Name: Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-22
Uploaded: 2022-12-26T19:49:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-26. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 12-26-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, December 26th, 2022.
Oh, it's the last Monday of 2022.
Yeah, so I've been coughing, if you guys have noticed, for like, what, the last
six weeks?
As I finished up my tour and my, uh, in the movie, and, um, what the fuck? I
haven't been coughing all morning.
I finally went to the dark. I had family come to town. Hey, the family back
east. I had the family coming to town.
So, uh, and my wife was finally like, why don't you go to Urgent Care and just
fucking find out what it is?
You know, she didn't say it like that, but that's the way I heard it in my head.
Why don't you go to fucking Urgent Care? I was just like, all right.
I said, because I'm not going to fucking sit in a hospital for like three
goddamn hours while, while my family back east is out here, right?
I'll go tomorrow after everybody leaves. So she, she says, okay.
So we go over there and, um, fuck. We go over there. Get some water here. And
they do all the shit, right?
They asked me all the questions and then they took a, uh, chest x-ray and, uh,
they go, looks good. It looks clear.
I said, okay, good. So they gave me some medicine and all that shit. I get it.
And then later on that night, somebody else looked at the x-ray and went, Jesus
Christ, you red cunt.
You got pneumonia. So that's what happens when you fucking work too much and
don't go to the doctor.
You end up getting pneumonia. So it's a low level. You know, I'm taking the
drugs. I'm really good with the drugs.
Like, I got a lot of pills here. I got an inhaler, right?
I'm going to do a cycle of fucking HGH and steroids, put on some mass, maybe do
a little Botox.
This is Hollywood pneumonia treatment, by the way.
Um, get some hair plugs. You know what I mean?
Just come back. Celebrities, how do they bounce back from pneumonia so fast?
According to Bill Burry, did it all naturally.
Tipping the scales at 210 pounds of solid muscle.
It's really hilarious how fucking jacked you have to be now to be an action
star, man.
I mean, it's insane. You just, back in the day, you just had to look like you
could fuck somebody up.
You know? But I also think back in the day, a lot of those guys fought in World
War II and Korea,
and they had actually, like, legitimately killed people.
You know? A lot of the guys, like, I remember, like, Lee Marvin
was, like, one of two people that survived in his platoon.
So, like, when that guy had a gun in his hand and fucking gave you the look,
I mean, he didn't have to be all fucking roided up
to make you believe that he could fuck somebody up,
because, you know, this guy had bodies.
So, um, I was watching, um, oh, geez.
Oh, geez.
My son's freaking out.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Doing the podcast in the house, as you can see.
Oh, I gotta check on you on this.
All right, I'm back.
Older, wiser BB.
I almost gave my wife shit being like,
hey, honey, I'm trying to do a podcast here in the house.
Why is our toddler acting like a toddler?
You know?
Stopped myself, and I said,
Bill, why don't you go out to the garage?
You know, sit next to your drums and finish this fucking thing.
So, um, so anyway, um, yeah,
turns out I had fucking pneumonia and, uh, low level, low level.
Everybody relax.
You know?
The band's not playing on here.
Um, I'll be all right.
So, uh, yeah, that's the deal.
I'll tell you, underrated, underrated, low level pneumonia.
Gives you the excuse to fucking lay around in a bed
and nobody can give you shit.
God knows your wife's still gonna ask you to do shit.
You know?
She was still asking me to do shit,
and I just kept looking at her going,
I have pneumonia.
And I'd just stare at her.
As I'd smile and get up to go do whatever the fuck she wanted, you know?
It's hilarious.
You know, my whole stand-up career,
I've always heard, like, uh, female comics have always been doing these bits
talking about what babies guys are when they get sick.
Oh, my God.
They're such fucking babies.
And I remember hearing that, you know,
fucking German-Irish guy.
I was like, I'm not gonna be a baby when I get fucking sick.
You ain't gonna fucking do those jokes about me, woman!
Right?
Um, so, um, now, now that I've gotten pneumonia,
and my wife is still having me move the kids' table from downstairs
up the flight of fucking stairs, you know,
it was funny, like, I, I, when the guy came back and said,
you have pneumonia, my wife's like, see, I fucking told you,
I told you, I knew there was something more going on.
So she gets to do the dude I call it, called it,
like, I knew you had fucking pneumonia or something,
and then continues to give me the, uh, the honey, the honey-do list.
It's like, what the, I got fucking pneumonia?
When, when do I get a day off from this shit?
Unbelievable.
Un-fucking-believable.
So now I'm looking at that thing,
because when I heard the ladies going,
guys are such fucking babies when they get sick,
I would, I took that as fact.
Like, oh, I guess we're a bunch of pussies.
I should fucking not be a pussy when I get sick.
And now there's another side of it,
where I'm still thinking guys might be babies when they get sick,
but there's another side, too, where I think women,
they, they, they don't like when you get sick,
because now they can't just fucking order you around to do shit.
You know, like, if they have to go get you,
God forbid, a couple of fucking Alka-Seltzer over there.
You know what it is with these broads?
Oh, come on, Bill.
It's the day after Christmas.
I don't give a fuck.
This is what it is with these broads.
Some of them, not all of them.
Not the sweethearts.
The fucking, the ones, you know, you know that broad.
One of your buddies from your fucking crew married her.
All right?
No matter how big, how small your crew is,
I don't know how this works out,
but like one of them at some point in their life
is going to marry a cunt.
And it is what it is.
And if you're sitting there going like,
well, no one in my crew married a cunt,
that's because you married the cunt.
Here's some signs.
Here's some signs to know if you're the one that married the cunt.
Do your friends sort of avoid eye contact with you
when she's around?
Do they have a sad look on their face
as though they're remembering an easier time?
Anyway, so I think like there's a certain segment of guys
that are pussies when they're sick.
Fucking babies, right?
I will attest to that, right?
If I use that word.
I mean, I will agree to that is what I'm trying to say.
I just said I will attest to that
because I heard other human beings say
I will attest to that in a similar social situation,
but I have no idea what it means.
I will look it up.
Actually, I won't.
I will just say that I will.
But I think there's also another group of women
who are just selfish.
And I know you're not supposed to say that
because they're women and they're brave
and they're heroes
and they're fucking the reason why
there wouldn't be war
if they were running shit
or whatever it says
in their fucking bullshit pamphlet.
You know?
There's more lies in the woman's pamphlet
than a fucking community college pamphlet.
You know?
Back in the day when I used to do stand-up at colleges,
these fucking piece of shit community colleges
could always figure out
how to be number one in something.
We have the greatest asphalt of any parking lot
with people with a lower than a 1.7 grade point average
in the 798 area code southwest
of my desk over to that wall.
Yeah, there's just some women out there
that they're just the star of the show.
Okay?
They're not paying for nothing.
They hold the door.
The husband gets shit for them
and they're just running the deal.
And when they get a husband,
they don't look at him as much as a life partner
as they now have a sort of a
a free personal assistant
slash butler
slash repairman.
And when that dude goes down,
the woman, like,
turns into, like, Bill Parcells
or an old school head football coach.
And it's,
she just has one question
while you're sick.
Can you go?
You know?
And you only have one answer.
Yes, I can.
Put me in, coach.
What do you need me to do?
Where am I going?
Huh?
Am I picking up dry cleaning?
Am I going over to the fucking
goddamn Home Depot
to get some fucking nativity shit?
What am I doing?
Yeah.
My wife had a Christmas dinner
that was amazing.
It was all set up.
And she had in her head
what I needed to do
to help out
come hell or pneumonia.
She didn't give a fuck.
So, you know,
every time I went to sit down,
she'd be like,
oh, honey, can you do me?
Can you put the star on the tree?
It's like,
you can't get up
on a fucking step ladder
and do that.
I have pneumonia.
I just kept saying.
I just kept going.
I have pneumonia.
That's what I said.
A low level of it,
as you can tell.
No, she didn't order me
around that bed.
I'm being a fucking baby.
But I will say this.
Had I married a cunt,
which I didn't,
like that would have been the thing.
So, there you go.
So, that urban myth
is dispelled.
It's dispelled.
It's displaced.
It's attested to.
Is,
what do they call it?
What do they call it
when white people
move into a neighborhood?
Traitor joe-ing.
What do they call it?
Gentrification.
That's the word I needed.
Pneumonia gentrification.
No, I think that urban myth.
I think some guys,
it's a spectrum,
like everything is.
Everything's a spectrum.
That line,
that guys are babies
when they get sick,
is all the way
from 100% true
that you unfortunately
married a big baby.
You know?
Which,
I gotta be honest with you,
I don't even understand that.
You know?
How are you a big baby
if you're sick?
That would be
if you're not sick
and you're overly dramatizing it.
Dramatically
allizing it, right?
I would say it's that.
But like,
when my wife gets sick,
she's just like,
fuck this,
and she goes to bed
and she lays there
and does what she's supposed to do
and she gets over it quick.
I don't think she's a baby.
I think she's smart.
I think I'm an idiot.
Right?
Or I just keep plowing ahead.
Huh?
Finishing my fucking shit.
That's just a fucking flesh wound.
It's pneumonia,
you fucking red cunt.
You know what's amazing?
On my x-ray,
chest x-ray,
I actually have freckles
on my lungs too.
Like,
that's how much of a ginger I am.
To the bone,
motherfuckers.
So I think it's all the way
from guys actually being babies
to just
cold,
selfish women
who are annoyed
that their husband
slash personal assistant
can no longer do shit
around the house
and they actually
have to go fetch things.
Honey,
could you do me a favor
and get me an Elka-Selsi there?
Oh my God,
you're such a fucking
baby.
Just fucking drink this.
Are you still sick?
Okay,
but I'm just letting you know
there's a whole bunch
of shit to do.
I'm sorry,
honey.
I'm trying to get better
quicker.
So that's what I learned.
I learned that my wife
is an angel.
However,
if there's a holiday dinner
planned,
she doesn't give a fuck
if you have pneumonia.
You know,
all of that shit,
that light bulb's
going to get done,
that table's
going to get brought up,
the stars going on,
the fucking tree,
which I never did,
by the way.
I bought this beautiful tree
that I didn't realize
had polio on top.
This fucking thing
was all crooked and shit.
I was just like,
oh,
and they had tied,
you know why?
Because they tied a string.
They'd done some like
used car lot shit
and they tied the string
to make it fucking straight.
Which,
by the way,
did you know
having a bent dick
is actually a problem?
I didn't know that.
When I was growing up,
hey,
how's it hanging?
A little to the left,
a little to the right.
Now all of a sudden
they're calling it like,
yeah,
it's like you blew out
your ACL
and your fucking shaft.
Now they have an operation.
You know?
I don't know,
Megan Thee Stallion
seemed to like
those kinds of dicks
according to some of her
rhyming and timing
on the one and two
over there.
You know what's funny
is I listen to all
of that shit
because I like the drums
and it's usually
at a tempo
that you can kind of like
try out some fills
and shit