Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-8-22
Uploaded: 2022-08-08T18:13:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-8-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-8-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-08. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-8-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, August 8th, 2022!
What's going on? How are ya?
Jesus Christ, August 8th already.
Where is this summer going?
Jesus Christ, every year we say it. We say we need to enjoy it.
We say we need to enjoy it, and by the time you get the pool inflated, it's
time to take it down. It's crazy.
Well, fortunately, there's global warming, so the summer continues into like
the first week of October, alright?
So you've got time. You've still got time to get your revenge body.
I love that whole idea of revenge body.
You broke up with me. I'm going to get my vengeance by getting in shape.
Well, maybe if you weren't a dumpy fuck, you wouldn't have got broken up with.
You ever think of that?
You let yourself go.
You took your foot off the gas.
Also, they were nice enough to realize they didn't love you, and they let you
go, so now you can find true love.
Someone who will accept you for who you are.
A person who stays in shape to get somebody, and then lets themselves go.
No, I'm kidding.
Anyway, I don't even know where to begin with this fucking week I had.
This whole fucking world, man, is so much nicer than it's being presented on
social media.
To the point people are like literally losing their fucking minds.
I was driving over to a buddy of mine's house.
He was writing something, right?
And I'm driving down the street, and a guy outside his house, he had a sign.
It said, warning, my sense of humor might offend your liberal sensibilities.
He had that outside his house.
First of all, I just don't like the whole footloose vibe of that guy.
You know, like he's fucking, you know, moving to the small town, and we're not
allowed to dance, and he's going to show us what the real world is like.
It's first of all, no one's going in your house.
Warning, man, the way I joke around, you're not going to be able to handle it,
man.
Because you're too sensitive, man.
You can't handle the real world the way I can, man.
You know, I was just talking to somebody, you know, what's funny is how, like,
fucking dumbass liberals, like, don't even know what's going on in the fucking
world.
Because they call, like, 48 of the 50 states, like, flyover states, because
they're too good for it, right?
And then the fucking morons living in the red states don't know shit about the
blue states.
I don't know.
It's a weird thing when you go to both, and you're kind of like, yeah,
everybody's just kind of cool, man.
Like, I don't know, everybody's just sort of going out, doing their thing,
getting a sandwich.
There's not a whole bunch of shit going on here.
I was just talking to somebody, you know, about that stereotype of Hollywood,
that there's all these guys up in the hills.
You know, fucking pedophiles banging underage chicks and all this shit, right?
And the red states always say that.
And then you look at the red states, and their age of consent, on average, is
16 years old.
So it's like, well, what the fuck are you guys doing out there?
I think it's safe to assume that if you moved out to California, where the age
of consent is 18, a lot of you guys would be in the same fucking trouble.
Oh, Billy's going hypocrisy on this one.
I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm just fucking around.
That sign just fucking...
That sign is the number one thing that is just cringeworthy when you watch
either a movie or some fucking rock star or a comedian, anything.
Is there anything worse than the fucking person that thinks they're dangerous?
And they're not.
And they do like that preemptive...
Because, you know, I know you don't mean...
You don't know what's going to come out of my mouth.
Only when women are just like, you know, guys can't handle me.
Most people can't fucking just completely wrapped up into like the universe of
them.
Like, how fucked up are...
Like, that guy, I swear to God, who has that sign, he comes home and turns on
the 24-hour news network that agrees with him and just fills his head with that
shit.
And then he goes online and types in capital letters.
Like, why would you waste your fucking...
I don't know.
But then on the other side, he's living out here in California.
He's conservative.
He's probably sick of his neighbors.
I'm trying to go empathy in my older age, you know?
Not like there isn't a bunch of wild, stupid shit out here.
I really don't have a dog in the fight, to be honest with you, at this point.
But anyway, oh my God.
You're not going to fucking believe what happened to me.
I went to spend a time with my kids and I went to one of these little playland
things for kids.
And they had this structure where once your kids went in it, like, you couldn't
really go in there and be with the kids.
See, it's kind of this, you know, it's unsettling.
Because they go around the corner, you can't see them.
There's a whole bunch of people there.
There's a whole bunch of adults.
And it's like, I think everybody here is a parent.
I don't know what's going on.
It just, it had that fucking fly in the ointment vibe.
So I already didn't like it.
And I'm in there.
My son's in there.
And there was this bigger kid was trying to get him a plastic ball.
My son's, you know, only two.
He doesn't know what's going on.
And the kid got frustrated.
He took the fucking ball and smashed it over my son's head like twice.
So I'm on the mesh thing going, hey, hey, hey, you know, stop doing that.
Knock it off.
So my son's freaked out.
He, like, runs away.
And the big kid, I don't know if he felt bad.
He fucking runs over to him.
And, like, my son's freaking out.
Like, get the fuck away from me.
And I can't get in there to break it up.
So all I can use is my voice.
So that's what I'm using.
And then the dad came over, right?
And he's on the other side of the structure.
He gets the kid to get away.
And then he looks at me.
And he goes, like, yeah, we good, bro?
Are we good?
That's what he says to me.
And, like, listen, I'm no tough guy.
But, like, something about when somebody tries to bully me, I forget that I,
you know, haven't had a fight in three decades.
So I take a step towards the mesh.
And I go, what?
And I forget what else he said.
So next thing you know, this fucking idiot is walking through the structure,
like, hunched over.
Like, the hunchback of Notre Dame coming over to my side.
And I go, oh, here we go.
I'm like, is he coming in here to keep a closer eye on his kid?
Or what's going to happen?
So I'm standing at the bottom of this fucking area.
I'm standing ankle deep in colorful balls.
And this fucking dad comes in.
He doesn't look at me.
He's got his back to me.
And he starts, like, bumping into me.
Right?
With his back to me.
You know, I don't know a lot about MMA and martial arts and defense.
But I don't think that's a good way to start a physical confrontation.
I'm going to turn my back on you and start bumping into you.
So I address it.
And then he turns around.
And he looks at me.
He goes, what do you, like, what do you, like, a buck 80?
I thought he was going to ask me how much I bench.
So I just smile and I just look at him.
Right?
I'm like, all right.
This guy weighs me like 60 pounds.
So he's going to lunge at me.
I'm going to jump back and take the back of his head.
Push him down to the plastic balls.
And I'm going to get out of here.
That was my only move.
And it just keeps going.
And then he starts, he turns his back again.
Right?
Because I just sort of laughed when he said it.
I said, I forget what the fuck I said.
I just laughed at him.
Because I knew, I kind of feel like if someone's going to hit you, they just go
in and do it.
They don't come in and turn their back to you.
And it's just like, all right, this guy is doing, he's, he's going machismo
here.
He's trying to, he's trying to urinate all over this space.
So if I was more mature, I would have given up the space.
But I'm a fucking bald orange cunt.
So I don't.
And I stand there.
And then he starts talking shit about me, not looking at me.
So I go, is that, is that directed at me?
And he's like, no, I'm just talking to myself.
It's a free country.
You Biden voters haven't taken that away yet.
And I go, Jesus.
I go, you one of those 24-hour news watching guys?
And then he tried to flip it around and be like, oh, it's because I'm brown,
right?
I guess he was Mexican.
I don't know.
I don't know what he was.
He was fat.
That's what I knew.
And whatever.
We're just going back and forth.
And I'm really fucking, I don't know.
It's like I'm enjoying it, but I'm not, it's, you know, because my kids are
there and shit.
So we're just jawing back and forth.
They're the ones that's going to back down.
And then this Asian dude came in.
This is a very progressive story.
We got like almost every racist involved here.
The Asian version of, I was going to say nice guy, Eddie.
Nice guy, Eddie was not a nice guy, but I would, I'm going to call him nice guy,
Eddie.
He comes and he goes, hey, come on guys, not in front of the kids, not in front
of the kids.
Then he goes to give me a fist bump.
And I was more mad at him than the other guy.
I'm like, what the fuck are you trying to settle me down for?
I didn't fucking do anything.
This, this guy's fucking lunatic kid is smashing my kids, you know, over the
head.
So he goes to give me a fist bump.
I just fucking look at him.
He's like, come on, bro.
I look at him.
Come on, bro.
And he, and then he just crawls out.
So now this guy's fucking giving, giving me shit.
He goes, he goes, don't even fucking act like you weren't me mugging my kid.
And I go, your kid smashed the ball over my kid's head twice.
And before I even said it, he goes, no, he didn't.
No, he didn't.
I'm like, you're one of those guys.
You're one of those fucking guys, right?
So, um, I don't know.
We just do this dumb shit.
It was so dumb.
It was so dumb and it was so long and neither one of us was going to fight.
It was so fucking stupid.
And then he finally has to go.
So then he's got to crawl out, right?
He probably said something else.
I don't remember.
So then now I'm out of the thing later on because I thought he left.
And all of a sudden I'm sitting down trying to watch my kid in all the blind
spots of this
structure and he comes walking by and he goes, all right.
He goes, have a nice day, grandpa, right?
Call me an old dad.
So I go, all right, buddy, keep eating that cake.
And it actually hurt his feelings.
He stopped.
So then I stood up because, you know, I thought he was going to sucker me or
something, right?
And he just goes, I can run rings around you, bro.
I can run rings around you.
And then he just fucking walked out.
And I was just like, and then people at the front decks were like, what
happened?
What was that?
I'll tell you what that was.
It's your fucking lunatic structure here where you have kids of all ages.
Jesus Christ.
You got like nine-year-olds and they're like jumping down the slide where you
got toddlers
down the bottom of it.
That's what's going on here.
So, um, I don't know.
Looking back, honestly on it, by the time he saw what was going on, I was
yelling at his
kid.
So I understand why he did that.
So what I should have said was say, listen, I'm sorry I raised my voice at your
kid.
It was that your kid was hitting my son with a ball.
He probably, he probably, no, he wasn't.
If he, you know, I'm, I'm just saying if I'm, I'm actually giving this guy the
benefit
of the doubt.
So I don't carry this for another week that like, if I had said that, um, that
maybe he
would have heard what happened earlier and we could have just fucking been
friends, you
know, but whatever.
I never said anything fucked up about his kid.
I never took it any further than that.
He brought up weight first and then he, he attacked me with ageism.
Um, he was really annoying me.
He was saying, yeah, keep playing.
He goes, you know, you got to be careful.
There's no, you know, there's no bubble machine in here.
He was doing that.
He was doing that, that classic fucking, you know, this i