Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning 11-17-22
Uploaded: 2022-11-18T20:14:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning 11-17-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning 11-17-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-18. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning  11-17-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
What's going on? How are you? I'm just checking in on you and all that bullshit.
I think I'm finally getting over this fucking whatever the hell I had.
I think I had a touch of Ebola. You know what I mean?
We just do like a wheat juice shot of fucking wheat juice.
I think I had a little fucking Ebola in there, man.
Stupid. I'm the worst when I get sick. I just keep, you know, plowing ahead
like an asshole.
My wife just sits there going like, you need to lay down.
You need to lay down. You need to take this and just lay down.
And then it like bothers me because she's telling me what to do.
Right? So then that stupid part of my brain that doesn't want to listen to
people when they tell me what to do,
even if they're giving me good information, causes me to be like, yeah, I'm
fine.
I'm fucking fine.
I can tell you this right now, man.
Don't ever have turmeric in your life and then go commit a crime because you're
going to leave a fucking trail.
I mean, that shit just, it ended up on my, I had it down in the kitchen.
It ended up on my bathroom towel.
I went on the internet and I got one of those stupid fucking, you know, recipes.
Take some garlic and some lemon and some turmeric and some fucking honey.
It's got to be all natural, honey.
Make this concoction and ginger and boil it all up and all of this shit, you
know.
Oh, no, I didn't do the turmeric one.
I did the one with the orange.
And then, see how it worked?
Then somebody else made the turmeric one.
And I said, how the fuck did I, well, I know what happened.
I spilt a little on the floor and I just took, I was in the bathroom because I
went upstairs to drink it.
And then I put it on my towel and it was like, look, my towel was glowing.
I'm like, what is that?
It looks like I got like a highlighters on it.
I found out it's turmeric, which evidently is really good for your liver.
Especially after you did like five nights in a row of NyQuil,
which is like taking, you know, George Foreman body shots without blocking them,
I guess, to your liver for like five nights in a row.
So, I don't know.
I don't know what the hell this thing is, but I think I'm finally past it.
Anyway, it's nice to sort of be back.
I go on the road tomorrow, right?
Or today when this thing's coming out, right?
Oh, my goodness.
I go to Jacksonville, Florida, right?
Most people, when they go to Florida, they go to Miami or they go to Tampa.
Not me.
I go in feet first.
If I'm going to Florida, I'm going to Florida, all right?
I'm going to go to the part of Florida that scares most people that live in my
city.
I'm going to go to Jacksonville, Florida.
It should be an easy show now that Trump is, you know, starting back up again.
Oh, my God.
That fucking asshole's coming back.
That means Joe Biden's going to win again.
Jesus, can we get away from these two fucking people?
This is like, the two of them are like when Freddy Krueger and fucking, you
know, Jason started making, didn't they do that?
Freddy versus Jason.
And you did one of those movies, you're like, who the fuck am I supposed to be
rooting for here?
Anyway.
So, I'll be dealing.
So, anyway, they will be in a good mood.
So, that's good.
And then, you know, who doesn't want to be in Florida this time of year?
What East Coaster doesn't want to be in Florida in, like, November?
You know?
Starting to get cold up north.
Oh, wait.
I live in Los Angeles.
You know what?
I don't.
I don't.
Because I'm already living in that weather.
Actually, you know what I do like about living in L.A. is going to Florida,
like Jacksonville, it's a straight shot.
You literally just get in the airplane and he gets over the 10 and he follows
it from LAX in Santa Monica and follows it all the way to Jacksonville.
Do you realize that?
How long that goddamn street is?
Or a highway?
I mean, that is fucking insane that people did that.
That they all got together, you know?
I'm sure Native Americans had something to do with it or, you know, black
people that didn't get credit.
I have no idea.
At some point, they'll make the true Hollywood story about whoever built the
fucking 10 freeway.
Anyways, but how about the Bruins and the Celtics?
All right?
It is football and basketball season and who has the hottest fucking arena in
the league?
That would be the TDF Bank North Garden Illuminati Bilderberg Center where the
two of them play.
Bruins, 14-2, baby.
Rapidly approaching their greatest start ever from 1930-whatever.
I heard, what's his face, Jack Edwards say it the other night.
It was 1930-something.
We started off at 19-2.
We are 14-2.
Celtics have pretty much a similar record, which is great with the fiasco that
happened with our coach who's now suspended.
It's great to see that we can just fucking hit the ground running and lift the
two Js and everybody's just moving right along.
It's fucking fantastic, you know, and not like these other states and cities
that need like 52 fucking teams in each goddamn sport.
Couple, two, three here, two over here, one over here.
We got four.
One in each sport and they all fucking win.
It's fantastic.
It's fantastic.
One starts losing, the other guys pick it up.
It's been an amazing run.
So, I was thinking, you know, I don't think anybody's ever won a Stanley Cup
and an NBA championship in the same year, in the same building.
I know they've gone to the finals because the Bruins and the Celtics, Celtics
were in the NBA finals and the Bruins were in the Stanley Cup final.
Or is it the other way around?
I always forget.
In like the late 80s.
It was into June and it was so hot in the building because the old Boston
Garden did not have air conditioning.
And I remember the ice was all slushy on purpose because we were trying to slow
down the Edmonton Oilers.
There was literally like fog.
It was a marine layer over the, there was so much humidity above the ice that
when the air came within contact of the ice, the air was then cooled to its dew
point, to the dew point, which is when moisture becomes visible.
I still remember that from my private pilot test.
And that's when my uncle, Glenn Wesley, just shot it over the crossbar.
I remember that one.
Then you had that, who was it?
That Reagan, Reagan?
The fuck was our goaltender?
Anyway, they're doing great.
And how about that call I made Monday night?
The commanders, not only did they cover 11 points, they won the fucking game.
And that's good for all those old ass dolphins who want to fucking celebrate
like, you know, nobody's broken their fucking record yet, which is the stupidest
thing ever.
You know, it's like nobody ever is because just to tie their record now gets
you out of the regular season.
I think it's one of the sillier fucking things out there.
But, you know, if that helps those old guys out, I guess that's all right.
But I was rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles to do it.
I'm rooting for somebody to do it.
But then I think that then what they're going to do for the rest of their lives
is now that's the tradition, is that you got to like hate on the younger
players or whatever, whatever the fuck that is.
That would be like me being an old comedian, you know.
And if you had like the most successful stand-up special of all time, you know,
every time a comedian put out a special and it wasn't more successful than
yours, you'd like drink a little bit of champagne.
Sorry, I'm still on a lot of fucking cold medication right now.
I golfed on Monday.
I had a great time with Andrew and Peter from, was it Louder, that clothing
line?
I had a fucking blast with them.
It was just fun watching them play.
They were so goddamn good.
And then there was another guy, Tommy Irons.
We were calling him.
Because once he switched from his clubs to his irons, he started smashing the
fucking ball off the tee.
Had his own winery, you know.
And I get golf.
You meet all these fucking interesting people and what they do for a living is
really interesting.
And then you walk around and just give each other shit.
Joke around and all of that stuff and break balls.
I don't know where the carving up the United States happened, but it definitely
does not happen out on the golf course, at least as far as my experience.
And listen to this.
Oh, Billy Freckles was out there.
I played terrible, even for me.
Like, I forgot how I had, you know, mastered my own little Charles Barkley
swing.
But someone was nice enough to take a slow-mo video of it.
And oh my God, it is a thing of ugly, you know.
It's sort of a smoothed-out Charles Barkley, but at least Barkley goes all the
way back.
But I don't stop at any point.
Anyway.
Played 18 fucking holes.
I got through 15 and then I had to leave because I had some shit to do with the
movie.
But I had a fucking blast and we were playing out in Camarillo and we were
right near the airport.
I've flown out there, had lunch out there a million times, flying out there.
And it was really cool to see the airport, you know, from that golf course.
I've been always flying over it to be on the hill and looking down at it and
shit.
And a great bunch of people.
Comedy Gives Back is the name of the charity.
But anyway, I had to take off fucking early.
But I got to be honest with you again.
Like, I just, I don't know if I got it in me.
I can do nine holes.
18 holes is just like, I don't know, you feel like you're on jury duty, you
know.
I will say I was amazed, though, at how well those two guys from Louder
were just fucking crushing the ball.
I mean, just straight.
A mile.
Anytime they wanted to.
You know, I felt like I was watching ESPN highlights.
It was fucking awesome.
So anyway, I'm getting geared up here to do some shows.
Got to make sure I fucking rest the voice there.
I have no idea what's going on in the world, so this should be fucking
interesting.
Still haven't smoked any cigars, no soda, no weed.
My coffee is off the fucking rails.
I mean, you got to do something, right?
You know, usually I would be going to the gym, but I've just been doing this
all fucking week.
You know what's funny?
I borrowed my wife's car, and she had on a playlist.
She had this artist, Bia Bia.
Bia Bia.
And I started listening to it, and the drum tracks were really cool, and she
was like fucking hilarious.
Then I found out she was from Massachusetts, and I downloaded the album, and I
fucking loved it.
I've been listening to that, like, nonstop.
It's kind of funny.
Like, some of the funniest women out there are, like, rappers.
You know, Bia Bia Bia.
Is that how you say it?
Cardi B, Megan Thee Stallion.
You know?
My wife listens to all that in the car.
I was just listening to their stuff, and I was fucking cracking up.
And the drums are great, too.
You know?
It's all this weird shit that a human being wouldn't think to do, I feel.
And I also feel it's a Cardi B song for drummers out there.
Download that one, Money.
And it's got these hits, right?
In the beginning, just on piano, with a little bass drum underneath it.
It's on the one.
Next bar, it's on the two.
And then it's on the one.
And it's fun to, like, solo.
Try to solo.
I mean, I can't do that.
But, like, in between those, and then coming out on those hits.
Is, uh, I don't know.
I find that a little more fun than listening to a fucking metronome.
So, anyway.
Let me do a little bit of the fucking reads here.
Jesus Christ.
Here's another phone call.
Hang on a second.
All right.
I'm back.
I'm back.
Had to take a quick phone call there.
Um, anyway.
Oh, you know what I did last night?
I watched a fucking highlight reel of Dick Butt Kiss.
Holy shit.
What a fucking joy that was to watch.
Um, talk about a guy who could play in any era.
Um, I haven't, I haven't watched a Dick Butt Kiss highlight reel in a long time.
And it was just fucking, it just took me back to when I was a kid.
There was something about those highlights from the 60s and the color and that
NFL film is just like, and then also it's right 