Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-22
Uploaded: 2022-12-30T21:35:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-22' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-30. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-30-22

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I haven't been able to do that in a while. You know why? Because this old freckles
finally went to the doctor.
Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I got some pneumonia in my freckled lungs.
Sorry.
Anyway, as promised, you know, I mentioned on the Monday morning podcast that I
felt a certain way about the way the lovely Nia was or possibly was not taking
care of me.
Oh, we're backtracking a little.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, go ahead.
Well, I didn't want to just hit the ground running. I wanted to give you a, you
know, I'm teasing it here, Nia.
Okay, okay.
I'm a professional.
Yeah.
You know, there was, you know, a moment there where...
Professional asshole.
Well, you know, there's a thing out there that women say a lot is that guys are
babies when they're sick, and at one point you said to me that you felt I was
being dramatic, and I'm laying in bed and I'm thinking to myself, like, I have
fucking pneumonia.
First of all, I didn't say that you were being dramatic. I said that you were
having a pity party. And also, this is before we knew that you had pneumonia.
So can we just jump in?
Yeah, and what was my pity party?
All right, I will explain that. See...
First of all, just relax.
No, I'm not relaxed.
Oh, shit.
Because I need to come on here and defend myself, because I didn't listen to
your little trash-ass podcast on Monday, but I know what you said about me,
okay?
I didn't say anything.
Let me explain something.
I said a few things.
God.
Um, let me explain a few things, okay?
Please do, because I'm a little confused over here.
Yeah, you're very confused about a lot of things.
Oh, snap.
When you get sick, who's all over you trying to get you better?
And don't say nobody, because we know that that's not true.
That's the first answer I thought of.
Really? I'm always bringing you water, bringing you tea, take this, take this,
take this, and you're like, what? What is this? What are you having me take?
What does it do? What?
Like, you're always pushing back.
I tell you, rest.
You need to just chill out.
You need to do nothing all day.
You are crazy, and you can't do that.
You're like, ah, I'm gonna go play drums for, like, half an hour.
You're out there for an hour.
Boo-bap-a-doo-bap-a-doo-bap-a-boo.
And it's just like, you're not taking the time to...
And then, when I get sick, I'm like, shut everything down.
I don't do shit.
I can feel how annoyed you are at me, but that's why I get over stuff quickly.
I don't get annoyed at you when you get sick.
You get annoyed at me.
I can tell you have, like, a little, like, thing with me where I'm like, I have
a cough.
I'm not gonna do anything.
And you're kind of looking at me like, ooh.
Because you and your scrunch your shoulders up.
Like, that whole thing that you do, that whole German-Irish, let's just plow
through it type
of thing.
And I can be feeling miserable, but I won't do anything about it.
That's the thing.
You won't do anything about it.
You really thought about this.
Because I was gonna come on here and defend myself.
Whenever you get sick, I am always telling you, you need to drink more water.
Take this and take that.
You're always pushing back on me.
You never listen to me about just being still and resting and trying to sleep.
You're on your phone.
What is this?
You're on your phone or computer watching your 10th, like, you know, top 10
crocodile attacks
from 2017 or whatever weirdo video.
It's a great year for crocodile attacks.
Whatever weirdo videos you're watching or with some monotone guy being like,
Jimi Hendrix
was bored and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And like doing some weird, like, documentary things that you watch on YouTube.
You're not really resting yourself and you don't get better.
So you had a cold to begin with.
You had a cold.
Yes.
I had a respiratory infection.
Who said that?
Did you go to a doctor?
No, I went on the internet.
Until I made you go to urgent care?
First of all, the reason.
You went on the internet and what?
You went on the internet and what?
Well, people told me that there was that RS.
People who?
People who got sick.
Okay.
Said that there was that thing that wasn't COVID.
Because at first I thought I had COVID and then it wasn't COVID.
But I could feel it was in my chest.
And they said there's something going around.
It's a cough that lasts for 10 days.
It's a respiratory virus thing.
It's RSV.
RSV.
So I feel like I had that.
And because I was editing a fucking movie and doing a stand-up tour and getting
ready
for fucking Thanksgiving in the holiday season, dooby-dooby-doo, I didn't have
time
to go to the doctor.
Okay, fine.
You didn't have time to go to the doctor.
That's what I was saying.
Because we thought we were just sort of dealing with, yeah, an RSV cold
situation.
But I did tell you-
Wait a minute.
We didn't think that.
I just told you that I had that.
And now you're acting like you were in on that.
Okay.
I just thought that you had a cold.
And then, yes, it developed into pneumonia because you had to go on the road
and you
had to do this.
But did you or did you not tack on a Vegas trip after your last tour?
The Vegas trip was already on the books.
Okay.
My buddy's from high school.
We came out.
I, you know, they don't give you tickets anymore.
It's all on your phone.
It was all on my phone.
Okay.
If I didn't go out there, that was going to happen.
And then I stayed at Bally's Total Fitness fucking casino.
And for whatever reason, the heat wasn't working in my room.
And they had the air conditioning cranked.
Because it was switching over from Bally's to the horseshoe.
It's now called horseshoe.
They had horseshoes in the carpet.
Did you ask anybody to, like, come up and, like, fix your thing?
I did.
I did.
And they did.
And how many cigars did you smoke on that trip?
One.
Okay.
Then you came home.
I didn't know I had pneumonia.
That's, of course.
You didn't know that you had pneumonia.
I was over at Caesars.
And they treated me right, dude.
And then you came home.
And you had another outing that you did with some family.
How many cigars did you smoke then?
Three quarters of one.
Three quarters of one.
Okay.
Now.
That's like nothing for me.
The next day, I told you, because you were feeling terrible.
You were coughing violently.
I told you to go to urgent care.
Why was it violently?
You were coughing violently.
I had a really bad cough.
Well, that seems like you're the victim in that.
It feels like you're the victim.
No, no.
It's not about victims.
It's about, like, how harsh it was.
You were coughing violently.
You were coughing like you had the fucking plague.
I said to you, you should go.
I was coughing so hard, I got a headache.
Yes.
I told you, you should go to urgent care.
You went out and had coffee with some people instead.
And I said to you, while you're out.
I wasn't going to go to urgent care while my family was in town
and make them fucking sit there for three hours
while some guy gave me penicillin.
But while you were, while they were here visiting,
you did go upstairs and you were in your room
for, like, three hours chilling out, as you should have.
But I'm just saying, if you were willing to spend that time
to do that here, you could have gone to urgent care.
You didn't go.
No, but he was leaving the next day.
So I went then.
I went then.
I went then.
But what is this shit?
When was I being, like, overly dramatic
or having a pity party?
Because...
Oh, I remember.
I remember.
Because I was fucking sick.
And you don't stop your plans.
You still go out.
You put on your big Elton John glasses
and your Happy New Year hat.
You're like, okay.
And you drop a cup of fucking Alka-Seltzer
and a fucking glass of water.
And then now, all of a sudden,
you're Florence Nightingale.
But what more am I supposed to do for you
other than make sure you have what you need
and then, like...
Oh, you wait.
You wait till you get pneumonia
and I still go out.
You wait till I get pneumonia.
I still go out.
And then when you bitch about it,
I say you're having a pity party.
No, no, no.
What do you mean no?
There's no no there.
There's no no there.
There's no no there.
You started going on about how I wasn't taking care of you
and this and that and the other when that was not true.
You sent up that fucking airport level fucking room temperature
untoasted bagel.
Oh, we were talking about the bagel?
We were talking about the bagel?
And I had to ask our daughter to go down
and get me something to eat.
I pulled up the text messages of when you asked me for a bagel.
I texted you two minutes later because, by the way,
I was setting up a whole bagel platter for your family
and feeding our children because you were upstairs sick.
I answered you two minutes later and I said,
do you want just the bagel
or do you want capers and loggs and the bagel sandwich?
And you said bagel sandwich.
So I made it.
I gave it to our daughter.
She brought it up to you while I could stay downstairs
with that bagel did not come until I asked our daughter
to go downstairs and get it.
She didn't text or no text.
She didn't ask me for it.
Well, maybe she forgot to ask me for it,
but she didn't agree to disagree.
But I can tell you right now, I felt I felt like I was flying
Southwest Airlines that level, that fucking bagel.
It looks like it was in somebody's back pocket.
I didn't make the bagel.
Of course you didn't.
Postmated it.
I didn't.
Somebody brought it over and I like reheated it
and made a whole bagel sandwich.
The point is, my point is with you, when it comes to being sick...
Don't fucking point your face at me.
Well, if you're sick, you will still go out
and do the things that you want to do.
It's called working and providing for a family.
Now, I'm not talking about work.
I'm talking about every other little extracurricular thing
that you think that you can handle.
What the fuck else did I do?
For the last seven fucking weeks,
I went golfing once and I went to a football game.
That's it.
Other than that...
When you go to a football game, you went to Vegas.
You had a whole Vegas trip.
I'm not saying that you were out all night carousing
because I know you don't do...
I wasn't.
I was in Bally's coughing my fucking brains out
and I'm worried about the person
who has that fucking room after me.
Oh, were you worried about us
when you were coughing into the blanket
that we have on the couch
that we all snuggle with
when you were coughing into it?
Oh, let's get into that.
Let's get into that.
Then what I said to you,
stop coughing into the blanket.
You had the nerve to be annoyed at me
and look at your brother and be like,
people can believe this?
Like, it's wild.
Because I'll tell you,
once you knew,
you knew I...
But you knew I was fucking sick.
You knew I was...
Time out.
You knew I was fucking sick.
Yes.
And then when you knew I had pneumonia,
you were still going,
can you help bring the fucking kids' table up
from the basement?
Can you put the fucking star in the tree?
Can you do this?
Every time I sat down,
you made me get up like I was fucking...
It's not lies.
It's not lies.
Oh, my God.
All right.
All right.
When you...
Okay.
And this whole thing was after
I had forced you to go to urgent care
and sat in urgent care
and waited with you
while you got everything...
You didn't force me.
I had the time to do it
and I did it.
That doesn't...
But this is my point.
You have to make the time for your health.
I can't care more...
No, that is right.
You're absolutely right.
You're absolutely right.
Okay?
But I'm saying...
And you have a history...
Can I finish a fucking thought?
No, no.
No, you can't.
You have a history
of not taking the time
to take care of yourself
and then when it gets really, really bad,
somehow I'm at fault
because I'm not taking care of you enough.
All right.
Time out.
When the fuck...
When was the last time
I got that fucking sick?
Years.
Yeah, years.
