Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-22
Uploaded: 2022-09-16T01:13:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-16. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in, checking
in on you.
How's it going? How are ya? How are ya? I'm in Washington, D.C., do-da, do-da,
with all these fucking khaki-panted people.
Everyone here is a lobbyist. It's a very strange part of the country, you know
what I mean? It's just, it's like LA, where nobody's from here, I feel, you
know?
And it's everybody, like, it's just a lot of people, young people, walking
around with their shirts tucked into their pants.
And it has been my experience throughout my adult life, post-grunge, once grunge
happened, anybody who tucks their fucking shirt in and is young is up to no
good.
Unless they're going to church, a wedding, or a funeral.
Somebody shows up, and they got their shirt tucked into their, and they're
wearing like, you can't tell if they're slacks, you don't really know what the
proper term is to just, to the category of their pants.
If you're not sure what those are, yeah, those people, that's the person that's
gonna rat you out.
You know, that's all I see when I come out, I just see a bunch of fucking rats.
Like, just, I don't know, I mean, maybe I should lighten up, right?
I can't lighten up, I'd have no podcast, I'd have to take everything seriously.
Like, I went out, after I landed here, um, I fucking went to go get something
to eat, you know, took a walk.
Hey, take a fucking walk.
Just go get yourself something to eat, take a fucking walk, huh?
So I took a walk, went down, I got something to eat.
I have never seen so many young people with their fucking goddamn button-down
shirts tucked into their pants.
It was like, unsettling.
I was actually gonna ask the question, is weed legal out here?
I know, I know it isn't, I know it isn't.
Is being up after nine o'clock legal?
Um, only if you're going to Epstein Island.
Maybe that's how you end up, you know, at one of those fucking orgies where you're
just banging something.
You don't even know what sex it is, it's wearing like a fucking donkey head,
right?
You don't even know what you're doing there.
You're sort of in your body, but not in your body.
Like, I think all of those years of tucking your shirt into your fucking pants,
at some point you gotta have your, you gotta have your, your, your Woodstock,
right?
Like liberals, like fucking outside in like the grass and the mud, you know,
like music festivals.
Let's be honest.
Incredible lineups of bands, okay, in remote areas, performing to a bunch of
sunstroke, drugged up fucking animals.
You know, you know that if it's too loud, it's too old, man.
I can tell you this, if it's not in a venue, I'm not fucking going.
I'm not gonna be out in the elements, you know, watching people walking around
and trying to figure out if somebody's on Molly or if they're, if they have scurvy.
It's just, I'm not doing that shit, all right?
And I stand, I've stood by the, I mean, I'll, I'll go to like a, an amphitheater.
You know what I mean?
I love the amphitheater vibe.
The haves and the have-nots.
You know?
The chairs versus the people they have out in the yard, like fucking rescue
dogs.
Or dogs that will eventually be rescue dogs.
You know?
I think if you go to an amphitheater, you know, and you get lawn seats, they
should actually tie you to something.
Like a, like a fucking livestock.
When it gets hot, they should just spray you with the fucking fire hose.
You know?
I think that's the way it's gonna be in the future.
Like, I don't think that people, like, like that's a big thing in the corporate
world is creating like these different levels.
It's like the money cast system.
It's like India, but with like just money.
You know, they have it on airplanes.
You know, airplanes is like the king of it.
I mean, there just cannot be enough special groups.
And then they just keep like breaking into other subsets of special groups.
And it just keeps pushing everybody back and back and back.
And like, oh my God.
It's like a rocket going up into outer space.
And you think you're in the fucking capsule with the guy driving it.
And all of a sudden you realize your part broke off and you're falling back
down to earth.
Like, well, I thought I was special!
Right?
They always have to have, you know, you go to hotels.
There's always that little extra.
Yeah, you go up.
There's a little fucking hit.
And if you do this and you get these points.
You know, you spend this amount of money.
Then you get a little fucking dingy.
All of that bullshit.
I don't even know where I'm going with this.
What the fuck am I talking about?
Oh, yeah.
Then you go to these fucking music festivals.
And they got the same thing.
Right?
Like, you got the people.
Like, say that Woodstock 99 thing.
You know there was some sort of VIP section.
Where they weren't fucking swimming in mud in their own shit.
Getting trench mouth and all of that shit.
Like, those trench mouth.
Can you believe that?
Ugh.
You don't even want to look that up.
But like, you fucking, I don't know.
Like, I know people like my age that go out to like Coachella.
Right?
And they like fly out there.
And then they land.
And then they're in some air conditioned tent.
As they're watching all these young people like dropping like flies.
I don't even know if this shit happens.
That's just what I assume happens.
And you're just sitting up there.
Looking down at them.
In this sort of, I don't know what it is.
This illusion of safety.
Like, at any point, if any, all the kids down on the ground decide they've had
enough of you in your VIP little air conditioned tent.
They're taking that shit over.
It's going to be like one of those fucking video games all the kids play.
You know, where you build your own city.
And then all of a sudden other cities attack you.
Whatever the hell that is.
But anyway, having said that, these are like my last two stand-up dates for a
couple of weeks.
I'm doing here.
And I'm doing Philly.
And I forgot my Dr. J fucking basketball sneakers.
Son of a bitch.
I bought a pair to specifically wear in Philly.
God damn it.
I do have Converse All-Stars.
I got the blue ones, though.
Fuck!
Oh, well.
No, I don't.
I brought the Nikes.
Oh, well.
Ah, Billy.
Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.
You're fucking, your brain's all over the place.
You're working too hard.
What, this is the last time I'm going to work Philly?
Well, I'm not going to wear those fucking things until I come back to Philly.
How about that?
I'll do something.
I know what I'm not going to do when I go to Philadelphia is ask somebody where
to get a Philly cheesesteak.
I'm done with that shit.
I'm done with it.
I think that that's just like a, they fuck with tourists.
And they just send you to the most obscure walk-in closet in the middle of
fucking nowhere.
And I can't tell the difference.
Okay?
It's a big, delicious, greasy fucking sandwich.
And I honestly, like, you'd have to live there.
You have to live there.
You got to grow up there.
You got to have, like, child-sense memory as to why you like it.
But if you just fucking come to town, some bald orange douche like me, you're
not going to be able to tell the difference, all right?
All I know is I'm not going to the ones, those two, Gino's or Piccadilly's,
whatever the fuck it's called.
Gino or Pat, I'm not going down there.
All right?
Dad always feels like there's going to be a fight any second.
I don't know.
Last time I went there, somebody actually told me to go to this place, and it
was like, it was too much.
I mean, by the time I got the sandwich to the table, the bread was soaking wet.
It was so fucking greasy, which is also what makes it good, I think.
I don't know.
But anyway, I'm looking forward to doing two incredible sports towns, D.C. and
Philly, as far as, you know, back when I used to watch hockey back in the 80s,
and the Patrick division was just fucking, it was insane.
It was like seven teams, and you could drive to all of them in an hour.
It was nuts.
Except for Pittsburgh.
That was like the road gig, way the fuck out there.
Let's see if I remember.
It was the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers, the Capitals,
Pittsburgh.
Why did I think there were seven teams?
I got to be missing one.
Adams division was the Canadians, the Nordiques, the Sabres, the Bruins, and
the Whalers.
And then it was fucking the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers.
Baltimore never had a team.
Capitals.
The Cleveland Barons.
Now, who the fuck were they?
And then the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Why did I think there was seven?
I don't know.
Anyway, they were just all there.
They all fucking hated each other, and they all beat the shit out of each other.
It was fucking amazing.
Every team had a couple of fucking tough guys, and then a couple of goal scores.
Like, let's see.
Let me see if I can go around and still remember.
Like, who their guys were.
I can't fuck it.
It was so goddamn long ago.
Obviously, there was Mario Lemieux.
You had Pat LaFontaine.
Mike Bossy.
Who'd the Devils have?
They had a bunch of cunts.
That's who they had.
They had Scott Stevens taking runs at everybody.
They were following through on their shots.
He would come by doing a drive-by.
Give you a nice fucking elbow to your fucking head.
End your career.
Rod Langway, the big defenseman.
Clark Gillies, rest his soul.
Then all the goaltenders.
Pelly Lindbergh, rest his soul.
After him was...
Oh, my God.
Ron Hextall.
Pete Peters went from Boston down to D.C.
Billy Smith up with the Islanders.
Who'd the Devils have?
Fucking Chico Resch?
I can't remember.
But it was insane.
And what kills me is only one time I went.
I went to an Islanders-Rangers game at Nassau Coliseum in 1989.
Me and my buddies went down there.
One of our friends was going to Hofstra University.
And, dude, it was fucking bananas.
Fights in the crowd.
Like, guys in, like, suits and loafers.
Like, you know, their sport jackets off.
Throwing fucking punches at each other.
Just fucking lunatics.
I remember being in there.
And I didn't give a fuck about either team.
I just gave a fuck about not getting the shit kicked out of me.
So I just kept my mouth shut.
I just remember kind of, like, being hammered.
And looking up and seeing this fight.
And then looking at my buddy.
And we were both just like,
We are in the wrong quad.
Just keep your fucking mouth shut.
Oh, that was a classic.
That weekend.
I remember the dude we rode down with.
We were all getting hammered back at Hofstra.
And for some reason, he wanted to go out.
He wanted to get some drugs or something.
And it was a cold night.
We're like, all right, man.
Be careful.
And he's like, yeah, don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
And he fucking, he left.
Went down to his car.
And he fucking came back two seconds later.
And he's like, guys, I wrecked my car.
Like, you wrecked your car.
And we went out to the parking lot.
And it was this completely empty parking lot.
Except for this one little, I can't remember if I told this story here.
There was one island.
Little island with one little tree on it.
And he hit it dead center.
And blew out both his fucking front tires.
And we were just like, dude, what the, how did you fucking, and we walked, and
we walked
around the car to the front of it.
And the whole front windshield was all frosted over, except for this little
area where he
had taken two of his fingers.
He just, you know, you know, like those Devo sunglasses?
He basically did that to look out of.
So, obviously, he didn't see it.
So, we had to call a tow truck.
That's right.
And the tow truck ended up showing up at like four in the morning.
And there was this guy, and he had his wife and his little kid in the car.
And he got out.
I thought he said, tell me you didn't fucking see this.
That's what this guy said when I drove my truck into a ditch one time.
He goes, tell me you didn't fucking see this.
It's like, well, obviously, I didn't, you fucking asshole.
It was raining out.
Tell me you di