Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-22
Uploaded: 2022-11-13T21:03:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-13. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday,
Monday morning podcast that I'm doing on Saturday. So I'm not just checking in
on you.
I'm just doing this one now, laying on my back in bed, fucking been sick as a
dog.
No, it's not COVID. No, it's not monkey pox.
It might be scurvy. I've been on the road. I don't know what it is, but this
has just been kicking my fucking ass
for the last couple of days. You know what's hilarious was I went into the
guest room
because I didn't want to get my wife sick, slash my podcast studio, right?
You know, right next to the garage, and there's this old-ass heater in there,
and the fucking thing, the heater got stuck on 80 degrees, and I couldn't shut
it off.
And I was like, it was like I would go to 80, and I would go to turn it down,
and it would still say 80, and then it would show it go down to like 71,
and then when I let go of it, it would go back up to 80.
So I was like, what if I go past 80? Will that unfreeze it?
You know, this is my technical mind here, and go back down.
So I fucking blew past it and went up to 90, and then it got stuck on 90.
So I'm out there by myself, and it's just coming out.
It's like there's literally a furnace just blasting this hell's fire
into this little-ass room next to my garage, and I'm out there all by myself.
I'm fucking sick as a dog. I'm so excited to be home,
and I want to hang out with my kids, and I can't do it
because I don't want to get them sick.
I can't hang out with my wife, and I'm just out there,
and now this heat is just fucking blasting down.
So my wife is going to bring something out, unfortunately, to me.
And I said, good, because the heater's busted.
And she goes out there, and I just went on a fucking nose-clogged tirade
about how fucking stupid it is to own a house
because I have every motherfucking thing from the front door lock
from day one.
The front door lock didn't work.
I had to replace that all the way out to my fucking garage.
Every cocksucking motherfucking thing that could fucking break.
I mean everything.
Every fucking thing.
The motherfucking pipe that lasts 100 years,
the original one that goes out to the fucking town sewer,
the city sewer, that thing fucking went.
And I had to get that thing fucking cost me.
I don't even want to tell you how much that fucking cost me.
Charlie Chaplin took shits through that pipe.
That's how old that fucking thing was.
And these guys came in, had to dig up my driveway,
to walk under the fucking house.
And I just fucking went off.
And I was flipping out.
So Nia just goes, calm down.
And I go, what do you mean calm down?
I'm fucking, what do you mean?
I'm not fucking calm.
She just like, she just walks away.
Now when I'm in that mood, I'm glad she does it.
She just fucking walked away.
She tried to fix it, and she couldn't fix it.
She thought, you know, because I suck at technology.
You know, even like using a thermostat.
It used to be just those little things
that you just pushed up and down,
and that's what the fuck it was.
You know?
And I've just gotten to this age now
where I can't fucking do anything.
Oh, my kids are back.
I can't do fucking anything, right?
Like, I go to a hotel room.
It takes me like 20 minutes
to figure, like, where is the menu?
Is it on an iPad thing?
Is it on the TV?
How do I work this?
How do I turn on the fucking TV?
Where the fuck are the lights?
I think I talked about this.
So I was just coming off the road from that shit.
So I can't get this fucking heat to shut off.
My wife can't get the heat to shut off.
She goes, all right, I'm going to go.
And I said, fine.
Fine, get out of here, right?
So she fucking leaves.
I apologize the next day, right?
Both my fucking nose was clogged up,
and I had goddamn fucking Dante's Inferno
blasted down on me.
So finally, I just fucking,
I go on the internet,
and I'm trying to figure this fucking thing out.
I got the door wide open.
It's freezing cold out.
So now I got this ice-cold air coming in
with this fucking hot shit coming at me,
and I'm like,
I'm literally going to get fucking malaria here.
You can't get malaria
unless you get bit by a fucking mosquito there
and whatever, you know what I mean.
So what I ended up doing was
I couldn't figure it out,
and I finally just said, fuck it.
And I went outside.
I just started throwing switches.
I had my little fucking iPhone.
I couldn't see shit with the flashlight.
And I finally found it.
I just fucking unplugged it.
I unplugged it,
and it went,
and just stopped.
And then I went back,
and I'm like,
cock-sucking, motherfucking.
Dude, it was literally like,
I mean,
you could have taught a hot yoga class
in this fucking place.
And then I'm laying there
on top of the covers,
and then what was hilarious
was then it slowly
became fucking freezing.
But there was a moment.
There was like an 11-minute moment
where it was the perfect fucking temperature
that I was trying to get.
But I feel vindicated
because
when the guy came to fix it,
he did say that the thing was fucked up,
and he took the thermostat thing off.
So,
I don't know.
I don't know.
So I've been sick for I don't know how many days,
and I've just been having like,
you know,
like when the universe is telling you
to just go back home.
It's a great thing with this guy.
This Indian guy is going like,
you know,
if you're having a bad day,
just say fuck it.
Go home.
Try again tomorrow.
Like,
that was just playing in a loop on my head.
Like,
every fucking thing
that could go wrong,
like went wrong.
I forgot my daughter's thermos
when I dropped her off at school,
so I raced back to go get it.
And as my wife was coming out,
bringing it to me,
I was looking at her
to make sure she was pulling up.
And I didn't look,
and I,
I fucking hacked my rim
on the curb.
I was like,
ah,
fuck,
all right,
I'll get that fixed.
I know a place that
levels it out
and paints it
or fucking whatever,
right?
Drive down,
drop that off,
come back.
My son wants to go for a ride
in the old truck.
So I say,
fuck it.
I'm gonna take him for a ride.
Just drive up the hill,
you know,
a couple streets over,
I can get up into the hills
where the people have the views,
right?
And I go to start it up,
nothing.
I mean,
not even a noise.
And I was like,
ah,
you motherfucker.
So then I fucking called AAA
and these cunts,
I haven't called them in years.
And they're like,
do you want to use
a virtual assistant?
And I'm like,
no.
You know?
And they're like,
is this address
your address,
your home address?
I'm like,
no.
It's like,
I'm not giving you
all this fucking information.
I pay your fucking money.
I'll tell you where I'm at.
Just fucking come over
and throw a fucking battery
in it,
you cunts,
right?
They were great,
by the way.
But that whole fucking system,
we just sent you
a text message.
Did you get it?
And I did.
And I just said,
no.
I just don't play the game.
I wish you guys
would stop playing
the fucking game.
You know?
I just say,
no,
no,
no,
not doing it,
not doing it.
I want to talk to a person.
I want you to send a person.
I want to talk to the person
and then fucking figure it out.
So the guy finally shows up.
I'm thinking the whole time,
like,
I literally could have driven
to AutoZone
and just fucking bought a battery.
I mean,
replacing a battery
has got to be,
other than an air filter,
the easiest fucking thing
to do on a car.
And that's what I was thinking
the whole time.
And I'm just like,
ah,
you know,
whatever.
So I got a new battery
out of it.
So then I handled that.
And then the one highlight
of my day was
I took my,
I took my son
up the hill,
you know,
I go down side streets
and then I cross
one main street.
There was nobody there.
And I just took him up
and we were going
up the hill
and he's going
up the hill,
up the hill.
And at one point
we were driving up the hill
and you know,
the truck makes
all this noise.
It's an old school truck,
you know?
And I looked over at him
and he looked at me
and he just ear to ear,
broke into an ear to ear
grin,
and I was just like,
this is what the fuck
it's all about,
you know?
Like he's gonna,
someday,
you know,
when I'm gone,
he's gonna,
my dad used to take me
up that truck
and we had a great time.
I just like in the moment
knew that that was gonna be
like one of those things.
And I'll tell you,
I'm teaching both my kids
how to drive that thing,
you know,
how to drive a stick.
I really believe in that shit,
you know,
and I fucking hate
these goddamn
iPads and stuff.
Like,
my daughter,
like now that,
you know,
she has access to one,
if you don't let her have one,
it's like she's going
through a breakup.
It's like,
you shouldn't give a fuck
about
something like this
to that level
at your age.
So anyway,
continuing my day,
you know,
even though I'm under the weather,
I drop my kid off
because,
you know,
it's an important thing to me,
driving my kid to school
and picking her up
and fucking being there,
right?
So,
you know,
we listen to all kinds
of music and stuff.
Like,
I introduced her
to the Talking Heads,
which was so cool,
right?
So I always go deep cut,
so I went with
the party song Swamp.
She kind of liked it
or whatever,
but then I was like,
she kind of wasn't feeling it,
so I went mainstream
and played
Burning Down the House.
Now she loves that song
and she wants me
not to sing it.
She goes,
Dad,
don't sing it.
I want to listen to it.
So,
now she's like
requesting it,
which is good,
you know?
She likes ACDC,
you know,
as far as like my music,
Aerosmith,
Talking Heads,
Joan Jett,
and,
oh,
Queen,
and her favorite
Queen song is,
oh,
what the fuck
is this song?
Spread Your Wings
and Fly Away,
which was like,
I wasn't even familiar
with that song.
I actually downloaded
the album
just like this past year
when Taylor Hawkins
passed away
when they were talking
about some of his
favorite albums
and I knew that he was
a big Queen guy
so he would know
the album to get
and this was one
of the albums
that they talked
about that he liked
or whatever.
So I was like,
all right,
I got to get past
all of the radio
Queen shit
and I liked that song
and I played it for her
so she liked that.
So all that part
of the day was good.
So fucking driving home
and I'm coming up
and I'm in the middle lane
and there's like
people on either side.
It's like three lanes
and the light's green
but nobody's going
on either side.
I'm like,
what are they doing?
Are they staring
at their phones?
So I start to go
and all of a sudden
this fucking junkie
walks right in front
of my car
and I had to like
lock him up
and,
you know,
the seatbelt
went tight on my,
you know,
daughter's chest
and kind of,
you know,
crossed her neck
a little bit
and she was crying
and she was just like,
why was that guy
smiling?
Because the guy
was kind of looking
at me doing like
his Woodstock dance
as I'm staring
at him.
You know,
I mean,
what are you going
to do?
The guy is sick.
He's literally sick.
He's like on drugs
and my kid's there
so I'm not going
to curse him out
and drive away
and she goes,
oh,
the seatbelt,
you know,
went on my neck.
I'm like,
sorry about that
and she goes,
why was that guy
smiling,
dad?
Why was he smiling?
When you almost hit him,
I was like,
because he's on drugs.
She's like,
what are drugs?
And I was like,
oh God.
I'm like,
all right,
you know when you
spin around a lot
and you stop
and your head
feels like,
oh,
I go,
it's like that
but worse
and you end up
being like homeless
and you ruin your life
and she goes,
and I,
you know,
it's probably
too much information.
She goes,
well,
maybe he was just happy
because of something.
I said,
all right,
maybe,
yeah,
maybe he was just happy.
Maybe somebody told him
a funny joke
or whatever.
I got to watch that
because I kind of like go,
you know,
if my kid asks me a question,
I'm going to tell him the answer.
You know,
which should get interesting
at some point.
But I think it's
a huge thing though.
Some things you should sugarcoat
but like,
I swear to God,
if my kid ever said to me,
it's like