Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-22
Uploaded: 2022-10-17T21:10:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-17. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday!
For Monday, October 17th, 2022. What's going on? How are ya?
How's it got? That fucking light's burnt up. I gotta fix that.
You know, I'll tell you, your day just never seems to end, does it, people?
And people who don't have children just can't understand.
How much is that, like, a fucking, like, thing that human beings do?
Like, they're always putting, like, well, unless you do what I do, you don't
understand, you know, whatever the emotion you're feeling.
You don't know what laughter is until you've done X, Y, and...
You don't know what crying is until you're getting your vag waxed and the power
goes out.
You know, whatever the fuck it is they're trying.
Whatever the fuck they're doing.
It's like, no, everybody knows it.
Everybody just knows different degrees.
Different degrees?
Different degrees of it.
If you knew the podcast, this is the level of intellect on this thing.
Different degrees of it.
Like, I remember one time, uh...
I was fucking...
I was, uh...
I don't know what the fuck I was doing.
I was doing some...
I did, like, my millionth school in the state of Kansas.
And I was trying to explain it to this guy.
And the guy...
I forget where the fuck I was, but the guy was like,
Bill, now, now, don't tell me about Kansas!
And I was like, all right.
And I found out he spent a weekend up there with the next girlfriend.
And then all of a sudden, he just fucking knew everything.
And I had to shut the fuck up.
And meanwhile, I had probably stood in about 40 different cafeterias
in front of these college kids in the late 90s and 2000s
who had no idea that there was going to be a show.
Eating my balls and then driving.
You know, I don't know how many...
What the fuck did I know?
This guy spent...
Bill, don't tell me about Kansas now!
Don't even try to tell me about that state!
I was there for three days!
That's all I need!
You know?
I got a bunch of East Coast friends that came out here for a weekend
and told me Hollywood is so phony and plastic.
It's like, wow, you really got around.
How many people did you even fucking talk to?
What happened?
You came out here and they didn't have a D'Angelo's
and you freaked out and saw some chick with big tits
walking down the street and you're like,
it's just what I thought it was just like how I already had my mind made up
that it was going to be.
Those are fun people to be around, you know?
And then they bitch all about it.
And then at first it bothers you.
By at first, I mean for two decades it bothered me.
And then I suddenly realized like,
well, what's great about that is that person is not going to live out here.
So it's kind of good.
You disagree with them.
Like, oh yeah, yeah, this place sucks.
That's why I live here.
Yeah, everybody's fake.
Everybody lies to you.
Yep, not like where you're from.
Everybody just tells the truth, don't they?
You know, when they give you an estimate
for how much it's going to cost you to redo that bathroom.
I mean, it's right down to the fucking nickel.
It's exactly what they said it was going to be.
You know, all these Hollywood phony people.
If only Hollywood people could be as honest
as somebody who redoes houses.
Whatever the fuck you call them.
If only the people in show business
could have the fucking integrity
of the people on Wall Street,
of car salesmen,
of every other motherfucking...
You know, that's why I like meeting like an honest,
a truly honest person.
I'm not saying there's not like, you know,
lying motherfuckers in this business.
I mean, yeah, obviously.
Every business there is that.
That's why it's so nice to actually meet somebody
that's like, yeah, this is what it's going to be
and I don't want to overcharge you
and it's going to be done on time.
And you're like, are you fucking real?
Am I dreaming this right now?
I don't know.
Maybe that's why people steal after a while
because when they're actually being nice people,
people just keep going like,
I can't believe you're not fucking me even harder.
And then they start thinking,
oh, should I have been?
And then they start doing it.
Right?
Maybe that's what happens.
I don't know.
I don't know what happens.
I can tell you this.
I've had a few good things happen this week.
I've had a couple of fucking annoying things happen this week,
but I've remained even keeled.
You know, we had some friends of mine over
and they brought their kids,
something we've been trying to do since before COVID
and they came over.
And right before they came over,
you know, they were picking up coffee.
So I said, get me a triple espresso.
I know.
I know.
This is my new booze.
Now I'm fucking into this shit.
So now I got to take a week off from coffee
because it has a little bit of a hold on me.
Okay?
But when I quit it, I don't get the headache.
So I'm not totally fucked up.
But like, I don't know.
That whole thing, like, I was tired and now I'm not tired.
And now there's all of these studies
that shows that it doesn't wake you up.
It actually just blocks the signal that you're tired.
I mean, did they really need to do a study on that?
I don't know how something makes you untired.
If you're fucking tired, you're tired.
That's like being, becoming undead.
The only thing that makes you untired is sleep.
But the problem is,
is there's two groups of people that don't give a fuck
about your level of sleep.
Your boss and your kids.
That's it.
They just keep driving the fucking,
slave driving you down the street.
And that's why I want somebody
from Mexico right now to chime in.
And I want to know if the urban myth of the siesta
every day or whatever,
if, if, is that true?
Do you guys actually take naps in the afternoon
or some other country like Spain?
You always hear like those,
those, those little towns along the Mediterranean.
And in the summertime, you know,
they just, they, everything just closes around noon
and doesn't open back up again
until like three in the afternoon
and everybody goes home
and just takes a fucking nap.
I don't know if it was Mexico.
I don't know if it's Spain.
I don't know if it was Albuquerque.
I don't know where the fuck I heard.
I heard it.
It sounded weird to me when I was younger,
but now that I'm old,
I'm like, that sounds fucking amazing.
Imagine getting to work at like 8.30
and just knowing you got a nap coming at noon,
like a three hour fucking nap.
Just as a country,
wouldn't you be willing to drop in the rankings
like the Alabama Crimson Tide?
That's such a douche.
To just drop in the rankings.
Why do we need to keep saying
that we're the number one country?
We know we're not.
You know,
I'm not saying you don't love the place.
I'm not saying
it's not one of the most beautiful countries out there.
It absolutely is to look at it.
But we don't make anything here anymore.
We keep printing all this fucking money.
Inflation's going through the roof
and we blame ties.
He's got a blue tie.
He has a red tie.
Those people are evil.
Fucking morons.
You know what we make here?
We make weed
and a lot of noise.
No, what else do we need?
We need to make something else.
I know we make weed
and we make Shinola.
I bought a watch from them.
They make everything from bicycles
to watches.
I don't know.
They have a hotel in Detroit, right?
Wouldn't it be great
if they actually fucking made cars here again?
Wouldn't it be great
if somehow unions
and the people that run corporations
could actually stop being selfish cunts
and find a fucking middle ground
and bring some jobs back here
and just make a fucking American car here?
Wouldn't that be fantastic?
And what if the union guy
took all his fucking benefits
and then didn't lean on a shovel?
And what if the corporate guy
didn't try to fuck the union guy
so he'd go to Epstein Island?
You know, everybody's got their little things
that they're doing wrong.
Wouldn't that be fantastic?
You know?
Going back to those times
with everybody in town,
you didn't even have to finish high school.
All you had to do
is just walk out of your high school.
If you could go to some place
and buy a lunchbox,
you had a fucking job.
Right?
Little hard hat.
You put your local fucking
football team's logo on it
or whatever.
You go to work.
You laugh.
You have a great time.
You drink Boilermakers.
You ignore your family.
You know,
you drop of a heart attack
in your 50s.
Like, what was wrong
with that America?
Now look at us.
We don't make anything here
and all we do
is go on social media
and fucking Photoshop
our lives.
Right?
I don't.
We don't all do it,
but a lot of people do it.
You know?
Not me, man,
because I'm so fucking real.
No.
I don't Photoshop my life.
There's nothing to Photoshop.
You know?
If I was going to Photoshop my life,
I would have first got hair plugs.
You don't post enough
on social media.
Oh, yes, I do.
Yes.
The world does not want to look
at a bald ginger
every day
and what his life is like.
Okay?
You know what it's like.
I'm constantly going to CVS
trying to find
a higher sunblock
as we slip into
whatever the fuck
this next thing is
with nature is.
I'll tell you what I did do
is I cleaned out
my fucking closet.
Like,
I had so much
goddamn shit
and I'm doing this tour
and people are
giving me a lot of gifts
and stuff like that
so I'm just,
which is amazing,
which is fucking funny, man.
Making insane money.
I don't, you know,
they still,
because it just,
I don't know what it is.
So I was like,
all right,
something's got to give here
and I looked at my closet
and I was like,
I don't wear 90% of this shit
and I just fucking broke it down
to what I wear
and what I don't wear
and all of a sudden
it was nice.
So,
but I'm not throwing it out.
It's not going to the ocean
and I'm not taking it down
to that half a face place,
whatever the fuck
it's called down there.
Looks like the letter G
and it's smiling at you.
Goodwill.
Bam.
G.
Goodwill.
Got it.
You know,
they dump half their shit
in the fucking warehouse
and eventually it ends up
at SeaWorld
and that's why those,
those goddamn killer whales
are constantly fucking attacking
their trainers.
You know what I mean?
They're swimming around
with like Oshbosh,
all that Oshkosh shit.
What do you call those things?
What are those nice galoshes?
L.L. Bean ruined the galosh,
you know,
by making those duck boots
like fashionable.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
But anyway,
so I'm getting rid
of a bunch of that shit
and you know,
all of these fucking stupid ass suits
that I bought
and all of this shit
that I've just had for years
and like suits
are so fucking dumb.
If you buy it
like a crazy pattern suit,
it looks great
for like about a year
and then it just goes
out of style.
whatever fucking
anchorman shit
that people retro thing
they were trying to do,
it just fucking
goes out of style.
So,
I think I'm gonna go
to Indochino
and I'm gonna buy
like fucking four suits.
I'm not even gonna tell
my wife I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna go to Indochino.
This is not an ad.
This is just the truth
because I went
to a fucking wedding
and I blew all this money
in this suit
and this guy
had the best suit there.
I go,
where'd you get this thing?
He goes,
this suit was 175 bucks.
I think he went to Indochino
but it had a really cool pattern
and then he had a nice shirt
with some shoes on,
cufflinks and stuff
and like nobody fucking knows.
Nobody gives a shit
and then if you spent
175 bucks
on the goddamn thing,
you don't give a fuck.
You don't give a fuck
if you get a little fucking
little salsa on it
later on that night.
So,
I think I'm just gonna
clear the fucking table
and,
you know,
everybody talks about
how fucking Einstein,
you know,
figured out how to make a bomb
that could wipe out
all those people,
you know?
E equals MC squared
and all that,
you know?
But the big thing
that stands out for me
because I don't understand
how any of that shit works,
I mean,
don't get me wrong,
I was always trying
to buy illegal fireworks
but, you know,
I was about as far
as it went.
I like tha