Name: Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-22
Uploaded: 2022-09-05T12:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-05. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, September 5th, 2022.
What's going on? How are ya? How you doing? I hope you're doing all right. I'm
not doing all right. I'm in a fucking depressed mood.
I really am. I just, you know, I think the way you stay out of depression is
you just give up hope, and then you just sit back and you just gotta fucking
laugh at the whole thing.
But you can't, because there's like kids involved. You know? Bill, what are you
talking about? You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about the fact it's
been over 100 degrees out, and it's gonna be that way for like five straight
days out here.
And like, if you read up on this shit, since the late 1950s, scientists were
warning corporations and politicians that these days were coming. They did
fucking nothing about it. They just kept taking the paychecks from the evil cunts.
They started making shit. What is the stuff where you design it to break?
Design obsolescence, whatever the fuck that they did. So you just had to keep
throwing your shit out. They put repairmen out of business. You just had to
keep buying the new thing. We just kept throwing the shit in the ocean.
And now here we are. Here we are, right? And then what are these fucking news
corporations gonna do, who allegedly love this country, and are allegedly
trying to steer us into a bluer or redder future, whatever the fuck their
politics are?
What are they doing? Nothing. All they're gonna do is just do what they do to
make money, is scare the herd.
Now you're gonna see a bunch of fucking articles about water and the scarcity
of water and all of that, and they're just gonna pit us against each other as
they're up there banging hookers, eating crab!
I give up.
I fucking give up. It was easier to give up when you could just go outside.
But, uh, like the level of fucking...
I mean, I went outside this morning to shut off the lights, you know?
I guess I shouldn't leave those on, huh?
It's a waste of shit, right? Maybe I should get a gun.
Instead of leave the lights on, that's probably better for... That's better for
global warming.
Don't leave your lights on all night.
Let the burglar come in. Kill the burglar.
Now, you just ended somebody's carbon footprint.
There we go. Look at that. Look at that!
Two minutes, 39 seconds in, we came up with a solution where I can make my
little corner of the earth a little better.
Um...
Anyway.
Um...
And I know they're out here, they're telling people to lose, use less water.
And I know good and goddamn well all the richy rich people out here, like, that
doesn't apply to us.
And they're fucking doing whatever the fuck it is that they want to do.
Having a water orgy.
That'll be the new way to display wealth.
You know?
In hip-hop videos in the future.
Rappers will be dumping Fiji water on some stripper's ass.
You know?
That'll be the new Cristal.
Um...
Oh, well.
Well, you know what?
You can only die once.
Here's one.
Would you rather fucking dry out like this or freeze to death?
I don't know.
Anyway.
Speaking of fucking disasters.
And I've been staying away from this one.
You know?
Because my team sucks this year.
But it's...
I got to address it at this point.
The New York Yankees are in the midst of one of the most historic regular
season.
If not the most historic collapse that I've ever seen.
And I'm a fucking Red Sox fan.
I'm not one of these new ones.
That they know a couple of fucking World Series every decade.
Right?
I'm part of the old school.
Like, I'm trying to think in 1978, we had a sizable lead.
It was not fucking 17 games.
They had a 17 game.
That's the kind of lead you have on a last place team.
I'll tell you how bad we suck.
As much as there's shit in the bed, we're still 13 and a half games back.
At 66 and 68.
I mean, if you told me in September that the Red Sox would only have 66 wins,
I would say we would be at least 30 games back on the Yankees.
Instead, we're 13 and a half.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, as of Saturday night,
won the first two of, I believe, a three or four game series.
They win today on Sunday.
They're going to be three games back.
And we have a whole month left.
Tampa is on a tear.
They won eight of their last ten.
At least on this thing.
I don't know what their deal is.
Eight and two, their last ten.
Yankees four and six.
Baltimore, seven and three.
Toronto and Boston, six and four.
Fucking unbelievable.
Cleveland, the Guardians, the security company.
They're shit in the bed.
The Twins are only a game back.
White Sox are two games back.
AL Central, wide open.
And now, all of a sudden, out of nowhere,
running away with the best record in the American League.
Who would have thought it?
The Houston Astros.
No trash cans.
Didn't go to Home Depot.
Just doing it with good old-fashioned iPhones.
They're 85 and 48.
The Seattle, I almost called them the Seahawks.
The Seattle Mariners.
75 and 58.
I mean,
this is, it's fucking bananas.
New York Mets, best record
in New York City baseball.
Who would have thought?
85 and 49.
But they're only two games up
against the defending World Series champions.
The Atlanta Braves.
Don't count them out.
And then the St. Louis Cardinals,
who arguably have an MVP themselves
at first base.
Whatever his fucking name is.
I was looking up his stats.
Hitting like 330.
It's got 32 home runs.
And you're like,
oh, Aaron Judge has 51.
All right, well,
he only has five more RBIs than that guy.
You still got to give it to Aaron Judge.
And then the best record in baseball
at 91 and 49.
Running away with the division
is the Los Angeles Dodgers.
I mean, what the fuck happened?
I thought I was like,
I was like, you know,
when the Yankees go play the Angels,
I got to go see them.
This is like seeing the 98 Yankees.
You got to go,
too much as you hate them,
you got to go see it.
This will be one of the great
fucking teams of all time.
They are now 594 winning percentage.
They've dropped like 100 fucking points.
Percentage points.
Since July.
And I went to the All-Star game.
The buddy of mine who's a Yankee fan
and he was standing tall
wearing that Yankee hat.
Red Sox have actually been
kind of fun to watch right now
because they just,
they're bringing up,
just bringing up some young talent,
seeing what they do.
Some kid from Worcester came up
and hit a fucking monster
over the monster,
over the screen.
No souvenir for you.
Probably hit the parking attendant
across the street,
hit an absolute bomb.
And then I saw this other kid,
young kid,
like 23 years old,
came out and he pitched
like six solid innings
like a week ago
or something like that.
I don't know.
I'm in an edit room.
I'm never getting out
of that edit room.
I don't think it's ever going to end.
I was all excited.
You know,
we're going to lock
on this day in September.
I'm like, great.
I'm like, fantastic.
And then it's behind me.
All right.
I did Fenway.
That's behind me.
Now the movie's behind me.
They're like, nope.
Then we do the color
and the sound.
I now know why directors
have those fucking
ZZ Top beards.
You know,
they just fucking get in there
and I don't think
they have time.
It has to be
after a while,
you just get it down.
It has to be.
I would think so.
But my level of respect
for directors,
editors,
producers,
and all of that type of shit.
This has been a very,
very great thing
for me to do.
I am towards the end.
But, you know,
I really envisioned myself
by mid-September
having that old school
football fan hat,
you know,
the hard hat
with the two cups of beer
and the straw.
It went right to your mouth.
Which was a funny idea.
It was always a funny idea.
Nobody really did it.
You're not going to sit there like,
what are you,
like a fucking pacifier?
There are certain things,
especially back then.
Especially back then.
You just,
certain things you could not do.
You could not drink a beer
with a straw.
I was just thinking
if there was like
a reality show
where it was like
whoever gets their ass
kicked in a bar first,
you know,
gets to the next round,
a good move
would be to go into a,
you know,
a bar that's known
to have a bunch of
tough customers,
as they used to say,
and go in there
and get a beer
and start drinking it
with a straw.
And then just looking
at a few guys
a little bit too long.
If you survived,
you would advance
to the next round.
Anyway,
I watched some football yesterday.
I watched all of the,
I just sat and watched
the whole thing.
I watched the Georgia Bulldogs
versus them Oregon Ducks.
And I'll tell you right now,
them dogs had ducks
for fucking dinner, man.
I mean,
it wasn't even a game.
It wasn't even a game.
Just from the beginning
to the end.
I didn't see the bands
at halftime,
but I'm guessing Georgia
fucking played a better flute
than they did in fucking Oregon.
It was just a wire
to wire
trashing.
I mean,
it was like,
it was like
a third of the third quarter
was left.
And they were already
talking about
how the quarterback
from Oregon
is a gamer
and he's going to learn
something from this.
It was one of those games.
You know,
there's a lot of pride
in this Oregon Duck
team out here,
you know?
You know,
and I'll tell you right now,
you know,
they got Les Steckle
over here
and Harry Miles.
Yeah,
they're great coaches.
And,
you know,
they're going to build
these kids up.
They're going to know
what to do.
They're going to watch
the game film.
And if I know
Les Steckle Miles,
he's going to put
this behind him.
And I'll tell you right now,
I would not,
I would not want
to be the team
that is playing
the Oregon Ducks
next week.
They were doing that
in the third quarter.
You know,
they have some
pretty green uniforms.
I mean,
you know,
there's a lot of positives
to take from this.
Who else,
who else would think
to put those feathers
on the side
like wings
to insinuate
and remind folks
at home
that they are
in fact the Ducks.
I mean,
if I'm Emilio Estevez
right now,
I'm thinking,
why did I make
the Mighty Ducks
about a hockey team
when I should have
made it about
these Oregon Ducks?
In the third quarter.
In the third quarter.
Some of the best
concessions
I've ever eaten?
It was actually
in Georgia,
so I can't say that.
Georgia Bulldog fans.
I mean,
Jesus Christ,
if you bet that game
and you bet the dogs,
I mean,
it's just one of those
few games you could
just put your
fucking feet up.
I guess the quarterback
at Oregon
was at Auburn
and then he transferred.
That's like a big thing now,
transferring.
Way more
than it used to be.
Kids just switching
around and shit
and now money's
going to get involved.
And all of that.
It's just going to be,
you know,
another thing
for global warming.
Let's make
super conferences
in football.
Let's have another
60 teams
of fucking
team planes
flying around.
That's going to be
like another
selling point
when they start
paying them
is going to be like,
well,
what kind of
team plane
do you have?
but anyway,
I just got a text message.
I have no idea
what this means.
You get to the hotel.
Oh, no, sorry.
That was an old one.
So you get to the hotel
tomorrow at 3.30.
It's like,
I'm not in a fucking hotel
tomorrow.
I'm home.
Baby!
Enjoying
a little bit
of Labor Day.
And then I watched
the first half,
which was a great
half of football
of Notre Dame
versus Ohio State,
which kind of
went the direction
I thought it was,
but I did not think
that
that Notre Dame
was going to look
that good
against Ohio State.
And Ohio State
looked great.
I liked
I liked it.
They had
it was actually
some balls
in the Notre Dame
team.
They were fucking
putting their hats
on people
as much as you can
without getting
called for a fucking
what do you call it?
Targeting
or something like that.
But
and then Ohio State,
very impressive.
Weathered the storm
as they said.
They weathered the storm
and then they were
21-10.
But there was a moment
there.
It was like 7-3.
I'm like,
look at fucking
Notre Dame.
I thought maybe
they get like a field goal
and then Ohio State
was going to do
the old right there,
Fred.
What does?
What does?
W