Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-22
Uploaded: 2022-12-02T00:44:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-02. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-1-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And I'm just checking in on you. Just seeing how you're doing. I'm not going to
yell, because if I do, this never-ending fucking cough, man.
I saw a doctor. I'm on an antibiotic. I got tested for COVID.
It's just one of those things, you're going to have to ride it out. You're just
going to have to ride it out.
Oh, Billy football. Oh, Billy World Cup. I actually watched the USA versus Iran.
I watched the whole fucking, well, I missed the first 10 minutes. I taped it. I
watched it.
You know what's great about taping World Cup games in America?
You don't have to worry about any of your friends ruining the results.
Nobody knows they're happening.
So I watched this game, and the USA is just dominating the entire first half.
It looks like Iran shouldn't even be out there. They can't even touch the ball.
We played the whole fucking first half in their end.
And then finally, we score a goal.
I was getting nervous. I was like, this is like hockey.
We're totally dominating, but we're not putting a biscuit in the basket there.
And then what happens is the other team just fucking gets it and then scores a
goal, and it's super deflating.
So I was worried that that is what was going to happen.
But we finally ended up scoring a goal.
And of course, the guy who scored the goal ended up getting hurt when he scored.
I mean, he laid on the ground like he got hit by a fucking car.
And I don't understand why they don't wear pads in soccer.
You know what I mean?
Or get tougher people to play soccer.
Something's got to fucking give.
Like, why don't you wear some shin guards?
Every fucking time a guy runs down the field, some guy slides in, his foot hits
his shin,
and then the guy rolls around on the ground.
This is what kills me.
Like, it's the first time he ever got kicked in the shin.
Like, at what point do you toughen up and be like, I'm a soccer player.
I'm used to getting kicked in the shin.
All right.
Hey, I ain't saying, I'm not saying, I'm no tough guy.
I don't like getting kicked in the shin either.
But, like, I'm not on fucking TV.
I can tell you this.
If I get kicked in the shin and it really fucking hurt,
I would be doing everything I could to get on my feet as quickly as possible
because I would not want to be rolling around in pain while it's being filmed
on television.
And here's another thing.
You watch the fucking UFC.
These fucking guys kick another fucking man in the shin with their shin.
And they keep fighting.
So, like, either get some fucking pads or toughen the fuck up.
Jesus Christ, with the extra time.
Dude, that guy who scored the goal for fucking, you know, you would have
thought he, like, like a fucking truck hit him.
He was just on the ground and on the ground and nobody could celebrate with him
because he was having his little moment.
Right?
Oh, I kicked the ball on his fucking knee.
Slid into me ribs.
Um...
I will say, though, a lot of times I'm like, what the fuck is that guy rolling
around the ground?
He didn't even get hit.
And then they show it in slow motion.
It's like, oh, yeah, he did.
He did.
But, like, I swear to God, like, their threshold for pain doesn't go up after a
while.
I mean, no offense, rest of the world.
But American football, I mean, guys play with, like, fucking dislocated
shoulders.
You know, everything from turf toe to concussions, they play through it.
I don't understand it.
I really don't.
So, anyway, we go to watch the second half and I'm like, this is, like, we need
to win this game to advance.
You know how funny it would be if the USA actually won the World Cup?
And then they'd have a championship parade that looked like a WNBA championship
parade.
Like, I don't think anybody would, like, watch it until they got into, like,
the final.
And then the whole time would just be asking questions, like, the whole time,
like, going, like.
So, like, why are they still playing?
Oh, because there's extra time.
Extra time for what?
Oh, because that guy was rolling around holding on to his fucking butt cheek
for fucking ten minutes.
Well, how much extra time is there?
Nobody knows.
Only the ref knows.
But when people start whistling, that means they're getting annoyed.
So, anyway, the, uh, I'm just fucking with you guys.
I actually enjoyed watching the game.
But, like, the fucking, the lack of manhood.
I mean, women's soccer's better.
They pop up way quicker.
Oh, wait, did they get shin pads?
Um, anyway, so we go, I go to watch the second half of this fucking, um, match.
And, yeah, it's a tale of two games.
All of a sudden, Iran comes out, and we can't even keep hold of the ball.
And I'm watching the way we're playing.
I'm like, you gotta be fucking shitting me.
We're now playing not to lose.
And I watched 50 minutes, 51 minutes, the whole second half, because of, of
injury time or whatever, watching our team in a fucking prevent defense.
The number one thing I can't fucking stand.
But they actually were playing defense.
They, they started playing to not lose.
And, um, it was so fucking annoying, I almost started rooting for Iran.
You know, I'm like, well, wouldn't it be great if Iran won and then knocked us
out, and then I wouldn't have to watch more of this?
Um, sorry.
Anyway.
So we won.
One to nothing.
And when I tell you, when we won that game, I heard no screams of joy from my
neighbors, nothing.
It was just dead silence on my street.
It just is what it is.
Um, speaking of sports that people don't pay attention to enough in America, uh,
the NHL.
The Boston Bruins are 19-3.
Their best start ever was in the 1930s at 19-2.
We beat the Tampa Bay Lightning, I think, for the second time this year.
And they absolutely have owned us.
You know, for, I feel, the better part of a goddamn, like, six, seven seasons.
So I'm trying not to get too excited.
I mean, it's not even December.
But, uh, they're playing great.
And, and Alexander Ovech can just pass Wayne Gretzky for most goals on the road.
I mean, it's insane how he just sort of quietly has snuck up on Wayne Gretzky.
And during this era, too, you know, with the giant goalie pads and everybody in
the butterfly and the left wing lock and all of that shit.
That it looks like if he stays healthy, he's gonna, he's gonna pass Wayne Gretzky.
Which never in a million years seemed possible.
I think for all-time goals.
I don't know about assists.
I mean, Gretzky has almost 2,000 assists.
I don't think, uh, Ovechkin has that.
So, anyway, I'm in, I've been in a grouchy mood for a few weeks because, um,
you know, your health is everything.
Um, so, anyway, I'm dropping my daughter off at school today.
And, uh, as I'm driving down the street, I see, like, 40 fuckin' douchebags out
in front of this coffee shop or something.
All with their, their, you know, Tour de France gear on.
And I just looked at him and I was like, oh, God, the douchebags are out, right?
I mean, do you realize, like, the level of fuckin' asshole you have to be if
you do that?
First of all, if you can't just, you know, buy a bicycle and put on some fuckin'
Rocky Balboa gray sweatshirt, gray sweatpants, and just get on the fuckin' bike.
Like, the fact that you gotta go out and buy that stupid fuckin' outfit with
those goddamn dance slippers.
Do you really have to clip your feet in to ride around a neighborhood?
Um, I mean, you can do this and everything.
Do you really have to go to an NFL game, you know, wearing an official jersey
with fuckin' shit under your eyes?
Like, you're gonna fuckin' start catching punts on special teams?
You know, oh, Billy, grandpa, grumpy, freckled cunt is in full effect today!
So I'm lookin' at them and I'm just thinking, like, just, like, you know,
if ever, like, a rogue wave could just come along and sweep 40 people out into
the ocean that you never saw again,
wouldn't that be great?
I mean, that would just, just 40 for 40.
You're talkin' like, only Joe DiMaggio, 56-game hitting streak.
It was the only thing Mother Nature could fuck with if she just had a rogue
wave come inland
and just wash a group of 40 cyclists out into the ocean with their bikes and
their stupid outfits.
Wouldn't that be just tremendous?
Do you realize the level of cunt you have to be that you don't feel like,
you can't really feel like you're getting a workout unless you inconvenience a
thousand strangers?
You know what I mean?
Like, I just don't understand, like, there is, I like riding a bike.
Sure, we all do.
There is no fuckin' way I would ever ride a bike out in the street with 40 of
my friends
knowing that everyone in a car is absolutely fuckin' livid
because we've created our own fuckin' traffic jam
in the city of Los Angeles that is beyond congested to begin with.
But these people have no problem with it.
Like, I'm tellin' you,
if any of them put that in their dating profile,
what is it, swipe left?
Is that what you guys say?
You can't fuckin' date that.
Here's another one.
Ah, jeez, I'm on a roll here.
I'm comin' back.
Right?
I'm comin' back!
I'm comin' back.
I'm comin' back from dropping my daughter off from school.
And I come up over the hill, and lo and behold, there's this jogger sprinting
in the street, coming right at me, like a third of the way.
We're, like, playing chicken.
And I'm like, I'm not fuckin' moving.
There's this sidewalk.
You fuckin' cunt, right?
At the last second, he sort of runs on the end.
I don't know what the fuck he was doin'.
He looked like he was on the NFL Combine.
It's another group of people.
Oh, if I was a dictator.
Why?
Let me, why don't I just ask instead of being a douche?
Joggers, why don't you run on the sidewalk?
Huh?
Well, I don't want to be inconvenienced.
It's an uneven surface, and there's women pushing their babies down the foot.
Then join a fuckin' gym!
You gotta run out the fuckin' street?
Now I have to stop and wait, you know, to, the fuckin' other lane is clear?
Fuckin' unbelievable.
There's literally miles of fuckin' hard surface that you can jog on
down the fuckin' L.A. River.
It's why they have it, and these fuckin' cunts
run right down the street, the third of the way out,
so you have to slow down, you know, make sure nobody's coming
on the other side of the street and make sure nobody's passing.
These fuckin' cunts, dude.
I'm telling you right now, and this is what kills me,
is that some woman is gonna fall in love with that guy
and have kids with him.
And then she's gonna have the fuckin' nerve to sit there
and talk about how he's distant, how he's fuckin' selfish,
and he's not involved with their children.
And all of her friends are gonna sit there and be like,
oh, Maggie, I feel so bad for you.
If only there was a sign.
There was a sign, Maggie.
He runs in the fuckin' street against traffic.
Sorry.
All right.
So anyway,
this is a, uh,
this is the end of the month here.
Old Billy Freckles.
Old Billy Bulljangles.
The end of the month, um,
and this is my new thing.
So,
I'm actually starting today.
Cause why not?
And I might actually go 15 days.
But my new thing is,
the first 10 days
of every month,
um,
I sorta like detox from,
uh,
whatever has a hold of me.
And right now,
nothing has a hold of me
except,
uh,
I think maybe coffee does.
I just like drinking coffee
cause it makes me not smoke cigars.
So,
I haven't had a cigar since October.
Really have no desire to have one.
I haven't had any soda since.
Cause you know what?
I,
I stopped the end of October
and then went the first 10 days in November.
And then I didn't want one.
And I was also thinking,
you know,
I got all this root beer and shit downstairs
and I'm just like,
I don't want to drink that shit.
Like I,
cause it's,
it's not,
you know,
I don't have any sugar in me.
So that's when you look at a cake
with your rational brain,
you know,
or a cookie going like,
why the fuck would I eat that?
And you know,
what's amazing is when you don't have sugar
for like 10 days,
the second you have something
that has a