Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-1-22
Uploaded: 2022-08-01T16:32:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-1-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-1-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-01. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-1-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
August 1st. Oh my God, where is the fucking summer going? I've barely had time
to get a lobster roll.
Have you had the lobster roll down at Mark's? Oh, it's to fucking die for.
The only thing I don't like is the fucking line is so goddamn long, I go
through half a pack of ciggies, waiting for it.
By the time I get up there, I've burned all my taste buds, so I can't taste the
lobster butter.
Yeah, it's August 1st. Who the fuck knew? I don't, I don't, by the way, I don't
fuck with lobsters.
Can you tell I'm tired as shit? I took a fucking, I don't know, red eye, but
not a red eye, early morning flight back.
I barely slept because there was a bunch of comics in the plane.
Coming back from Montreal.
Had a great time up there at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Before I get into that, let's talk about why I don't fuck with lobster.
Because they boil them alive, and then people who aren't lobsters say that the
lobsters don't feel anything.
Rather than they don't have a voice to be like, um, could you turn down the
heat a little bit?
I'm getting a little red in my lobster ass, or we, right?
They can't say anything.
You know?
There aren't many fish that say anything.
Unless they're mammals, then they kind of run their yaps.
Is that dolphin a mammal?
Because it's got a couple little fucking whiskers.
You know, like that dude who can just never grow a beard his whole fucking life.
That's actually a good thing.
If you're pretty hairless, usually means you keep it on top of your head.
But those fucking guys with the hairy backs in gym class in like 8th grade,
they fucking look like a substitute teacher by the time they're 19.
Yeah, I don't fuck with lobster.
I still don't understand.
You know, I bet if I was to look right now.
If I was to be inquisitive.
I would look this up right now.
Okay.
Humane way to cook lobster.
All right?
Which is kind of funny.
Because you imagine if lobsters ate us.
Oh, believe me, buddy.
If they could, they would.
They could get...
If those fucking claws were a little bit bigger, they'd take a lot more than
just your finger.
How do we do this here?
Let's see here.
Lobster is best when killed immediately.
Before cooking.
Well, shit, let's get to it.
Unless you bought a frozen lobster.
What you brought home from the market is alive and kicking.
And that leaves the task up to the cook.
What is the most humane way to dispatch of a lobster?
Well, I respect this article because it says it did say killed.
So they're not trying to like sugarcoat killed.
This is just good writing because they already said killed in the paragraph.
And for some reason, when people are just talking, they repeat the same words
all the time.
Like, are you fucking kidding me?
Dude, are you fucking kidding me?
You know, a better writer would have said, dude, are you fucking kidding me?
And then be like, bro, kid.
Are you fucking shitting me?
Um, while plunging the live lobster into a pot of boiling water will surely be
fatal, there is some to debate as to whether it is cruel.
Now, who the fuck in the world is like, it's not cruel.
It's absolutely cruel.
It's whether or not you give a fuck that you're doing it.
Uh, the lobster's thrashing tail often makes a knocking sound inside the pot,
sometimes loosening the lid.
And that can make the cook or those nearby waiting for dinner a bit
uncomfortable.
Yeah, I wish this thing getting boiled alive wouldn't quit disrupting our meal.
Hey, we're over here trying to eat the appetizers.
Could you fucking get boiled alive a little quieter?
Uh, but does the lobster suffer?
The jury is still out on this one, but most chef agrees that dispatching a
lobster before cooking is the best approach.
Killing before cooking.
There are a few ways to kill a lobster.
Oh, Jesus.
But there's only one way to get it in the pot.
Uh, by doing it before cooking, you have the option to boil, bake, steam, or
cook it another way.
Freeze the lobster by placing it in the free...
Oh, my...
Now it's got to freeze to death.
What would you choose?
Boil to...
You got to go freeze to death.
You got to go with the cold.
There's me some asshole out there going, like, well, actually, if you boil to
death, it'd be over quicker.
They're both agonizing deaths.
Shut up, fucking death expert.
Uh, freeze the lobster by placing it in the freezer for 30 to 60 minutes before
putting it...
You can't just fucking take a little club and hit him on the head.
There you go.
A quicker option is to plunge a knife straight down into the carapace, part of
the exoskeleton on the lobster's back.
Paste the tip of the sharp chef's knife behind the lobster's eyes, right below
where the claws meet the body, and halfway to the first joint.
Swiftly plunge the knife down through the head.
The legs will continue to move a bit, but the lobster is, in fact, dead.
Why is there so many mysteries with these fucking lobsters about whether they're
feeling shit, whether they're alive or dead?
I'm getting to the point where I'm going to start blaming the victim.
You know, maybe if these lobsters knew how to communicate a little better, they
could avoid such a horrible death.
Um, anyway, oh, my God.
So fucking wiped out, but...
My kids are coming back from, uh, hanging out over some friends' houses.
Um, their friends' house, they had a play date today.
My wife's bringing them back.
And they're going to be back here in, like, a little bit.
I haven't seen them in two days, so I don't want to do anything else other than
play with them today.
So, I am knocking this the fuck out.
Um, yeah, so I was up in Montreal.
I played the Bell Centre, where the hated Habs, the Abitant, Bleu Blanc et
Rouge, play.
Um, it was fucking incredible.
Uh, what an amazing crowd.
They were, uh, just great sense of humor, and they just really listened.
Oh, you could take them on a ride.
I had an absolute fucking blast, and, uh, we showed the movie trailer for Old
Dads.
Everybody seemed to really enjoy that, and, um, I'm getting, uh, very excited
about whenever that movie comes out.
And, uh, I worked with, uh, Nate Craig and Joe Bartnick.
They both absolutely killed.
Thank you to Bruce Hills and everybody at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Um, I had a, I had a great time, although I was a little depressed just
thinking about how long I'd been going to that thing.
I don't, it was just something got me, you know.
I just think I spent a little bit too much time alone in the hotel room.
The smoke started catching up with me, and I just started thinking about, man,
I remember when I first came here.
Because, you know, it's like shit had changed and stuff, you know.
I still did the hike up the stairs in that fucking, uh, that beautiful park
they have.
I always take a picture of the Montreal Expo Stadium, Olympic Stadium.
Where, uh, where I'm coming with you.
If I'm not mistaken, I think Bruce Jenner, before he became Caitlyn, won the
decathlon there.
Wouldn't that be amazing if Caitlyn Jenner came back and, you know, did the decathlon
and then won?
And then could be the first person to ever win the male and female decathlon.
I mean, when is that going to happen again?
What do I mean again?
It never happened.
But if it did happen, um, you know, if Bruce didn't waste all that time on
chips, instead of doing chips, if he just became Caitlyn, did a couple episodes
of Cagney and Lacey, you know.
He could have won them both.
It's got to haunt him or her.
Um, oh, by the way, rest in peace, uh, Bill Russell, the great Bill Russell,
has passed away.
Um, just one of the most important figures maybe in sports history.
Right up there with, uh, Ali, Jackie Robinson, and everybody else of that era.
Um, I think it's amazing that he lived to be 88 at his height, you know.
How many, like, 6'9", 6'10", old guys do you see walking around?
And do you know why that is?
It's because everybody gets the same size heart.
So it has to work that much harder to pump the blood to the tip of your toes
and come back again.
Which is why even putting on a few pounds, you know, puts all this pressure on
your heart.
Um, I don't know why I would go into that.
But, I mean, just like, you know, there's been so many big men over the years
that die prematurely.
Like, Will Chamberlain, I thought, I don't even know if he made 60.
Um, Moses Malone was another one.
Daryl Dawkins.
All these big men that I, you know, either just missed or watched their careers
have gone on to pass.
And Bill Russell continued to live, lived to be 88.
So that's, um, that is amazing.
But, um, one of the great, greats of all time.
And, um, yeah, that fucking blows.
But, I mean, it's 88.
It's a weird thing when you live a long life.
You know, there's nobody left.
But there's actually a lot of Celtics left.
That's kind of like the depression that I had when I was up in Montreal.
You know, when I wasn't around anybody.
I was kind of going around the fucking city.
And, like, just all the fucking memories I had.
And how much time has gone by.
And how many people I hung out with that are no longer here anymore.
It's just fucking wild.
You know, a couple people have lost their minds.
A couple people are dead than other people.
You know, like me, got married, had kids.
And you just don't have time to fucking hang out.
And I'm just like, what the fuck?
And I was like, I gotta fucking get out of here.
I gotta go do the stairs.
I gotta keep going.
You know, it's really crazy.
But if you're into that sort of morose.
Sort of, if you're feeling that.
You want to watch it.
I mean, if you're a little down in the dumps right now.
And maybe you just want to hang there for a little longer.
And you need a movie that will be a nice company for you.
On the Criterion channel.
You know, that says that's all the best shit.
There's no way to bring up that you watch that channel without coming off like
a snob.
I watched this movie that I'd never heard of called Fat City.
Starring Stacey Keech.
I have my fucking brain.
I can't think of anybody.
And Jeff Bridges.
And then the woman in it got nominated for an Oscar.
I should just pull this up right now.
It's a boxing movie.
Beautifully shot.
Let me see here.
Fat City Cast.
There we go.
There we go.
Susan.
Susan Terrell.
Nicholas Colasanto.
Is that how you say his name?
Actually played coach on Cheers.
Was in Raging Bull and all of that.
Just a fucking incredible movie.
I checked that out.
So.
I watched a lot of shit.
When I was in Montreal.
I usually go to like the Young Comic Showcase.
I wasn't able to get to it.
Because my flight got so delayed.
And I was only there for like 36 hours.
So.
I went over to this place called The Nest.
Had a great time.
Ran into Tommy Tiernan.
Oh.
Tommy Tiernan.
I didn't even know he was going to be there.
And I had.
Just in the brief time that I saw him.
Had a lot of laughs.
Just such a great guy.
One of the great comics in the world.
I got to see him do a hilarious set.
And I didn't even realize that as I was leaving.
That the place where that comedy club is.
Was where the original Montreal Forum was.
Where Rocket Richard and all of those guys played.
Not the one in the middle.
That I associate with Guy Cabineau.
Chris Chelios.
Chris Nyland.
Who else?
Patrick Wa.
Spoboda.
Stéphane Richet.
Oh my God.
It's funny.
Now I look back like fondly.
At all those memories and everything.
But when we were playing those.
I fucking hated all of those guys.
And now I'm like.
I don't know.
I think that's being in your 50s.
You think back going like.
How cool is that?
I used to go to the Boston Garden.
I remember getting.
One time I got tickets right in the glass.
And fucking.
Just was right there.
And you know.
All of those guys that I fucking hated.
And I watched them on.
WSBK TV 38.
Before Nesson came around.
Fred Cusick.
And who's his.
Oh my God.
What the fuck was his.
Before Derek Sanderson.
Was it Johnny Pearson?
I'll tell you right now Fred.
All you youngsters out there.
Watch this.
Ricky Mid