Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-25-22
Uploaded: 2022-08-26T19:09:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-25-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-25-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-26. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-25-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
What's going on? How are you? You know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting in
the dark.
I'm sitting in the dark. I'm waiting to do a show in Toronto. I am at the,
whatever the fuck they call this place, the Scotia.
Nice to know you. Scotia Center, fucking Belpac, fucking Tweeter, fucking
Target Center, Maple Leafs building.
It's my second night here, and a friend of my drum teacher came in with some
blue Vista lights, early 70s.
The, the, the event center was fucking, uh, empty, and I came in, and, uh, I
gotta tell you something, man.
Oh, fucking Billy Bonhamfoot is hanging around.
Oh, Billy Triplets.
Oh, fucking William Twinkle Toes.
Uh, the muscle memory was still there. I mean, it sounds like shit. It sounds
like, you know, a stand-up comedian who's also a dad who doesn't have time or
any musical ability is playing him.
Or the ability to say ability. Did you hear me get fucking stuck on that word?
Ability.
Uh, which is weird.
Because the middle of that word is my name. You'd think I could say it.
Um, anyway, so I sat down for like an hour, and I just smashed the shit out of
him.
They sounded great.
Uh, thank you to Josh, Davey Litch's friend up here, who brought in his own kit.
Not only did he bring the kit in, um, he had a friend of his on the bass drum
head, the, uh, the, the front bass drum there.
Had him put a, uh, a BB on there.
Well, instead of BR, like Buddy Rich, which was cool.
Um, so I went up there and just fucking bashed for like an hour.
It was so much goddamn fun.
Um, because usually I just sort of do, you know, one show and then leave.
But this is, um, you know, an incredible turnout here in Toronto.
So thank you to everybody.
And, uh, you know what I like about the Maple Leafs?
You know, they leave their banners up.
So you get a really cool sense of where you're at.
You know, you play the one in Montreal.
They take away their fucking, all their banners because they're so fucking
stuck up, right?
Like, oh, unless the, the Blue Blanquette rules, you know,
they're not going to fucking put them up there, right?
Um, which I don't understand.
Like, I don't know why they, well, they would do that.
It's like, well, part of the history of being in that building is seeing all of
those fucking banners
and whatever reason, they, they take them down.
Unless you buy a ticket for the Blue Blanquette rules, uh,
you'll buy the banners on the rafters.
Whatever the fuck they're doing.
Um, sorry, that made me fucking, my hacky French-Canadian bullshit just made me
fucking cough.
Um, but anyway, this is like my third trip to, uh, Canada this year.
And I'm going to tell you something right now, uh, uh, how would I say?
I would say, jambien, uh, I don't know, le Canada?
I quite like Canada.
Jambien, Canada?
Le Canada?
Oh, Canada.
I'm having a great time.
Right?
Fucking Vancouver's great.
Calgary, like, Calgary is literally Massachusetts with, with, it's more like if
Texas was Massachusetts
and it was in Canada.
It's, you know something, that's not even true.
My, my whole view of Calgary is tainted.
Uh, because, uh, meaning, meaning it's skewed.
Not talking about, uh, you know, the porno taint.
I mean, tainted as in skewed.
Um, because of the first time I was there with Verzi.
Paul Verzi, way back in the day.
We went there, and I don't know where we played, but these, it was the wintertime,
and I think everybody was going nuts because they were, like, cooped up or
whatever.
These fucking people drank like I had never seen.
And I really have to think, like, the next two times I played Calgary,
I was anticipating running into that because they were fucking animals that
first time I went out there.
I mean, I just remember, all I'm, like, when I, when I think of it,
I just think of the venue and just hearing the sound of a beer bottle tipping
over
and then slowly rolling to the front of the stage.
I heard that, like, nine times every show.
I mean, they were fucking lit.
And then the last two times I was there or whatever,
it has been cool, but I've just been anticipating,
especially the last time.
I played, like, a fucking park in the afternoon on the first show.
And it was great.
And then we also, we were downtown that time,
and the downtown area was great.
So I'm gradually shaking off my first experience in Calgary.
And none of it was that people were assholes.
They were just fucking wasted.
That's all I remember.
So anyway, and then I did a trip to Montreal,
which is always great, Montréal.
And then I went to, now I'm in Toronto,
and I'm having a great fucking time.
I found a great place to get an espresso.
I told you, my road breakfast,
my road breakfast, I have a double espresso and then an orange
after I go to the gym.
And it starts the day off right.
Anyway, so.
So I'm up here with Steph Toliv,
who's fucking killing it.
And she's from Toronto.
And she took me down to,
first of all, we went to the Hockey Hall of Fame.
It was right around the corner.
It's the second time I've been there.
And my big takeaway from that,
other than that hockey and golf have like some of the best trophies.
I think hockey just overall,
the trophies that they have are fucking incredible.
I think I might like, I like the Hart Trophy
because I just remember Wayne Gretzky would win it every year.
And then,
and then also the Conn Smythe,
I always thought was a cool one,
which I didn't realize.
I think this is a trophy.
Conn Smythe,
it has the old like make-believe gardens,
you know,
which is pretty cool.
Stadium on top of it.
But my big takeaway is,
I want to
get some shit out of my living room,
sell it or whatever.
And then I'm going to buy,
when my kids get a little bit older,
we're going to play that stand-up hockey game.
Fuck these tablets and all of that shit.
I'm going to get that bar level one
that you play.
And here's another thing too,
the kids were in there
and they were playing like PlayStation,
PS4,
PlayStation 4.
Last time I had a PlayStation,
it was like 20 years ago.
It was PlayStation 2
and they were playing the NHL one.
It was fucking unbelievable.
I was sitting there going like,
that's a video game?
That looks like a movie.
And I said to the kid playing,
I go,
can you fight somebody?
And he's like,
yeah.
He said,
all right.
So he was playing the other team
that wasn't the Maple Leafs
and he lined up against Tavares.
And I guess,
I don't know,
the computer wasn't trying.
He just kept fucking uppercutting the guy.
And I was just like,
dude,
you're going to have to pay for that
later on in this game.
You know,
you can't go after a goal scorer
on a face-off.
He hasn't fucking done anything
or whatever.
Whatever.
I had a good time
watching them play.
But I want to get one of those,
that stand-up game.
I want to get rid of like,
it's funny,
it's the area of the living room
where I was going to have a bar
back in the day
when I was a big booze hound.
I was going to buy a,
an Art Deco
like bar.
I don't know.
I was into booze,
right?
I was going to have some
Humphrey Bogart level
fucking bar over in the corner.
And then I'm like,
what am I doing?
You got kids.
It's over.
It's not your time anymore.
All right?
Just be your age.
Don't go out
and get a Brazilian butt lift
or whatever the fuck
these people my age
are doing now.
HGHing,
you know,
and taking before and after pictures
in their fucking 50s.
What a bunch of fucking creeps.
Dude,
my generation really turned out
to be a bunch of fucking creeps.
You know,
have you ever seen
anybody age worse
than fucking baby boomers
and Generation X
with all of this fucking shit
they're doing?
Jesus Christ.
Be a fucking man.
All right?
There's nothing wrong
with looking like
an old sea captain.
These fucking assholes.
And you know something?
Let me tell you what.
They're all a bunch
of fucking cheaters.
All of these fucking assholes
using all these
fucking injections
and all of that shit.
Dialing back the...
Whatever the fuck
they're dialing back.
You still look old as shit.
Walking around
looking like an old gorilla.
Anyway.
So,
Steph took me down
to this area
where it's this big...
It's just like
a big open market.
And,
um,
ended up getting a,
uh,
what did they have?
Was it the Godfather
or a classic
or something like that?
It was sausage,
egg plant,
and peppers.
And the sandwich
was so fucking big
and only ate
like half of it.
Um,
but it's sort of
a part of Toronto
that I've never been to.
It's sort of the,
uh,
the business area
or whatever.
And,
um,
I will tell you this,
man.
There's a...
They got a fucking
junkie problem up here.
You know what I mean?
Like,
every city,
you know,
you got your fucking
drug addicts
or whatever.
But,
like,
this is like
the only city
I've been to
in a minute
where,
you know,
you're walking
down the street
and you're like,
is that fucking
guy coming at me?
Am I nuts right now?
Is that guy,
like,
you know?
And then you're looking,
sort of trying not
to look at him
but also like,
can that person
even see me?
I saw this guy
come down
with this fucking
look of euphoria.
He must have
just got a fix.
And his eyes were up
and he was fucking
smiling wildly.
And you know the deal.
You know the deal
with junkies,
right?
You're just like,
just please,
for the love of God,
don't scratch me.
Don't touch me.
Don't,
nothing of you,
of your atmosphere
get on me.
Please.
Um,
I swear to God,
he came
and he was like,
you know,
this fucking guy.
I don't know,
he was like old school bald,
you know,
where he didn't,
he didn't shave the sides.
He kept the hair.
So he just had
this landing strip.
He looked,
he looked like
a fucking weatherman
from the 1970s,
just like tripping balls
coming down the street.
A little bit of red
in his fucking stubble.
I mean,
this guy was,
he was a fucking mess.
And I was,
I didn't know what to do.
Like,
I was kind of like,
you know what I mean?
You just sort of subtly
as you're walking
and you're waiting for,
you know,
any sort of quick movement
to spring out of the way.
You know,
they got a lot of people
talking to themselves.
Um,
but it's,
it's mostly normal people.
So that's the thing.
They,
they,
because there's just so,
you know,
99% of people
are just normal walking around.
Very nice,
very polite people.
So,
and then all of a sudden,
like,
and the junkies
are sort of hiding,
like amongst them.
Like,
it's like they're coming
out of a cornfield
except the corn is people.
You know what I mean?
All of a sudden,
you're thinking
you're just taking a stroll
down the street.
You're like,
it's Canada, man.
It's very nice.
It's very quaint.
It's a nice time of year
to come up here.
And then all of a sudden,
just like out of nowhere,
like a video game.
Junkie!
Fuck!
Happy junkie.
Happy junkie.
Angry junkie.
Talking to himself.
Zigzagging.
Diagonal walker.
Diagonal walker.
Coming out of the crowd.
Fingernails!
You know,
just that shit
where you're just like,
keep this the fuck away from me.
You gotta figure
they get a brand new batch
every year
with how cold it gets
in the winter.
There's no way
these fucking
one-shoed
fucking junkies
up here make it.
Although they have like
those underground tunnels
up here.
And I think they go
underground,
which is scarier
because then
you're kind of like
in these hallways
where, you know,
I always felt like
you know,
if you're above ground,
you know,
worst case scenario,
you can kind of
lead the junkie
into traffic.
And you can let,
you know,
a hatchback
do your dirty work
for you.
And that way
you don't have to like
touch them,
you know.
What do you feel like
crazy street person?
Like the way to go,
it's definitely
a front kick.
You know what I mean?
If any part of you
is going to touch them,
you want it to be
the bottom of your shoe.
And I know this sounds
like fucking heartless
or whatever,
but,
you know,
like what are you
supposed to do?
Like nobody,
for some reason
there's no money
to help out these people,
which is real