Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-22
Uploaded: 2022-11-07T19:52:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-07. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-7-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday,
November 7th, 2022. What's going on? How are you? It's Sunday afternoon. I'm
about to do,
I'm in Madison, Wisconsin. If you've never been here, an absolutely amazing
college town.
This is one of these colleges that makes me wish I studied in high school.
You know, makes me wish I applied myself and got student loans and lived at
school
and got one of these off-campus apartments with the porch and the giant couch
in the front
and get fucking hammered, right? And major in dentistry or whatever the fuck
would have happened.
But I didn't. I didn't. But I can walk around the campus now like an old creep.
I actually, I fucking, I'm fighting off a cold here, by the way. I went, I'm
working with Nate
Craig, who's from the area, who's been absolutely fucking destroying. If you'd
like to see a guy
before he sells a bunch of, you know, theaters or whatever, go out and go see
Nate Craig. Nate Craig,
just top notch comedy. I mean, I was sitting there watching him when we were in
Grand Rapids.
I'm like, this guy, he's a, he's a, he's fucking killing. He's a beast. So
definitely check him out.
Half the places where I'm playing at, he's saying to people, hey, catch me when
I'm back in a couple of months.
So he's out there doing the thing. Shout out to him. And he grew up in this
area and took me to this place
on the campus to get a Midwest vanilla shake. That's a malt. And, uh, you know,
I've been hitting the gym
when I've been out here and also, you know, been substance free until today. I
had a cup of coffee.
Finally had a cup of coffee. It was hilarious. I went to this place. Uh,
I want to say 30 for 30, but that's the ESPN. It's a coffee place in, um, Peoria,
Illinois.
I was in Peoria, Illinois. What's that? That's a city. Can't say what he said
after that. The great
Richard Pryor, uh, one of my favorite heckles and comebacks ever stayed in
character and kept going.
Um, birthplace of Richard Pryor, uh, which I'll get to that in a second. I went
out and I got this coffee.
Got a cappuccino and, um, dude, how about these guys that fucking parachute
into a goddamn football
stadium? Like, how do you even practice for that? My God, which is usually like
in a downtown area.
There's all kinds of like skyscrapers. So you got Venturi's and all of that
shit. Anything can blow
you off course. Uh, it's inevitable. Someday somebody shoot isn't going to
fucking open and they're going to bounce
right on the logo. The NFL will have a moment of silence for five seconds,
spray paint the body pink and
they'll stick it in that fucking tent on the sideline and the show will go on.
Um, so anyway, I went to get this
cup of coffee. Um, by the way, right now I'm currently watching the Rams first
Tampa. I bet the Rams
cause I just overheard that the, uh, Tampa's, uh, offensive line was banged up.
So I was thinking
like, all right, they got that lunatic, whatever the fuck his name that, uh,
throwback 1960s NFL
quarterback. I mean, uh, down lineman on the defense, defensive tackle. So I'm
like, all right, he should
be, you know,
presenting some problems and it's just not happening. Dude. Gambling is the
funniest fucking shit ever.
You fucking dumb cunt. Catch the fucking ball. Jesus Christ.
What the fuck was that? What in the fuck was that? Wide open. What the fuck was
that?
It was just one of these track stars. They make a fucking wide receiver.
Seven, 10 in the first quarter. If you're wondering, um, I'm sure he's a good
player.
Jesus Christ. Ah, fucking Arizona's winning. I'm going to go over in four. Come
on, Pete Carroll,
you sneaky bastard. Get it covered. Just cover for me. Um, anyway, uh, I don't
know what I was talking
about. Oh, so I was getting this goddamn coffee, right? And, uh, my first
coffee in like a week
or so, right? No, I had the, I had the double espresso on the way out. Whatever.
I've been doing
great. You know, I had two cups this week. Doesn't have a hold of me. All right.
Oh, control. Uh,
I fucking, uh, I get a cappuccino. This lady put a swan in, in, in the milk. I've
never seen anybody
do a swan. That was a new one. And it was a swan. She even outlined the
feathers. She was a master,
right? So unfortunately I was, oh, great, great fucking protection. Great
fucking protection.
Jesus Christ. I'm going to, I'm going to go on four this week.
You know, it's funny though. People always say, you know, why do you watch
sports? It's so fucking
stupid. It's like, is it? It's one of the few things you can watch where if you're
the best at
what you do, they don't give a fuck what race you are. You actually get the job.
So there's one for
sports. It's better than your superhero movies. They're all fucking white. It
looks like goddamn
the MLB in the 1920s. Fuck are you giving me shit for? Um, anyway, just imagine
if we did all in
this, in all of society, you know what I mean? Like how much better did sports
get when they let every
race compete? Just think of all the fucking scientists, all the fucking
mathematicians and
all of this stuff. These fucking idiots. This is another one of these white guy
fucking elections.
I take the country back. You know, you know, I'm a simple guy, but every other
election,
they have the white guy. I'm a simple guy standing out in a cornfield or in the
woods,
whittling some fucking wood. When a guy says, I'm a simple guy, that means he
thinks he's smarter than
you. And just this whole fucking idea that he's going to get in office and he
has a red tie and
instead of a blue tie, that he's not also going to get bent over a rail and
fucked in the ass by the
bankers. It's hilarious to me. And the fact that the big bad boogeyman keeping
us all down is some
fucking nerd in a suit. Dude, there's no way I'm winning this game. Jesus
Christ. Look at the size
of that guy starting the fucking lawnmower. Look at that guy. That's fucking
hilarious. He just started
a lawnmower and it was a push mower, not even a ride mower. I don't know who
that guy is. He just
became my famous fucking defensive lineman in the league. Number 50. Shout out
to him.
Look at that guy. I like how tight his jersey is too. I think that's brave that
he does that. You
know, like when a woman's in her third trimester and she's wearing a form
fitting dress and they're
like, that's so brave. I think he's brave to go out there, to go out there like
that. Um,
anyway, yeah, I'm just a simple guy, you know? And then, so now we're going to
go all red,
right? On this election. You can feel it. It's going to happen. And then we're
going to end up
in the same fucking situation. And then next midterm elections, Trump will be
back and then we'll have,
we'll have, and everyone's going to go blue and it's going to be a bunch of
fucking crying liberals
like, Oh my God, they're not helping out the seals. Right. And then they're
going to fucking,
everybody's going to run back. This is what I don't understand. Am I really to
believe? Like,
I don't get like how Donald Trump wins in 2016. Help me with the math on this.
You know,
I'm just a simple guy doing a podcast, just hitting the air, whittling on a
speaker cord,
sitting in a podcast studio. I'm just like you, you know, I put my pod cat
podcast pants on one
layer of the tap. Um, explain to me how all these motherfuckers vote for Donald
Trump
and he wins. Right. And they all fucking love him. And then four years later,
he gets his fucking ass
kicked in the election. Right. He did. Didn't he? And it was, I don't know what
the fuck the numbers
were. I'm just saying he loses. So like, what did a bunch of red people go like,
well, he's got it.
He's all right. Or did a bunch of blue people show up who didn't fucking show
up the last time.
And then the same thing with the midterm elections, right? Going all blue. Let's
get these fucking
red tie guys out of there. Where are all the red people to be like, Oh no, you
don't.
Right. So now it's going to, it's all going to go the other. I just don't
fucking buy it.
Nobody in four years switches a party. Everybody fucking knows who they're
voting for. Everybody
already fucking knows. None of it makes sense. It makes as much sense as what
they're doing now,
where they're going like, you're not counting the votes unless our guy wins.
Like that whole fucking idea. None, I don't, none of it makes sense, you know?
And then people go,
why do you watch sports? Why don't you pick a side?
Uh, you know how much fun this country would be if Bernie Sanders became
president and they actually
worked with them? All of these fucking cunts in the fucking democratic party
who the guy wins the
nomination and they don't let him fucking run. Then they have Hillary Clinton
looking like some
old real estate agent runs. Do you know how fucking amazing those debates would
have been? That's like
when you were waiting for Manny Pacquiao and fucking Mayweather to fight. And
by the time they did,
they were, it was just too old, right? Oh my God. Bernie Sanders. I was saying
Bernie would win,
but that would have been so much more interesting. The two wild cards, you know,
we don't know what's going to happen. Um, I'm going to be talking politics here.
Um,
like I think the, uh, the stupidest shit in the fucking world is after the
Democrats and Republicans
pick, you know, the stupid ass fucking moron that they're going to have, you
know, be the next
president. The fact that they then have them debate each other, like people don't
already know who
they're going to vote for. Right. You could literally, you know, you could
fucking put a
goddamn, I don't know what you could put a chimpanzee in a blue tie with
dementia and liberals
are going to vote for it. Right. And then you could take a fucking horse's ass,
not even the rest of
the horse and just put a red tie around it. And I like, I like that fucking
horse's ass makes a lot
of fucking sense. I like the chimpanzee that can't remember how to open a
banana. Do you open a
banana? Listen, guy, I'm just a simple guy sitting in a hotel room out here,
Madison, Wisconsin,
watching a football game, losing my goddamn money. Um, I did see a good
political ad where they,
the, the, the guy was shitting on the other guy standing out in the field was
shitting on the
other guy saying he's an environmental activist. And I'm thinking like, is that,
is that bad?
My opponent wants clean drinking water. I mean, what next? Vladimir Putin? Is
Airbnb in my fucking
barn? Ah, Jesus Christ. I blame this backlash on liberals. I blame it all on
them and their
fucking award shows and wagging their dumb fingers at people, telling people
what they should be,
they should be doing when they're so fucking elitist. They won't even look at
45 of the 50
states. I just fly over those. You know, it's just like, you know, I can't.
There's not enough Pilates
studios in Nebraska. So like, forget that. And then you got all the dumb
conservatives out there
in fucking Hollywood, fucking a placenta and the goddamn infinity poos. Um, so
Bill, what's your
solution? I have none, but I would love to see Bernie Sanders. I just, just
something about that.
Like, he looks like he runs his own, like, you know, those guys that fix
watches.
He just come walking in and they got the glasses on with the magnifying thing.
And he just looks up,
I'll do that. Right. And they fix it right there for you. Like how much to like
five bucks.
They're like, what fucking century do you live in that you're still, there's a
guy that fixes
watches in my neighborhood. He's like the, you fix it. I can't, any watch I
bring in,
he, he fixes it right when I'm standing there and he always goes five bucks and
I still give him a 20.
Oh, what are you, the hero of this story, Bill? I think I was. Uh, speaking of
bills last Thursday,
if you missed it, I had Bill Maher on my podcast and I cannot tell you how much
I enjoyed having him as a
guest on my show. I had so much fun with that guy. Um, so check it out. Uh,
g