Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-22
Uploaded: 2022-10-31T18:49:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-31. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-31-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, October 31st, 2022.
2022, what's going on, everybody? How are you?
Yes, it's Halloween, all right? And if you're an adult, do yourself a favor.
Let the kids dress up. Stay out of it, all right?
All kinds of, you know, cute things happen when kids dress up as their favorite,
you know, superhero, cartoon character, or whatnot.
When adults do it, you know, all of a sudden, somebody makes a pass to somebody's
fucking wife.
Somebody wears something socially not correct and goes to work and gets a dumbass
fired.
You know, don't do that. Don't go eyes wide shut. Don't fucking show up in a Klan
suit being like,
No, I'm not in the Klan. I was dressed, I'm dressing as someone in the Klan.
What do you mean I can't manage it?
You can't manage a restaurant wearing that. It's a crackle barrel.
Yeah.
I'm not saying you can't go out there and just fucking, you know, do whatever
the fuck you want to do.
Not saying that. Not trying to wag my finger at you.
Okay?
As all us phonies out here in Hollywood love to do, we love to tell you how to
live your lives.
Don't we?
Huh?
You guys, oh, I'm just a simple country boy.
Just fucking leave me alone.
Just leave me alone with my guns and my fucking pigs.
None of that's true.
None of that's true.
Those are just the stereotypes.
The reality is, is most people tell other people how they should be fucking
living.
You know?
And they're called motivational speakers.
You know what I miss?
I miss the guys late at night that would be screaming about whatever product
they were trying to sell to the point like they, they, they, they, they, veins
would be popping out of their fucking necks.
Remember that guy?
I don't even know what he was selling.
I just remember he had long blonde hair that he had, and I think in a ponytail,
and he would just be screaming.
I used to do a bit about that guy like 25 years ago.
The fucking guy was always selling something.
And he'd be talking to somebody, and they would be speaking in a regular voice,
and he would just be screaming at them about whatever the latest hunk of shit
that he was selling.
What ever happened to that guy?
Does anybody know where that guy, I hope that guy still has his money, because
there's no way he still has his voice.
The only person I ever saw scream, like, longer than that guy consistently on
my television was Brian Johnson of ACDC.
Anyway, so it's Halloween, gonna take my daughter out.
I want to take my son out too, but my, my wife thinks she's, he's, he's too
young.
Which I don't know.
I don't think so.
I guess he'd want to, like, run around and shit.
Who knows?
My kids are still, like, young, so, like, we go out earlier.
I still remember when my daughter was three.
And we were going out trick-or-treating.
We were having a great time.
And, um, I said to her at one point, I go, how you doing, buddy?
How you doing?
And she goes, she goes, I'm doing good.
She goes, dada, dada, I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
Like, she knew.
She felt me trying to wrap it up.
And I was just like, oh, wow, okay.
She fucking is loving this and is on to what I'm trying to do.
So we went to, like, you know, like 20 more houses, came home with all of this
candy.
It's funny, and she eats her candy the way, I guess, my wife did when she was a
little girl.
Where, I guess, my lovely wife would try to make it last as long as she could.
And she would still be eating it and snacking on it in, like, March.
Which is weird to me.
Maybe it wasn't that long.
I, on the other hand, would go home and, like, that night just begin just, you
know.
My parents would be like, you can have one piece of candy and then go to bed,
right?
The fucking, the rules, right?
So we would do that.
And then, like, you know, the next morning we'd wake up before they even knew
it.
We already had, like, fucking five pieces of candy.
You know, all that shit.
Charleston Chew.
All those shitty fucking, just, the candy bars, I feel like, are way better.
Like, there was some really bad ones.
Like, Charleston Chew was fucking terrible.
I don't even know what, I don't even know what was in it.
It was chocolate, sort of, on the outside.
It had some sort of white filling that wasn't quite marshmallow and it wasn't
quite, like, nougat.
Like, did they even use nougat, any milk?
That's, like, one of those, like, man-made things.
Anyway, I'm just saying, you know, don't go to work as a woman dressed as a
fucking prostitute.
All right?
Because some guy's going to say something and then, you know, I know you're not
a prostitute, but whatever.
You know.
This is comedian Cynthia Corey used to do this fucking bit.
It's a timeless joke.
I first saw her do it in the late 90s, was talking about women, I think, you
know, walking around going, I'm a cat.
I'm a cat.
She's like, no, you're a whore.
Just coming in with, like, no fucking clothes on.
It's one of my favorite fucking, like, just, like, there are very few timeless
jokes, but you could do that joke today.
You could do it 25 years ago.
You probably could have done it in the 70s.
Anyway.
I'm plowing ahead here.
Ol' Freckles.
Ol' Freckles watched a little bit of sports this weekend.
I watched game one of the World Series.
And still, they have not brought up the fucking Astros, that the Astros fixed
the fucking World Series.
So I started trolling them on the fucking, on the internet, just to, on Twitter,
just to get it going.
Let's get it.
Come on, man.
You got to get it going.
Let's, let's, let's get, give them the shit that they fucking deserve.
Now, here's the deal.
Like, you know, I don't give a fuck that they did it.
What I give a fuck about is that people aren't still talking about it.
Okay?
Because I watched my team, like, trumped up charges.
Like, complete horse shit that got fucking thrown out of court.
Lasted for fucking 10 years.
Oh, they filmed the Rams practice.
We never filmed it.
It was complete horse shit.
Everyone knew it was horse shit.
They kept reporting it.
And then six years later, after fucking talking about it, the goddamn ESPN does
a fucking tweet at two in the, two in the morning, retracting it.
These guys fixed the fucking World Series.
I mean, they, they got to be getting their shit.
The storyline is the Houston Astros are trying to win their first World Series
without cheating.
And this is what gets even better.
It turns out one of the guys on the Astros in the first game was using a bat
that was illegal.
Okay?
Now, some are saying it was because the head was too big.
Another was saying because it's a dangerous wood and it could splinter.
That's what Astro fans are saying.
You know?
Some MLB guy, like, stated that and then quickly retracted it for whatever
fucking reason.
So who knows what.
And then the pitcher last night was wiping all kinds of goop off of his fucking
wrist.
I mean, they're just a dirty, filthy, nasty little franchise, aren't they?
I'm enjoying every second of this.
And they were up five to nothing.
And the baseball gods said, you guys cheat too much.
And they lost that fucking game.
That and the Phillies came back.
That's the one thing I would be nervous about if I was an Astro.
If I was rooting for the team that fixed the first World Series since 1919 when
the Chicago White Sox did it.
I would be worried that the Phillies beat Justin Verlander.
And they don't quit.
Like, last night, they were down five to one.
Still got a guy on base.
Still brought him in.
Still scoring runs in the ninth.
Still kind of making Astro fans uncomfortable.
I got to be honest with you.
Like, when the Astros got caught,
I didn't give a fuck because of all the steroids and that type of shit.
So I was like, hey, you know, good on you.
Whatever.
You're banged on a trash can.
Good for you.
My thing is, you should be getting shit for it.
And then I met some Astro fans.
And the way that they were blowing off what happened.
The way that they were blowing off.
Like, you literally fixed the World Series.
And everybody does it.
Everybody does it.
It's like, no, they don't.
They don't.
You know, everybody took steroids.
Everybody, if they had the money, you know, loaded up on free agents.
Everybody didn't fucking do what you guys did.
So that's all it is.
I just want to see them get their shit.
And I've been enjoying the hell out of it.
It's actually been a really good series.
And as far as, to be honest with you,
as far as a pitcher was, you know, putting stuff on the ball,
that is something they all do.
And hitters actually appreciate it.
Because they don't, they want the guy to have some control.
You know, if somebody gets up to you, like, wild thing and hits you in the head,
you could end your career or your fucking life.
So as far as I know, I don't think baseball players have that big an issue with
it.
But I think the Phillies are, I think it all depends.
I think it all depends on what's going on.
But, um, I don't know.
I don't, I don't know what.
But I am enjoying that the fans are at least talking about it.
And I am absolutely astounded that ESPN has not said a fucking goddamn fucking
word about it.
And they dragged the Patriots for 20 fucking years.
Not 20 years.
From 07.
Right up until Tom Brady left.
Um, and then Tom Brady leaves and wins the title.
And then they all start going, uh, is Bill Belichick nothing without, um, I don't
know.
Did it really come down to the fact that Tom Brady was a good looking guy?
Um, I think a lot of it did because the, the fucking joy that people are
getting watching him having a tough season and, uh, ripping him apart and then
enjoying watching him go through a divorce is bizarre.
Um, like who, who's fucking happy that somebody's going through a divorce, you
know, or looks at it like, oh, there, this, you know, the next four hours of
this radio program right itself.
Um, um, and then also the amount of people that, like, uh, I don't know, that
they give a shit about athletes' personal lives like that.
Like, you're supposed to be into sports.
You're not supposed to be into the real housewife shit.
So why would you give a fuck about what this person, you know, it's not like
anything crazy happened.
He's getting a divorce.
Who gives a fuck?
It's none of your business.
Like, leave the guy alone.
Um, leave Britney alone.
Um, so anyway, I, uh, watched, yeah, I watched that first game and then I was
clicking back
and forth, just sort of watching the score in game two, because I was watching
Michigan versus
Michigan state and, um, I love that game.
That was a great big 10 game.
Couldn't score a touchdown, kick the field goals, John Madden football.
I loved it.
All right.
And, uh, one of the announcers was going like, these field goals, they'll
figure out how to make them touchdowns.
They're really going to have a tough time against Ohio state.
Ohio state.
It's like, they're not playing Ohio state right now.
And they're taking what Michigan state is giving them a team that beat them to
the last two years in a row.
And they're making the field goals and they're the, the, the, these field goals
is what's making them win the fucking game.
Like, I don't understand at what point the field goal became like,
like this loser move, like getting three points is a bad move and you should
just go for it and, and, you know, push all your chips in every fucking hand
you dealt.
I just don't fucking understand it.
Paul Brown back in the day with Lou, the toe groza, they changed football.
They showed how important the kicking game is.
And now they're literally trying to fucking get rid of it.
They're almost trying to get rid of the punter.
Now, do you go for it here in the first quarter, rather than going three and
out on your own 18?
I'll tell you right now, it wouldn't surprise me at third and 12 on their own
fucking 18 in the first quarter.
I'm surprised they didn't go for it right there.
Fucking madness.
Um, I haven't said that, uh, by the way, it was a great game.
Um, it's just great to see that Michi