Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-22
Uploaded: 2022-10-10T20:27:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-10. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
August 10th, 2022! I love saying that, 22, it's almost over.
Oh, jeez, we're sliding into the holidays there.
You go to your local grocery store, the pumpkins are out, you know.
Gotta get a good one. Don't pick it up by its stem, Dorothy!
Dottie! Oh, I told you not to pick it up by the stem, didn't I?
I'm not coming down on you. Oh, you can't tell her anything.
You know, she's on her third marriage.
It's probably because she grabs a cock like that.
Anyway, you go into the, the, the, uh, you go into the fucking, the grocery
store.
You know what's hilarious? When all of a sudden it's the holidays, there's just
sugar fucking right up at the front of the, uh, right at the front of the store.
You come in, there's all, all the candy for Halloween, the candy corns.
Who the fuck is still buying that shit is beyond me.
The candy corn. Is that like hipsters buying that ironically to act like it's
like good candy or something like that?
Are there hipsters anymore? Have they disappeared?
Um, are hipsters like, uh, rollerblading?
The one, the, the one fad example that I always go to?
It's like rollerblading.
You know, there's plenty of other fads I could, it's like slavery.
You know, everybody was doing it.
And then after the 1860s, I mean, what? I wasn't doing that.
I, I, I, I, black people were selling other black people into slavery.
The same justification for slavery people use for, uh, rollerblading.
They don't.
See, this is why I stick with rollerblading.
I keep it small on this podcast.
All right? Just like my brain.
Okay?
The same way, if, if you're in aviation, you, you fly with, with, within,
within your limits,
within, within the limits of the aircraft, and more importantly, your own
limits.
I like that, more importantly, your own limits.
Well, then what if you're like Chuck Yeager, and you take my little egg beater
up,
your fucking limits are way beyond my thing.
Christ, you'll break it apart.
Oh, Jesus.
I don't even know what I'm talking about.
Oh, I know.
You go into the grocery store, and they got all this sugar up front, right?
And it's, that's all it's going to be.
It's just going to be sugar, and flour, and eating, and fucking, and sucking.
It's going to be, it's going to be all of that.
And I think it's like that.
You know, obviously, everybody loves the holidays, but I think that towards the
end of the year is one of the few times that people have the time to actually
take stock in what the fuck is going on in their life.
What is going on in this runaway train of time that just keeps fucking cruising
past, and I don't seem to be getting ahead.
I don't know what's going on, and that's, I think, you know, if you went back
into the history books, if you looked back and saw when the seeds for the
American Revolution happened, I bet it was between October and December, you
know?
Because there wasn't a bunch of sugar laying around, there wasn't any candy
corn or M&Ms or any of that shit, right?
There wasn't any hair plucks.
So Ben Franklin's sitting there, you know, looking like David Crosby with his
dumbass glasses.
He's getting older.
He still likes the ladies.
He's getting deep in the cut, you know?
And people are sitting there, you know, he's thinking like, I mean, how many
more years can I be this jolly fat guy with the kite and still get some fucking,
you know, pilgrim pussy?
This is all true, by the way.
So I need to have some sort of power.
Was he around then?
I don't even know if he was.
When did he fly the kite?
Was it in the 18?
It can't be in the 1800s because they never really got into the 1800s when I
was in high school.
They didn't want to do all that shit, and they completely ignored slavery.
They just sort of were in genocide.
I got the nice, easy listening, you know?
They put on some Kenny G.
They were taxing us too much, so we didn't know what to do.
We got out a fucking piece of paper, and everybody fucking signed it.
Oh, then Crispus Addicts died, right?
Foreshadowing every Hollywood movie for about 80 years.
The black character was going to die.
Anyway, plowing ahead here.
Yeah, so I think, like, you know, there's something about that.
Like, the end of the year, I think initially it was like a celebration.
I know there's a bunch of history buffs being like,
well, it was the end of the farming, and everything was harvested, so they
would have a celebration.
This podcast is not about facts.
It's about having an idea, going with it, making up shit, and hoping that
people believe it.
That's what I like to do.
I like, you know, instead of sending messages out in a bottle, I just send up
false history.
I send it out, and I see if it comes back to me.
I just want to hear how people have twisted it around.
You know?
Is that what you do, Bill?
No, it's not what I do.
I don't know what it is I do, but I will tell you this.
They got all this sugar and flour is up front, and there's two different kinds
of pumpkins, all right?
The kind that supports America, and the other ones that need to get the fuck
out!
No, they have the smooth ones, and then they have the ones with the fucking warts
all over them.
And I always want to buy a wart one, because I always go on, like, you know,
carvingpumpkins.net, whatever the fuck they are.
TikTok, cantaloupe, what the fuck's it called?
Cafeteria, what's the other one?
What's the other fucking social media?
I was actually, I did an interview on it with Eddie Brill.
It was called, it began with a C.
It had something to do with, like, people meeting together.
What would that be, a word?
What's a word that means people gathering to fucking talk but not really saying
anything?
And it begins with a C.
Oh, yeah, social media.
I spelt it the communist way with a C.
Because I'm one of them Hollywood liberals that's up there in one of them
infinity pools having sex with a fucking fetus.
Yeah, on those sites where they show the fucking warded up pumpkins, like,
those are the ones that, like, people turn into these crazy psycho old men.
Or, like, they can carve, like, predator or something out of it.
And I'm just not blessed with those skills.
I'm a, I'm a, what the kids call a, I believe, a BB, Bill Burr, basic bitch
Bill Burr when it comes to pumpkins.
You know?
Well, I don't have time now that I got the kids, so I'll just do the fucking,
the triangles and some fucked up teeth.
But back in the day, I was really into it.
People who've been listening to this podcast since the 2000s remember my ACDC
pumpkin.
They remember my Federal Reserve pumpkin.
There's, there's pictures of it on the internet.
You can find it.
You know, it's out there.
If you want to hear the truth.
You know, if you don't, you want to keep burying your head in the sand and keep
listening to these, these lies from fucking the man.
Then, you know, I don't, you know, I don't even get emotional about it.
You know why, guys?
Because I'm above it.
I'm above it.
No, I'm going to watch some pumpkin carving videos and I'm going to try to take
my, my pumpkin carving.
Up to the next level.
Really, Bill.
Is that what you're doing at 54?
That's exactly what I'm doing.
You know why?
Because I'm not going to be on the road for the next three motherfucking weeks.
Motherfuckers.
I am, uh, catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers.
Um, it's my favorite line from Bridesmaids.
Um, catch you on the flip side, motherfuckers.
Um, yeah, I don't have to do shit.
My daughter is off, uh, from school this week.
So we're going to do a bunch of daddy-daughter dates, which basically involves
me, uh, taking
her to all of these places that everybody brings all their kids.
It's so funny how it's, like, all worked out now.
There's just these places to take your kids.
You know, when I was growing up, they just sent you outside.
You just met other kids, and you kind of came up with your own shit, and now it's
just
like, um, you know, they have, like, all of these.
Oh, that fucking last time I went, I was going to fight with that fucking dad,
because this
400-pound fucking three-year-old was hitting my kid over the head.
Oh, and you can't say anything to anybody's fucking kid.
Guy had fucking guerrilla monsoon for, I can't do it.
I said I wasn't going to make fun of his kid.
I didn't want to do that, but I'm sorry.
Um, anyway, so we're going to be doing a bunch of this.
That shit, um, and then I got to, uh, respectfully here, I got to give a shout-out
to two amazing
comedians that we lost this month.
Uh, first off was David A. Arnold, um, just an incredible, incredible, um, I
don't know
how to describe that guy.
That guy was just, like, his, his energy and his vibe, like, always positive,
always up,
and I remember way back in the day, um, we used to do this club called, uh, now
it's called
the Comedy Union.
It was called Mixed Nuts back in the day.
Forgive me if I already did this, but I don't care if I'm eulogizing him twice.
Um, we used to do this place, Mixed Nuts, and it was, and we were all roughly
the same age.
Me, him, uh, Alex Thomas, and then that other guy.
What the fuck was his name?
He was incredible.
Oh, his name came to me.
Daryl Heath.
Daryl Heath.
And all three of them were fucking amazing, amazing comedians.
And I went down there, the white guy going down to the club.
It was funny.
It was called, like, Mixed Nuts because they wanted, like, everybody to come
down,
but it was, uh, down in a neighborhood that, you know, white people sort of
drove by.
It didn't stop.
So it was kind of, you know, black.
Oh, shit, that's the club.
That was the club I went up at, and I was bombing for, like, fucking seven
minutes straight
on a hot summer night, and then there was just nothing from the crowd.
And I just heard this big girl in the back just goes, I ain't laughed yet.
Oh.
Oh, that was a tough one.
I'll tell you, it was a rough one.
Anyway, and, um, David was kind of in and out of my life, uh, because I ended
up moving
back to, uh, New York, and I lost touch with him, and then I came back in 07,
ran into him
immediately.
Hey, you know, like, like, nothing ever happened.
And, um, you know, just every time I met him, he was a better version of
himself.
You know, a lot of people that you meet, you meet him, that's who they are, and
then you
don't see him for 10 years, and they're that same person, they're just 10 years
older, you
know, but he was always better, amazing husband and father.
I went to the service, beautiful service, and, um, you know, his daughter went
up there,
and, like, the stuff she said about him, I hope someday my kids say about me,
because,
um, it was, it was, uh, I don't know how to describe it.
It was just, like, he did it.
He absolutely crushed it as a dad, and that's the most important thing, and he
was an amazing
comedian.
So, David A. Arnold, I'll definitely be missing him, seeing him around at the
clubs.
And then we had a legend we lost, uh, the great Judy Tenuta, who just was a
total original.
And, um, I remember in the 80s when she first broke, it was, like, super, super,
super, super
fucking male-dominated, um, which was stupid, because we, you know, already
seen all these
other great comedians, you know, um, from Joan Rivers to Marsha Warfield, but
for some reason,
they just, I don't know.
And it became, you know, I was talking to somebody about that, where it just
became, like, this
really, like, the 70s were fucking amazing, as far as, like, the amount of
different kinds
of sitcoms there were.
It wasn't just a bunch of white sitcoms.
They had, like, the, uh, you know, Sanford's Son, the Jeffersons, Good Times,
Freddie Prince
had Chico in The Man, and then they had a lot of, like, you know, you know,
Hollywood sort
of balanced cast for back then.
But it seemed like it was moving in that direction, and I don't know what the
fuck happened.
It was, like, Bill Cosby hit, and they did a sitcom around his act, and it
became,
it became huge, and you would think that that would, som