Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-28-22
Uploaded: 2022-07-28T20:49:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-28-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-28-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-28. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-28-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking to see how your work week is going.
You know, you're out there, you put your pants on one leg at a fucking time.
Oh, Jesus. Speaking of which, I got to go to work today.
You know, sorry for the frogginess of my voice. I just, I woke up. I literally
just woke up.
And I was just like, I got to go do my podcast. You know, went right to work.
Did I get some cereal? No. Did I have an English muffin? No.
What did I do? I fucking turned off the outside lights, walked out to my garage,
my gay-rage.
I put the gay in gay-rage and just went right to work. You know, it's the kind
of guy I am.
Anybody can come downstairs, you know, read a newspaper. Does that even fucking
exist anymore?
I actually saw a guy yesterday at the gym riding an exercise bicycle while
reading the sports page.
Like a newspaper. I was like, wow, that guy is fucking, he's going old school.
I will tell you, it does bother me when I see people like, you know, when they're
on like a fucking elliptical.
And they're going like really slow or they're walking slow or they're riding
the exercise bike slow and they're just staring at their phone.
It just drives me up the fucking well because I know they're just like, you
know, I can't lose.
I just can't lose. I go to the gym.
I do cardio every day.
No, you don't.
You don't.
I mean, you're doing more than just sitting there.
I will give you that.
Oh my God.
Can we get into pet peeves at the gym?
How about the asshole that does cardio first, gets fucking dripping wet, sweaty,
then goes over to the stretching area, lays down on the fucking floor,
stretches out, doesn't even wipe it up.
Fucking unreal.
You know, I remember years ago, I stopped going to the gym where I lived in my
last house.
I put like a little mini gym in there.
And of course, the first day is when I fucked up my rotator cuff.
I'd already fucked it up and didn't realize.
And I put like the 45, 145 on each side, 135 pounds, do a little warm-up set,
knock out 10, see if I can still put up a buck 80 for four, right?
Brought it down one time, fucked my whole shoulder up.
But the reason why I made, the reason I made that little gym there was because
I got grossed out going to the gym just thinking like, this is just, it's just
a bunch of sweaty people sweating all over a bunch of shit, you know?
And I know you got the little bottles here.
You spray it, do whatever, makes you feel better.
I don't know.
I just got all fucking grossed out.
Here's another one.
I saw a guy benching at the squat rack.
Fucking annoying.
What about the woman that does the bent-over rows on like the bench, at the
bench station?
It's like, no, no, no.
You can't fucking do that.
Everybody wants that thing.
And at the very least, if you're going to go over there, you could be doing the
bench press instead of another exercise that's taking up the bench press
station.
Another one.
You're doing lat pull-downs at one of those lat fucking row station giant
things.
And then there's a pull-up bar.
And some dad bod guy comes over there and he starts doing fucking pull-ups.
And he's so fucking fat like the entire fucking thing is rocking back and forth
like you're on an old swing set.
And you're in the middle of your set trying to get your reps in.
Down one, two.
You know, up one, two.
Down one, two.
Three, four.
Down one, two.
Explode down.
And don't forget the negative, right?
Four, three, two, one.
One, two.
Four, three, two, one.
That's just some little things.
Just some little things.
What about when the fucking guy, some guy's doing like pyramids and he needs
like dumbbells.
And he grabs one of like 19 different weights.
And you go over there and there's like nothing.
Fucking standing there looking around for Rick Allen.
Did Rick Allen just join the gym?
I thought Def Leppard was on tour.
Where the fucking can I have one pair of fucking dumbbells here?
And it's always the ones that everybody uses, right?
20, 25s, and 30s.
Like, you know, those are probably the most popular.
Maybe 15s to 25s.
You get up to like 30 pounds doing curls when you're my age.
It's just like, what am I trying to prove here?
That I'm still dumb enough to hurt myself and try to live too much weight?
30 pounds is just, you know, this is, I mean, I'm all natural people.
You get to be 54 years old.
30 pounds is just like, Jesus.
You know?
What am I, carrying a fat person across the threshold over here?
Remember that was like a thing you had to fucking do?
Did you ever even have to do it?
Or did you just somebody do it in the movies in Hollywood and everybody felt
like they had
to do it?
You got to carry your wife across the fucking, because she's finally going to
bang you.
So you got to pick her fat ass up, right?
You got to walk her across the threshold.
It's just like, well, what are we?
Just the whole beginning of that.
All right, get used to it, buddy.
This is the amount of work you're going to have to get in.
You're going to have to put in so both of you can experience pleasure.
She's just going to fucking lay there.
Oh, Bill, what is going on?
I don't know.
I just have a ton of fucking work to do today.
I don't want to tell.
I'm just being an asshole.
I got to knock out this next pass of the movie.
We turn it in.
It's the movie is going to be fucking really good.
I'm talking shit early.
I'm not talking shit.
I'm just I'm just stating facts.
It's going to be really fucking good.
I have the movie trailer ready to go.
And.
Yeah, I'm fucking psyched.
It's becoming fun to go into the edit room because everything is working and
just doing a little.
You know, nip and tuck here or there.
So very excited.
So pretty soon we're going to have the picture locked and then we're going to
score it.
Meaning we're going to have the music and then they're going to colorize it.
So everything looks nice.
And then I think it's I think it's done.
I have no idea.
You know, my daughter, right?
She's got this thing now.
She's just like, Dad, I want you to sleep with me.
I don't like sleeping alone and all this type of stuff.
I'm like, well, Dad sleeps with Mom.
I can't.
She goes, just one night.
Can you just come in like one night or whatever?
So I was like, all right, tomorrow night I'll do it.
And she's all upset.
I go, listen, you got to understand something.
All right.
I go, I love you.
Do you understand that?
I go, you are literally the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
And I'm so proud you're my daughter.
And you know what she said?
She said, Dad, can you buy me a Batman costume for Halloween?
That was her response.
And I fucking died laughing.
And then that became the bit.
I was like, stop asking me for stuff when I'm saying nice things for you.
I'm saying nice things to you.
And then she immediately smiled.
And then I just started saying all this lovey-dovey stuff to her.
And she just, you know, can you get me Minecraft?
She's obsessed with that because every kid, I guess, is out there playing
Minecraft.
It's like, no, you're not getting video games.
It starts off nice.
You build a village and then you got to start killing people.
The next thing you know, you're playing people online.
And that's where all the pedophiles are.
No, it's not happening.
Anything else is fucking cool.
Goddamn fucking stupid ass fucking internet.
It's just really like the amount of shit, I swear to God, that they just don't
give a fuck about.
I really think, I don't know.
This is fucking, I don't know if this is crazy.
But it's come right off the heels of, considering, you know, they've taken
abortion away in so many of these states.
Can we just like start killing sex offenders?
Pedophiles and all that?
You're not going to cure it.
So, that's it.
It's like, oh, you did what to who?
Okay, that's it.
That's it.
No?
Fucking Red Sox lost again.
Did I already talk about this?
I've started this podcast twice.
I can't remember.
Fucking lost again.
Fucking lost again.
They cannot hold a goddamn lead.
It was nice to see Bobby Darback go yard fucking twice.
Dude, I'm telling you, that big fucker, man.
He gets a hold of one.
It's going all the way out to fucking Kenmore Square.
I don't know.
Everybody's like shitting on the Red Sox when they suck.
It's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
All their starters are hurt.
Dude, they fucking, they fucking suck, dude.
Our best fucking player is, you know, Bobby Darback's playing third.
Devers is out.
Our whole fucking starting rotation is out.
Yes, we're going to have a tough time at the major league level.
That's why I think it's bullshit.
You know, if the Red Sox starters, you know, are the third team in major league
baseball to
go a month without getting a win.
I mean, that's a pretty easy thing to do when fucking all your starters are out.
I'm just saying, all right?
I don't want to get crazy here.
Hey, I'm coming around to the Guardians.
Took a second.
Really didn't like the name.
I'm like, yeah, it kind of sounds heroic.
Cleveland Guardians.
Does sound a little Federal Reserve type of thing, you know, like it's some
sort of Freemason shit.
Oh, no, it's just a gargoyle.
Hey, what's that little hand signal he's doing, you know?
You know those dumb groups, those secret societies.
What if anybody in a secret society, right, is just standing there wearing your
stupid hooded
robe to do something fucking, some sort of sacrifice to a farm animal before
you, you know, just
some formality so you don't want to feel like animals for having a big fucking
orgy?
I wonder if anybody ever just looks, one secret society member looks over at
another one just
being like, it's pretty stupid, isn't it?
Like, what are we doing?
Why am I walking around in this fucking robe?
Oh, man, I remember seeing that like a cult.
Why are fucking cults, they're always big on these, like, that gives them, like,
credibility.
Like, for morons, I swear to God, if they join a group and there's some sort of
robe involved
in a ceremony, oh my God, and then if people stand in a circle, forget it, it's
over.
Follow you to Central America and drink the Kool-Aid.
What the fuck was that guy's name?
Jonestown.
Not Bobby Jones, he played for the 76ers.
Bobby Jonestown was in the spectrum.
Dude, that guy, I swear to God, he looked like he managed a country band and he
was stealing
money from him.
These fucking people followed this guy down to Central America and they all
fucking, when
the feds were closing in, the ultimate narcissist.
I'm going to go to jail, so I don't want to go to jail.
I'm going to kill myself, but you guys all have to kill yourselves with me
because who could
go on living if I'm not here?
You know, it'd be wild to join one of those groups and just start heckling the
leader.
You know, especially if they're saying that they're Christ.
Oh yeah, dude, why don't you go walk on some water?
Oh, like when you're like going to join?
Did I ever tell you that time when I was out here and somebody told me,
somebody, you know, I was looking for an acting class
and this actor goes, oh, you should go to this acting class, right?
And I go over there and, uh, you know, I, I audit the class and I'll tell you,
it was weird.
Like it was definitely a weird vibe, right?
I'm sitting in the class and they would say like,
Oh, does anybody at the beginning of class, does anybody have any news?
And somebody raises their hand and I go, this is the 90s.
So these TV shows are going to be old.
And the person raises their hand and what's your news?
I just booked an episode of JAG.
And then the whole class, like ridiculously loudly starts cheering, like,
whoa, whoa, like fucking clap on their hands, like ridiculously fucking loud.
And I was like, all right, well, what was that all about?
Right.
And then somebody else, what are you going to say?
I booked a two episode arc on, uh, on friends.
And then everybody fucking going nuts.
So I'm thinking in my 