Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-22
Uploaded: 2022-07-12T16:44:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-12. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
Ma-ha-ha-ha-ha-day! Hey! July 11th, 2022!
Two-two-two. How are ya?
You doing alright, man? It's fuckin' 6.13am.
Bill, what are you doing up so fuckin' early?
It's actually Sunday. Why am I up?
Because for whatever reason, I was laying in bed at I don't know what time,
five-ish?
And one of my smoke alarms out of Noah just went...
My wife wakes up, she's like, oh my god, I think the battery's low in one of
the smoke alarms.
And I'm thinking like, was that the smoke alarm or the house alarm?
You know, and then I gotta lay there thinking to myself, why did I stop going
to the dojo
in fuckin' 1999?
Why did I only go four times?
You know, I could go down there like Passenger 57 and just handle this shit,
but I stopped going.
Um, and then I was just up.
So I figured, hey man, I'm up man, fuck it!
Why not fuckin' go out goddamn fuckin' garage?
Knock out the podcast.
Well, I can only do the first half of it because it's so early.
I don't have, uh...
I don't have your guys' questions for the week.
You know, where you ask me advice because you're too cheap to get a therapist.
I know what you're up to.
Gas prices go up.
Something has to be cut.
What do you cut first?
What's one of the first things you cut?
Your own mental health.
I know what I do.
Instead of talking to this therapist who's been trained professionally,
I'm gonna talk to a bald orange man
who has no psychology background whatsoever.
He even uses the word psychology.
That probably wasn't even the right fuckin' word.
I fuckin' hated those words.
Before spell check.
Psychology, psychological, psycho, syphilis.
I couldn't fuckin' spell any of those goddamn words.
You just sit there and go, ah, what is it?
It's P-S-Y-C-H.
Psych, right?
That's what it was.
And then you had to go the rest of the way.
And there was, is there one L?
Is there two?
Am I gonna pass this class?
Do I need this class?
Is this what the fuck I wanna do?
Look at that hot chick over there.
Why don't I just walk up?
Oh, that's right, that's right.
Because I'm the color of Donald Trump's tie.
I don't know what I'm talking about, sorry.
Anyway, I had a fuckin' crazy day yesterday.
Just a crazy day.
I absolutely fuckin' crushed it as a father.
But then I flipped out about something
and I fuckin' ruined it, you know.
These fuckin' assholes.
I went to Home Depot.
You know that fuckin' where you, you know.
That's like the perfect,
whoever scored that commercial for Home Depot.
Just that sound.
It makes you feel like you know how to fix shit.
Right?
Like, get down here and, you know,
go buy that crescent wrench
and go fix your fuckin' sink.
So I went down there,
like the house husband I am,
to buy a vacuum cleaner.
That's what I went down there.
I didn't go down there
to get a fuckin' Mida saw.
Right?
To get some new drill bits.
To get a carbon fiber fuckin' hammer.
I didn't go down there for that shit.
I went down there
to buy a vacuum cleaner
for my garage.
Cause I'm a married man.
That's where I live.
That's my, uh,
that's my, my, uh,
I like the garage.
I also like being married, by the way.
I do.
But, you know,
I don't know that I could be married
without a garage.
I think those two go hand in hand.
I think the second you say,
I do, right,
she gets all your money
and you get a garage
and then that works.
Then it just works
and all you do is keep them happy
and, uh,
your happiness
is that they're not mad at you.
No, I'm kidding.
Um,
my wife actually made me laugh
my fuckin' ass off
before I even got out of bed
yesterday.
I said something stupid to her
and she just fuckin' trashed me.
And I,
I was laughing like,
solid laugh
for like fuckin'
two straight minutes
to the point I got her to start,
she stopped being mad at me.
Um,
I don't know what the fuck.
And she had a,
you know,
I always say that she's mad at me
but I also then,
I never really quite say
what I did
to make her that way.
You know?
What is,
what is called
is a one-side story
which is what,
you know,
hairy-legged white chicks
really enjoy
on social media.
The old one-sided story.
I'm gonna say what happened
and then that's gonna be it
cause that's what happened.
cause I'm white
and have a vagina.
That'd be a good name
for a fuckin'
sports team.
The white vaginas.
That probably comes off as
probably racist
on some level.
Like,
that racist
that comes off as,
uh,
white supremacy.
Can you imagine
if you had just like a fuckin',
just a racist league.
The supremacists.
Instead of the white socks,
the white,
oh,
shut up,
Bill.
Alright,
anyway,
plowing ahead.
it was a bad idea
for a sketch
even in the 70s.
Um,
so I just had a,
I had a great fuckin' day,
you know?
I,
uh,
I just hung out
with my kids
all day.
You know?
Um,
I was just
listening to my daughter
talk and looking at her
and just,
you know,
they make like
these cognitive leaps
where like
the conversation
all of a sudden
out of nowhere
is just like,
and you always realize
it like,
usually
after you walked away
like,
wait a minute,
wow,
that was a,
a way beyond
conversation
that I've had
with my kid
since
ever,
you know?
God,
I'm stupid.
I can't even fucking,
I can't,
I can't even communicate
my fucking thoughts.
Um,
maybe if it feels like
she's making cognitive
leaps because I'm
so fucking stupid,
maybe that's what it is.
Um,
yeah,
so I was just talking,
I was like,
literally like just
taking her in.
You know,
you ever have a moment
in your life
where you're like,
I'm gonna be,
I'm,
I'm gonna think about
this in the future
and you realize it
like in the fucking
moment,
those are always
great if you can do
that.
So I was doing that
and I got this new
thing with my son
because he,
uh,
you know,
he has like these
meltdowns,
you know?
He's two years old,
he just fucking,
like,
and it's not the
terrible twos,
like they say.
Uh,
it's,
he's been doing it
since he was one.
he just,
when he gets
something in his
hand that he
wants and he
doesn't want you
to get it,
like,
first of all,
he puts a death
grip on it
and he screams
like a fucking
wild man.
so,
um,
the way I grew
up is what you
do as a dad
then.
All the dads
in my neighborhood,
my dad would
all be like,
ah,
knock it off!
Start fucking
yelling at a
baby.
Start yelling
at a toddler
like it cut you
off in traffic.
You know,
that's,
that's just how
dads were back
then.
That's what you
did.
You had bass
in your voice
and you fucking
used it.
You turned it
up to 11
and you
screamed at
a fucking
one or two
year old
and you made
him pee a
little bit
and then they
gave up the
fucking frisbee
or whatever
the hell they
had back in
the 70s,
right?
But,
uh,
you know,
I see how I
turned out and
I'm like,
okay,
maybe that's
not a good
approach.
You know?
So,
I do this
thing,
I just,
I literally
just rub his
head.
I'm like,
buddy,
buddy,
you can't do
this.
You can't
throw stuff
at your
sister.
You know,
you can't
push your
mom.
Like,
he gets
mad and
he,
like,
he wanted
to sit
in my
car,
right?
Dad has
car,
dad has
car.
And I,
you know,
I was like,
buddy,
I have to
get ready to,
I don't
know what
the fuck
we were
doing.
So,
I said,
I'll do
it in a
minute.
And he's
like,
no,
no,
no,
no.
And I
closed the
door and
he was
like yanking
on the
door.
And I'm
like,
buddy,
relax.
And then
he just
ran at
me,
screaming
with both
arms over
his head.
And,
uh,
he just
ran into
my leg.
Like,
he just
threw himself
into me.
And then
he fell
down and
he started
crying.
And,
uh,
I just
got this
thing,
you know,
I just
sort of
soothed
him.
And it's
really been
working.
I'm like,
buddy,
buddy,
you can't,
you can't
do that.
Just relax.
It's gonna
be fine.
And then he
goes like,
big little
kid tears.
Um,
yeah,
we're starting
to,
you know,
turn the
corner with
him.
Where I
noticed
yesterday,
it only
happened a
couple times
where it
was like,
you know,
I was told
you,
I was a
little embarrassed
when I was
coming back
from France
as far as
like,
all right,
I'm too
much of a
pushover
here with
my kid.
And I
started to
turn it
around on
the flight
where,
you know,
it's funny,
little kids,
they know when
you're not
fucking around,
even if you're
a pushover.
they know when
you're serious
and they might
push back a little
bit,
but then they're
kind of like,
all right,
I think I'm,
I think I'm
pushing the
privileges here.
So,
um,
I had a
great day
like hanging
out with
him,
like playing
catch with
him.
I didn't,
I haven't even
had to teach
him how to
play catch.
He just
can fucking
do it.
It's amazing.
And my
daughter threw
a spiral
with a
football
yesterday.
I freaked
the fuck
out.
Um,
and I
was getting
along with
my wife,
but I
just kept
having these
fucking
little outbursts
during the
day.
And I'm
like,
why is
my temper
back like
this?
And I
think I'm
just stressing
out about,
you know,
just all the
work I got
in front of
me and all
of that
shit.
And also,
you know what
it is,
is I
fucking,
I just
kind of hit
the wall
with like,
uh,
just substances
and shit.
And I'm
like,
what am I
doing?
I'm
fucking
drinking
coffee
every day
now.
When the
fuck did I
ever drink
coffee?
I'm
smoking cigars
like it's
going out of
style.
And,
um,
you know,
I'm back
to fucking
smoking weed
or eating
a gummy
like every
fucking day.
And I was
just like,
you know what,
fuck this.
Fuck all
of this
shit.
I'm not,
I'm not doing
any of this
shit.
I just shut
it off.
And I'm not
going to lie
to you.
The first
two,
three days
is always
hard.
And then
now,
now I'm
on the
fourth day
and I'm
just like,
I'm like,
whatevs,
man.
See,
that's how I
know I'm
not like a
fucking,
you know,
I feel like
addiction is
a spectrum.
You know what
I mean?
When I
grew up,
they used
to be like,
you're either
a fucking
addict or
you're not.
I don't
believe that.
I feel like
there's all
different levels
of it.
You know,
I've been to
AA meetings.
I got arrested
for drinking
and driving
and was
required to
go to two
of those.
And I'll
never forget
those meetings.
I always
remember this
thinking like,
you know,
I drink,
I don't
fucking drink.
These people
are out of
their fucking
minds.
I was joking
with a buddy
yesterday.
I went to
those meetings,
I just
didn't relate
to them.
But you're
fucking
yellow-fingered
donut eaters.
Everything
that they
did,
they're going
to smoke
cigarettes.
They smoked
it all the
way down
to the point
their fingers
were brown
and yellow.
I never
saw so many
brown and
yellow fucking
fingers in my
life and
just scarfing
down donuts.
Anything to
get a rush.
It was fucking
hilarious.
They're all
up to,
you know,
I'm fucking
sober.
I didn't
want to be
in the back
like,
you're still
killing yourself.
You're fucking
smoking a pack
of cigarettes
during the
meeting and
you're filling
yourself up
with fucking
sugar.
Yeah,
you won't
die of
cirrhosis of
the liver,
but you'll
die of
heart disease
and then
all those
fucking
friends of
Bill
are going
to be
like,
it was
a success.
He gave
himself,
he realized
he was
powerless
against his
fucking
They should
have a room
right next
to it.
You know,
cigarettes and
donuts
anonymous.
I actually
don't think
it's like
that anymore.
I mean,
I literally
went to
those
meetings
like
fucking
over
30
years
ago.
How fast
time's
going by.
So anyway,
so I think
because I,
you know,
just getting
these substances
out,
I just
been a
little
fucking
short
fuse
and
I got
my truck
washed
and
you know,
I had some
work done
in the
garage
and you
know,
they had
cut a little
bit of the
ceiling out
and they got
this fucking
dust all over
the place.
By the way,
I love when
somebody comes
over to your
fucking house
to fix
something and
if you have
tools lying
around,
they just
fucking
just start
using them.
You know what I
mean?
Like I had a
ladder in the
garage and I
see these
footprints and
these guys
just fucking
use the
ladder.
You know what
I mean?
Like all of
my shit gets
drafted into
their little
fucking war
they have to
fight,
like fix
the shit.
Bring your own
fucking tools.
Use your own
fucking tools
you cunts.
They do it all
the fucking
time.
They're like
they