Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-23
Uploaded: 2023-01-05T21:05:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-05. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before
Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking
in to see
how it's going. The first week of 2023. Holidays are over. You know, you got to
do that sad
thing of taking down the tree. Oh, is there anything sadder than taking down
the tree?
You feel great, though, when it's all over, when all the decorations and
everything's
put away. There is a certain level of relief, but taking them all down, you
know, you feel
like you lost an election. You're working for us. I always pictured that like,
you know,
what that must be like to like lose like a pres, a presidential election. Like
you're to
the point where most of the free world actually is kind of knowing your name.
If
you're, you know, the standing president rerunning the everybody knows your
fucking name. And
all of a sudden you lose. And all those glad handers slapping you on the back.
Yeah, the
Elvis entourage. You tell a little joke. A guy walks six paces over to a wall
and slaps
it as if anything has ever been that funny. Which is something I maintain.
Nothing has
ever been so funny that you had to run out of a room. Some of these TV shows
you'll see
somebody will make a joke and then they themselves actually run out of the room.
Which to me, I feel is sort of the end zone dance of telling a joke or maybe
those idiots
who get like a first down or my favorite, my favorite, you're down by 20 and
you stop the
running back for like a one yard loss and you get up flexing and stomping
around
for whatever fuck. I don't even know what it, because I guess, you know, give a
fuck that the
team's going to lose. Is that what it is? Oh, old man, Bill. That's what I'm
going to change
the name of this podcast too. Bill complains about shit. All right, here's some
new shit that's out
that I'm sick of people complaining about. Tesla's. All right, I know the guy
that runs it's a
fucking laminated face cunt. We all know that. We all know he's a nerd who's
trying to be cool now.
Hey, I'm smoking a joint. Hey, I got wacky things to say about stuff. You know,
stay in your lane.
Get back in chemistry class and fucking do something with a beaker.
Whatever the fuck it is you brainiacs do. He's trying to be the life of the
party.
That's where we are in this country right now. The fucking nerds are trying to
fucking put the lampshade on their head. You don't put the lampshade on the
head. You design the lamp.
Anyway, oh my God. There's anybody you don't need to hear more from is the
Tesla guy.
Oh, what does the Tesla guy think about this? I'm sick of all of his wacky
ideas with tunnels and all
of this shit. Just go do it. Maybe he's like trying to drum up more money. Is
that what it is? I don't
know what, but I'm sick of people shitting on the Tesla. All these gas
combustion people,
these fucking idiots going like, you know, at the end of the day, I can fill up
my tank of gas in 10 minutes.
I don't need a F-O and a beep-bop-boop-boop-boop. It's like, hey, fuckhead, you
have a charger at your
house. Imagine if you had a gas pump at your house, right? And every morning
you woke up with a full
tank of fucking gas. Stop acting like stopping for gas two, three times a
fucking week isn't a pain in
the ass, especially if you're on a budget. If you're putting in five here, 10
bucks here, whatever you do,
right? You're forever going to a gas station and there's that stupid cunt,
right? Well, you know,
there's like, there's like two people almost done filling up their gas tank and
you're, and you're
two cars behind and you're sitting there praying to God that the person in
front of you is clocking
this. All right. And what happens is the guy, the first guy, he pulls out,
meaning the second car in
line and goes around the other guy who's just finishing up. And what does the cunt
do in front
of you? Do they wait and just wait for that person all the way in the front to
get the last couple of
drops of gas in to pull off? So then they pull all the way up and you can get
in there? Nope.
No, they do not. They pull right in, get out, their dumb fat ass starts pumping
the car and you're
looking at them like, what the fuck? And their big gulp brain never puts two
and two together. Don't act
like that isn't happening. All right. They're fucking incredible cars that are
as fast as a
fucking motorcycle with people and groceries in them. And then what do they do?
They show videos
of like, look at when you put it in self-driving mode, it ended up hitting
something. How does your
car do in self-driving mode? Oh, that's right. It doesn't have one. All right.
They're going to figure
it out. All right. And there's going to be some people that are going to have
to die along the way.
How do you think we got to where we're at in aviation? Scuba diving? Bridge
building? People
fucking died. And you know what? I bet right along the way, right at a fucking
kitty hawk,
there was some cunt sitting there on their horses going, see, that's why, you
know,
day right now. You know, my horse doesn't leave the ground and I don't fucking,
right?
Meanwhile, you get thrown off it like Christopher Reeves and break your fucking
neck,
but nobody brings that up, do they? Oh, Bill, did you have to go off on
Superman? I loved Christopher
Reeve. All right. He's dead. His suffering is over. You know, I wonder if he
would have done the
self-driving thing. I mean, I think if you're crazy enough to play polo, I mean,
the shit that can happen to you on a horse anyway, the fact that you're leaning
over with a croquet
mallet, I mean, it's just fucking, isn't that inevitable? I'll tell you one of
the most fucked
up ones ever was the, uh, what was it? Bill Shoemaker? The guy rode horses his
whole
fucking career, never broke his neck, then fucking got in a car, got in a car
accident and then broke
his fucking neck. Wasn't that part of that Alanis Morissette song? Isn't it
ironic, don't you think?
Do you want to hear my Alanis Morissette joke from fucking 25 years ago when
that song came out?
You know that one where she came off like, it was so funny, like, she was
sitting there
bitching about her ex-boyfriend just coming off like the kind of person you
would break up with,
where she was just going like, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, right? And she said
that line, you know,
did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity? And it was a, well, would she go down
on you in a theater?
Talking about his new girlfriend, would she go down on you in a theater? It's
like, no,
she wouldn't. I'm gonna marry her, you fucking whore. Sorry.
All right. Every once in a while, I go for big air. I go for big air and I miss
the ramp.
You don't marry a woman that blows you in a movie theater.
Oh, geez, I got an incoming call here. I hope this isn't gonna fuck with the
podcast. Hang on a second.
All right. I'm back from the phone call. Shaking that off. Now, what if a guy
went down on a woman
in a movie theater? Would she marry him? All depends on what he's making. And
that's what
it comes down to everybody. Okay. That's how it's done. Out here in the streets.
It's been raining. That's why this podcast is a little fucked up. It's been
raining for like,
I don't know how many days out here, which is great. You know, LA, we need the
rain. We need
the rain to watch it go down the LA river and just go out to the fucking ocean.
So these stupid
fucking assholes can then tell us that we're in another drought. Why don't you
guys, I don't,
I still don't, you don't want to, every time you go like, well, why don't you
fucking
corral? Is that the right word with a liquid? Or do you do that with a solid,
like a, like a,
like cattle? You corral cattle. You gather nuts and berries. What the fuck do
you do with water?
Whatever that means is stick it in a giant container, whatever that fucking
word is.
Why don't they do that? And they, oh, there's no money in it.
All the money is in destroying the planet. I don't understand. How do you,
how do you turn that one around?
Maybe Elon Tesla can work on that one. Um, anyway, uh,
the fuck else am I wanting to talk about? Oh, so the other night, you know, I'm
taping the
Bill's Bengals game, right? And I'm watching the garbage truck videos with my,
uh, my little boy.
And all of a sudden I get a text message like, oh my God, are you watching the
Bill's game?
So sad. And I'm thinking like, oh my God, what happened to the Bills now? You
know,
I mean, every time they go in a positive draw, I'm thinking, you know, they
pick six,
you know, Josh Allen, you know, fucking blew out his ACL. I had, you know, in
50 years of watching
football, that has never happened. I don't think that's ever happened. Like the
odds of that, um,
unbelievable. I'm glad I wasn't watching it because I just saw like the
highlights and the looks on the
players faces and everything. I'm kind of glad that by the time I saw it, I
knew that they had gotten
that poor kid to the hospital. And even though he's in critical condition, at
least he's there with,
you know, you know, the, the people that know what they're doing. Yeah, Bill,
it's called a hospital.
All right. Thank you. I will tell you the one funny thing about it though. All
right. And this
is a comedy podcast. So you have to go with this. All right. I have, it's my
job to find
the knock, knock joke within the horror. The funniest thing was, I heard this,
this lady
on ESPN and she was, uh, she was talking about like how close the Buffalo bills
are. She goes,
you know, of course they're distraught. This is a really close team. You know,
there's not a lot
to do out here in Buffalo and blah, blah, blah. And I just burst it out
laughing. It's like,
did she just low key trash Buffalo? It was just picture. I'm like, Hey Josh,
what do you want to
do? You want to go get some more wings? I mean, I can't, I can't get any more
wings.
Uh, what do you want to do? Why don't you come over and play Madden? Right.
Then they hang out.
I'm like, Hey Josh, you ever feel like, you know, it's not like I don't feel
lucky, but you ever feel
like playing for the bills? You kind of don't feel like you're in the NFL when
you play a home game.
But then when you go on the road, you're like, Oh yeah, that's right. I am in
the NFL. But like
when you play a home game, you ever, you ever just kind of feel like you may be
like in,
in like the CFL or something. You ever feel, I mean, I mean, Canada is right
there. You ever think
that Josh? Oh yeah. Yeah. I, I guess I kind of do. I'm, I'm glad you shared
that with me. I, I feel
closer to you anyway. Um, I don't know. I don't know what else to talk about.
That's just a
fucking horrific situation, but I thought it was fucking hilarious that even
during that time,
someone still had to take a fucking shot at Buffalo. Now there's no fucking way.
There's
not a lot to do in Buffalo. I've been to Buffalo. Okay. There's plenty of
places to drink. There's
plenty of good food. Okay. I don't know who's making the tables out there, but
they gotta be
making a killing. Um, they got a minor league ballpark out there. That was very
impressive.
I mean, fucking Rick James lived out there. There must've been some fun to have,
right?
Um, I wonder if she got any shit for that. I'm just going to say that during a
time like this,
when thoughts and prayers should be thoughts and prayering in the Buffalo
direction for you to make
fun of, you're killing our tourism. They got Niagara Falls.
That used to be an amazing thing to go see, you know, but now you can watch
like
fucking beheading videos, you know, while you're on the shitter. I mean, it
takes a lot
to get people to go. Is that one of the wonders of the world?
What an innocent time, you know, when they actually had wonders of the world.
Like, I wonder how this happened. You know, now there's just answers. There's
always some
douche that's got to be standing there giving you all the fucking answers.
Look at this. Look at the Grand Canyon. 