Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-23
Uploaded: 2023-01-09T13:58:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-23' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-09. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-23

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, January 9th, 2023.
What's going on, Hawaii? How's it going, everybody? I hope you're having a
wonderful 2023 so far.
I hope you count your blessings. I hope you're just holding everybody you know
near and dear.
And all that other filler that people say, right? They're all fucking, you know,
just filling it up with the old filler up, you know?
Just saying what you're supposed to. Thoughts and prayers go out to the fucking
something seeper and, you know, win one for the gipper or whatever the fuck you're
supposed to say nowadays.
You just, you just, you just say nice things.
I hope the sun shines down on your part of the world. And when it does, you
take in the rays and just realize that the sun's always out, you know?
Tomorrow. Sun will come out tomorrow.
Bet that sign in the window won't change society, but you tried.
You wrote your political opinion on a piece of paper.
You stuck it in the window because you're self-involved.
And you think people care.
But they do not give a fuck what you think.
Their parents already filled their heads.
All right. There you go. I'm working on a new musical.
You know, I'm sampling Annie.
I'm not stealing.
All right.
I feel like I have the right to consider I'm also a ginger.
You know, I love how orphan Annie was a fucking redhead.
Of course, they kicked her the curb the second they saw her coming out with
that shit, right?
They're like, so, you know, I got brown hair.
You got black hair.
What in the fuck is this?
No, I mean, it's just, you know, a couple of generations back.
You put that thing down the goddamn orphanage.
We're going to try again.
All right.
So stretch your fucking legs, woman.
You dump that package off.
You come back and we're going to get back to fucking.
You understand me?
That's the prequel to Annie that I have been shopping around Hollywood for
years and no one wants to hear it.
You know?
And I'm calling reverse sexism.
Actually, I was going to sell the idea, but then they were like, but are you
the right person at this time to direct it?
And I was like, well, I am a ginger.
And they said, yeah, but it all fell out.
And I said, fair enough.
And they said, are you willing to give this idea, turn it over to a full-headed
hair ginger?
And I just couldn't pull the trigger.
I said, no, I am not.
I'm too close to the project.
And they said, great, you're now going to be escorted off of this lot.
And I have not worked since.
Okay?
But am I bitter?
Whatever.
Anyway, what was I talking about?
Oh, selling a musical.
Selling a goddamn musical.
That's one of the hardest things you can ever do, especially, you know, not
because the themes are hard.
It's the fact that I'm tone deaf.
You know, other than that, when you look at a musical, when you see the subject
matter for 90% of them, I think a lot of them is you just take like an album,
you know, that was popular.
And you just feel like, all right, how can I turn that into a musical, you know,
like Bad Outta Hell, the musical.
They did it with, um, they did it with, uh, ABBA, right?
Do they do it with Bob Seger yet?
Do they have Against the Wind, the musical?
I don't know what they did.
I'm not up on that shit.
I'm not up on that shit the way I'm not up on the fucking NFL.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I got my goddamn ass handed to me from December on.
It's kind of what happens when you gamble on football and you watch, like, one
game every three weeks.
I had to pick five games this week because the Bengals and the Bills got
canceled because of that poor kid, you know, all that stuff that happened,
which I'm sure you heard about.
And I guess he's sitting up, he's talking, and everything's great, right?
So I bet the Patriots this week.
I bet the Patriots.
I bet with my fucking heart, right?
Rather than my brains, all right?
But, you know, our offense has been coming along, you know?
It's not as anemic as it was, you know?
Our defense has been great all year.
I mean, you know, just when you spend 90% of the time on the fucking field, you
know, shit's gonna happen, right?
So anyway, it was one of those deals where it was weird.
Before the game, you know, because of the tragedy the week before, I was having
this weird thing where I was like,
I can't root against the Bills.
It reminded me of, like, when the Yankees went to the World Series after 9-11.
I was just like, I can't fucking root against these guys.
I'm not gonna root for them.
The best I can do is I'm not gonna root against them.
And it didn't hurt that they were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks.
All right?
Like, who gives a fuck about that team?
It was an expansion team, right?
There were yet another team that I believe stole the Yankees' pinstripes.
So I was kind of like, fuck them.
And then they also had, like, a jacuzzi out in the outfield.
It's like, these people don't give a shit.
Like, what are we doing here?
I'll go as far as to say this.
If you have a jacuzzi, you're a fucking dirtbag.
You know what I mean?
I'm not talking about, if it's attached to a pool, I'll look the other way.
But if all you have is a standalone jacuzzi,
you're at least dealing weed.
But now that's legal.
I don't know.
Back when I was growing up, you know,
there was a person with a certain kind of car.
Right?
A Monte Carlo, T-tops.
Right?
An Olds Cutlass, T-tops.
A Grand Prix, T-tops.
Right?
Monte SS, T-tops.
And what came with the T-tops?
A fucking hot tub.
You had a fucking hot tub.
Right?
You had broads over there.
Shit.
There was drugs.
There was drugs.
I would love for them to drain every hot tub
in this fucking country that was from the 80s
and then run a black light over it
and how much semen and cocaine
that you would find at the bottom of those goddamn things.
I think there's enough freestanding coke
in those fucking waters
that if you could somehow sift it,
which I believe they have the technology,
okay, I believe the Freemasons
know how to fucking do it.
If they could fucking sift
all the goddamn cocaine
out of the bottom of those hot tubs
and sell it back to fucking,
where the fuck does it come from?
Where the fuck does it come from?
Colombia?
We could knock down this goddamn debt.
We could maybe have enough money
to start another war.
Right?
I'm not up on politics, people.
But, you know, the other day,
I just feel like the level of fucking,
the level of corruption
on all levels.
You know, people look at it in politics.
You know, tonight in Los Angeles,
January 9th, 2000 and fucking,
uh, what do you call it?
2000 and fucking 23.
They're having the NCAA.
I almost didn't say that right.
The NCAA football championship.
Why can't I speak?
NCAA football championship tonight
against TCU.
Come on, Frogs.
Right?
All those J.R. Ewing-looking,
line-dancing sons of bitches
who look like they're gonna go do
a guest star on fucking Yellowstone.
Right?
How great is fucking Yellowstone
and they got the Harrison Ford prequel?
Who knew?
You know, there was all this money
in fucking Cowboys.
The Western is coming.
They finally updated it.
I guess the Harrison Ford ones
is from back in the 20s.
They finally got the Cowboy
out of the 1800s.
Right?
And now they got him in the 2000s.
These are actual Cowboys.
These guys are on fucking horses.
I'm talking about real Cowboys.
I'm not talking about people in Texas
that wear a Cowboy hat
and drive a shiny pickup truck
that never leaves the road
unless there's traffic
and you're cutting across
the medium
to that local fucking road
which is the move in Texas.
I learned that pretty quickly.
I'm talking about real Cowboys.
All right?
Ones that are out there,
you know, with a guitar.
You know, mending a fence.
Whatever it is they do.
You know, they're like
a dormant volcano, aren't they?
There's no buffalo left.
You know, they've corralled
all the indigenous people.
I mean, what is a Cowboy
supposed to do now?
They're sort of the blacksmith
of 2023.
I don't know.
You know, I don't know.
I've never watched
a real estate show from Wyoming
so I really don't know
what's going on
in that part of the world
but, you know, I'm trying.
Anyway,
so this is the corruption
that I'm talking about.
This is what I'm trying
to talk about.
I'm talking in circles here
but stay with me.
I'm losing altitude
and I'm going to hit
the ground soon.
So just fucking
just stay with me here.
Down at SoFi Stadium,
they're having the Super Bowl
of college football
and do you know
that they're saying
you're not allowed
to tailgate?
You're not allowed
to tailgate.
What the fuck?
What do you fucking mean
I'm not allowed
to tailgate?
Tailgating comes
with the fucking ticket.
Is this going to be
the new thing?
You're not allowed
to tailgate?
Are you trying
to force me
into the stadium
to pay those
astronomical prices
for all of that
fucking shit food?
You know,
it's not my fault
you decided
to fucking build
a flying saucer
and bury it
fucking nine miles
into the goddamn ground.
I didn't ask
for that fucking stadium.
I was fine
with LA Memorial Coliseum.
I didn't see
a fucking problem
with it.
All these soft assholes
saying it was a dump.
You're goddamn right
it's a dump.
It's a fucking stadium.
What's the matter?
There's no luxury boxes.
They don't serve sushi.
What the fuck
are you here for?
They don't have
a hot tub
on one end
of the fucking
goddamn
that little fucking
herpes aquarium
down there?
That's what's
missing for you?
Huh?
Oh, look at me.
I got my fucking
legs crossed
and I got a foot
going around
in a circle right now.
I really think
I'm making a point here.
They're saying
that you can't
fucking tailgate.
I would love
to see them
enforce that.
You're gonna tell
people from Georgia
they can't tailgate?
I mean,
most people
from Georgia
live outside.
Once you get
outside of Atlanta,
I mean,
it's just,
it's a fucking
free-for-all.
Huh?
That's Charlie
Daniels
country out there.
I get stoned
in the morning,
get drunk
in the afternoon.
I ain't
asking nobody
for nothing
if I can't
get it all
my own.
One of my
favorite fucking
country songs.
Right?
I related to it.
I was a loner.
I didn't like
being around people.
I'm gonna go
live in a fucking
swamp.
You know?
Even when I
had hair,
I couldn't grow
it long if I
fucking wanted
to.
I couldn't.
You know?
My hair didn't
grow down.
It fucking
grew out.
It's just yet
another fucking
reason.
Yet another
fucking reason
to feel like
a weirdo
and to put on
a Charlie
Daniels song
and be like,
I fucking
like this guy.
You can tell
people from
Texas that
they can't
fucking do
something.
You want
somebody from
Texas to
not do
something?
Tell them
that they
can do it.
They'll sit
on their
fucking asses
and they won't
do shit.
Tell them
they can't
fucking do it.
Right?
And all of a
sudden they
got their
spurs on.
Right?
Putting on a
goddamn belt buckle
with a gun on
the side of it.
That's their
deal.
Right?
You know
cunts like
that?
If you want
them to go
left, you
got to tell
them to go
right.
Yeah.
I don't
understand that.
Don't mess
with Texas,
all of that
fucking,
they're looking
for it.
They're bored.
That whole
state is a
bunch of
cowboys with
no one left
to kill.
Right?
I'm sorry.
I'm in a
weird fucking
mood.
You know,
somebody posted
on Instagram,
listen to
this fucking
shit that
you'll never
that they
won't.
I don't know
if this is
true or not.
It said
members of
Congress
outperformed
the stock
market for
the second
year in a
row in
2022 with
lawmakers
reporting
nearly 800
million in
total assets
and more
than 12,700
trades despite
one of the
worst markets
since 2008.
Lawmakers in
both parties
fared better
than the S&P
500.
Isn't that
incredible?
I mean,
they're crushing
it over there.
I don't know
why they don't
get on
Ben MGM.
They could
fucking pick a
football game
better than I
could.
Unbelievable.
Shout out to
Democrats and
Republicans.
I mean,
all the rest of
us are getting
our pockets
turned inside.
Now, you
know, I can't
get mad at
them.
It's almost
as though they
have inside
information.
will not go
investiga