Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-22
Uploaded: 2022-08-15T19:13:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-15. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm not checking in on you.
Today's the Monday morning podcast. That's what it is.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyway, I'm on vacation here.
I'm not really on vacation because I have the biggest gig of my fucking life in
six days.
Six, five, four, three.
It's just sitting here with the damn thing, like, just hanging over my head.
I just want to go do the fucking show.
Jesus Christ.
It's so funny, too. It's like the last day of my vacation.
So my whole vacation, I can't fucking relax because I got this giant gig just
fucking sitting there.
I feel like, you know, like in between like the AFC championship game and the
Super Bowl when they used to have like a two-week break.
I don't know if they still have that. They go back and forth.
You have that one Sunday where you just don't play.
That's what I feel like right now where it's just like I know it's going to go
great, but I'm sick of like fucking waiting to do it.
Let's just fucking, let's just do it, you know?
So I think I've been a little on edge here, even though I've been having a
great time.
I bought a Patriots fitted hat the other day and like it just quickly escalated
into the fact of like, you know, if I say one more thing, I'm actually going to
have to fight this guy.
And he was like 6'5", 300 pounds and could have swallowed me like a fucking Komodo
dragon.
So once again, I just had to like not say anything because I'm 5'10", 180, 54
fucking years old.
You know, it just started off so innocently.
I was like, hey, do you have this hat in seven and three-eighths or do you just
have seven and a quarter?
And he came walking over and he starts sifting through and he hands me a hat
and it was seven and a quarter.
I said, no, I said seven and three-eighths.
And the guy was just like, he goes, no, you didn't.
I go, yes, I did.
He goes, no, you didn't.
I said, I said seven and three-eighths.
And he goes, I know what you said.
You said seven and a quarter.
And then it just fucking escalated to this ridiculous fucking level.
And I just had to sit there and just be like, all right, he's way bigger than
me.
He can beat the fuck out of me.
And I just have to fucking take this, right?
And then I, like for half a second, I was like, I'm not going to buy the hat.
Like he gives a fuck, you know?
And then what?
Then this guy's a douche.
And then I also don't get the hat I want.
No, fuck that.
I'm going to get the hat.
And then I just walked out and I was so fucking pissed.
Like the way I got past my anger was thinking to myself, like that guy's not
going to be alive in 10 years.
At the height he is and the weight he is, because he wasn't muscular.
He was fat.
But you could see he used to maybe play some sports.
He fucking blocked for Emmett Smith.
So I was just like, you know what?
He'll be dead in 10 years.
Okay, so if you're ever wondering what it was like to be in Boston and
experience the atmosphere, that's what it's like.
Being in Boston is going in and just trying to buy a fucking hat of the local
sports team.
And some little fucking confusion about the fucking size.
You're now hoping that the person who sold you the fucking hat actually began
the sale and then just sort of fucking walked off and let somebody else handle
it.
You're hoping that that guy's going to be dead in 10 years.
Like that's the thing that is so you can go get on with your day and not take
it out on other fucking people.
It's un-fucking-believable.
I just wish I had the ability when he said, you said seven and a quarter.
Even though I knew he was fucking wrong, I should have just been like, oh, I'm
sorry.
Oh, my mistake.
Oh, did I?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.
My mistake.
I guess I don't know.
You know, I guess I don't know, Emil.
You're the fucking hat sizes.
Sorry, my kids are downstairs.
I said my fucking hat sizes.
I guess I don't know what that is.
And I guess you do, you fat fuck.
Fucking dickhead.
It was a food order.
He would have heard it.
You know, I swear to God, dude.
And everybody has this fucking story.
Do you know when I was driving up here?
Not driving up here.
I was going to the airport.
The guy driving me to the airport was a Yankee fan.
He told me 30 years ago he came up here because he always wanted to see Fenway
Park since he was a kid.
He had respect for the park.
He comes up here.
He's Puerto Rican.
He's got New York plates.
Somebody calls him a racial slur.
And next thing you know, you know what he did when he went to Fenway?
He didn't go in.
He didn't go to the game.
He walked up to the park and he took a piss on it and fucking drove back to New
York.
That's what this place is.
That's what it's always been.
And I'm just hoping these younger kids who are all claiming that they're woke
are truly woke.
And they'll finally turn this place around because it is such a great place.
And I do love it.
But when I come back here and I just try to buy a fucking hat and I get so mad
I'm wishing an early death on the person that started to sell me the hat and
then just tapped out because of his own fucking childhood issues.
I think to myself, you know what?
It's kind of great that my kids aren't going to grow up with this.
We'll just visit once a year.
We'll come in.
We'll get some fucking clams.
We'll go to a couple of games.
We'll drive around.
We'll have some bar pizza.
We'll visit the relatives.
And then we'll just get out of here.
And we'll go back to fucking L.A., which is completely racist in an entirely
different way.
It is amazing, though, how much people don't understand Los Angeles at all.
And they just think it's all like, oh, everybody out there is so fucking
plastic and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It's like, as far as L.A. goes, like Hollywood is like the size of like a postage
stamp.
And the rest of it is a bunch of fucking lunatics.
You know, gun owners, fucking racist fucking lunatics.
And I'm not saying gun owners are racist.
I'm just saying they think it's all fucking hippy-dippy out there.
It is.
In Hollywood, it is.
The second you get outside of that, forget it.
Forget it.
It will give any conservative fucking city a run for its money.
But that's not what people fucking think of.
Anyway, so, yeah, so I spent a couple days here.
As you can tell, I'm fucking on edge here.
I just really just want to do this fucking show.
I just want to do the show.
Just do the fucking show, all right?
Instead of like, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
But in the meantime, I've been having a great time.
You know, we found this great coffee shop that has an absolutely incredible
espresso up here.
And it had amazing pastries and breakfasts.
You know, they have like fucking, on the weekend, they have like lamb hash or
whatever.
I didn't try it because I'm trying not to be a fat fuck for this gig.
But, you know, really nice place.
Like one of those Food Network kind of places, you know.
So we're standing there.
It was like Saturday.
So, you know, it was a little bit of a line.
And it was moving or whatever.
But, you know, so there's this couple behind us.
And the woman says to the boyfriend, it's just like, oh, man, it's kind of a
line here.
You want to go someplace else?
What do you think?
You want to go someplace else?
And he's like, yeah, this place is a fucking shit show.
It's like, it's not a shit show.
They're not fucking up the orders.
Nobody's screaming and yelling.
There's just a line.
That, like, that alone makes it a shit show.
It's a fucking shit show.
A shit show?
It's too crowded.
I don't want to wait.
I get that.
But it's not a shit show.
It was a very well-run fucking restaurant.
And you didn't want to wait for eight people to order whatever the fuck it is
that you want to fucking order.
So now, dude, it's a fucking shit show.
Dude, the post office is a fucking shit show.
All right, going to the mall over Christmas is a fucking shit show.
That's a shit show.
Standing in line with eight people in front of you with fucking every option
you could possibly ever want for breakfast.
I mean, dude, they had it all.
Avocado toast, fucking French toast, all the fucking toast.
Any fucking pancake you want.
I mean, it was fucking Eden is where the hell you were.
It was a fucking shit show.
Anyway.
None of this has to do with anything other than the fact that I just want to
fucking, you know, I just want to do this fucking show.
Like on Saturday, I took my daughter to her first game.
And when I went into Fenway, that's, you know.
Actually, at one point I was, you know, because I was obviously taking in the
fact that I was taking my kid to her first game, which was so important.
It had to be at Fenway.
It had to be the Red Sox.
I wasn't going to make the mistake that my West Coast friends make where they
go to a fucking Red Sox game on the West Coast.
They go to like Red Sox versus the Angels.
And then like the Angels mascot comes up to the kid and fucking tosses him on
the head.
And then that's it.
Now the kid's a fucking Angels fan.
Not doing that.
I had to take her to Fenway.
We had to take the Green Line, had to get off at Kenmore Square, walk up the
hill, go over Mass Pike, listen to the scalpers, all of that shit.
And go in, you know, walk past with that poor guy who got called the bad word,
the fucking racial slur, pissed on the park.
And went in and we ended up having, we had a great time and my daughter was
totally in it, you know, into its Wally, the mascot or whatever, which I've
never been a fan of.
But now that she waved, he waved or whatever, you know, up to where we were
sitting, my daughter was convinced that he was waving at her.
By the second inning, she said to me, she goes, hey, dad, what do you think
about this?
What if I said this?
I said, what?
And she goes, Red Sox win, Yankees lose.
Red Sox win, Yankees lose.
And I was just like, that's right, buddy.
That's fucking great.
I didn't say fucking, but I'm like, that's great.
So I got her on board, hopefully.
But we just had like the best time.
My daughter's big thing was she wanted to eat Cracker Jacks because of the take
me out to the ball game song.
So I got a great picture of her cute little hands opening up her first package
of Cracker Jacks.
What else?
We took the train over there.
We got some great pictures.
But, you know, it was also like her, you know, her bedtime, you know.
So by the third inning, she was zonked out.
So we only, you know, she's only five.
We made three innings.
And then we went down to the pro shop across the street.
I got a hat.
She got herself something.
And then we cruised back.
There was a cab sitting out there.
We jumped in.
We went back to our hotel.
And it was just like the perfect day.
Because earlier that day, I'd gone by the hardware store.
And I bought a wiffle ball and bat.
And I was pitching to my daughter right in the Boston Commons.
She was fucking, you know, getting a lot of hits.
I was so proud of her.
And then my son wanted to go up and hit.
And because my daughter's a lefty, he started swinging lefty too.
So I think they're both going to throw right and bat left, which I think is
pretty cool.
And, you know, I was hanging in the park with just the two of them and my wife.
And then they have the make way for ducklings.
We rode on the swan boats.
Yeah, it was just, it was just like the perfect day.
It was like 72 degrees out, like both days.
Like the whole thing was perfect, which was so funny to be in the middle of
that paradise
and hear that guy going, oh, dude, it's a fucking shit show.
Well, my son's on one today.
All right, I'm going to have to fucking wrap this podcast up soon.
Anyway, well, Jesus, I only done 13 minutes.
What am I talking about here?
So anyway, yeah, so I'm back up here.
I actually did a spot at Nick's Comedy Stop.
I got to work with the great Mike Donovan, one of my favorite Boston stand-up
comics
and somebody that I learned so much from when I would open for him way back in
the day,