.
And when I do that now, he does this thing where he puts his hands over his
eyes
and then he peeks through them.
And I was like, and I'll be like, yeah, you can't do that.
You have to be nice to your sister.
You understand me?
And then he turns his head all the way around like Linda Blair.
Turns it, like, into the couch so he won't be looking at you.
So, it's a copycat league in the family, everybody.
So, my wife was giving me shit about something that I was doing.
Probably interrupting her when she was on the phone or some shit.
She started giving me shit about it when we were laying in bed
and I just turned my head all the way around into the pillow.
And she immediately went, oh, are you sad?
It's a dead-on impression of my son.
Speaking of my son and my lovely daughter,
we got a fucking coyote problem.
I've had two different neighbors tell me,
hey, just to let you know,
there's been some coyote, you know,
jumping over your poor excuse for a fence
into the fucking front yard, right?
Like, all right.
And they're like, do you have a cat or anything like that?
I'm like, no, it's not our cat, but it fucking just,
every fucking animal just waltzes through our goddamn yard, right?
So, this, there's some,
they said it looked like an adolescent coyote
and it was jumping over, back and forth,
back and forth, over this thing.
So, I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that.
I'll be honest wi