Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-22
Uploaded: 2022-10-03T20:23:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-03. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday.
For Monday. October 3rd, 2022. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, I am having a
fucking day.
I'm having a day while trying to be spiritual. While just noticing that a light
went out in my
fucking bedroom here that I have to fix. I'm having one of these. I made a list.
I have a bunch of
stuff I have to do today. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make a
list, and I'm going to
knock it out. I like making a list, because as you knock it out, it makes you
feel like you're
accomplishing something, rather than looking at everything that you have in
front of you,
right? So I wake up this morning, and I make some fucking, you know, I say to
my kids,
what do you want? And they're like, pancakes. I said, pancakes? They're like,
yeah, right?
Oh, it's funny. My son, too. He has a Snoop Dogg shirt that he got from, passed
down to him,
a hand-me-down from his sister. He's like, Snoop. I go, yeah. I go, Snoop Dogg.
He goes,
Snoop Dogg. I go, Uncle Snoop. And he's like, you can't say uncle. He's like,
ah, Snoop.
And I'm like, I go, Uncle. He goes, Uncle. I go, Snoop. And he goes, Snoop. I
go, Uncle Snoop. And he
goes, Apple Snoop. Anyway, so my day's obviously going great. You know, they're
already cracking me
up. I go downstairs. And I ask them, I go, okay, what do you guys want for
breakfast? And they said,
pancakes. I go, you want healthy pancakes? You want yummy pancakes? And they
were like, yummy pancakes.
So I say, all right. So I go to the cupboard. There's not enough bisquick. So I
go, all right,
got to call the fucking audible here. Yummy pancakes. No problem, right? But
that was the foreshadowing.
If this was like a movie, there would have been like, you know, when I went in
to look at the box,
there'd be like a weird little flutter of music. And then I would hear a noise
and like, I don't know,
whatever the fucking laundry room. And then I'd be like, what was that? And
then you just see like a
cat running away. Like, oh, it's just a cat. It's not that there's an ex-murder
in the next 90 minutes
of this movie are going to be horrific. So anyway, I take my daughter to school
and then I had to swing
by the bank to get some cash for the fucking week. Cause I like walking around
with the fucking
cash. Actually I don't, but I, I just didn't have any cash and I go to the
airport all the time.
And then I go to tip somebody and I don't have any fucking money. So then I got
to run into the house
or go stop at this ATM. So it's like, I'm going to get organized. All right.
Cause this weekend
I'm going to Windsor, Minnesota and Des Moines, Iowa, Iowa, right? So I'm like,
why don't I get
that out of the fucking way? So what do I do? I go to the ATM. They don't have
any fucking money
cause it's the weekend. Right. And everybody's like, I need more smack. Right.
So they go to the
fucking ATM. So there's no more goddamn money. So I was like, all right, no big
deal. They'll
fucking, I'm sure the Brinks truck comes, you know, I'll, I'll put this at the
end of the list.
And then my truck is leaking oil. It needs new gaskets on either side of the
transmission.
So the guy tells me to bring it by the fucking place. He's going to pull the
transmission and
then they're going to bring the transmission over to the fucking guy. So I get
there. All
right. And I'm driving behind this really slow guy for no fucking reason, which
means he's
Uber driving. He has nowhere to go. And he's trying to stay in that general
area. Cause he
likes the clientele. I'm convinced that's what happens. You know, and they're
constantly
like touching their cell phone that they have mounted up on the dashboard.
So I'm dropped behind this guy for three excruciating miles where he makes no
lights,
no lights. And it's like ridiculously careful. Like these two fire engines went
by. I mean,
he let them go nine football fields before he started driving again, as if he
was somehow
going to, I don't know what, rear end one of them from fucking three stadiums
away.
You know, I'm sure this guy wasn't doing any of that.
You know, I bet he's a philanthropist and does stuff for under the privileged
kids, but
I'm late. So I'm building this narrative for this person.
So you ever, you get behind somebody fucking slow like that and you just, right
as you know,
you're coming up to make your left, you just know it. You pray to the fucking
automotive
gods that the cunt isn't going to make a left. Of course he does. And then you
make the left
after he misses another light. And you're like, I want to be in the left lane,
not the right
lane. Don't be in the fucking left lane. Don't be in the left lane. Don't be in
the left lane.
And he went to the right lane. Dang. Thank God. So I fucking get by the guy.
I go down to the garage. It's a little garage where they work on these old cars
and it's
just jam packed with people. There's some sweet old lady in front of me. For
some reason,
she won't pull into the driveway. She stops on the street and gets out of her
car. So now
I'm behind her and I'm like, what the fuck? And I'm waiting for explain. It was
funny.
She was like, you know, like jutting her head around trying to make the noise
that her car
was making. And then this little fucking asshole goes around both of us and
just drives in.
Just went around her. Right. No respect. I'm sitting there. Got turned signal
on. You know
where the fuck I'm going. Just drove around and then got out of the car. Didn't
have the
fucking decency to look over like they just made a fucking slick douche move.
And she gets
out and just starts talking to him. So I found that I drive around. I finally
get in and I'm
looking at it. And it's just one of these, you know, one of these moments where
you just
can't, you can't say anything. You can't say anything because the cell phone
cameras and
she's a fucking woman. So I can't say, excuse me, you squat little cunt. You're
going to
sit there and fucking act like you didn't see the goddamn line and you're just
going to go
around it. You know, it's like when you're at the fucking airport and all of
these fucking
assholes, like when you fly Southwest, there's literally, it's a numbered
system. It's, it's
fucking simple genius. And these fucking people act like they don't get it.
Like they
don't get it. And they put you in this fucking position. So here's the thing. I
mean, what,
what was I going to say to her? What the fuck can I say to her? Cause I, you
know, and she
pulls out the cell phone camera. He's being toxic, aggressive, male,
masculinity, cis fucking
whatever. And I, I, so I got to fucking eat that. I got, I, you know, I, I
slammed the door
really hard. She doesn't give a shit. She doesn't fucking hear it. And I just
probably
fucked my door up. It's something else I have to get fixed. So I'm losing big
time on
this day. So then I fucking get there. The guy says he can pull the
transmission. He goes,
how are you going to get it over there? I go, you guys can't bring it over. He
goes, no,
I can't bring it over. I go, well, can the people that are going to fix it, can
they come
and pick it up? He's like, I don't know. And I'm like, you gave me their number.
Like, what the, it's a fucking pickup truck. This is the vehicle I have to
bring it over.
If you take it out, I can't bring it up. Fucking. And I was so pissed at that
woman. I just said,
fuck it, forget it. I go, you don't have room for this thing. Anyways. I just
got in. What I should
have done was been fucking relaxed. I'm like, listen, just pull the thing. I'll
figure it out.
Worst case scenario, I'll rent one of those U-Haul trucks for $19.99. Those
pickups. And I'll drive
the fucking thing over there. I don't know. And then on the way back, I was
going to have the
truck dropped off, be in the Uber and practice my French because I've been
fucking killing it. You
know, I'm doing all right. Right. My daughter's learning. She has like no
accent. It's fucking
unbelievable. I was asking her something like, uh, uh, what was it? Ask her to
put a company or
something like that. And she was like, two. And I was like, two. She's like,
two. Oh God. I'm
saying like the number. And I was like, wow, man. She, she has all that, like
that whole, like,
you know, the whole fucking sounds all down and everything. Like, she gets that
in there. Like,
it's really amazing. So, um, I was going to do that. That was out the fucking
window. So I just
went O for three, O for three. And, um, you know, so then, you know, you're
pissed and I'm thinking to
myself, well, who can I call right now and just dump this on? And I went
through the Rolodex. I'm
like, well, I can't do it to my wife. You know, she lives with me and she hears
it all the time. So
I'm not doing that to her. I called a buddy of mine. He didn't pick up. I'm
like, I'm glad he didn't
pick up because I'd ruin his morning. And then I was just like, oh, wait a
minute. I have a fucking
podcast. I'll dump it on you guys. Oh my God. I am so happy though. I didn't
say anything to that
woman. You know, maybe she didn't notice. Maybe that's what you're supposed to
do. I don't know.
Am I an idiot? Like, was I supposed to back up and drive around the old lady's
car? I wasn't going
to do that to her. And if I did, I would have missed her trying to make the
noise. I think the
thing was lurching forward or something. Maybe she had a stick. I don't know
what it was like.
Anyway, so that was my morning, but I'm back on track because right now I'm
knocking
this out. You know, I also went to the gym the last three, four days in a row.
I'm getting back in
shape. You know, the movie's almost done. So I have some free time, which is
fantastic. And I did like
three really, really cool cities this weekend. I was in Louisville, Kentucky,
Bloomington, Indiana,
and Cincinnati, Ohio. And just all three were absolutely incredible crowds. And
I had so much fun
performing at all of them. Louisville, I swear to God, I could retire there.
There's just something
about the pace of that. That's like another one. Chattanooga, Tennessee. All
right. Milwaukee,
Wisconsin, Louisville, Kentucky. It's like, it's the perfect, you know, there's
a city,
there's an art scene, there's food going on, but there's not a million motherfuckers.
And because
there isn't, you probably can't get a direct flight to a lot of places, but who
gives a shit? Because
who wants to spend their life on an airplane? You know? So anyway, we go there.
Oh, here's another
thing that fucking happened was I downloaded the new stupid ass operating
system for this goddamn fucking
phone. And now, you know, I always send like voice texts, you know, that way,
like, there's no
misunderstanding of your tone or whatever, and you can make somebody laugh. And,
you know, as of
yesterday, I knew how to do that. I now don't know how to do it anymore. So now
I just send, I'm just
going to start sending those texts that those voice memo things. I'm just
sending those now because I'm
not going to waste my time learning how to do the new fucking thing just to
have them change it again
and fill up my fucking phone. I just don't understand like why they have to
change it
every time. What the fuck? You know why? For money to fill up your phone. So
you have to buy the next
one. What was wrong with the other one? Why do I need a camera that's even
clearer?
Like now they're showing like the commercial for the new iPhone. They're
showing a guy shooting an action
movie on the phone. It's just like, just the average Joe, you know, shooting a
video of his kid getting
hit in the nuts with a wiffle ball bat, need to fucking be on the same level as
Martin Scorsese.
It's really, it's overkill. I don't know. I'll be honest with you. I was fine
with the flip phone.
It was fucking amazing and kind of sucked because then people could call me,
but hey, I called you.
You didn't pick up. How come you didn't pick up? You know, I miss that. Tha