Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-22
Uploaded: 2022-11-14T18:26:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-14. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, November 14th, 2022.
What's going on? How are you? It's Sunday night in my house. I just put both my
kids to bed.
My wife is out of town, so I'm running the fucking show.
All right, I'm making the calls. I decide who can have fucking granola or if
they're eating pancakes or if they're the healthy pancakes or the fucking other
ones.
I'm making all the calls. Still fucking getting over being sick or whatever. I
fucking hate being sick.
There's always that douche who says that. I'm sick. I fucking hate being sick.
Yeah, everybody does. What are you thinking? Some people enjoy it.
I'll actually tell you, there is an aspect of being sick that I like.
It's called clearing your schedule. You know?
I should fucking save. I should record myself right now.
You know, here's what you do. Here's what you do.
Yeah, when you're in this mode, record yourself going, yeah, hey, it's me.
I'm fucking sick, man. I can't make it in.
You know, that cough I just did would have been great.
You can steal that cough if you want to make it yours.
Can't make it in today, blah, blah, blah.
You just save them for when you want to fake sick and just clear your fucking
schedule.
So I got to be honest with you.
If I wasn't sick, laying in bed for like three days was kind of fucking awesome.
You know? And just being like, I don't know, like, gee, I'd love to pitch in
and be a viable member of this fucking family, but I'm not feeling well.
My wife was all just like, you need to stay in bed and you need to drink
liquids, right?
And she's like, here, drink this.
And she kept coming in with medicine.
I'm like, what? What is that?
What are you? What are you fucking Dr. Joyce brothers over there?
Like, when did you get a medical degree?
She came in with all this shit and she gave it to me.
And she was like accusing me of not drinking it, pretending to drink it like I
was in one flu over the cuckoo's nest.
And I was like, I drank it.
It's gross.
You know, tastes like medicine.
Oh, fuck.
So, anyway, I'm going to do as long as I can on this podcast, all right?
I'm just going to do the best I can, all right?
And then expect full credit, you know?
Sorry, I'm trying to relate to what I see out there.
Sorry.
Anyway, where should we start?
Let's start at the beginning here.
Sad, sad news.
Legendary stand-up comedian Gallagher passed away on Friday, I believe,
November 11th, man.
Jesus Christ.
And deserved way more of a send-off than he got, you know?
That fucking guy was so huge to so many comedians of my generation.
I mean, he was like so ridiculously prolific.
The guy had like an HBO special every year for like a decade.
And he was a fascinating comedian in that he existed somewhere between George
Carlin and Carrot Top.
He kind of ran this whole gamut, both of whom I find hilarious for different
reasons.
Like, I never gave into that.
You know, maybe early on in my stand-up career when I was insecure and I would
listen to other comedians talk about what real stand-up comedy was.
Like, that guy has a guitar.
That guy just does impressions.
This person, you know, does too much crowd work.
This person has props.
You know, I just find it was just like, all right.
That person, they move around too much.
Like, it got so fucking snobby when I started that, like, if you fucking move
too much, it was all, he just goes up there, he just stands there.
And I keep saying he because it was mostly guys doing it, you know?
It was like, you know, women before World War II.
Like, none of them had fucking jobs as far as, I don't know, maybe a
documentary I kind of saw.
I don't know.
It was mostly guys.
So, like, the guys that got the most respect were the guys that could go on
fucking stage, like, walk up to the microphone.
He doesn't even take the microphone out of the fucking stand, man.
And they would just stand there.
And just what they wrote, they would recite and they could kill.
Which, admittedly, was amazing.
But what I loved about Gallagher was he had all of these, you know, he was a
fascinating guy.
He had all of this really deep shit that he was talking about.
But then he had all this silly stuff, like coming out on a giant bicycle or
sitting on that big couch.
And, of course, in the end, smashing the watermelons.
And when I was a kid, I didn't really get that bit.
I just thought it was funny that this guy had a giant hammer and was smashing
all this shit that was going into the crowd.
I didn't get that he was making fun of advertising and was sort of commenting
on these stupid commercials that were selling you something completely fucking
useless that you didn't even need.
And that was not going to make your life more simple.
And he was sort of making fun of that by just coming up with the stupidest
thing ever, the sledge-o-matic, which basically smashed everything, right?
But then he had all of these, like, these incredible bits.
Like, he had this one bit where he was talking about the English language.
And he sat down at a school desk.
I remember that.
And he started off, whatever word he started with led to another word, which
led to another word, and led to another word.
And he did this whole long bit, and it went all the way back to the word that
he started with.
And I just remembered, like, you know, he was talking about the pronunciation
of stuff.
And, um, H-E-A-R-D, heard.
And then he pointed to his face.
He's like, is this a bird?
No, beard.
Okay, beard.
B-E-A-R-D.
And then he would connect it that way.
And he sat at a school desk, and he went all the way around in a circle.
It was a really fucking smart bit.
And, um, you know, he had themes to him.
I had one, you know, when he was addressing the fact that as we were losing all
the manufacturing in this country,
he had this whole thing, like, what did you do to, uh, you know, beat Japan or
China today?
Which nowadays would be considered, you know, you couldn't say shit like that.
But, like, you know, it was different back then.
It was like teams.
You could just, you know.
I mean, I actually saw, like, around that same era, you know,
when Tom Lasorda, great Tom Lasorda was managing the Dodgers.
They went down to San Diego, and who was ever starting pitching that day beamed
one of the San Diego Padres.
So some guy in the Padres mouthed off.
He goes, I think that guy went out there, and he was told to do it.
And I think it goes back to that fat Italian.
He said that about Tom Lasorda, that fat Italian.
In the newspapers, you could never do that today.
So to put it in his, you know, in perspective, like, that's the way he was
doing shit, right?
Anyway, and I know he got a little nuts in the end or whatever.
But, like, that period in the 80s, and the comedy that that guy did,
and the specials that he put out, and the thought behind all of it.
I just, I couldn't wait to watch him.
I fucking loved every single one of him.
And I remember as I was coming up, you know, I would play a club,
and Gallagher had been there the week before, and there'd be, you know,
still stuff in the ceiling and shit like that.
And I always thought I was going to meet him.
I never met the guy.
Bummed out about that.
But I do want to say, you know, thank you to him for all of those great specials.
And, I don't know, he just, just amazing body of work that he did.
And, um, I felt he deserved more of a send-off than he got.
Um, all right.
So, with that, um, I don't know if my Bruins won today.
I watched the first period, but my kids were screaming at me.
My son wanted to watch.
He's like, garbage truck, garbage truck, da-da, garbage truck.
And, you know, what's funny is the video that I watch
has like this fucking garage band like sort of speed metal like you know late
80s early 90s
it goes like it goes my son starts like when he comes on he starts like banging
his head to it
um and it's really kind of the perfect um music you know playing metal music as
this big
metal truck comes up the street
so we were watching that shit and then my daughter likes watching fucking super
mario where they're
like you're watching i don't know who's playing the video game i don't
understand what's going on but
she sits there rooting for super mario and i root for luigi
so i basically i saw the first period
or i want to say was it was it two to one yeah it was two to one
vancouver got the first but i watched the whole buffalo game
and jesus christ i mean it looked like it looked like a friendly both buffalo
and the bruins came
and i don't think i saw a check for the first two fucking periods they were
just skating around
and uh i'm like of course i finally have time to watch it they're like 12 and 2
or whatever
or 11 and 2 or something i'm finally gonna get a chance to watch the whole game
hang with my father-in-law he's in town so we wanted to watch the game
and um i gotta watch they're gonna fucking lose it so it was one to nothing
towards the end of the
second period i said to my father-in-law i said whoever scores next is gonna
win this game this is one of these
games buffalo scores next the bruins are just gonna stay asleep this whole
fucking game
if the bruins score next they're gonna fucking wake up and they're gonna put
these guys to bed
and that's what happened bergeron scored and then they went into the third
period carried the thing
carried the momentum but what kept us in the game was this kid keith kincaid
which i think is our
third string goalie keith ruben kincaid stood on his fucking head for three
periods incredible goddamn
saves we ended up winning uh three to one um i don't know dude we're uh moving
along here
we're crushing it it's only november so you know i'm just hoping we stay
healthy and i don't i don't
know how you keep this pace up but it's been fucking awesome to uh to be
reading about hearing about and
actually sitting down watching a little bit but here here's where i start to
bitch i'll bitch quietly
the kids are asleep down the hall here um once again guys let's talk the
prevent defense
one of the wildest football games i've seen in a long time all right the tampa
bay buccaneers
versus seattle seahawks don't fuck with you the bills versus the vikings
the bills versus the vikings okay so i'm watching the bills game
and you know vikings score first go up seven to nothing and then it was just
all bills
right up until the half okay and there was just something about in the third
fucking quarter
i because i picked the bills to win it all and i was saying like you know i don't
know what it is
about buffalo man they just they seem beatable it doesn't make any sense but
they do they got all
they got major fucking talent at all the fucking you know sexy positions right
the ones that you know
get all the fucking looks on sports center but there's something about them in
november they just
still feel a little loose i don't know what it is and they're fucking letting
the goddamn vikings hang
around and they're doing dumb shit like going for it on fourth and goal in like
the third quarter
and shit it's like kick the fucking field goal take the points take the fucking
points you're letting
these guys fucking hang around they never talk about that shit and i don't get
these coaches they got
all the fucking balls in the world for the first fucking 58 minutes of the game
going for it on
fourth and down fourth and fucking whatever in the first fucking quarter then
the end of the game
they fucking i don't know what they get neutered sorry i'm gonna lose my
fucking voice on this one
so basically what happens is the vikings are down
what the hell was 27
23
they're all the way down on the fucking one yard line
they go for it on fourth down they don't get it
but there's a penalty
offsides the guy almost timed the snap perfectly
on the bills he got a great jump just a half a second too early
so then they they fucking
they get another one so it's like okay obviously now they're gonna fucking
score
um
they hand it off 