Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-22
Uploaded: 2022-11-25T18:45:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-25. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-24-22

Ah, ouais.
Bon après-midi, tout le monde.
Je m'appelle Guillaume.
Malheureusement, mon employeur de bouton est très chargé hier et cette
semaine.
Mais mon weekend est magnifique, monsieur.
What's going on?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Um...
I am fucking...
I can't shake this goddamn cough.
You know?
It's not COVID.
It's not Ebola.
It's not AIDS.
It's all three.
Um...
Um, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Happy Thanksgiving, tout le monde.
Happy Thanksgiving, tout le monde.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Sorry to the Indians.
Oh, if you like the casinos.
Uh, it's a weird holiday, right?
You know?
Big meal wrapped in genocide.
Um...
How do we grow corn?
Thank you.
Here's some blankets.
Um, yes.
There's a dark history to this country.
No pun intended.
Uh...
Oh, Jesus.
Sorry, I've been mining the last few weeks.
Um...
My cough's actually gotten better, believe it or not.
It's just I have to keep talking.
That's the problem.
I screamed my fucking act this weekend.
See, this is basically it.
When you don't know how to write a joke,
you have to scream the jokes.
D'accord?
And you have to fucking...
You know.
You gotta throw a lot of fucks in there.
The PEDs of joke writing.
Um...
Yeah, that's basically it.
And I had an amazing weekend.
Um...
I worked in, uh...
Jacksonville, Florida.
Which I didn't know was named after Andrew Jackson.
They called it Jacksonville.
Isn't that nice?
You know, did anybody name something after Lincoln called Lincolnville?
I don't think they did.
Jacksonville.
I like that.
Burrville.
That doesn't sound good.
Um...
Anyway.
I had a great time there.
Um...
I worked with Joe Bartnick and Forrest Shaw.
They fucking murdered all weekend.
And when we were, uh...
In Jacksonville.
We were driving down to Orlando the next day.
And, uh...
I was thinking about Bob Saget a lot.
Still can't fucking believe he's gone.
Um...
But, when we were going to leave, getting ready to leave the hotel.
Um...
There was this, uh...
Battleship from the Korean conflict.
Never was called a war.
And, uh...
I gotta be honest with you.
The size of that battleship that looked like a conflict.
It wasn't a big one.
Sort of a mid-size.
You know?
Like, if the Mercury Monarch was turned into a battleship.
That's like the size of it.
Um...
I think that guy from Amazon.
I think his fucking lifeboats are bigger than this fucking battleship.
Probably on his yacht.
Um...
Um...
Anyway.
So, we were getting ready to go.
And, um...
Forrest goes, "Dude, you gotta see this man."
He goes, "There's a couple of fucking homeless alcoholics with a karaoke
machine.
And, like, you gotta fucking see this shit."
I don't know if they were homeless.
I don't know if they were homeless.
I don't know what they were doing.
But, they were fucking boozing.
And, it was nine in the morning.
And, the white dude was singing Depeche Mode.
It was like every fucking reason you do the road.
Or travel.
And, he was crushing it.
And, he was just going,
"All I ever wanted.
All I ever needed is love."
And, he was fucking destroying.
And, then, his buddy, the black dude, was dancing.
And, he was drinking.
They were both drinking.
And, I was just sitting there with Forrest.
And, he was just going like, "I've been watching them for 15 minutes.
And, like, just thinking about my life.
If I'm actually truly enjoying it the way these two guys are."
I mean, they were having a fucking...
Like, they were having a blast.
They were having so much fun.
I just had an ear-to-ear grin.
I just, I didn't even participate.
I actually, it made my day to watch two human beings having that level of fun.
And, you know, whenever they do these exposés on alcoholics that end up out on
the street.
They never show the ones like this.
You know, in a nice warm climate.
And, with a karaoke machine.
It was kind of like, it was mind-blowing.
Because, it was, you know, these skyscrapers around there.
And, people working in there in powerful positions.
And, they got the fucking, you know, their suits on.
And, making all of this fucking money.
And, doing all of this shit.
And, with all of this stress.
And, these two characters right outside the place.
Were fucking...
They weren't hammered.
They had a nice glow going.
And, they were singing Depeche Mode.
And, I don't know.
It's just like...
Whatever they were doing wasn't wrong.
It made me and Forrest so happy to watch them.
Um...
Anyway.
That was Jacksonville.
The show was awesome.
Um...
You know, it's been a minute since I've been to Jacksonville.
And, then the next day we went down to Orlando.
And, all sort of ran together.
You know what was cool is I liked that, you know, we landed in Jacksonville.
And, then just drove...
You know, the whole weekend.
So, I went from Jacksonville to Orlando.
Down to Sarasota, Florida.
Which, um...
Is always cool.
Because, uh...
On my mother's side.
Way back in the day.
In the 40's and 50's.
When my mom was a little girl.
They used to go down there for the summers.
And, my grandfather was afraid to fly.
So, they would drive...
All the way down there.
I mean, I don't even know what kind of highway system there was.
And, they would, you know, hit spots on the way down there to eat and shit.
And, I think I told this story before.
There was one day...
My mother went to a show in either Fort Myers or Sarasota in July of 1955.
And, at 3:30 in the afternoon, she saw a matinee show with a guy named Elvis
Presley.
And, like, two months later, he did the Ed Sullivan show and became, like, the
biggest thing ever.
But, she saw him when he was doing five shows a day.
She saw him before he hit.
And, like, a half-filled theater at, like, 3:30 in the fucking afternoon.
How fucking cool was that?
That's...
That's...
That's my mother's first concert.
You know?
Mine is Doc and Judas Priest on the "Field for Life" tour.
That's, um...
You know?
Not as cool.
You know, it's funny.
It was almost 30 years later, 1986.
I can't remember if it was Worcester Centrum or the Providence Civic Center.
But, uh...
God, I wish I kept those fucking ticket stubs.
They gotta be somewhere.
I know I never threw 'em out, but...
Fucking saw...
I saw everybody in those two buildings.
I saw Dice Clay in the Worcester Centrum.
I saw AC/DC in the Boston Garden.
I saw Cinderella in the Boston Garden opening on that tour.
What else did I see?
I saw fucking Def Leppard.
I saw fucking Tesla.
Loudness, I remember.
I think opened for AC/DC on the Who Made Who tour.
A long fucking time ago.
Um...
Anyways, I apologize for no, uh, podcast on Monday.
I'm trying to get over this fucking cough.
I know what you're thinking, Bill.
Have you seen a doctor?
Of course I haven't.
I'm German-Irish.
We don't go to doctors.
We start world wars.
Um...
Yeah, you wouldn't know this.
I haven't had a cigar in like a month.
It's funny how I stopped smoking cigars and then all of a sudden...
This shit happened.
Um...
Oh, God.
I think my son just woke up.
He's the best.
Both of my kids.
You know, it's great because I'm home until like the second week of December
and all I'm doing is hanging out with them.
And, uh...
That fucking garbage truck video.
I got this whole thing now with my son.
Where is...
Is there a show when the garbage truck shows up?
He waves hello.
Or we go bonjour.
And then...
Then I always go to him.
I go, wait, wait, wait.
And I put my hand across his body.
Acting all dramatic.
Like you're waiting for the garbage truck to leave.
And then when it leaves, you go, bye-bye, au revoir.
And, uh...
He thinks it's the funniest thing ever.
And when it comes up, I go, wait, wait, wait, wait.
So now he does it to me.
He grabs his little hands.
He grabs two fistfuls over my sweatshirt.
He goes, wait, wait, wait.
And I'm like, au revoir.
Um, just added a whole new level...
Um, to that video.
Um...
Having a great time.
And then, uh...
My daughter's like turned out to be like the little artist, you know?
Drawing and writing and all of that.
It's amazing.
So, um...
And they also...
Both of them beat the shit out of my drums.
You know?
Hit drums like a kid.
Like, not even afraid.
Not afraid to make noise.
Just fucking swinging the stick from behind the head.
It's fucking awesome.
So...
And then I got a bunch of shit done around my house.
You know, I got a new garage door opener.
I got the lights.
They're like timed now.
I had two huge holes, three holes in the ceiling.
Got those patched up and blasted.
Before the fucking rats came around.
Right?
Got the snake...
The fucking snake...
The fucking, uh...
Sink snaked out.
Hung up a couple of pictures.
Fucking ready to go.
I got six more dates left...
On this tour that started way back in April.
Very excited.
Got some fun cities coming up.
Um...
What am I gonna be?
I know I got Boise, Idaho.
I think I'm in Colorado Springs where that horrible fucking shooting happened.
Jesus Christ.
The fuck is wrong with people?
I love how somebody goes into a club full of unarmed people and they're wearing
all this bulletproof shit.
I mean, just the ultimate cowardly fucking act.
Um...
I swear to God.
Religion and prejudice.
Unreal.
Unreal the results of that.
Um...
So I think I'll be there.
I'm gonna be in, uh...
Utah.
Which I haven't been there in for fucking ever.
To do a show anyway.
Um...
I kinda like how Utah just does their own fucking thing.
It's kinda got like their own little...
Everybody out there's got like 13 wives or some shit.
You know, it's funny.
I don't even know if that's true.
I've been out there...
I haven't been there a while, but...
Since I've been going out there, I don't think I ever met anybody that had more
than one wife.
You know?
How does that work out there, Utah?
Uh...
When you come out to the comedy show, like...
Do you have like a lottery?
With your wives to see who gets to go?
That's fucking hilarious.
Alright, well...
I got two tickets to the comedy show.
Alright, we all know that I'm going.
So...
Since all you ladies like Survivor so much, I figured we would have a contest
to see who could get immunity.
And whoever gets voted out doesn't get to go to the comedy.
You have like your own little fucking reality TV show.
Um...
Speaking...
Of reality...
Not reality...
Of TV shows...
I've been watching that show, uh...
Second season.
I didn't see the first season.
I gotta see the first season.
But I'm watching the second season of, uh...
White Lotus with my wife.
I'm having a great time watching that.
And I'm trying to guess what's gonna happen next.
And you know what I do?
You know what I love?
I love that you gotta wait.
You know?
And you know what I don't love?
Is that there's people waiting for the whole thing to come out.
So they can just binge it.
You know?
You just think, like, the level of writing and the beautiful way it's shot.
And all the fucking great acting on it and everything.
That somebody's just gonna binge it.
Like, shotgunning it.
You know?
Cut a big hole in it and just fucking suck it all down.
Um...
It's like people watch TV shows now.
Like, they watch TV series the way, like, fat people eat.
It's like gluttonous.
I remember a long time ago...
I had a really small part on this great show called Breaking Bad.
I'm sure you've heard of it.
And there was a friend of mine.
I asked him, I go, dude, you watching this show?
The show's amazing.
He's like...
He's like, no, dude.
He goes, I'm gonna wait till it's done, then I'm gonna binge it.
And I just remember feeling like, like, why would you do that?
You know what I mean?
That's like if you got, like, a fucking...
I don't even know what.
I'm trying to think of something else like that.
I don't know.
A bottle of wine.
This wine's 200 years old and you just fucking...
Delicious.
Now what can I drink?
Um...
Yeah, look.
I'm just being a fucking curmudgeon.
Every week I bitch about something.
If it's not to prevent defense, it's the way people watch television shows.
I mean, who am I, right?
I'm just a man slowly dying of whatever this fucking cough is.
Who the fuck am I to tell you how to watch a TV show?
Um...
I like telling you what to do.
It makes me feel y